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twobyfour 08-15-2011 05:37 AM

I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Forgive me for such a long drawn out post; I'm sure this board has enough of those. I am gonna talk a little about my sitution though.

I have been married for almost three years to a beautiful young wife and we have a beautiful little girl. our little girl is two years old. My wife and I are both in our twenties.

My wife and I have a pretty good marriage I think. We seem to get along very well for the most part. There are a few things we don't agree on, but nothing that any other couple doesn't have either I would suspect.

Over the past few weeks, she has seemed to change. This is not my first rodeo, and I know how this goes. I've seen all the signs before so I'm more receptive to them now. I'm going to list some things my wife has been doing:

1. My wife has a very nice phone that I bought for her for her birthday last year. it is a smartphone. She hardly ever keeps up with it and it is regularly dead because she doesn't remember to charge it. She hates texting, and I have always hated that because I would love to talk to her throughout the day while we are at work. She just never cares about that kind of thing so we text very rarely. In a nutshell, she doesn't really have much interest in it. All the sudden, about a week ago, I noticed that she was glued to her phone. I assumed she was texting, because she was typing like crazy. At first I didn't say anything but as time wore on, I began to make hints that I noticed. I tried not to give myself away that I was concerned, and just told her I was glad that she was texting and that she had a friend to talk to. She has told me that she is texting a high school girlfriend, who I have met, and she seems like a nice girl....All that being said, she has kept her phone close by. whenever she gets up to do something she carries it with her. When shes's sleeping it's under her pillow. This is a far cry from what is usually the case, because most of the time it is missing in action.

2. Over the past week, she has been wearing more makeup than usual. Alot more makeup than usual. She has also been wearing her hair in different configurations than she has before. This threw a major red flag to me because she never puts on hardly any makeup. I made some comments about it, and again I tried not to give myself away that I was concerned. She just keeps telling me she's been wearing makeup like that. I'm not so sure, she is my wife, and I think I would know that kind of thing.

3. She has been way more argumentative latetly. Over the past week, she has pointed out some of my major flaws and from my past experience, this is not a good sign. When this happened to me in my other relationships, the girls were looking for a way out. Maybe a way to justify her unusual actions.

I went through her phone this morning while she was sleeping. I have been trying to get to it, but she has had it on lock down for the past few days.. Let's please not get into the discussion of whther or not this is ethical. I realize that is not a good move, and I don't condone it at all. But I feel like I don't have a choice at this point.

First of all the girlfriend she said she has been excessively texting doesn't add up. The conversations between her and that girl were probably 10-15 at the most, over the past week. I then I found something I didn't want to find. She had a text in there to that girl that said "don't say anything, but I met [i]an unamed guy[/i] on ********, and I have been texting him". The friend then asked her why and she said "because me and (myeslf) don't do anything but argue anymore. I'm so sick of it" There was a little more in there about me and her fussing. There was also a text where she made the comment that "[i]unamed guy[/i] is really sweet.

I looked through her ******** messages, and found a couple of messages exchanged from her and [i]unamed guy[/i], and one where he left his number and told her to text him.

So, there are no texts from him or her going out in her message log. This obviously leads me to believe that she has been texting him - she admitted it to her friend - and deleting them.

I am a nervous wreck right now, and don't know what to do next. If something is going on between her and [i]unamed guy[/i], I don't know if she is just talking to him, or if it is more serious. I realize it could be harmless, just friends talking..but the circumstances don't add up for it to mean that it is harmless..She doesn't really have time to go and physically cheat, because she always has our daughter with her. I know that isn't a reason to believe she wouldn't, but still a good reason why I think she wouldn't. I suspect that if something is going on between them, it has just started. I think I may have caught it early enough to do something about it before I lose my marriage, but I don't know.

As far as I know, I don't think she knows I've gone through her phone. I'm afraid to ask her friend about it, because I'm afraid she will go back and tell my wife I'm snooping. I don't know if I should sit back and wait, or what I should do.

Any advice would be appreciated Very Much.

renko 08-15-2011 07:50 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Hi, I think you should confront your wife and say you have noticed things that have changed recently and that you love her and that you want things to work out in your marriage. I would suggest a marriage counselor or a pastor to talk to you both. You both need to communicate with one another and not be afraid to confront this situation. If this is the early stages of an emotional affairs, yes this sounds like it is one, then you need to see if she still loves you and your marriage is something to fight for. You have a daughter to think about and you must stand up to this challenge. You don't have to say you looked at her phone or you can and then say that you are very concerned and want to take actions to get your marriage on track. I hope she makes the right choice and gets help with you. Things like this in a marriage of trust and respect must be nipped in the bud since marriage is a commitment between two people and communication is essential to keep it alive and well. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron? It is a marriage that was falling apart and the man fought to get it back. Fight for your wife and daughter and show her how much you love her. Just my advice.

twobyfour 08-15-2011 08:17 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
I am afraid that if I bring it up it could cause problems. Not knowing if it is harmless or not, I feel like I shouldn't do it. But then again the part of me that knows better wants to.

I feel like I should tread very lightly.

I love my wife, and my baby, and I don't want anything to get in between us. I want my baby to have the opportunity to have both of her parents for the rest of our lives. I don't want her to have to deal with all the things associated from failed marriages, step siblings and parents, etc. I lived that life growing up and I wouldn't wish it on my child at all.

My wife is a very Godly woman. She has alot of beliefs that may seem extreme to other people, but I kind of like that because she isn't a crazy party girl. I just never thought I would be in the position I am now, questioning her. I have enough stress in my life as it is, and I don't need this. I wish there was a good way to resolve it and everything come out right.

rosequartz 08-15-2011 08:59 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
you don't need to bring up looking thru the phone, but you should bring up that you've noticed her attitude has changed lately, etc.....
there is no reason to tread lightly.....if you're afraid to talk to your wife about a problem, what's the point of being married?

twobyfour 08-15-2011 09:11 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
And what if I continue to get lied to? Now that I have seen hard evidence, it will be hard for me not to counter argue with the fact that I do have hard evidence if she lies when the question is posed.

Judging by the blow offs I have gotten in the past week, (the makeup, just texting her friend), I feel like I will continue to get that.

renko 08-15-2011 09:19 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
I see on this forum that another man found his wife cheating 3 times and confronted her and she confessed. Your wife may lie or not lie but you can't bury your head in the sand. This other man has two children who will suffer from their mother's choices and indiscretions. This is my advice and take it or leave it but a woman who still loves her husband will think about the consequences and will try counseling and see if you both can communicate better. The days, months and years that go by without confronting this situation will only cause bad feelings on your part, no trust and your marriage will go downhill. I suggest nipping it in the bud and if she is a Godly woman then she knows this emotional affair is wrong and you will help her prevent a physical affair in the future. You can only suggest she seeks counseling with you but it is her choice. I'm sorry for your child. I had three sons and was divorced and let things slide and didn't communicate. It is not worth it if there is still love between you two.

rosequartz 08-15-2011 09:44 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
[QUOTE=twobyfour;4823146]And what if I continue to get lied to? Now that I have seen hard evidence, it will be hard for me not to counter argue with the fact that I do have hard evidence if she lies when the question is posed.

Judging by the blow offs I have gotten in the past week, (the makeup, just texting her friend), I feel like I will continue to get that.[/QUOTE]

i guess it's up to you whether you want to stay married to a woman who lies to you and possibly the very least emotionally cheats.....

Landaks 08-15-2011 09:58 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Hi, I maybe not an expert of this, my suggestion is just keep loving her. If this unnamed man has been treat your wife sweeter...then why don't you treat her nicer? care for her, not only saying to her that you love her, but also do some action about love. You can say to her that you feel that things has changed to her, but you will always love her and stand by her side. (to love is to let go) well, this is kinda risky, yes.. but this is the least that you can prove to win her back. sometimes by doing this can make someone realize how important you are in her life. Do more lovely, sweet, nice, care, support things for her to make her realize that you are more worth than that unnamed guy.

Well, at least that's what i'm doing. Have you ever heard of "Action speak louder than words. If you don't like it, then change it. If you can't change it, then change your attitude. Patient is virtue." Maybe you can be more loving than that unnamed guy, prove her wrong to choose that guy over you, and sometimes silent is Gold. In this case, when you have nothing to do, and you are afraid to talk about it (since the most person who knows your wife and in the situation is only you), well, the only thing you can do is prove to her. You can do it. Maybe you can cook her dinner, or bring her to romantic dinner, help her clean the house, etc.. try to memorize beautiful things between both of you, make her laugh

however, If she is still angry or try for argue, then there is something wrong, and that's the time you ask her directly, about you are wondering to know what really happened between both of you (since you've been act nice as usual, or more romantic, etc).. better not bring up the phone stuffs, till you can prove that she is cheating on you.

Tell her that you will always stand by her side, so there is nothing she has to be afraid to tell you about. Both of you are husband and wife, you should have an open communication thou.

Otherwise i don't know what to do, coz well those things works on me and my several friends and families. hope it works for you too. :) Wish u Goodluck!

JumperOK 08-15-2011 11:09 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
I don't think your wife is physically cheating on you based on what you've said, but I do think there is a bit of an emotional affair going on. Your wife has found a man who, she feels, is treating her the way she would like to be treated. This guy may be throwing all sorts of compliments at her. Compliments that she may or may not get from you, i.e. "You look beautiful today" or "I really like how you look with makeup on", etc. My advice is to do the same.

Instead of asking your wife why she's wearing makeup, tell her how much more beautiful she looks with makeup or how her wearing makeup really turns you on, etc. My wife hardly wears makeup except for foundation but when she does, I take notice and I instantly tell her how much I love how she looks with it on and what it does to me.

Since you noticed her texting more often, try sending her little texts throughout the day. For instance, send her a "I love you!" text. If you have a smartphone, there are "romantic" apps out there that give you special texts to send. Nothing pornographic but they can be adult oriented. But there are romance texts you can send.

What are you two doing to work on those weak areas of your relationship? When was the last time you guys had "date night"? Spent the weekend alone? For that matter, when was the last time you brought home flowers to your wife? Believe it or not, in my experience, it's the little things that women seem to notice. And one thing I was taught years ago...sweat the little things and the big things will take care of themself.

renko 08-15-2011 11:14 AM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
I must say, you are a wise man and your wife is fortunate to have you as her husband. I agree 100% about all your advise. This way she may fall in love with her husband and things will be revived in their relationship. It takes two to tango and romance and compliments that are genuine got straight to most women's heart. Thank you for sharing your insights.

twobyfour 08-15-2011 12:24 PM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Well, the thing is, I compliment her constantly. I am so attracted to her it isn't even funny. I tell her all the time how good looking she is and that she looks nice with things she wears. That's the one reason why I don't see how [i]unamed guy[/i] would be doing this any better. I am seriously lost on this. If there is something she is getting from him, it isn't compliments. it has to be something else. Not necessarily physical, but something else.

we have had some trouble in our relationship on the intercourse side, since the baby was born. She has a problem with her area and it is related to birth. She has been to the doctor several times, and they still have not been able to make it better, or like it used to be.

I constantly try to make her get in the mood and just do whatever I can to make her feel comfortable, but she never wants to have intercourse or when she does it is painful..etc. I understand all of that, but my stance is that if she valued the relationship she would at least take measures to get it seen about and take steps to remedy the situation; not get offensive when I try to offer help as to what to do.

Last night we were in the middle of a huge argument about it (like I stated in the original post, we have been arguing pretty heavy for about a week), and I asked her again if she had made an appt to go back. She said she had. I asked her if she was lying..point blank, and she said no. One time before she admitted that she had lied just to make me stop asking.

She tells me that she feels like I'm trying to push her into having intercourse, and that it is a complete turn off for me to ask her about it or hint at it. I am totally lost on this, because she NEVER comes on to me anymore (this has been since the baby was born really), and the little bit of action I do get is basically just that, hinting at her that I would like to do something, and it usually never happens. For her to cut me off and tell me that is offensive makes me upset. She is my wife, I feel like if I want to be attracted to her, I should be able to and she should be happy about the fact that I am. Not the other way around. Especially coinsidering most women have very low self esteem after going through the childbirth process.

Well, I did some digging today and am not happy with what I have found. I called the doctor's office to ask them some health insurance questions, and while I had them on the phone, I asked about her appt.

There is no appt.

renko 08-15-2011 12:36 PM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Well, there are two sides to every story and I'm sorry that you are going through this but I think maybe you could both go to the doctor to see if there is a physical problem that is wrong with her and then find a good marital counselor that can talk to each of you together and individually. Something has caused her to not want sex. You've been married for 3 years and your daughter is 2 years old. It is not like she is a newborn and she has postpartum blues. It sounds like she is feeling like she has more freedom since your daughter is older and she is getting something from this person that you are missing. Communication is so important and agruing with I feel instead of putting a person on the defense is good to know too. I hope she agrees to work on your marriage and you take steps to see someone yourself if she refuses. Does she work? Do you go to a church where someone can talk to you both? I wish you the very best.

Larrylou'smom 08-15-2011 12:42 PM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
I think if you really want to try to save this marriage, then you need to start really listening to her. She says you argue all the time, that's all you two ever do anymore. You say that's not true, but then in your last post you say you've been arguing heavily for about a week. And I'm willing to guess that before that, there was another argument. So the thing to do, I think, would be to stop arguing. Just stop doing it. Even if it goes against everything you are and think and feel. No matter what she says, she's right. Just try it for a little while, at least three or four days, and see how it works and what happens. And give her some time to come around regarding the physical aspect of your relationship. She's made it clear she hates it when you pressure her or ask her for intimacy, so don't. Yes, at some point, it will be reasonable to expect her to understand that it's a problem for the marriage and she needs to at least go to the doctor to see if there's anything wrong that can be fixed. But again, she needs more time. She needs for it to be her decision. She wants you to stop bugging her about it, so stop. Tell her you're going to let her set the pace and you're going to respect her space and then let her come to you. Again, patience is key here. This may take longer. I understand it's already been, what, a year? But give it another month or two of letting her know you love her and will wait for her to decide when she's ready to deal with the issue. If two or three months go by and she has done nothing, then that is another matter. I get the sense, though, that you are already at this stage, as she lied about the dr. appointment. But I say still give it a try, give her another couple of months. Surely your marriage is worth that. Try some tlc, patience and no arguing and just see what happens.

twobyfour 08-15-2011 12:43 PM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
Yes she works as well.

JumperOK 08-15-2011 12:45 PM

Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it
If there is a downside to having kids, this is probably it. For many women, once they have kids they tend to go into this "mommy" mode and forget what it was that brought them to that point: sex. Having a child can and most times does, change a womens libido and psyche to the point sex is the last thing on their minds. So this isn't something new to you. It's something just about every guy, myself included, has dealt with.

How do you go about trying to get your wife in the mood? Are you giving her the ole "hey baby...hows about you and me go bump uglies" or are you literally asking her out right if she'll have sex with you? I'm asking for a reason.

If your approach is a more direct approach where you're essentially begging her, quit. It will only make things worse. Trust me. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I went thru the exact same thing with my first wife. Ironically, the only thing I found to get her in the mood was to write an explicit sex story, sometimes complete with pictures. I'm fairly certain it was the story that got her in the mood but at that point I didn't care. Fast forward to now. With my second wife, I take a more subtle approach. I've learned little things get her in the mood. A soft kiss on the neck; a long, loving hug or kiss; my hand on her thigh when were driving somewhere; sitting on the couch and "cuddling" (I know..."cuddling" is the bain of mans existence but...) rubbing her back and her butt. It's the little things. Fortunately, I don't have to do that all the time because her libido is much, much, much, much higher than my ex-wifes but I still try to seduce her throughout the day some times. Don't get me wrong. There are times when all I have to do drop-trou and we're off like a racehore at the track. Still, it's the excitement and anticipation of knowing what may be coming later that night that gets her (and ultimately, me) in the mood. I'll send her little explicit texts at lunch (she can't text during work except for lunch and breaks) complete with adult themed cartoons or smileys we've found.

I guess amongst all this drivel I've typed is this. Seducing your wife isn't just a "hey, lets go knock boots" type of thing. Your wife isn't a "booty call". Your wife is your wife. Think back to the days you two were dating and try to recall what it was that got both of you in the mood and try to recreate that. Leave her little suggestive notes or texts. Give her a seductive kiss. Plant that seed of desire in her head early in the morning and water it all day.

Aside from that, schedule a night each week for sex. This way you know when you're getting some and she knows when she has to give it up. Less personable, but it seems to work for some couples.

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