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  • My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

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    Old 07-29-2011, 10:44 PM   #16
    canaryalice
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    Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

    I, too, am in a relationship much like this one. There seems to be no easy answer. I, just like you, love him very much. He and I have known each other for 11 years but just recently started dating. We've kept in touch through out the years, always knowing there was a connection but never doing anything about it because the timing was wrong. Either I was with someone, or he was with someone, or he was living somewhere else, and vice versa. Finally, the time seemed right a few months ago and here we are.

    My boyfriend also has some issues. He does suffer from OCD and has been diagnosed as clinically depressed, as have I, both years ago, but we've both gotten over that. He was also diagnosed split personality disorder as well. He has been cheated on in every relationship he has ever been in before me, so I know he has trust issues. He is also very insecure, due to baggage from last relationships and childhood.

    It is not easy to deal with, I know. I am bombarded on a daily basis with questions about every detail of every sexual experience I've had. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done. I surrounded myself with a bad group of people who influenced me to do a lot of stuff. I was a victim of the "chameleon identity" if you will. I struggled since childhood about my identity, stemming from adoption. I've also been sexually abused and molested. These are all roots of my behavior later with sex. But this doesn't seem to phase him except when he's himself. When we are great and he is truly who I see him as, we talk maturally and he understands the reasons behind my actions and accepts it. Then very quickly at times, and other times it takes longer, he'll snap and forget everything and doubt me. He'll say that I was doing those things because it was truly me and will call me bad names that I won't post. He'll tell me that he won't touch me again or kiss me. Another frustrating thing is when he gets in his mood, he'll start with one thing I did that he is not happy about, then he'll go straight to another and just list everything I've done. He'll find ways to do this in different contexts, in turn making me feel worthless and truly feel like I was ****, even though I know I wasn't. It's sad because I want so badly to build a relationship, but it's being sabatoged by constant obsession about the past.

    I've tried so many things to handle his moods. I've tried discussing on his terms, I've tried refusing to answer (which only makes him think the worst even though he knows all details already), I've tried giving him space by leaving the room or he'll go for a drive (which tends to help, but not all the time), I've tried distracting him, I've tried focusing on US and tell him how much I love him and the reasons why, I've threatened to leave, I've ignored him and just sat there while he goes to town on talking nonstop about it then it turns into insults. Nothing works, plain and simple.

    I've left in the middle of his moods on numerous occasions, only to come back because I love him. I've even broken up with him, leading to dangerous behavior on his part. It scared me, so of course I went back to him the next day. He has also threatened to break things off because my past is too much to deal with. I've told him time and time again that he's with ME, not my past. Accept ME, be with ME! It doesn't help. I show him as much as I can how much I love him. I reassure him a lot that he is everything I've ever wanted (minus the past obsession) and that I want that strong man to shine. I've seen how great we are, I see it all the time. But it's tarnished by constant questions and discussions that turn into insults and yelling.

    There was talk about moving in together, however I put my foot down on that and we are no longer planning on doing that, atleast not until things get better and stable. We've talked about getting help, but he thinks we need help because of MY issues (aka....my past). I think we both need to talk to a professional separately and together because we clearly both have dealt with a lot in life and we are not strong enough to deal with it on our own.

    Maybe you two should seek help?? Especially if you decide to move there. Maybe tell him that the only way you'll be moving there is if he will go with you to seek help.

    I'm right there with you and feel your misery. We both need to prepare ourselves that even though we feel breaking up is just not an option because we love them so much, it may be the only option eventually. We both need to think of our own mental and emotional health. We love our men, but we need to love ourselves more, especially if we're being abused.

    I hope nothing but the best for you and him and hope you find contentment and peace.

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-10-2011 at 05:34 PM.

     
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    Old 09-10-2011, 05:15 PM   #17
    yayagirl
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    Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

    Oh my!

    This relationship will not get better. It is not about true love. It is at best about romanticism and day dreams.

    There is no way anyone could have contentment and peace in this relationship except if in extreme denial or if you are in a catatonic state. Please consider why you are compelled to make yourself this miserable in spite of the reality that he does not respect you. It isn't right or fair, but then he isn't right or fair, and you think this will change and somehow he will become a different man than he actually is.

    Why you want to choose to subject yourself to this abuse is about your perception of yourself, not about how great he is, not at all. I hope you get some help in regard to your past regrets and why you would allow anyone to throw it back in your face. That he treats you nicely sometimes then beats you up with something you can't change doesn't make him 'perfect'. It shows he is dishonest and abusive. He may as well call you names for the color of your eyes. It is exactly the same thing. You can't change who you are and he doesn't love who you are. That isn't love. It isn't about his fears. It is him thinking he is better than you and deserves better than you. He is lying to himself and to you. He does not love you.

    The relationship is obsession plain and simple. Both his and also yours. It isn't love on his part or love on your part. Real love is not like what has been described.

    Real love doesn't stay or keep on trying 'no matter what'. Real love acts responsibly 'no matter what'. Real love knows what is your own responsibility and what is his, and what I read shows no responsibility at all. Love isn't just a crap shoot.

    It's your choice, so if you go ahead and step into this please, please, please never ever take a chance of bringing innocent children into it. Children feel responsible (even though they aren't) for the mistakes of the parents, and this scenario could easily cause a child to become dangerously depressed or even suicidal. Do what you feel like doing and think you can change or redeem him, but do what it takes to be sure to leave children out of the picture.

    Please.

    Last edited by yayagirl; 09-10-2011 at 05:50 PM. Reason: spelling

     
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