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Trying to rebuild trust

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Old 08-25-2011, 04:34 PM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Sydney
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AusJess HB User
Trying to rebuild trust

The trust issues I have are mainly from my last relationship, where my ex had cheated on my while I took a few days to visit my dying grandmother in my home country. My mother was also divorced a number of times, which has coupled my mistrust with abandonment issues. While I am aware of how this affects me, I don't seem to have control over it. Now I am married, and while I have no fear or insecurity that my wonderful-perfect-for-me husband will stray, I do find myself really nosy when I shouldn't be. I can't stop myself from wondering who he is texting while we are hanging out or the need to know exactly what he is doing and who he is with if we are doing our own thing.
Another fight we had was because I found naughty pictures of him and his ex, and the ex before that. Although I wasn't thrilled, I didn't get upset except for the fact that the ex before the ex...well...he denied having any sort of relationship with her in any capacity. I was so hurt that he would lie, needlessly. So we had a talk about it, and he admitted the "relationship" was really one drunken mistake that he was really ashamed of and he wished it had never happened. Ok...but then I remembered something else about the pictures. It was in a folder with a holiday destination as the name. And then there was another folder...with other dates, approximately 6 months after the first "drunken mistake." Ok, so there was a relationship about his past he doesn't want to admit, but the not knowing kills me. Lastly, the second folder is dated after the pictures of his other ex begin...which means there was a slight overlap. About 2 months worth. Ok, I know other than this, he has been a serial monogamist. And again, he has given me NO indication that he would ever cheat on me, and that's not even my fear. My anger is simply the mistrust that it ignites in me. He said he never cheated on anyone, and I know what I saw isn't conclusive evidence of "cheating" maybe there was make up and break up going on, but since it came up I was hoping for full honesty. And what's worse, we can't delete them! They are on an external hard drive and need to be deleted from a PC instead of a mac...ok, not the heart of the problem, but it kills me that they are still there. He's not trying to save them, I'm sure if he could delete them he would have. Gotta love how technology complicates relationships these days eh?
On top of which, my 'smart' side says, "this was before you even met him, what difference does it make? I know about the exes and their general story, and I know they broke his why can't I stop dwelling and just look toward building a happy future with the man I adore who adores me just the same?"
Has anyone experienced something like this? Friends say to just "let go. what's in the past is the past." But if anyone can elaborate on how this is actually achieved, that would be great. I tell myself every morning that I am going to let go....but my brain still remembers and my heart is still stubborn.

Last edited by AusJess; 08-25-2011 at 04:39 PM.

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Old 08-26-2011, 10:37 AM   #2
Join Date: Jun 2011
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Re: Trying to rebuild trust

Wow, I can really hear how torn you are in the words you wrote. Just a bit of info I'd like to share. My current wife divorced her ex due to cheating and then I came into the picture. She used to tell me that she could always "tell" if something wasn't right. She thought I was doing all sorts of things and honestly, I wasn't! It seems that since she was cheated on, she's on such high alert that it goes wacky on her. I can't really get through but right now, things are fine and time is helping matters as well. We've been together almost 7 years now and married almost 4.

Please don't let your instincts drive you crazy and potentially ruin a good thing. Our relationship almost ended over what amounted to NOTHING in the first year! Don't let that happen to you. Get counseling or whatever it takes but don't go crazy on your man. And I don't mean put your head in the sand if you "really" sense something is wrong but don't go nuts over everything out there either. Good Luck!

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