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    Old 11-07-2011, 10:04 AM   #46
    Jmart432
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    I think you should stop reading her text messages because you're becoming obsessed with what they are talking about and it's turning into some kind of major soap opera. As some of the others have said, quit concentrating on what they are saying and doing and put more effort into fixing what you're doing wrong that makes her want to go to this guy.
    But what if he can't "fix it"? From my experience when a woman feels that her man isn't doing something "right" there's little any guy can do to make her change her mind.

     
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    Old 11-07-2011, 11:51 AM   #47
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by twobyfour View Post
    So let's fast forward a few months..

    Then, in a final blow (to me) she says the problem with my marriage is that my husband is in love with me, but I am not in love with him. It rocked on, and he ran with everything she said and then finally started talking explicitly.
    This right here resonated with me. Some of the other posters mentioned "loving" someone. To me, you can love someone even your spouse but if she's not IN love with you, that's a different story in my book.

    Have you flat-out asked her what you and her need to do together to fix this marriage? Have you asked her what you can do to get her to fall in love with you again?

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 12:17 PM   #48
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I have not flat out asked her again this time around. Remember we had these discussions back when it happened back in August, and I thought we were doing pretty well.

    With her lack of communication, she has not mentioned anything was wrong to me. She said this stuff to him on friday about not being in love, and that was the first contact between them that I know of since August.

    I am afraid that if I ask her now, she will be tipped off to the fact that I have access to her texts. Matter of fact, It may have already happened. No contact over the weekend between the two, and none today so far. I mentioned that she was acting strange when she came home frisky friday night, and I asked her why she was acting strange. I also had a litle talk with her saturday. She may have put one and two together and figured it out, me bringing this stuff up all the sudden, and her not hearing from him until friday.


    I did call a marriage counseling service today. waiting to hear back from them on what is involved. I imagine that actually asking my wife to go will be difficult. Those of you who have been in this position, how did you approach the subject?

    Also, they say I can come alone to begin with, or we can come together. I'm not sure what would be best.

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 12:24 PM   #49
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Then I would ask her if she loves you and wait for her response. Then ask her if she's IN love with you. Depending on her response, you can either say "Ok..what can I do to strengthen that feeling?" or "What can I do to re-ignite that feeling?" You're not really letting on that you already know.

    Marriage counseling is for married couples so ideally, both of you should be there together to start the sessions. Allows the counselor to get a feel/angle if you will, from the both of you. If they feel the need is there, they can decide to have one-on-one session with each of you.

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 12:31 PM   #50
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Hi, I'm so sorry that this is still going on despite confronting her in August. It takes two to tango so you need to ask if she is willing to have someone talk to her in a counseling arena. She needs to think about the consequences of her actions and being sure that she is still in contact with this person she is making her choices. Ask her if she wants to work on this marriage. You need to find out where you stand and if she wants to make this marriage work. She will be embarrassed if her family finds out and maybe since her father is a pastor or involved in church he should connect with his daughter or do they not have a good relationship. Is he connected to her emotionally? I am married and thought I would never have an affair but I had an emotional affair with someone who didn't know I really liked him and I read Every Woman's Battle and realized that emotional affairs are just as bad as a physical one. So I stopped thinking about this person and chose to focus on my husband and loving him. Even though you went through a terrible divorce with your mom and dad if the partner you are with is not faithful and loving then your child will pick up on that and have problems later. Best wishes my friend.

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 06:54 PM   #51
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Why are you so worried what she will say about you reading her texts? I highly doubt when you tell her and she remembers all the conversations that they had , that you now know about , that she will be the one yelling at you . I truly don't understand why you are skirting around this for so long. I know this was approached in August , but it was never really mended , and it sounds to me like you have sat by while this has continued on for the last few months.

    No offense but your actions make you sound wimpy and what you need to be doing is making a stand like a man. End this or start the process of fixing it once and for all or you will lose her I can promise you that.

    You are allowing her to have an emotional affair! You have read all the texts ! It is in Black and White ! What are you scared of ? I think honestly you do not want to hear it if she says she is not in love with you . If you want to continue to be miserable as you have been than so be it .
    Your wife sounds like she NEEDS you to act like a man. Lay it all out on the line without the fear of hurting her feelings , at this point you have nothing to lose.

     
    Old 11-07-2011, 10:37 PM   #52
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I have read through most of the posts and I do not agree, at all, with the advice that you should try and be the man she is wanting from this other guy. I would say that if she does not like the man she married, she can kiss it and leave. I agree with the above poster, you are allowing this to happen, because you have not taken a stand. Find your cojones man! I know it is hard to watch someone you love take more of an interest in someone that is not you and I know that it is hard to finally accept it is happening, but now is the time to accept it. She is choosing someone over you. She married you, but right now, she is not thinking of you, she is thinking of another man. You need to flat-out tell her to knock it off (I can't remember if you have already done this...) If she won't stop this behavior when you have firmly expressed your disdain, what more can you do, but to leave or ask her to remove her cheating butt from your life? As for getting help for your marriage, you cannot force someone who is not willing to change, to get help or to repair their feelings for you. She knows her behavior hurts you, yet she continues to do it. That's a blatant disregard for your feelings and your marriage. I think you need to tell her to get out and to take her precious phone with her. Maybe when this guy doesn't do it for her either, she can search for someone else on her phone....I bet there's an app for that.

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 05:05 AM   #53
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by momoftrio View Post
    Why are you so worried what she will say about you reading her texts? I highly doubt when you tell her and she remembers all the conversations that they had , that you now know about , that she will be the one yelling at you.....

    No offense but your actions make you sound wimpy and what you need to be doing is making a stand like a man. End this or start the process of fixing it once and for all or you will lose her I can promise you that.

    You are allowing her to have an emotional affair! You have read all the texts ! It is in Black and White ! What are you scared of ? I think honestly you do not want to hear it if she says she is not in love with you . If you want to continue to be miserable as you have been than so be it .
    Your wife sounds like she NEEDS you to act like a man. Lay it all out on the line without the fear of hurting her feelings , at this point you have nothing to lose.
    It isn't that I'm acting wimpy or am not a man. I am treading lightly because I'm trying to find out her true stance on all this. The reason I am worried about her finding out about my knowledge of the texts is because I don't want her to feel like I did it behind her back (although most likely unavoidable). I really don't want to open this thread up into a discussion of whether or not my doing so was right, but I will state some of my feelings. I personally think it is wrong, and I would be pretty upset if she did the same thing to me. The only difference though is that I don't have anything to hide. There would be no reason for me to be upset, except for the simple fact that she had looked and that would mean she was suspicious. That makes me feel like she wouldn't trust me. Even though I know it is wrong (to me), I feel like I had to do it and she left me no choice. If she never would have given me a reason to look, I would not have had to. That's the end of it.

    If you turn the tables, that's where I am. I don't trust her, and obviously I have good reason not to. What I have been going back and fourth with for the past few days is whether or not revealing that information will fix this. If I go to her and ask her she will most likely lie and say she hasn't talked ot him. And then of course, I know she will be upset that I brought it up, because back in August when it all blew up, I made a promise not to mention it again. I did that because I know how hurtful it can be to mentione something that happened in the past. The real reason for her anger though would be the fact that she had. As most of us know, when a partner is asked about something and they get defensive..that's usually a pretty good sign that they are doing what they were accused of.

    If I come to her with proof and show her, I'm not sure what will happen. Sure, I will probably skip the whole process of asking, listening to lies, listening to her get defensive..and so forth. But, will it really set her straight? I guess we'll only know the answer to that if I actually do ask. The only thing I can do to actually make herself trip over her own words is ask her if she would lie to me again. When she answers (most likely it will be a 'no"), ask her if she has talked to him. If she still lies and says that she hasn't, then show her proof. Then she will realize that not only has she been living a lie, but she just lied to my face. This is something I do not want to do under any circumstances, and honestly I wonder if it is even worth the pain it will cause us both.

    Am I afraid she will leave? Yes. I don't want to lose the one thing that is more important to me than any other thing in my life. She will also take the kid and that will be very bad. If I take the approach that I have mentioned above, provided she doesn't leave at the very sight of me showing her her own words; I can then ask her the point blank question. Do you want to stay and fix this, or do you think there is someone better for you? If she decides to go, I cannot stop her (and I know I shouldn't).

    Last night, I was reading over some things on my phone. I was reading some things that I had found related to low sex drive. She was listening as I was reading them out loud, because she (and I do too) believe that maybe her low libido type deal may be related to child birth and a few other things. I kept clicking links and went into a page on marriage counseling. She listed to the entire thing, which included who might benefit, how it helps you, etc.

    After that was over with, I approached her about going. She did not like the idea. She became defensive, and said that she would rather try to fix things on our own before we shared our problems with someone else. I tried to explain to her that it couldn't hurt, and we might actually learn some good points and tips, and she was still very hesitant. She claims her main reason for not wanting to go is because she doesn't want to have to talk about that. Her repsponse was that she has enough trouble talking to me, so what makes me think she would do better talking to somebody else about it? I then asked her, what if that person could help teach her some communication skills..she never really said anything. I then asked her what if I wanted us to go, would she go? She said yes, but I could tell she didn't like the idea. She then said again that she just would rather try to fix it on our own. I replied we had already tried several approaches, and they weren't really helping. She remained quiet. This worries me. I can't tell if she really is upset about being on the spot and having to communicate in front of a stranger, or if she really just has no interest in the way it could help fix us.

    Then again, I think she may be telling a lie. There is a reason she was comfortable telling the guy she has been texting about our problems. What makes him any different than a counselor? She claims she knows she has trouble talking to me..and knows she would have trouble talking to a counselor..but she sure was quick to tell this guy all of our problems.

    I really hate being in this position

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 06:42 AM   #54
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    i skimmed your last post.....and saw she has low libido?
    if she's cheating on you, she's no longer interested in you sexually, that's why it seems that she has low libido....but probably her libido is being re-routed to the other guy

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 06:56 AM   #55
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    i skimmed your last post.....and saw she has low libido?
    if she's cheating on you, she's no longer interested in you sexually, that's why it seems that she has low libido....but probably her libido is being re-routed to the other guy
    I didn't touch on that, but I feel like it may be the case.

    This has been going on every since the baby was born though. I'm trying to figure out where the transition may have been if there was one - as it seems.

    Could it be that her libido slowly started coming back after the baby started to get older, only for her to channel it to someone else..

    Obviously she would have had to have done that for some reason or another. Whether it is my fault or not, I'm not exactly sure at the moment.

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 07:01 AM   #56
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    i wonder if it started even before the pregnancy?
    are you 100% sure you're the father? have you had a paternity test?
    I don't mean to upset you, but you never know.....

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 07:04 AM   #57
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by twobyfour View Post
    It isn't that I'm acting wimpy or am not a man. I am treading lightly because I'm trying to find out her true stance on all this. The reason I am worried about her finding out about my knowledge of the texts is because I don't want her to feel like I did it behind her back (although most likely unavoidable). I really don't want to open this thread up into a discussion of whether or not my doing so was right, but I will state some of my feelings. I personally think it is wrong, and I would be pretty upset if she did the same thing to me. The only difference though is that I don't have anything to hide. There would be no reason for me to be upset, except for the simple fact that she had looked and that would mean she was suspicious. That makes me feel like she wouldn't trust me. Even though I know it is wrong (to me), I feel like I had to do it and she left me no choice. If she never would have given me a reason to look, I would not have had to. That's the end of it.

    If you turn the tables, that's where I am. I don't trust her, and obviously I have good reason not to. What I have been going back and fourth with for the past few days is whether or not revealing that information will fix this. If I go to her and ask her she will most likely lie and say she hasn't talked ot him. And then of course, I know she will be upset that I brought it up, because back in August when it all blew up, I made a promise not to mention it again. I did that because I know how hurtful it can be to mentione something that happened in the past. The real reason for her anger though would be the fact that she had. As most of us know, when a partner is asked about something and they get defensive..that's usually a pretty good sign that they are doing what they were accused of.

    If I come to her with proof and show her, I'm not sure what will happen. Sure, I will probably skip the whole process of asking, listening to lies, listening to her get defensive..and so forth. But, will it really set her straight? I guess we'll only know the answer to that if I actually do ask. The only thing I can do to actually make herself trip over her own words is ask her if she would lie to me again. When she answers (most likely it will be a 'no"), ask her if she has talked to him. If she still lies and says that she hasn't, then show her proof. Then she will realize that not only has she been living a lie, but she just lied to my face. This is something I do not want to do under any circumstances, and honestly I wonder if it is even worth the pain it will cause us both.

    Am I afraid she will leave? Yes. I don't want to lose the one thing that is more important to me than any other thing in my life. She will also take the kid and that will be very bad. If I take the approach that I have mentioned above, provided she doesn't leave at the very sight of me showing her her own words; I can then ask her the point blank question. Do you want to stay and fix this, or do you think there is someone better for you? If she decides to go, I cannot stop her (and I know I shouldn't).

    Last night, I was reading over some things on my phone. I was reading some things that I had found related to low sex drive. She was listening as I was reading them out loud, because she (and I do too) believe that maybe her low libido type deal may be related to child birth and a few other things. I kept clicking links and went into a page on marriage counseling. She listed to the entire thing, which included who might benefit, how it helps you, etc.

    After that was over with, I approached her about going. She did not like the idea. She became defensive, and said that she would rather try to fix things on our own before we shared our problems with someone else. I tried to explain to her that it couldn't hurt, and we might actually learn some good points and tips, and she was still very hesitant. She claims her main reason for not wanting to go is because she doesn't want to have to talk about that. Her repsponse was that she has enough trouble talking to me, so what makes me think she would do better talking to somebody else about it? I then asked her, what if that person could help teach her some communication skills..she never really said anything. I then asked her what if I wanted us to go, would she go? She said yes, but I could tell she didn't like the idea. She then said again that she just would rather try to fix it on our own. I replied we had already tried several approaches, and they weren't really helping. She remained quiet. This worries me. I can't tell if she really is upset about being on the spot and having to communicate in front of a stranger, or if she really just has no interest in the way it could help fix us.

    Then again, I think she may be telling a lie. There is a reason she was comfortable telling the guy she has been texting about our problems. What makes him any different than a counselor? She claims she knows she has trouble talking to me..and knows she would have trouble talking to a counselor..but she sure was quick to tell this guy all of our problems.

    I really hate being in this position
    You are never going to find her true feelings on this by treading lightly as you say. Again , you going to behind her back to find out what was going on with the texts is kind of irrelevant in all of this. You had a feeling your wife was cheating, did some investigating to prove it and you found your answers! How else were you suppose to find out ? She does not have a leg to stand on when this subject is approached . She is defensive because she is guilty.
    What I read from your posts is you going round and round in circles. The one statement that sticks out very far for me is the fact that she told this other guy she is not in love with you. Emtional affairs can be way more involved and damaging than physical ones and the fact that you keep questioning her hoping she tells you the truth is obviously not working. You need to bring out all the texts , slam them down on the table , and fight for your marriage. If she said them , she meant them .
    I think you may be suprised at her reaction to a bold move. A reality check and and in your face kind of approach sounds like exactly what she needs to finally reveal , since you have it all there in black and white , what she is feeling. She will probably break down . I think they may be the start to you seriously working on this if it is possible.

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 07:08 AM   #58
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    twobyfour, You have really gone out on a limb with perfect strangers on this forum and opened your heart to all of us and you have had many people giving you advise and telling you what to do. Obviously, it is your life and people can judge your reasons not to confront your wife about the texts, etc. but you have to make a choice sooner or later how you will confront your greatest fear and that is of breaking up your family and having your daughter live somewhere else with someone else besides you. Yes, it is difficult to confront someone and she is resisting counseling but if she wants to learn to communicate better she can talk to a counselor who can give you both insights into the behaviors you both find yourself in. You don't trust her and being her husband and the things that she has been doing behind your back, I wouldn't either and I would be very angry that she has broken the respect and trust of a marriage vow and commitment. She is playing with fire and will get burned. Face your fears, see where the pieces fall and get your life back on track. Your daughter needs a united front and parents who love each other and are there to teach her values. I think 4 months is a long time to continue this merry-go-round. Someone has to make a choice and decision and if you have faith, pray and ask God to help you make a wise choice. There is no fear in love and love does not hurt other people. Disrespect and distrust hurts much more.

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 08:15 AM   #59
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    i wonder if it started even before the pregnancy?
    are you 100% sure you're the father? have you had a paternity test?
    I don't mean to upset you, but you never know.....
    I'm am almost positive my baby is mine. I have had no paternity test done, but she looks like me. I know that doesn't mean anything, but still. I never a do a certain thing that would cause a baby, but did it a few times just to experience it..the baby was the result.

    I'm pretty sure this all started back in June or so. That is my guess. The guy sent her a message on ********, and told her she was hot. She told me about it, and told me it kind of made her uncomfortable and she didn't know what to think of it etc., as she didn't really know the guy.

    I didn't really say much. I more or less let her handle her own situations like that, and I figured she'd do the right thing. She mentioned his name then. Nothing else was said about it until I confronted her in August about it, and she admitted it was him that she was / had been talking to. This shocked me, given the way she was kind of freaked out (or so I thought) about the message he sent on ********.

    How it goes from that to her sending him pictures of herself is beyond me..

    I think one of the reasons she may feel connected to him is because he is divorced, and he also has a youg kid. I think she finds comfort in talking about what seperation is like and what to expect. This is obviously not a good thing. The whole time he has her guard down, he's making passes at her.

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 11:13 AM   #60
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Twobyfour, you need to put an end to this and confront her. This guy is one step away from taking your wife right out from under you. I agree with one of the recent posts, she may NEED to see you stand up and be the man in this situation and put and end to this. You have what you need for evidence and reasons for obtaining it, now do something with it. Every opportunity she has to talk/text this guy, she is one step closer to leaving you.

     
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