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beccablob 09-19-2011 02:03 AM

Absolutely sick and tired of it
Anybody out there ever get the feeling they are being used, being taken advantage of, being treated with complacency, being treated with disrespect? I feel that I am being treated in these fashions by my partner and I am so fed up of it.

After I ran from my abusive husband with my daughter, my dog and my cat and NOTHING else, I vowed to myself that I would never ever get into a serious relationship again. Yet here I am, with a partner who has never physically abused me, but enjoys needling me, telling me how I used to be, telling me that my daughter is useless, (despite her having a wonderful career and supporting herself without any help from me...unlike him, he who has bludged off me ever since my father died). He tells me what to do, he piles sarcasm on me, he ridicules my illness, (FM), he belittles me and has told me flat out that he does not believe what I have told him about the abuses my ex put myself and my girl through and has said that he can't wait to meet my ex, so that he can ask him if what I have told is true. After all that, he complains that I don't put out enough. Any wonder? I can barely stand to look a him, never mind being intimate. YUK!

Here is an example. This afternoon, I received in the mail, notification from a magazine that I had won a home theatre system. Imagine that! I never win anything! I was absolutely bowled over with surprise and excitement. I then made the mistake of telling him. He burst my bubble, no problem. All he said was, "Great. Now we'll have two tv's that won't work with the tbox. If you had done what I said, you probably would've won something long before now. You and your daughter are the same. You never want to do anything. She's just as bad as you".

I turned on my heel and walked out without comment, into the back garden. I thought I would do a bit of weeding to cool off, before having to spend the night cooped up with him. As I was looking at my flowers, I noticed a plant that we are not allowed to grow, hiding in amongst the foliage. He knows how against illicit substances I am, I told him that from the outset, so he just goes ahead anyway. I would have thought that at fifty, a person would be mature....obviously not, in his case.

I am feeling so resentful towards him right now and I know that the pain will flare up as a result of this. I think I want to end it, but how does one do that, without causing even more drama????

Any advice will be gladly appreciated. Oh, yeah. To make matters worse, all our friends think the sun shines out of his bum. So over it.

trystme 09-19-2011 07:59 AM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
You can't do it without drama. Just tell him to get out and give him a date. Of course he'll try to start drama but you have to stick to it and don't let him talk you out of it.

rosequartz 09-19-2011 08:46 AM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
please read the book co-dependent no helped me

Kszan 09-19-2011 09:12 AM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
I wouldn't be putting up with this, I'd kick him out on his ear and tell him that if he ever contacts me again, I'm calling the police. Why are you with this guy? He sounds like the biggest loser!

beccablob 09-21-2011 06:50 PM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
Thank you so much for your replies. I am amazed daily, by the compassionate and caring replies that members post to each other. I just wish the rest of the world could learn to do the same!I apologise for not getting in touch sooner...I am in a fair bit of pain and the past few days have less than satisfactory!

I will look up the book you mentioned. I guess Fishpond will have it. I was a co-dependent for many years in marriage and despite me vowing to never get in a situation like that again, it seems I need to stop and smell the daisies....'cos they ain't daisies, but stinking roger in disguise!

Well, when we met, he courted me the old fashioned way, you know, flowers, chocolates, little love notes hidden around the house after he left, all that sort of stuff. I warned him that I considered myself, 'damaged goods' and that I had a tonne of baggage and a massive problem trusting males, but he stuck around and helped me get back on my feet. Also, when I met him, I was just beginning to suffer the physical and psychological symptoms of having been a prisoner for thirteen years and he was with me all through the frightening stage where I was being tested for MS, (my mum died of ovarian cancer and ms at the age of thirty two), and he worked tirelessly to provide my daughter and myself a roof over our heads when I was told I had to stop work. Even when my alcohol consumption went through the roof for a few years, he stuck with me through it.

Things started going badly between us when my step mum died. She and I were extremely close and losing her killed something inside me. He could not or would not support me and when my dad became ill with throat cancer and I had to travel between the UK and Australia regularly to help dad my partner became downright nasty, accusing me of cheating on him, of being a daddy's girl, of preparing to leave him, of not loving him...all sorts of things, none of which were true. On the night my dad died, when I told him that dad had gone, instead of giving me a hug, he snarled at me, "Well, I guess your going to eff off back home now, eh? Off you go..eff off!"

Since then, he has refused to work, expects me to pay his bills and all the other things I mentioned previously. I think that he believes that now I have money from dad's estate, I should pay him back for when he supported me financially. The thing is, even when I wasn't working, all of my government disability pension went on food, utility bills, medical bills, school fees, vehicle taxes, etc. All he ever paid was the rent. I paid all the rest.

So now, here we are. Dad is dead. I am the beneficiary to his estate. I have bought us a house, so we don't have to struggle with rent anymore..yet my partner seems to think that I owe him my life. I don't know what happened. He used to be so loving, caring and helpful and now he is just a lazy bum, who spends most of his time in bed, or glued to the tv, stoned to his eyeballs, watching porn. What happened to the man I love?

Belly Kelly 09-21-2011 07:00 PM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
Your title says that you are sick of it. You have been going through this for years with two different partners.

My advice. You allow people to treat you a certain way. So, stop allowing men to treat you like crap. You seem very aware that you know how to take the bull by the horns since you left your first husband. I don't know how old you are, but let's just say you are "too old" to live like this any longer. Life is just too darn short to be unhappy.

Don't let this man break you down while you are still strong. Put your foot down and warn him this has got to stop or your marriage will be over. Would the two of you considering counseling? Better yet, are you even interested in saving this marriage?

Best of luck!

beccablob 09-21-2011 07:17 PM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
At forty two, I am definitely too old for this nonsense! I appreciate your 'straight talking', attitude and can see the sense in what you have posted. I attend counselling regularly as part of my pain management plan for FM but as yet, have had no success in persuading my partner to attend.

He feels that seeking psychiatric help is an admission of weakness and often tells me to go to the hardware store and buy a tube of, 'toughen up'. To compound his dislike of psychs and counsellors, his mother, for years has suffered dreadful depression which recently saw her admitted to hospital for electric shock treatment. In my opinion, his brothers, sister and father treated mum very badly - gave her absolutely no support, belittled her, make jokes about her behind her back and told her to, 'just get over it. Stop being a hypochondriac'.

So, no. I don't think counselling will work. From the replies to this post, I think to a degree, I am going to have to take his advice...toughen up and tell him to get knotted. You are right. We only have one life and twenty odd years of mine has been wasted so far on men. I know that I can look after myself and I enjoy the time that I have on my own whenever I return to the UK, so maybe instead of whining about my predicament, I need to quit the crap and get on with standing up to him and issue him an ultimatum. Either pull your head in and start behaving like a human being or pack your bags and find someone else to put with you, eh?

Looks easy on paper, (screen),.....not so easy in real life. I wish I was one of those people who breeze through life thinking only of themselves...they seem to be so much happier.

CadenceA 09-21-2011 09:36 PM

Re: Absolutely sick and tired of it
You say he's not abusive, but he is. Abuse isn't limited to punching and breaking bones. He's emotionally and verbally abusive. You've traded one abuser for another.

I wouldn't waste time with an ultimatum either. He won't "change" when he thinks you're wrong and he's right! Only people who truly believe they need to can "change". He might pretend to for a week or two just to humor you so he can keep sponging off of you, but it won't last because he knows if you let him stay you are accepting of his abuse.

Why put yourself through months or years more of this? Why can't he leave now? And please don't say "but I love him!!!!" He isn't lovable, no matter what "really great qualities" he might have. He's abusive and a sponge. Nothing "really great" about that! And how he was years ago doesn't matter today. He's not going to go back to being that great guy when he doesn't have to any more. Give him the heave ho and get your life back.

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