HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/866415-so-much-pressure-me-finding-girlfriend.html)

Brkenhrt 08-28-2011 08:53 PM

I have 3 sisters (all older) and all married. Also 6 cousins on my moms side of the family and all have a SO either married and have kids or at least in a relationship. 3 are younger than me! Thats so embarassing. The thing is i have never once brought any of my gfs home to meet my family, not even my parents. The past few years everyone including my cousins, aunts and uncles have been confused why this is. All i know is, this is why i hate going to these family gatherings cause im always there solo and feel like such an outcast.

Ill be honest and im embarassed to say this but ive only had 2 gfs in my whole life (im 30) and both were just too young at the times for me to wanna take to my family.

Within the past year ive had people asking me about it.

Uncle: "how come you havent found a gf yet. Whats taking so long?"

Cousin: "how about bringing a girl into your life?"

Sister: "do you just prefer to be single"?

Even my mom has chatted with me about it in the past few months. She said she wants nothing more than to see me find someone and get married. I know she isnt pressuring me but she does wantto see me happy.

All i know is, i feel like such an outsider at these ext familu gatherings and i feel so awkward cause none of my family have ever met any of my gfs.

amyd 08-28-2011 10:42 PM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
Why haven't you ever brought one of your girlfriends home to "meet the family"???

Brkenhrt 08-29-2011 06:21 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=amygdala;4831836]Why haven't you ever brought one of your girlfriends home to "meet the family"???[/QUOTE]

The girls were too young and just felt that they werent up to par personality wise. BOth were models and were for the most part just beautiful on the outside but bit too amaterish inside. Mind you my sisters are all in their late 30s and early 40s so i dont want to be bringing home a kid.

Larrylou'smom 08-29-2011 09:40 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
Well, if you're living your life the way you want and are happy, then you're just going to have to learn to turn a deaf ear to what your family says. It seems you don't really want a serious girlfriend, or you wouldn't be dating inappropriate women. You're still just having fun with silly but beautiful women who are not long term partner material. Why not just tell your family that? That you're just enjoying being young, playing the field, having fun with beautiful women, nothing serious. Not everyone is cut out for marriage, kids and family and all that. Maybe you're not. Tell them that straight up and ask them to please respect the way you've chosen to live your life.

JohnR41 08-29-2011 10:19 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
I agree with Larrylou'sMom. I think you should just live your life the way you want to and stop worrying about what your family wants. In a way, it's nice that they worry about you, but, at the same time, it strikes me as a little rude for them to pressure you.
One way to put an end to it is to tell them that you've decided to stay single. Then, at some later time, if you meet someone you're serious about, you can tell your family that you've changed your mind.

I'm not taking their side but they may have a point in worrying: After age 30, the field of eligible women narrows fast.

janetJ 08-29-2011 11:00 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
Question them right back. Ask them, with the US divorce rate about 50%, why are they pressuring you to settle down so quickly instead of taking your time to make sure it's right?

ninamarc 08-29-2011 11:43 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
I don't think you have to be pushy since you are 30 and not 40. Men can marry any time since you don't worry about having kids/biological clock like women.
Do you believe in marriage? I got some family member who just lives with his steady girlfriend. Certainly his Mom wants him to marry but he thinks a wedding is like a show in the zoo!! As long as you are happy, it does not have to be conventional...

On the other hand, if you have some relationship issue and the girls are always so young, then you may want to figure out what kind of girl is good for you.

Take care,
Nina

Larrylou'smom 08-29-2011 12:09 PM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
They could also be concerned about your emotional development. A good number of men, by the time they hit 30, they are not necessarily looking for marriage, but they start dating women that are more their mental and emotional equals. A woman they can be best friends with, and have a real relationship with, rather than just a "fun" superficial relationship that is all about sex and no emotional intimacy. Perhaps your family is just concerned that you're still in that "frat boy" kind of mentality, and only want sex with hot girls that are too silly to talk to and you are too embarrassed by to even have your family meet them. Or if they don't even know that you date these girls, maybe they're concerned you might be gay. But again, it's about how YOU feel about it. Are you happy and fulfilled in the type of life you've chosen? Do you feel you WANT something more than hot but stupid, immature girls to just have casual sex with? Or is that really where you want to be now? Is the pressure all coming from your family, or maybe some of it you are putting on yourself? Only you can say. Think about it some. If you truly are happy the way things are, then that's the most important thing. If you really aren't, and you feel in your gut that maybe your family has a point, then that's something else.

Brkenhrt 08-29-2011 01:35 PM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
But the thing is i dont want to be single anymore and want to be in a serious relationship. Right now im past the "having fub" stage but it just seems i cant meet any nice women for me which is really depressing

[QUOTE=JohnR41;4832092]I agree with Larrylou'sMom. I think you should just live your life the way you want to and stop worrying about what your family wants. In a way, it's nice that they worry about you, but, at the same time, it strikes me as a little rude for them to pressure you.
One way to put an end to it is to tell them that you've decided to stay single. Then, at some later time, if you meet someone you're serious about, you can tell your family that you've changed your mind.

I'm not taking their side but they may have a point in worrying: After age 30, the field of eligible women narrows fast.[/QUOTE]

Larrylou'smom 08-29-2011 09:27 PM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
I think first of all, you have to be in the right frame of mind to meet someone special. You have to be happy with who and what and where you are, and ready to share all that you are with someone, and you have to know what you want, and be realistic about what you want. Are you there yet?

Brkenhrt 08-30-2011 06:27 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4832525]I think first of all, you have to be in the right frame of mind to meet someone special. You have to be happy with who and what and where you are, and ready to share all that you are with someone, and you have to know what you want, and be realistic about what you want. Are you there yet?[/QUOTE]

Not completely there but just about. Im just growing impatient of always being single. I even ask myself at times if i even deserve to find someone in my life. Who knows maybe i did something real bad when i was young and this is the consequence.

rosequartz 08-30-2011 07:15 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=Brkenhrt;4832711]Not completely there but just about. Im just growing impatient of always being single. I even ask myself at times if i even deserve to find someone in my life. Who knows maybe i did something real bad when i was young and this is the consequence.[/QUOTE]

nah I doubt that.....that sounds like you're making excuses and not taking responsibility for your situation........
what is it about a relationship that you want so bad?
what do you bring to the table?
what do you have to offer a partner?
these are questions to ask yourself......

Larrylou'smom 08-30-2011 07:31 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=Brkenhrt;4832711]Not completely there but just about. Im just growing impatient of always being single. I even ask myself at times if i even deserve to find someone in my life. Who knows maybe i did something real bad when i was young and this is the consequence.[/QUOTE]

No, I don't think that's how it works. I knew a guy once who was a real piece of crap. A liar, manipulator, selfish, pushy, cheated on every single woman he ever dated, messed women around big time, and now he's happily married with five kids. I think it happens 1) if it's in God's plan for you, and 2) when you're ready for it to happen. I mean, let's be honest, happily ever after just doesn't happen for everyone. The world is full of perfectly lovely, nice, well adjusted, fine people in their 30s and 40s who never married or never had a real, long lasting solid relationship for one reason and one reason alone - they just never found the right person. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, despite one's best efforts. But you have to try at least. It seems right now you're going for the wrong women. Silly young hotties you can't talk to or can't bring home to mom and dad are not going to cut it and you know that, right? So I think step one, is for you to stop dating that kind of woman. Find someoen closer to your own age, educated, more on your mental, educational and emotional level. Go where these women hang out, chat some up, find one you like and ask her out.

JohnR41 08-31-2011 10:01 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=Brkenhrt;4832711]Who knows maybe i did something real bad when i was young and this is the consequence.[/QUOTE]

Speaking of things that happen when one is young: Many times it may not be the person who did something bad but the fact of witnessing their parents go through a messy divorce. Perhaps, subconsciously, the children put a mental barrier in place? And that barrier might take the form of being too choosy or too critical of one's self. Or, how about parents who just never got along very well and set a poor example of married life? Would this lead to indecision and procrastination?

Brkenhrt 08-31-2011 11:44 AM

Re: So much pressure on me finding a girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;4832748]nah I doubt that.....that sounds like you're making excuses and not taking responsibility for your situation........
what is it about a relationship that you want so bad?
what do you bring to the table?
what do you have to offer a partner?
these are questions to ask yourself......[/QUOTE]

I just want to be able to share my personality with someone and show them who i am. Enjoy life activites together and laughs and giggles. When someone gets to know me, they actually can and will see how much i have to offer and how much of a gentleman i am. Both my past gfs have said this, im such a geniune loving guy who knows how to treat a lady. Unfortunately, i cant do this when i cant even meet a single one, nice single women who has interest in me.

Like just now, literally 20mins ago, I was at walmart getting something. On my way out, see a super cute girl in one of the isles looking for something, that i would have loved to talk to. I circled another isle for a brief minute to get my thoughts together hoping to run into her. She saw me checking her out.:(

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4832762] It seems right now you're going for the wrong women. [/QUOTE]

I know im going for the wrong type and ive been trying to stop. Its just my hormones are out of control, when i see a girl who im insanely physcially attracted to i cant help but check her out and immediately think in my head "i would love to get her number."


[QUOTE]Find someoen closer to your own age, educated, more on your mental, educational and emotional level. Go where these women hang out, chat some up, find one you like and ask her out.[/QUOTE]

But how exactly? Im not in school anymore, im not in college anymore, my workplace is primarily full of corporate ego BS (pardon my language). I dont have any friends locally. I dont go out on nights and weekends. I dont drink, i dont smoke, i dont party, i dont go to bars or clubs. Heck I dont even drink coffee so i never go to coffee shops and I dont read books so i never go to the library. I pretty much work, go home, sleep, run errands on weekends and after work and stay home otherwise.

Ya not exactly the definition of an exciting life huh?


[QUOTE=JohnR41;4833606]Speaking of things that happen when one is young: Many times it may not be the person who did something bad but the fact of witnessing their parents go through a messy divorce. Perhaps, subconsciously, the children put a mental barrier in place? And that barrier might take the form of being too choosy or too critical of one's self. Or, how about parents who just never got along very well and set a poor example of married life? Would this lead to indecision and procrastination?[/QUOTE]

Nope, nothing like that has ever happened to infleunce me. All I know is, at the end of the day even talking about my lack of love life is very depressing to me and really makes me sad and buries me deeper in the pit. I know I have to talk about it to others (and thats why i posted on here) if I want to make changes and adjustments. But i always try my best to keep this off my mind the best i could 24/7, no matter where i am or what day it is because it really just makes me just about cry - even typing this now Im putting on an intentional laugh for the moment to hold back the sadness.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:54 AM.