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-   -   Sick of being accused of things... (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/857972-sick-being-accused-things.html)

mutantgene 07-07-2011 06:24 AM

Sick of being accused of things...
 
Hello all. I've been here before to let things off my chest, so I'll do so again.

This is about my current relationship. I'm 21, he's 19. He's a great guy and all, but I've come to realize that he's.... what's the word I want... I can't think of one. I'll explain instead.

He is currently out of town for a friend's funeral, so last night we were texting. One of the last things I said to him was that I would be taking a shower in the morning. Normally I shower at night with him, but I was tired and needed to wake up early for breakfast with my dad and be ready so he could take me to work. Well, shower is taken right now anyways, I forgot dad showers in the mornings. Point is, my boyfriend first texted me asking why I was showering in the morning. Then, when I didn't have a good enough response, he called me at one o clock in the morning to discuss it. He asked why I'm showering in the morning, then said what was really on his mind. He said that when I shower in the morning, I usually get "dolled up", so I must be trying to get dolled up for our boss at work.

This really irked me. I went to bed angry. Then, because he asked me to, when I woke up I called him. I couldn't help but still be irked about it. When I tried to explain that 1. I didn't have to tell him I was showering in the morning. 2. I'm not going to get all dolled up. He brushed that off as me "telling him what he wants to hear." Then he said that his day has started off bad and when we got off the phone, "Guess I'll go have 'fun' at my friends funeral."

This isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing. In our relationship history, he has accused me of wanting to be with my gay male friends, having sex with someone and contracting chlamydia and giving it to him (he's my first sexual partner, and ONLY), and when some random guy at college told him he seen ME kissing some guy at 11 at night, he believed him because 'I couldn't prove it wrong'. I can honestly say I have never cheated on my boyfriend. But he is constantly paranoid that I will, or have, or something. Usually when we get into arguments about this stuff, he always pushes the blame onto me. I really can't stand it, to the point that I sometimes think about growing old and dying alone because that would be a lot more stress free.

He cooks and cleans and does all that good stuff. He's a great guy, but he's hard to be in a relationship with. It's like he looks for something to worry about and exaggerates it.

When we do fight about this stuff, as we did in the past about all of those other things, it is mostly him questioning me and me trying to fight off his accusations with logic. Sometimes the questions are so ungrounded that I can't answer them, and that makes me a liar to him.

We are both in IT, so his computer knowledge kicks in and he will look at my computer history sometimes. When things look strange, such as the logs showing that at 7:45 I was at this page, then nothing happened until 10:21, he will think I deleted all of the history between those times in order to hide something from him. We both deleted our 'social networking site' because it led to arguments. I never talk to any of my internet friends anymore because he gets upset and accuses me of either talking about him, or wanting to be with them.

I do have a past history with online dating, and I did have a crush on an older man once. He uses this to justify his accusations. It's like my past is coming back to haunt me, even though I'm not actually doing anything. In fact, everyone has some sort of past they aren't proud of, but it's like mine is used against me constantly.

He says that he isn't keeping me from having a 'social networking site' or talking to my online friends. He isn't. But if I do get a 'social networking site' or talk to my friends, he will probably just accuse me of trying to hide something from him. So I choose not to do those things, to make it more stress free. But this has led to me being lonely, because I can't talk to anyone about this sort of stuff that I am posting here.

It has gotten to the point that even when he is away, I do not talk to anyone. I don't bother, because every time he goes away he accuses me of doing something. I don't want to give him something more to go off on.

My question? What is his problem? And how do I approach this, because I know it will continue as long as I remain with him.

BigRed54 07-07-2011 06:49 AM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
His problem is his immaturity with relationships, and his insecurity. For some reason he feels so insecure in his life that he can't trust anyone else. You can't help him with ths - he has to want to get help. He may learn to hide it from you if you push him or threaten to leave, but it will fester and come out anyway, possibly as pent up rage sometime in the future.

If you choose to stay with this guy, you need to be aware that this behavior will get worse, not better. You can reassure him all you want, and like I said he may learn to hide his insecurities for a time to appease you, but inside he is feeling insecure and undeserving and has to take it out on others to make himself feel better.

You can look forward to a lifetime of loneliness and emotional abuse unless he gets treatment for his issues. This means a long therapy treatment with a counselor he can learn to trust. He can't just read a book or discuss it with you and get over it. It's deep rooted for it to come out in this manner. And you cannot be his therapist - believe me, it never works for the girlfriend to be the therapist. In the rare event that you do really help him, the man typically then leaves and moves on to a new r/s for various reasons as he becomes a new, healthier person.

rosequartz 07-07-2011 07:01 AM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
his problem is he's a control freak.....this relationship and this guy aren't worth the stress it takes to continue the relationship.

Larrylou'smom 07-07-2011 07:47 AM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
Being older than you and having been through this a time or two, I'll tell you how I would handle it. When he comes home from the funeral, I'd say "I'm tired of your jealousy and accusations, and always feeling like I'm under surveillance, not being able to even have any friends or any kind of a life outside of you, and I don't think we should see each other anymore." then I'd put my walking shoes on and never see him again.

You're absolutely right, this is who he will be as long as the two of you are together. Separating you from family and friends and isolating you so that you have no support system is one of the first things an emotionally abusive man does, so you won't have anyone telling you how unhealthy the relationship really is and so you will only have him to depend on, making it harder for you to leave him. It breaks my heart to hear bright young women doing this to themselves. And make no mistake. This is a choice that YOU are making, to subject yourself to this life and be miserable at the hands of a controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive man. Life's short. way too short to spend any of it like this. If you spend anymore time of your young sweet life living like this, you will regret it, that much I can guarantee you.

Whoopee 07-07-2011 08:22 AM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
Your man is definitely super insecure and I suspect that even though he may grow somewhat over time, this will probably always be a problem. If you don't enjoy his "stalking" then throw down the gaunlet and tell "him" how it's going to be, or else. That should shake him up. If he starts with the, I knew you were doing this or that and that's why you're doing this, just tell him to pack his stuff and go! Life is just too short (heck, he should know that having been to a friend's funeral recently).

I'm just curious and you don't have to answer if you don't care to, which on of you would be consider "the catch". In other words, are you super hot? The reason I'm asking is that I've read quite a few posts of men which super hot women who spent all their emotion and energy on when and if their woman was going to leave them (basically the same old, I can't be worthy of a hot woman syndrome).

Anyway, I don't really see a long term future with this man but I do wish you all the best.

ninamarc 07-07-2011 02:08 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
Why do you have to take a shower at night with him? Is this a requirement by him?
I never heard that taking a shower requires some rules... It is worse as everyone may take a shower anytime esp. in this hot summertime. You only take a shower once a day and nothing is wrong with that. You have a right to take a shower any time you feel hot or dirty. Why taking a shower with him all the time?

I think this part is strange enough to dump him.... He is nice for everything but he cannot force you to take a shower with him or when... This is ridiculous!

You should either tell him you can take a shower any way you want or he can leave.

It is not worth the trouble. This is going too far. Taking a shower is not like going to bed together to have intimacy.... It is truly private and etc....
It is fun to take a shower together but if it is a rule required for both of you taking a shower together...:confused: It is too much... Did he also tell you how to apply the soap and wipe your body with the towel???:dizzy:

Taking a shower is as personal as going to the toilet and it is about cleaning and health. If he bothers to tell you how to deal with your body, this is really a lot of controlling... It is not proper to control people's personal stuff like this! It is not about dolling up??? You cannot go to work smelling bad. Also, taking it at night or morning makes no difference. It is just a shower like you wash your hands!

He needs some therapy on this issue!

Hugs,
Nina

mutantgene 07-07-2011 03:50 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
Thank you for all of your replies! I have read them all up to now. I will give a little more insight, as I feel reading my post from a different perspective, without knowing him, may have led to some wrong afterthoughts.

Indeed, he does need to see a counselor. We have discussed this in the past, and during our last fight at our college before summer break, the head of residential life got involved (a lot of screaming, etc. led to a 3 day restraining order on my boyfriend, me, and a gay friend of mine who unfortunately no longer wishes to be my friend because I got back with my boyfriend after all of it.) Now that may sound bad, but here is another perspective: The head of residential life was doing everything in her power to get us back together, which is probably why it happened. We are her favorite couple on campus. Which is funny because we probably broke the most rules without her realizing it, but being nice to staff always has its advantages. Anyways, she suggested that he see a counselor, and he agrees that he needs one. After one of our most recent arguments, I told him when we go back for the Fall semester that we ARE going to start going to the free counseling on campus, and he has nothing against that.

I have no doubt in my mind, though I could be wrong of course, that his insecurities come from his childhood. While I will not share his life story, he has been through a lot. He has trust issues, and he will admit that if you ask him. His mother cheated on his father, then took the children without telling him where they went. He didn't see his dad for 8 years. He was raised by another woman, who his mother then cheated on with- yes- a man that was supposed to be gay. I can clearly see that is where his fear comes from, because he has seen it happen. This man that was supposedly gay was also apparently very hard to get along with.

Yes, I know some of you are like "He's only telling you that to make you feel bad for him." But I'll go on.

The way he describes his sister, she was the only person that would listen to him without judging him. He could talk to her about anything and she wouldn't brush it off like so many others do. In my opinion, he does have some borderline mental problems (schizophrenia, of the paranoid type) as well as OCD. When his sister passed away (killed by a drunk driver at the age of 18), his mother and father received a settlement of $250,000. His father agreed that he would only take $25,000 if his mother split the rest between herself and the two remaining boys. This was for their college fund.

In the following year, his mother spent all of the money that she received on herself and her boyfriend. She also somehow managed to go $80,000 in debt. On the same day that my boyfriend was fired from his job, his mother's boyfriend kicked him out of the house.

I understand that some people may not look at this and be like "Oh, okay, I understand now." But I do, which is why I'm still with the boy. I don't think he's programmed this way, I think it's a result of his environment.

Then... the most recent conversation we've had on the phone today, he made the comment "I hope I can trust you." Which makes me think... wait, what have I done to ever make him not trust me? If he has to sit there and worry about if he can trust me or not, then I'm really not sure what I can do to make this relationship last, as I have done nothing to warrant him any suspicion. Besides that guy telling him he seen me kissing another guy at college, which was completely unwarranted and that guy got a load of my mind in the form of an angry text. He apologized later.

As for the showering thing, no, it is not required that I shower with him. I have seen him get unnaturally upset when I shower without him though, and I have thought that to be kind of strange. When we're in the shower, we aren't doing the typical in-the-shower couple things. We're washing each other with a scrubby and talking.

I have broken up with him around 3 times. Each one was because of a fight. The time he accused me of giving him chlamydia, the time I got to thinking a lot about the fact that he had a crush on another chick(he made it very obvious), and the time most recently when got really angry for no reason and proceeded to tell me that he wanted to drive off a cliff. No, I wasn't happy about that.

Kszan 07-07-2011 04:14 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
To be honest, none of what you've posted between your first and second post justifies his behavior toward you. It's just an excuse for him to control you. I'm sorry but I just don't think this is a healthy relationship and if you stay with him, it's never going to get better.

I mean come on, accusing you multiple times of everything under the sun when there is literally no reason for it? And demanding you take a shower only when he says you can? Please, this guy is as controlling as it gets and the longer you stay and put up with it, the more it will wear down your self esteem and your self worth.

You're way way too young to be saddled with someone who has as much baggage as he does. You need to be out there having fun and not taking life so seriously yet. There will be plenty of time for you to settle down and find a nice guy in a few years. But right now you should be spending time with friends and doing fun things and NOT be subjected to a psycho manipulative control freak who blanketly accuses you of stupid stuff. That's no way to live. At your age, you owe it to yourself to find something much better.

baffomet 07-07-2011 04:28 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
After reading all of your posts, it appears that he has a lot of deeply rooted issues that unfortunately you can not help him with. I'm going to be very blunt and tell you that "YOU CAN NOT SAVE HIM". You are not going to save him from what he has gone through. The only one who can help him is himself. We all carry baggage but it's up to ourselves to overcome those issues.

That being said, if you decide to stay with him, you're going to have to endure a lot of pain and suffering because of his massive insecurities. Being insecure is one thing, but he is being straight up disrespectful to you.

In healthy relationships, there is ALWAYS respect for the other person. Accusing you of the things you mentioned is not that. In a way, he's being manipulative because that is the only way he knows how to handle relationships. It's not his fault entirely but he does need help.

Ask yourself do you want to have a relationship that is full of accusations and insecurities? Is that how you want to remember your college years? Can you imagine a future with someone like that?

In the end it's your choice to decide what is best for you.

Good luck and be very careful!!!

cryingforever 07-07-2011 05:20 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
The relationship will not get better until he sees a counsellor and helps him with his insecuritys or any past issues he may have. I wouldnt say hes a bad man hes just insecure and terrified of been cheated on or other issues. I know that feeling. He is been controlling which is super wrong.

Tell him you have had enough and hes got 2 choices , either he goes to counselling and sorts his own issues out and starts making progress and you get to rebuild your relationship ( as it is possible to happen) OR if he doesnt get help and stays the way he is then bye bye.

People can recover from insecuritys and can rebuild a damaged relationship. I am living proof. I was paranoid, insecure, accusing my boyfriend of things even though they was nothing there, i'd watch his every move, follow him everywhere, wouldnt let him out of my sight, always had to know what hes talking about, who hes talking to , whos texted him etc etc etc....long list.

I went to therapy ........now i am absolutely fine and my relationship is now amazing. I came on healthboards blaming him, complaining about him been distant but then i realised it was my behavour that was causing all our problems (well 99% of them) and then i went to therapy.

So as you can see , people can get over insecuritys with time , determination. Your boyfriend is just scared of been hurt thats all he just needs a little help to change his way of thinking and his fears etc....

If it goes on much longer my suggestion is leave but ask him to see a counsellor first and give him a chance if hes willing to go and if he attends.

auntdew 07-07-2011 07:44 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
While his background somewhat explains why he is how he is, it does not excuse him of his behaviour or make you less vulnerable to it.

Yes, he does need to see a counselor, but this is not going t be a quick fix.

He obviously has trust issues, and trust is an important part of any healthy relationship.

Do you want to be in a relationship for years waiting for the counselor to fix his trust problems?

CadenceA 07-07-2011 08:52 PM

Re: Sick of being accused of things...
 
A bad childhood is no excuse.

And anyway, who really cares WHY he's controlling, obsessively jealous and emotionally abusive? The fact is, he IS and you can either stay and live your life cowering under his control, or you can get out now and start being free to do the things you want to do without fearing that someone is going to give you heck about it.

I know which one I'd choose.


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