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    Old 08-18-2011, 09:46 AM   #31
    Belly Kelly
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    She does a pretty good job at turning everything around as if she is the victim in all of this. She is dishonest, unfaithful (emotionally) and unloving. You have a big problem here, as honesty is the core of any relationship.

    I recommend counseling if you want to save your marriage. If she refuses to go, then that tells you that she doesn't want to save the marriage.

    Good luck!
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    Old 08-18-2011, 09:50 AM   #32
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by twobyfour View Post
    When bedtime came, she approached me for physical contact and the dread came over me. I could not help but bring it up again, and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I explained that the trust I had that was there is somewheat missing and it may take a while to get it back. Upon this type of conversation her mood quickly went south. She again became defensive and we started to argue.
    So after months and months, apparently three years, of you two not having a physical relationship at all, she finally feels close enough to you to initiate some physical contact, and you reject her. I can understand why you would, but from her point of view, that must have felt like an incredibly hard slap in the face. She finally trusts you with the truth, or most of it, lets her guard down, and you slam the door. I think your marriage is in a fast tailspin. You want something from her that she just can't give you until you give something to her that you have no idea how to give. And round and round and round you will go until it finally leads to divorce court. I think you guys need to consider marriage counseling to get past this.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 12:21 PM   #33
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Like some poster said, if she accepts couple counseling, then you may have some hopes that your marriage will be saved. If she rejects it, things may get rougher, but it is not for you despair, though. I think your wife and your marriage is in need of a challenge, if you see what I mean. Ok, the baby was/is a challenge, but I am talking about a different kind of challenge.

    You need a new project of life, or you need to reassert a goal you shared when you got married. What were you both planning for the future and that now you may have inadvertently put on backburner?

    Is your wife happy with the house you are living in? Does she really feel at home here? The house, the location, the town, the neighbours - all is very important, especially for a woman. This may sound off-topic, but I would even consider a new house in an attempt to put your marriage on the right track again. Ask her what she thinks about this.

     
    Old 08-19-2011, 07:45 AM   #34
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by twobyfour View Post
    Well I had a long talk with her the other night and she finally came out and told me what was going on. I couldn't stand myself, and I couldn't hold back the fact that I knew something was up. As it approached bedtime I went in the other room, just because I didn't want her to see how upset I was.......
    (I won't quote the entire post but wanted to comment on this).

    What you just described is the exact same scenario I went thru with my ex-wife. My ex-wife has a way of projecting fault onto someone else knowing full well she was/is in the wrong. She made it habit to take a scenario, turn it around and make it into a situation where she isn't at fault no matter what may have occurred.

    My ex-wife, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did/didn't do, no matter what color the sun was that day when she woke up, she would routinely find something I did wrong or say she wasn't happy because of me.

    Your comment about her saying she didn't feel loved really struck a chord with me. Again, my ex-wife said the same thing. No matter what I did to make her feel loved, it was never good enough. She always seemed to take it a notch higher each time. She wasn't willing to accept me for who I am. She could never accept my faults as a person/husband as being who I am. I always did what I thought I needed to do, and what I knew how to do, to make her feel loved. I'm not one who can openly verbalize my feelings and emotions. Instead I find it much easier to write them down on paper. To her that wasnt good enough. I had to be able to openly talk with her about my problems, concerns, etc. Not doing so meant I wasn't showing my love to her. Not doing so meant she felt unloved, un-needed, etc.

    Fair warning, it appears your wife is doing the same to you. No matter what you do in the future, she will always claim she doesn't feel loved. You could ride in on a white horse and being her knight in shining armor, proclaiming your eternal and everlasting love for her in front of thousands and she may just turn around and say I didn't mean that, I needed the little things. You could spend your entire life tending to those "little things" and she may tell you it wasn't enough.

    My current wife is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me (aside from the birth of my two boys). We have our issues from time to time and she'll let me know about them, but we talk about them, we work thru and on them and we move on. Never again does it come in when we argue about something. Never does she throw my faults back in my face. Never does she not accept me for who I am. She knows, understands and accepts me for who I am and she is perfectly happy with that. She knows I'm not perfect but she still loves me unconditionally. I suspect your wife will not do the same no matter what you do or try. Things may be great for a while but they'll eventually return. Right now it appears your wife is thinking the grass is greener on the other side. My ex-wife did. She started cheating on me about 6 years into our marriage. Like you, I was naive about it. Looking back, it all makes perfect sense. The late nights after work, the "going to hang out with so and so from work" tonight excuse, etc. One day she even told me she was going to a conference for work with a female co-worker. She called me when she got there but not another word from her the rest of the trip. When she returned I was extremely agitated and ******. Her excuse was "I forgot". She forgot to call and talk to her kids or see how they were doing. I had no way of getting in touch with her. Come to find out, it wasn't a conference nor did her co-worker go. She drove to another state to meet a guy she met online. When I confronted her about everything and I mean everything, she promptly became defensive and accused me of driving her to do the things she did. It was my fault she cheated on me. A couple years later she remarried claiming it was the best relationship ever, etc etc. Several years after that, they divorced and of course it was her husbands fault. Not hers.

    My point in all this diatribe and drivel is it appears to me your wife is very similar to my ex-wife. No matter what she says, no matter what you say and no matter what you two do, things will never be good enough. And the fact she keeps checking her phone like a hawk leads me to believe she really has no intention of trying to make the marriage the work. Be leery and proceed with caution. If she really wants to make this marriage work, she must be willing to stop all communication with this guy and be willing to be open and honest with you.

     
    Old 11-05-2011, 08:41 AM   #35
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    So let's fast forward a few months..

    When I left this topic a few months ago, I had confronted my wife without telling her that I had been through her phone. That is detailed in reply 26 of this thread. In the days after this I got suspicious that she still had not told me everything..it's all detailed there.

    A few days after that, I called my phone company and got a detailed list of all texts sent. I can do this because I am on the account. I have also been able to access this on a dialy basis. Now, again, let's please not get into whether this is morally right, or any arguments. Just know that I did it, and I think I was right in doing so because of trying to save my marriage. It turned out to be the right thing to do if you continue to read.

    I had that long talk with her on a sunday night, which was 8/14. It took me until that next friday before I had access to the texts, which was 8/19. I heard nothing all weekend long and was beginning to feel okay. My wife will go to her mother's house on the weekends, especially on sundays. They go to church and do some things around the house. My job has me tied up most of the time, usually seven days a week. I'm free at night though. That weekend I still felt nervous about her going to her hometown, which is also where this guy she had been texting lives. When I say her hometown, I mean the town that is like 20 minutes away - where her parents live. I tried to be inconspicuous, but I decided to go with her to her mom's house that saturday and the following sunday - Basically stick by her side so she wouldn't have a chance to do anything. All the while I tried to stay under the radar. Keep in mind she usually goes and does these things with just her and the baby. I'm either at work or just don't go every time.

    So that saturday night, she had planned to go shopping with her friend from high school she had been talking to. This is the friend I mentioned in the first part of this thread. I didn't really want to go shopping with her, but told her if she needed company I wouldn't mind going, so I went. We didn't get home until late that night, and she decided to come home with me and leave the baby at her parent's house. She would be back for church the next morning anyway. So the night went by with nothing unusual. She got up and headed back over to her moms that sunday. I offered to come over and eat with them after church. I remianed there the rest of the day, and we finally left to go home that afternoon.

    That sunday night, which was 8/21, she finallty slipped. There were two texts exchanged between the two of them. Hers pretty much said "sorry I haven't been able to come see you all weekend, my husband has been being a leech and has been with me everywhere I have been." His reply was a

    So this sent me into panic. I tried not to show it and did a pretty good job of it. The next day we got up and went to work as usual, and it didn't take long before she started the conversation. She asked him how his day was going, and it was pretty much normal back and forth until she said that she had a headache and didn't feel good. He replied that it was because she hadn't seen him. There was nothing really said for the rest of the day, but I had all the proof I needed that something was going on. The next day was 8/23, a tuesday, and while she was at work, we got into a major argument with texts. I basically confronted her again, and told her I knew she was still lying. I never told her I had access to the texts, but pressed harder and continued from the first confrontation we had already. One thing led to another and I finally got her to admit that she had been talking to the guy still, and she even gave me his name and number.

    So as the afternoon went on, I pressed both of them, and was able to make them talk between each other and admit everything that had happened. I knew this because I had access to the texts. They of course did not know that I could see everything that was being said between the two of them. It all came down to the fact that they had shared a couple of heated conversations, and she had sent him a few explicit pictures. That's pretty much it. Once I knew what had really happened, I kept pressing them both. She finally admitted to everything, and I even got her to admit that she had sent an explicit pic.

    While I am sure my wife wondered how in the heck I knew she was lying, she still had no recourse. She sadly walked into the door that afternoon when she got home from work and was a changed person. She didn't say much for the entire night. Things slowly got better day by day, and no texts were sent between the two of them. Once she opened up a bit and I told her that I was very disapointed, etc., we began to resume our normal lives. Suprisingly, everything went very well and out bedroom activities and everything between us took off again like a rocket. It was like we had just met all over again. I have to admit I really enjoyed it.

    Over the next few weeks, things started ot fall off again. The newfound re-creation of our love for one another fell off again, and we fell right back into the same routine of hardly no physical contact..day to day stuff as usual. There has not been a single text sent betwen them until yesterday. He sent her a text and got the conversation started, and it was like they had never missed a beat. When he asked her how everything was going, she replied "same stuff, different day". He told her he was sorry and asked why didn't she just leave. She replied back with the only reason she stays was because of our daughter. I'm about about to lose my mind at thids point..as you can probably imagine.

    It got even worse. She went on to say that she didn't want to have to deal with the embbarrasment of seperation, and even said that she could not deal with step parents - another woman I would surely meet trying to raise her child. He is divorced, so of course he makes it all sound so easy to work through and offers her encouragement. Then, in a final blow (to me) she says the problem with my marriage is that my husband is in love with me, but I am not in love with him. It rocked on, and he ran with everything she said and then finally started talking explicitly.

    He told her he still had the pics she had sent him, that he had just looked at them, and then made advances towards her. (Another note: the day a few months ago when I was texting him in the middle of our huge argument, I told him I wanted him to send me the pics she had sent. He of course said that he had deleted them and that he didn't keep stuff like this on his phone. I never believed it, and it looks like I was right.) She basically replied with responses that she liked the idea, but was not ready to do something like that. He kept pushing of course, and she told him that she was not ready to do something like that, because it could compliment the situation further. He blew it off, and tried to advance again. She replied with "you make it sound so easy". So the conversation was just kind of normal between them throughout the rest of the afternoon. He finally asked when she was coming to see him. She said Sunday (which will be tomorrow) mid morning or afternoon. (Remember this is the time that she would normally be at her mom's, and they would easily watch the baby if she needed to "go to the store".) So he then told her he wouldn't be able to do anything until tomorrow night.

    This is where the story changes directions

    She told him that it would not work out where she could come see him because our daughter would be going to see her great grandmother tomorrow night. he fussed a little. The thing is, she is talking about my grandmother. We rarely go to see my grandmother, and when we do it is on sunday evenings. we routinely don't go because we don't have time and have too much to get done. It usually ends up every two or three weeks before we go to see her, and we saw her last week. The point is, she could have easily told him okay, and then just told me that she would be over at her moms until later tomorrow night, which isn't unusual. They finally end the conversation and she tells him that she is fixing to be home, can't talk etc.

    So then she walks in the door and is in a totally friskyl mood. I can tell that she is acting differently. She has a look in her eye that she normally doesn't have. I would have been able to notice this even if I didn't have access to her texts, and knew what she had been talking about all day with this guy. Nothing ever happened between us because of the baby last night, but it would have if the baby would have gone to sleep early.

    I am confused here. She told me when we finally had the big argument and she admitted everything that she never intended to meet the guy; it just made her feel good that somebody else thought she was attractive and wanted to sleep with her. She said she never would have gone through with it.

    So now I think back on when she said that. I feel like she may be using this guy to get "in the mood" and then come home to me. It obviously isn't right, but I don't think I have enough to confront her just yet. I'm going to ride it out a few days, and see what happens. I really don't know what else to do. My options seem limited at this point, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I know that if she did actually meet up with this guy, something would probably happen. I have been there before myself, and as some of us know, emotions and what is right fly out the window and the only thing that remains is the lust and the way the situation seems so forbidden. I did that when I was younger before I was married..that's what I meant there. I have remained true to this marriage to a T though, and I will not stray.

    I know that really the only thing I can do is actually show up in person if he decides to go to his house. From what I have read, I'm sure she hasn't been there yet. I know it for a fact based on her texts. But, that doesn't mean she hasn't entertained the idea of going (obviously). If she were to go, I could go and intercept her. I feel like if I catch her this way it will stick..but what will happen next?? This will tip her off that I knew what was going on, and obviously she is going to wonder how. She will most likely tell her mother that she is going to the store or something, etc. The baby will be left there and she will go alone. Another problem is I don't know where the guy lives. The only thing that might work is if she asks him where he is or for an adress in a text. That's it.

    Man I need a prayer right now. Sorry this was so long and thank you for reading.

     
    Old 11-05-2011, 09:28 AM   #36
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    What about the fact that she says she doesn't love you anymore? I mean, for a woman, there is a lot more to love than feeling frisky once in a while. I think this is the issue that you really need to focus on. If you follow her around, "intercept" her if she tries to rendevouz with this guy, the problem of her not loving you anymore will still be there. I think you need to talk to her, not about this guy and what's going on with him, but why she feels she doesn't love you anymore and is there anything you can do to get back to where she was in love with you, and if she thinks that's even a possibility.

     
    Old 11-05-2011, 09:52 AM   #37
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Yes I agree. But the problem is how to get her to admit that she doesn't love me anymore. She always claims that she loves me so much..

    As of now, there is no way I can get her to fess up without giving up the fact I have been reading her texts..and I don't want that. I would rather approach it cautiously from the outside with caution and use the fact that I have access to her texts in my favor (as best as I can).

    -Like I said..I'm not sure what to believe here.

    Could she have possibly said that to him, just to make him give her more attention..or could she have been serious..I want to believe she isn't serious, but I know better.

     
    Old 11-05-2011, 03:59 PM   #38
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Unfortunately, women do this all the time. When it's a new relationship they get all happy and excited especially about getting married, but when it isn't always like in the romantic novels instead of trying to fix it they just want out.

    I'd file for divorce and hope you don't get screwed over.

    Last edited by Jmart432; 11-06-2011 at 10:17 AM.

     
    Old 11-06-2011, 09:44 AM   #39
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Whether she's "serious" or not, what she is doing is completely imappropriate for a married woman.

    Are you going to give her all the power to decide if the marriage will continue or not? Are you going to wait for her to "choose" and hope she chooses you?

    Either she's married or she's not. She doesn't get to be married but date someone else. That's not the way it works. I'd tell her she can be free to go be with the other guy because I wouldn't tolerate being married to someone who is trying to date or even "just flirt" with someone else.

     
    Old 11-06-2011, 10:20 AM   #40
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    She probably does love you, Two by four, but is feeling severely neglected.

    Cheating on someone or doing the text-somebody-else-for-sexual-reassurance doesn't mean you don't love the person you're with. It means you're not getting something that you need from the first relationship.

    Now, the fault in this lives in both the cheater and the cheated-upon. The cheater, because in an ideal world, should be able to approach the first partner and honestly state what they need.

    And in an ideal world, the person who ends up being cheated upon should be able to listen to those needs beforehand non-judgementally and see if any change in their own behaviour is needed.

    Sometimes the problem is skewed one way or the other, but usually, no matter what people say, it is usually a 50/50 split. Not sometimes, USUALLY. It's just easier to blame the person actively cheating because it's easier to articulate why the behaviour isn't favourable to the relationship. The behaviour of the danger-of-being-cheated-upon is a little easier to gloss over, or pretend it doesn't matter. (It does.)

    You should probably forget about this guy that your wife is texting. Just burn the text message copies you receive and focus on - like what Larrylou's mom said - on your wife and improving your relationship with her.

    If you keep looking at the negative (your wife texting another man for getting her sexual attractiveness quotient filled), you can start looking at the positive ("What can I do to fill that need?")

    Having been a situation where I was tempted (and eventually did stray), I do not condone the business of cheating on a lover or a husband, but I do also know that it is not just the one person's fault. I didn't have the communication skills to state my needs to the person I loved, and when I tried to indicate what I wanted through other means (not advisable now, I know, but I was young and stupid), I would be passively rejected by the boyfriend (he didn't even say anything mean - he'd be like "I want to do something else" every single time. Never "Let's try that!" "oh, that could be an interesting idea" ... but the end result is that I stopped trying to put up new ideas, because he just wouldn't listen to them or acknowledge them. And that was the beginning of the end :/

    I loved the guy dearly, and didn't want to leave him, but ended up doing so because of the lack-of-open-communication.

    I would say maybe just instead of chasing after your wife like a hunter closing in for the kill (i.e. catching her cheating), maybe take a step back and see if there are ways you can make her feel loved and wanted, so that she won't need this other guy.

    Think back to what really made her happy in the beginning of your relationship and start from there. Whenever she talks to you about something, repeat what she says in your head once or twice before replying, so you have a moment to really think over what she's said (and it'll show that you're taking what she says seriously). If she likes compliments, start simple - "I like the way your eyes look in this light", "I think you look really pretty in that" (use the "I think", it'll stick more).

    Also, figure out if you still want to make this work - because you may have to take the higher and more forgiving ground to make this work - not bringing up the bad stuff over and over again, trusting your wife even if you might feel she doesn't deserve it, and holding your words back even if you feel like they should be said.

    So ask yourself very seriously about whether you're willing to do that (and some people don't want to - and that can be a fair choice), but if if you're not, don't try to or say you're going to try, but cut your losses and retreat gracefully.

     
    Old 11-06-2011, 07:54 PM   #41
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    A agree with a lot of what Linnia has to say for advice. My wife had issues with my lack of communication with her early on in our marriage 16 years ago. Before the days of text messages and ********, she found that her boss seemed to give her more attention than I did. I knew him well, so I never suspected anything was going on. She finally came to me one night and told me that she screwed up and kissed her boss. We talked for several days and she insisted that was all that happened and we decided to move forward working on our marriage if she quit her job and ceased all contact with her now ex-boss. Fast forward 15 years, and 3 kids later, I was hit with a bomb that I never saw coming. She came home one night from a church retreat and I could see something was wrong with her and asked her what was up. She started crying and I asked her again, and I knew it had something to do with her relationship with her boss from years before. She came clean that night and admitted that she lied before and had been living the lie for 15 years. She had had an affair with him and swears they only had sex once. For me this was like being hit by a freight train. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that my wife had sex with another man or that she had lied about it for 15 years? I have decided to stay with her for the kids sake and she lives everyday hoping that I will forgive her. I admit that I have SOME responsibility in what happened, but she made the choice to step out. What I find the most difficult to deal with is that she had at that point completely emotionally given up on our relationship. I think you have an opportunity to make this work IF you choose to, but it will take work on both sides. I would definatley make time for marriage counseling and see where that takes you. My wife and I have learned through ours how to communicate better and be more uplifting to each other. If she is unwilling to go to counseling, I would take that as a major red flag issue. At that point, I would say that she has probably taken her relationship with this other guy to another level. I hate to say that learning to trust her again is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. Still to this day I have thoughts that come into my mind wondering if she told me the whole truth or has lied about anything else. I drive by her old work place and see her ex-bosses car and want to smash it. I still love my wife, but I have to say that it is different now. Still a work in progress.

    I hope she is willing to really work on this for your family's sake. I wish you the best of luck.

     
    Old 11-06-2011, 10:20 PM   #42
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Hmmm..I guess if it looks like a duck & walks like a duck ..its a duck huh? Im sorry for the pain you must be in...You say "not knowing if its harmless or not" Ummm...hate to tell you, ITS NOT HARMLESS! if it were harmless, she wouldnt be hiding phone from you & keeping the fact shes talking to him from you...You need to confront her so that ir doesnt get too late..she may become involved with this guy & start feelings...new loves always feel so strong ..u may not have a chance if you dont nip it in bud. You can tell her you would like to go to counselling due to arguments etc...or you could just admit you came across her phone...I dont really understand why you cant look at her phone anyways..youre married! Say it was ringing!! lol and u answered it.. but actually honesty is always the best policy...Im also confused about your so Godly woman..are you talking about the one that is married to you that is secretly texting another man & hiding her phone from you?? hellloooo???? I wish you the best...Youre paying attention, you have your eyes open, I just think you need to open them all the way, be honest about what is going on here & how Godly she really is..No offense. Good luck..You seem like a good guy the is loyal and wants the best for his family..and loves his wife and child. You certainly do not deserve this..

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 06:39 AM   #43
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    There are several things that bother me very deeply about this.

    1.) I mentioned it earlier in this thread - one night after the truth had came out the first time, I told her how disappointed I was in her that she would even let another person speak to her, even though he knew she was married. I made it very clear that he must not be much of a man if he is doing this. She didn't say much about it, when clearly it is wrong. With what I saw this past friday with the continued texting, she obviously still doesn't care.

    Another thing that flat out makes me mad..

    2. I did not have a phone conversation with this guy, only text. I have never met him in person. Back in August when the crap hit the fan that day, she gave me his number. I proceeded to text him; I was upset with him and it showed. I did everything but threaten him. I was actually pretty polite about it given the circumstances. He said he'd never talk to her again, apologized, etc. I made it clear to him that she was married (as if he didn't already know) and that he was not only messing with her but my entire family, and that I wasn't going to have it. I was firm. I thought he understood. The way he picked up and started talking to her again like that never even happened angers me very bad. And the fact that she started replying back like nothing ever happened makes it worse. I can't really go and threaten him or take action against him if my wife is just as guilty..

    I am still very hurt by the things she said and I am still struggling with whether or not this is simply an emotional affair (to get attention) or if it is serious. I have read every single reply and taken them to heart. I know if I was looking in from the outside I would think very differently, but being the one in the relationship and the fact that we have a child makes me fight for all it is worth to try and save it. I'm just not exactly sure when to make the right move.

    No texts were sent over the weekend. She said that she would talk to him on saturday, when they left their conversation on friday afternoon right before she got home. Nothing was said all weekend. I suspect I may see something today.

    Over the weekend, on saturday afternoon, I took her somewhere quiet where we could talk. I brought up the relationship and how it was going. She is clearly unhappy with me and she is able to express that much, but as far as being detailed, it is not clear. It mostly centers around the daily grind of life as we know it, and the routine. I do know that much. She has a very bad problem with communication. She always has. We operate on two totally different levels sexually as well, and I have a much higher drive than she does. This is probably our number one problem. I work with the issue as best as I can, but it is very frustrating sometimes. When we first got together three years ago, she was incredible in the bedroom. As time wore on she got worse and worse. Now, it is so bad she doesn't even hardly participate. Friday when they were texting back and forth, he made advances to her. You probably read that in my reply. She said that she would like to, but wasn't sure it was a good idea because it would only complicate things further. She then said that it had been along time since she enjoyed it..

    I guess the reason I am hanging on so hard is because of my values. My parents were divorced when I was 3, and I grew up with fueding parents and constant problems with step parents and step siblings. I don't wish that on my kids for anything in this world, and I have made a promise to myself that if I could help it, my kids would be raised with both their mother and father present in a loving home. That way, hopefully, we raise our children with those values.

    On my wife being a Godly woman..She was raised in the same church she still attends some sundays. The same pastor has been there every since she can remember. Her parents are very involved in the church, and it shows in her character. Obviously this behaviour as of late does not reflect it. When my wife and I were married, we did not agree on church. That has always been one of the biggest wedges between us. We come from two different denominatios, although we are both Christians. I have pretty much gotten to the point where I never go, and she just goes by herself and takes our daughter. Her father has significance in the church as well.

    When she was talking about our relationship problems to the guy she was texting, he advised her to talk bout it with someone. She said that she hadn't talked to anybody but him and thanked him for listening to her problems, etc. He then told her to talk to her parents, and that's when she made the comment that everybody in her family thought the we (my wife and daughter and I) were a perfect little family and she didn't want to let anybody down. It's just a guess, but I imagine her father would be pretty upset with her if she were to mention to him she was considering splitting up with me.

    I thought I might talk to him myself about the situation, but I don't know if I should. I know that he could talk to her, and probably put some sense back into her, because she respects him deeply. After all it is her decision, but maybe she needs some guidance. That would have to be about the hardest thing I have ever approached my father-in-law with. Still debating on whether or not to do that. I know that I could talk with him and it would not be shared with her mother, but still I feel I should tread lightly. Showing him the proof (in texts) would be the only thing that would make my approach to him valid, and I'm not sure I want to share with him the kind of activity and behavior she is exibiting. He would be pretty hurt. I even considered talking to her church pastor, and letting him talk with her, but I would rather talk to her father first I believe. I would rather not announce this to anybody I don't have to. I am very embbarrased about it.

    After we talked saturday, we gained a little bit of ground. I tried to explain to her the importance of communication. One of the problems I see we have is that when she doesn't like something, she doesn't say anything. Instead she lets it go to the point where she gets into the position she is in now. I tried to explain to her the importance of communication and telling each other about the issues we each have so that we can take steps to resolve them. When we left, she seemed to act a little differently and of course exclaimed her love for me all weekend. I just really hope she is being honest. I really hope what she was telling the other guy about not being in love with me was only a statement with no real meaning. If she is lying, she is doing an excellent job.

    The way somebody can lie to your face is unbelievable. Honestly mind blowing. Throughout my pain and aguish over the situation, I am able to maintain my control and feelings though because I have an inside view. As much as it hurts, I do consider to be better off knowing what she is saying to someone else. It could be the difference in whether or not our relationship survives in my opinion. Just think about if I hadn't known, it could slip away and I would never even know she was communicationg with someone else.

    I am a guy, and I am not stupid. I can pretty much bet that based on the guys actions he has no interest in my wife emotionally; just a lust thing. I could be wrong, but that is what I see. I feel like my wife is actually believing him when he says he insn't like that, and that alone will suck her in and she will do something she may regret..

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 08:52 AM   #44
    outnumbered1
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Twobyfour, From someone who has lived a very similar experience to yours, I feel your pain and desire to keep your family together. That being said, there are a couple of things from your latest post that I can offer a little advice on:

    1: I know you may have different views on church, but this would be a great place for your family to come together. I know you said that your work interferes sometimes, but you should make an effort to make this something that you all do TOGETHER at least some of the time. If she values your marriage and family as she should, this can help a lot. Also, you could suggest that if she needs to talk to someone about your marriage, maybe her church has someone in the congregation that can counsel her, not some guy looking to destroy your marriage. My wife was raised in an very strict Christian home and I was not, however I am a Christian and we do attend the same Church. Her affair was a huge shock to me, based on her upbringing, I would have thought that I would be the weak one.

    2: Communication seems to be a big problem for both you and your wife. You are still both living a lie in a sense. She is obviously lying to you about still communicating with him, and you are working this whole thing through the knowledge you have based on her texts. Once you guys establish some sort of couselor, you BOTH need to come clean and truly open up about this to find the root of your problem. I'm not saying to let your knowledge of her texts out right away, but use your judgement. It would HAVE to be done in a loving manner and said just right to explain to her that the only reason you looked into them was that you love her and value your family and marriage. What ever you do, I would say, do not talk to this guy. He has one thing on his mind and that is to steal your wife. I know that I couldn't face my wife's ex-boss without breaking his nose or worse. Ask your wife to block his number from her phone if she will so you can work with her on your issues between you and her. This other guy is a snake and will work their conversations to make it look like he is the knight in shining armor and you are a bad husband/father.

    I hope you two can work throught this and she ultimately snaps out of this phase before it's too late. Your child needs a home with both mom and dad who love each other. Good luck and keep fighting for your family!

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 08:57 AM   #45
    Kszan
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I think you should stop reading her text messages because you're becoming obsessed with what they are talking about and it's turning into some kind of major soap opera. As some of the others have said, quit concentrating on what they are saying and doing and put more effort into fixing what you're doing wrong that makes her want to go to this guy.

     
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