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DanMan83 08-28-2011 11:24 AM

Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. But am confused by my lack of desire to have sex with her now. I love hanging out with her, joking around with her, watching shows, talking, holding her, and falling asleep with her in my arms. She's a really awesome person. But for some reason, I don't find myself sexually into it anymore. I've been feeling like this for several months now, hoping that it was just a normal relationship phase I was going through. But in fact, I've been falling more and more out of a want to have sex with her. There will be times where I try...but can't...or I'll lose my erection...and I'll just apologize to a very confused girlfriend.

Now I'm starting to fear that maybe our relationship has run its course. I say fear, because I love being with her...and not having her in my life anymore would leave me feeling pretty damn lonely. This makes me feel even more crappy...because I start wondering, "Am I only with her so I can have a companion...and so I wont feel lonely?"

There's sometimes where I think...ok, I have to break up with her. As heartbreaking as it will be, it's the right thing to do. But then I start freaking out and think, "Stop taking this for granted, just love her. You're so lucky to have what you have. There's so many people out there who wish they had what I have with another person." And there's times where I'm just happy being with her...holding her, and connecting with her. Despite the fact that the sexual desire for her is pretty much gone.

I'm in my mid-twenties, she's in her early twenties...and I'm fairly sexually inexperienced. In fact, she's the only girl I have ever made love to. And that's the other thing. It took me a few months at the beginning of our relationship to build my sexual confidence up to the point where I could keep my erection to make love. Since she was my first, I was so scared of being bad in bed...that I found it hard to keep an erection, because I was thinking about it too much. But she was extremely patient with me (she had been with other people)...until I finally conquered my fear of sex.

But now I'm so confused about how I'm feeling. I find myself being extremely attracted to every woman I talk to, except for my own girlfriend. And it makes me feel like absolute $hit.

The thing is, she's a really cool girl, and we really get each other's personality so well. A bonus is that her family is close by...and I really get a long with her parents, which I think is important.

Part of me thinks I would feel relieved if I could just end it for a while...explore my own person, experience other people...grow some more, build up my sexual confidence in myself...and then see how we both felt after that. Spending the rest of your life with someone is such a serious commitment.

But then that fear starts creeping in. Will I regret this? Will I find someone else who excepts me so completely? Will I find someone who is patient with me as I continue to build my sexual confidence?

There's so many unknowns...and I wish I was mature and wise enough to know what to do right now. But I don't. And I think it's starting to affect my relationship negatively.

Any advice or insights would be so appreciated.

Thank you.


sunnyrise 08-28-2011 11:32 AM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
I suggest that you tell your girlfriend everything that you posted here and be upfront. Maybe you should buy some books on lovemaking and how to make it more interesting.

Did your girlfriend change in any way that made her less attractive to you?

DanMan83 08-28-2011 02:35 PM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
Physicality she has not changed. But then again, if I truly loved her...I don't think any physical changes should matter too much. (Unless that's the thoughts of a naive, young lover.)

Although, she did have a bit of a belly that I would think about while making love (I find fat on women to be a turn on)...but then she got tired of her stomach, and started really working out, and eating healthy, and lost it...and I've had to adjust to that. So maybe that could be it? But if that's the case, then that means I don't truly love her...right?

We have talked a few times. The first time I started questioning the relationship was about a year ago. And that was because I wanted to date other people. At the same time, she wanted to move in together. When I told her I wasn't ready to move in...she wanted to break up with me. Then, something interesting happened. I realized how lonely and sad I would be without her and how much I did love her (don't know how much you care about someone until they're not there) and broke down and started crying. I think she was taken aback by how beaten up I was, and decided to stay with me...because no one had ever cared for her as much...her words.

But, we also agreed to keep living independently, for the time being.

I few months later I realized how hurt I was that she almost broke up with me...and discovered that I hadn't been able to fully trust her since, knowing that she was capable of leaving me. (Did I mention I'm pretty naive about relationships...)

So I brought it up, and the fact that I don't think I was mature enough to be in a relationship anymore, and that I needed some time to explore, and develop myself. (I didn't mention wanting to date other women).

Then she started crying, got angry...and then somehow talked me in to staying in the relationship, and how breaking up was too drastic and would be a bad idea. So we stayed together.

Then we had a similar conversation a couple months after that, initiated by me. And again, she started crying...and reminded me that it didn't make sense to break up.

And now here we are. Haha, I feel like we broke up three times, and it really sucked each time.

Further, I've noticed that I've been being a little more stand offish now...and she's been clinging to me even tighter as a result.

Anyway, so now I'm stuck left feeling confused and weak by it all.

But I could NEVER ever tell her that I want to date other women. I think that would be far too painful to tell her that. Furthermore, I feel like an immature, jerk for feeling that way.

DanMan83 08-28-2011 03:24 PM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
Also, I have this fear that if I end the relationship...then I'll realize how much I really loved her. Why can't I just realize that now.

If you ask me, what do you really want now, I'd say, "To be single and to date other people."

But my fear is that every woman I meet, I'll start comparing them to my current girlfriend, which isn't fair for ANYONE!

I just wish I wasn't so scared. So scared of hurting people, so scared of being lonely, so scared of not finding anyone ever again, so scared of making the wrong decision. So scared of not being able to make love to another person because of anxiety issues.

I just want to be a man. I really good, great man.

Larrylou'smom 08-28-2011 08:08 PM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
Well, it seems you're pretty sure your inability to have sex with has nothing to do with any physical ailment on your part, or any serious change on her part. You simply feel like you haven't slept around enough yet and want to do that before committing. Of course you know it's not fair to stay with her just because you're afraid to lose her forever, no matter how much she cries and begs you to stay. And it's not fair to hang onto her and then not have sex with her. As Greg Behrendt says in his book He's Just Not That Into You, sex is one of the greatest pleasures of being human. The last person in the world who should be stopping you from having that pleasure and experience is the guy who's supposed to love you. If you're so preoccupied with having sex with other women that you can't enjoy making love to your girlfriend, then maybe that's what you need to do. But you need to understand that losing her forever will possibly be the price you must pay. You may find someone else you love just as much, or even more, than your girlfriend, chances are you will. Men seem to have a much easier time finding a suitable mate than women do, it's just the law of averages that men have working in their favor. But you don't have the right to go sleep around with other women and expect her to be waiting there for you when you're done, and even possibly bring a sexually transmitted disease back to her. With men, love is largely a matter of timing. It seems the timing is just not right for you to make a life-long commitment. You obviously don't want to. And you're being selfish and unfair to her to hang onto her just because you don't want her to find someone else or because you don't want to lose her. if you can't be glad you have her and enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with her, then the only fair, good thing for you to do is let her go, and then go do what you feel you need to do, and accept whatever risk or consequence comes with that. You say you want to be a good man. Well, I think if a good man can't love her, appreciate her, and really want to be with her, and enjoy being with her, then a good man would let her go and stop wasting her time. You're not doing her any favors by hanging onto her while secretly wishing you could be sleeping with other women so desperately that you can't even have a proper intimate relationship with her.

cryingforever 08-29-2011 03:25 PM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
My opinion .....the relationship sounds more like a habit. Used to being with eachother. Sounds like you care about her but want to live abit. You sound young and want to explore more of life, people and you should not feel bad for that. I think you should however have another SERIOUS talk and not let crying (from her) keep you and maybe have a break away even if its just for a week or a few weeks or months just to have time on your own to think about your life and gives her time to think about hers and see what happens. What will be will be.

DanMan83 09-07-2011 11:07 AM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
Thank you all very much for your replies. I have found them extremely helpful.

It is true. I just have to be honest, and whatever will be, will be.

corissa3 09-07-2011 01:31 PM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
What I am about to ask it meant with all due respect and is in no way an attack on you or your character.

Is it possible you are attracted to men as opposed to women? I only ask because a very close friend who was in a similar situation finally opened up and as it turns out, he is in love with a transexual. So much so that in 2 months we are celebrating their 10th year together. Love is blind in some cases....back to you.

If you have a hard time (pardon the pun) getting, keeping or maintaining an erection with this girly you may need to speak with someone that can help you along.

Also, please don't discard what I am about to tell you..... GET YOUR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS CHECKED !!!!!!!!!!!

BeLieve me when I say this because I, like you, had NO INTEREST IN SEX FOR A LITTLE OVER A YEAR.... My test levels were that of a 80 year old. I took and take steroid injections weekly and there are days I look at farm animals (yucky but true) and teddy bears (even yuckier) as objects of my desire... thats what a huge difference it has made in my life. I am happier and the boys down south will thank you.


trystme 09-08-2011 06:55 AM

Re: Love being with Girlfriend, but not sex.
Well, I think that you should end it for good.

There is a book entitled "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." It is about just what you are going ambivelent relationship. It will help you decide what to do.

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