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To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

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Old 09-22-2011, 05:53 PM   #1
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thepromise HB User
Post To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

I don't have anyone else to turn to that will give me a neutral answer and advice, so I'm here... on a message board.

My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. He lives around 5 hours away from me. We've been together since December 2010. He is a wonderful man that I love dearly. When we are together it's unbelievable, I'm so happy and I don't see myself with anyone else. We've talked about me moving, where he lives, and I've agreed. I have family there, even born there, so I will always have someone around I know to turn to when in need.

During the entire relationship, but more-so in the last 3 months, he has a tendency of bringing up my past relationship, how I have "experience" in the bedroom (he was a virgin before being with me) and getting depressed about himself not having the same "experience" and pasts. He asks for details about my past, how many partners, how many times with each, everywhere we did it, how we did it, he wants to know everything! He says so he can be "perfect" for me. I have no issues with telling him, but the last time I did he freaked out calling me names and being plain rude about the entire situation. I told him after that I will never tell him anything ever again. I shouldn't have told him anything in the first place, I knew it was going to start something, but I did it anyway. He gets very angry with me about things I've done in the past that I haven't with him.

I used to have lots of friends, more men than women, but they were friends. If one of them would talk to me, via texting or ********, he would get really upset and pretty much tell me not talk to them anymore. He says he feels threatened and uneasy. He's also said that I'm much too flirty and too chatty to men. So if someone messages me on ******** I log off or try to keep the conversation short and to the point with minimal smileys. I then have to tell him who I talked to and what the chat was about. I just told him a friend messaged me from ******** asking about a job for his girlfriend at my workplace. He then told me, "X is texting me about her cats and random stuff". Minutes after I told him about my friend messaging me on ********! He does this all the time and it's really annoying and rude. He doesn't even want me looking at message boards about relationship issues because it puts things in my head. I might think poorly of him.

I guess it should be known that 4 months in our relationship, I talked to an old love interest for a couple hours on the phone. I didn't tell my boyfriend right away but when he found out he flipped! By the way, he found out by looking at my cell phone's website, it has calls and texts listed. He broke up with me and told me he hated me. We're obviously back together, however, I banned that friend from ********, AIM, ***** and E-mails. I changed my cell phone number completely and deleted all contact with that friend. If I speak to him again, the relationship with be over and I will never hear from my boyfriend again. I still to this day hear about how I screwed him over and threw every part of his trust in me out the window. I didn't cheat on him, I had a chat with an old friend. I understand that he didn't like it but I don't understand why the banning and making me change my number.

He's so stuck in the past that I'm just sick and tired of the arguing. We do it every day and I can't stand it any longer! I don't think it's going to change me moving there, he says everything will change, he won't be so worried and his trust in me will grow. A few weeks ago his friend told him we should do a Pro and Con's paper. What don't we like and what we do like about our GF/BF. I did it right away and shared it with him. He said he would do one over the weekend when he had time, during the week he works. The weekend gone and past, few weeks gone, about a month gone now. I asked about it twice and the third time, after a few arguments over me asking and being "pushy", he did it. Took him a whole day to tell me my Pro/Con's, because he was scared how I would react to it. He didn't want me to ruin our day by bitching at him for something he said on the paper. After telling me he got on webcam and showed me the date he said he wrote the paper. It was last month! Do I entirely believe that he did it on that date, no not really. Why would he show me the date if he really did it on that day. Any normal person would hide that, but he says he really did it on that day and I should be happy that he even did it at all. :\

I'm unsure what to do. We argue over small things because he thinks I'm upset about everything. He's blamed me not getting my Depo shot for 2 months, my hormones we're out of whack or something. I'm wrong about everything 90% of the time he says. I don't want to break up but I think that's what needs to be done. He will have his experience and past that he wants so dearly and I won't have to deal.

What do you think? Should I move and see how it goes like he wants... or should I stay where I am and leave the relationship?

Thanks for reading my wall of texts and any advice you think I deserve.

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Old 09-23-2011, 05:52 AM   #2
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

He's insecure, an emotional cripple and immaturity is just the little maraschino cherry on that cupcake. You're not any of those things, and for that, he will never forgive you.

Are you thinking you can heal him? Teach him? He would have to respect you first before he would ever change, and he. does. not. respect you...the's practically made you afraid to say you might know something he doesn't or experienced something he hasn't, because of that little thing how he makes the things you've done and the things you know, Crimes.

First it's exciting to meet someone different, then everything that's different becomes sins you have to atone for. You're comfortable connecting to people, he's an emotional cripple. Solution, make her feel uncomfortable communicating to other people. You're experienced in intimacy, he's not, here's your scarlet letter "A"...and he will never, ever, ever let you take it off. Moving up there, cutting off all your friends, changing your personality, doing everything he wants is not going to improve things, his problems aren't things he wants to work out, they're like tools in a toolbox that will fall apart with rust before he ever stops using them, and he's using them to change YOU not him.

Close your eyes and ask yourself, which of the two of you is more grounded, comfortable with themselves, and happy in their own skin? If the answer is you, my next question is, is a relationship worth considering, if your opposite half makes you feel unsure of yourself, looking over your shoulder, self doubting, insecure about your partner, and puts your emotions in turmoil, when they're not stifled altogether? He is turning You into Him.

When I worked in hospitals I encountered a woman with a severe humpback deformity, but she was not born with it. She married very young to a man who was very uncomfortable with the fact she was four inches taller than he was, so she began walking bent over to look shorter, and began starving herself in a mistaken idea to shrink herself. The lack of calcium and trying to walk like a shorter person crippled her spine for a little man's shortcomings.

If he wanted to make a life with you he would make you feel more secure about a decision like this, not less, he would wrap you in a cloak of love and acceptance...he would know that he can't predict tomorrow, but he would be with the person he loves and he would be determined to be more of a man than he is to make it work, because he has to make it work. He's not thinking that way. He's giving you doubt, distrust, incrimination, and if YOU just change, he'll be think? If you stop doing this thing that makes him uncomfortable, it will be better. It isn't better. Stop talking to your friends, and I'll stop being angry. He's still angry. Teach me how to make love like you, and I won't make you out to be the "fallen woman" because I'll be more secure. Nothing will make this man secure except bringing you down to his level, and if he were ever to actually accomplish that, he would no longer find you loveable. The wisest thing a woman ever told me was that I had to love myself before I could love another. He's not there, and you can't help him get there, you can't look in the mirror for him because he won't look himself.

I don't like to burn bridges, I don't think you need to cut this guy off. But if you're grounded and he isn't, you're happy with yourself and he isn't, it makes sense that the healthy (sane) person does the driving, you don't give the car keys to a blind man to make him feel better about himself. He needs to be followng your lead, not you following his, and his insecurity doesn't need to be empowered. I would challenge him with how the way things are and see if he rises to the occaison, and if he doesn't, then I would call every man in that address book and start spending time with the first one that sparks memories of what men are supposed to be like.

Take what helps, flush the rest ;^)

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Old 09-23-2011, 06:10 AM   #3
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

WOW , I could NOT have answered this question better myself ! Well said.

Last edited by mod85; 10-08-2011 at 01:15 AM.

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Old 09-23-2011, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

This is the advice I'd give you - Try to imagine what your life would be like with this man 5 years from now. If it's something that looks good, then go for it. If not, then cut bait and move on. Personally, I think you're lucky you live 5 hours from him because when the time comes to "move on", he won't be right there knocking on your door everyday. I honestly think he's way too controlling for my taste and I really think you'll find it'll get worse not better with time. Anyway, go with your heart/head and you can't go wrong. BTW, you never said what the results of your pro/con worksheet were. To stay or go?

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Old 09-23-2011, 01:42 PM   #5
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

he's a control freak.....I wouldn't move to the next block for this guy......

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Old 09-23-2011, 03:17 PM   #6
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

I second everything AntonEmpath said. He's right on the money. This guy will make you miserable. You've already bent yourself into enough of a pretzel to please this man, and has it helped at all? No. I think you know in your gut you will be miserable with this man. But it's not up to us to tell you not to move for him, or to move in with him. Your life is your own, and it's up to you alone. You need to decide for yourself how you want your life to look, how you want to feel when you come home from a long day at work, what you want waiting for you, how you want to be loved and supported and cared for, and you need to decide for yourself what will help get you there, and what will not. It's pretty plain, I think, to all of us that moving in with this man would be a huge mistake. But do you need to make that mistake to learn how to be stronger and smarter about picking a partner?

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Old 09-23-2011, 06:11 PM   #7
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

Originally Posted by Whoopee View Post
BTW, you never said what the results of your pro/con worksheet were. To stay or go?

I didn't really do the Pro/Con's to see if I was going to stay or go. I did it about him and the situations around that time and what have been bothering me. I held back alot, I must say. Which now thinking back I shouldn't have, I should have laid everything out on the floor and let it be known.

I knew what was going to be said to me while I was writing my post. I've left alot of my post. That night when the arguing started, I thought about how much more I could have wrote.

Thank you, each and every one of you for the advice you've given me. You have helped set me in the direction that I should have been going for a while now. I just have to figure out the best way of ending it... which there won't be. He's going to think it's a joke, I'm just mad or starting something. I'm in the wrong either way, but in the end I know it's best for the both of us. He will have his experience, his "past" and I will have my freedom.

Last edited by thepromise; 09-23-2011 at 06:38 PM.

Old 09-23-2011, 07:05 PM   #8
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

Good choice.

Things wouldn't get better if you moved in with him, they'd get WORSE. He would soon enough forbid you to see your friends (they'll all be bums, stupid, or stupid bums) and probably your family too (because they might tell you he's an insecure, controlling loser and to dump him and he can't have that), he'd probably make you quit working or going to school (because he trusts YOU, but he doesn't trust other men and they all are probably going to hit on you constantly and he can't have that!). Soon, your life will be him and only him. And even then, he'll go through your phone and your email and your purse and the trash, trying to find evidence that you had the nerve to speak to another man. He'll take innocent things and make them evil, and then he'll blame YOU for it. He'll take away your internet access and your phone, maybe even your car. Soon, you'll be afraid to go anywhere or do anything because it's not worth the headache of having to defend yourself and to have to assure him over and over and over that you love only him. And he'll still look for "evidence". Perhaps he'd even start pushing you or hitting you.

You are right to run in the opposite direction and to NOT move in with him. Don't worry about how he'll take it because you already know he'll make you into the evil woman who broke his heart. Oh well. He'll get over it sooner or later. It's not your problem. And maybe someday in the future he'll learn that women are not property, but are human beings.

PS: That word that was edited out was slang for "promiscuous young woman". The word was changed to "bums" but that isn't really what I was trying to say. And I wasn't trying to use bad language, so sorry for that. I meant thata he would see all your friends as girls with loose morals who you shouldn't be friends with.

Last edited by CadenceA; 10-08-2011 at 08:24 AM.

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Old 10-07-2011, 08:05 PM   #9
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Re: To move or not to move.. Unsure about relationship.

no dont move i feel he is very controlling and insecure.. he dont trust you and he probable never will i think the past should never be brought into the present... your new bf should not be asking you about past bf and your sex life and you should not ask him.. every one has a past and that is where it belongs .... when you find someone new you need to start new dont ask about old gf or bf just live for the day live for tomorrow and learn to love each other

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