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  • Does his best friend want me??

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    Old 09-26-2011, 08:15 AM   #1
    SchH3Bxr
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    Does his best friend want me??

    Hey everyone.. I thought I'd use this forum on the health boards to post my situation and maybe get some outside opinions. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this in "real" life because it would almost certainly get back to my boyfriend and other people involved, and I don't need that to happen. I'm afraid it would cause a lot of problems. I would really appreciate any thoughts or opinions you all might have about what's going on here. It's hard for me to judge as I'm in the middle of it all!

    To the point.. I'm starting to think my boyfriend's best friend is into me. Maybe it's just all in my head.. but there's enough odd stuff going on to make me wonder.

    A little background: We have always gotten along extremely well.. this man and I. Throughout my life I have had many platonic friendships with men, so this is nothing unusual for me. And up until now, my boyfriend has never been jealous of this.. not openly anyway.. and he always says he's really happy that we get along as well as we do. I guess this wasn't the case with my boyfriend's last ex and it caused a lot of problems between my boyfriend and his best friend.

    Now throughout the past couple of years, I have occasionally gotten "looks" from this man. Ladies, you know what I mean.. those "I'm checking you out while you're not paying attention" looks. Or once in a great while he'd hold eye contact with me a little too long. I never thought much of it.. he is a bit of a womanizer, this man, and naturally flirty.. so I just took it all as being part of who he is.

    So fast forward a couple of years and here we are now. My boyfriend started a new job and is gone a lot more now. I've been coming home from work early in the day as usual. At first his friend still would stop by maybe once a week, knowing that my boyfriend was gone. We'd have our little chats over a cigarette and some coffee, and he'd go on his way and I'd continue with my day. But then he started coming by 3 or even 4 times a week. Again I didn't read a lot into this.. because we do get along really well and we always have something to talk about. We've grown closer as friends during all of this.. we talk about our pasts, our relationships, our goals for the future.. everything. And he has never tried to come on to me or made me feel uncomfortable.

    But now I'm noticing some changes in his behavior and I'm starting to worry that he wants more with me than this good friendship we have. He texts me multiple times each day. He tries to see me almost every day, whether my boyfriend is here or not. Sometimes he'll even stop by, leave for a bit, and then come back. He gives me little gifts now too, and I find that really strange. They aren't valuable or brand new gifts.. they're his personal possessions. A lot of random stuff. Once I told him I wanted to have my car detailed and he gave me his car detailing kit. Another time I told him I needed a better pocket knife and he gave me his. Stuff like that. But now I have a whole pile of his things, and whenever I try to refuse his "gifts" or give them back to him, he makes a big deal of it. He talks to me more than he talks to my boyfriend, his "best friend", now. My boyfriend is starting to show some jealousy and wonder why he's coming around me so much. I try to be very honest with my boyfriend and I do tell him every time this guy stops by. This man and his girlfriend (who I also really like and have a friendship with) are also having a lot of problems right now. He tells me that all she wants to do is argue and says she's very clingy, but she tells me that he's become distant and is always too busy for her. I find that odd, because he's always making time to come see me. I even found out that he ditched her the other day to go car shopping with me. I feel so bad about this and part of me wants to ask him why he's choosing my company over hers.. but then I think maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe he just really needs a friend right now, and with my boyfriend gone so much, he's just turning to me?

    What do you guys think? Should I be concerned? I enjoy the friendship I have with this man, and so far he has not made any move on me. He is an attractive man, but not the kind of man I would get involved with, I and would never do anything to hurt my boyfriend who I love very much. My boyfriend works a lot, but he does it for us and our life together. He wants to get married soon as do I, and we have a beautiful future ahead of us. But everyone is starting to talk and wonder about this other man and I, and I'm worried it's going to start causing problems for everyone involved. I did get up the nerve to ask this man what he thinks about our friendship, and his reply was simply, "I don't care what other people think, we're close."

    GUYS.. I would especially appreciate your comments. Would you act this way with a girl or woman you just wanted to be friends with? What if she was a very close friend, like a best friend?

     
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    Old 09-26-2011, 08:33 AM   #2
    slenderella
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    I'm a woman, and yes, I think the dynamic has changed and I am glad that you have picked up on it so well. Best wishes to you, your boyfriend is a lucky man. So many women would be so flattered that they'd jump all over this new "friendship".

    Sue

     
    Old 09-26-2011, 09:03 AM   #3
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    This has Lifetime Movie of the Week written all over it! I can see that you already know his many actions are inappropriate. I think it's time to tell him that this behavior cannot continue. Before something bad happens, you need to stop this.

    I'm surprised your bf hasn't been more vocal about it. He is the guy you should be worrying about, not is so-called "best friend" who is clearly trying to put the moves on his "best friend"'s girl!

     
    Old 09-26-2011, 10:25 AM   #4
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    The fact that this guy doesn't care what his girlfriend or your boyfriend thinks says a lot about where his head is at. He's spending more time with you than his girlfriend because he wants to. And you haven't set any boundaries or told him you don't want him treating you better than he treats his girlfriend. And by neglecting to do so, you have told him "I like the attention you give me. Keep doing it." He's playing it very smart. He hasn't outright hit on you because he suspects that would freak you out. But he treats you way better than the woman who's supposed to be paramount to him, and you've sent him the message that you're ok with that.

    If you truly aren't, then you need to start setting some boundaries. Put a limit on how often he comes over, and invite her. Make it clear to him that you'll expect him to bring her along on these visits to you. If you don't set some boundaries, you're being an accomplice and teaching him that his behavior is ok. And it is very inappropriate. Your boyfriend/fiance knows it, his girlfriend knows it. He may not care about how they feel, but if you really love your fiance and don't want to dump him to run off with this guy, you should care.

     
    Old 09-26-2011, 11:12 AM   #5
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    To answer your basic question: "Does his best friend want me?", I would say: "Apaprently yes. He is approaching you in search of more than pure friendship." This is doubly inappropriate: first he knows you have a bf, second he has a gf. There is a third reason: he is your bf's best friend, or used to be, because imo a best friend wouldn't do that.

    Since he is the kind of man you wouldn't like to get involved with (and I can see why) and you don't want to hurt your bf whom you love, you better avoid this "intrusive" man. Find some outside activity to do in the evenings or give some other lame excuse, so he will stop coming to see you with his "hidden agenda".

     
    Old 09-26-2011, 12:49 PM   #6
    SchH3Bxr
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    Oh wow.. thank you all for confirming my suspicions. I guess because we had gotten along so well for so long without me thinking something like this would end up happening, I figured it might just be all in my head. I was thinking this was all happening suddenly, but maybe I just never noticed until now. Like I said, I usually blew it all off. I'm not the type to worry until now, when things get a little stranger. He's always been a friendly guy toward everyone, and I just wouldn't think he'd want to hurt his best friend. But I guess sometimes the charming friendly people are the ones you have to watch out for.. I know sometimes it's all an act.

    And no, I am not attracted to this man in any way. I feel sad that our friendship might end up ruined over this, but I'm going to be changing up my routine for a while so he's not able to just drop by when my boyfriend isn't home. And if he persists, I'll tell him how I'm feeling and that maybe he should back off a bit. If he wants to be my friend, he'll just have to understand.

    Thank you to everyone who has replied so far.

     
    Old 09-26-2011, 01:01 PM   #7
    SchH3Bxr
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    I'm surprised your bf hasn't been more vocal about it. He is the guy you should be worrying about, not is so-called "best friend" who is clearly trying to put the moves on his "best friend"'s girl!
    I wonder why that is too. If all of this seems strange to those who've replied, it really must be strange to my boyfriend. We do have a good relationship though, and I know he trusts me. He's never questioned my intentions but I think now he's upset with what his friend is doing. I hate this situation.. it's really not fun to deal with.

     
    Old 09-29-2011, 08:28 AM   #8
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    The fact that this guy doesn't care what his girlfriend or your boyfriend thinks says a lot about where his head is at. He's spending more time with you than his girlfriend because he wants to. And you haven't set any boundaries or told him you don't want him treating you better than he treats his girlfriend. And by neglecting to do so, you have told him "I like the attention you give me. Keep doing it." He's playing it very smart. He hasn't outright hit on you because he suspects that would freak you out. But he treats you way better than the woman who's supposed to be paramount to him, and you've sent him the message that you're ok with that.

    If you truly aren't, then you need to start setting some boundaries. Put a limit on how often he comes over, and invite her. Make it clear to him that you'll expect him to bring her along on these visits to you. If you don't set some boundaries, you're being an accomplice and teaching him that his behavior is ok. And it is very inappropriate. Your boyfriend/fiance knows it, his girlfriend knows it. He may not care about how they feel, but if you really love your fiance and don't want to dump him to run off with this guy, you should care.
    I think this post says it perfectly. The guy is absolutely a pass at you, but doing it in a very underhanded manner. Not ok. Talk to your boyfriend about it.

     
    Old 09-29-2011, 02:41 PM   #9
    SchH3Bxr
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    Re: Does his best friend want me??

    So.. some updates. I'm starting to think this really is all in my head.

    I've been able to avoid being alone with this man by "being busy", but my boyfriend has still invited him over nightly. Things have been normal between us (this other man and I).. we chat and laugh.

    I did have a talk with my boyfriend about this and it went pretty well. I told him pretty much exactly what I wrote here in my first post. I said, "You've been acting a little jealous too. How do you feel about all of this?" At first he agreed that his friend's behavior has been a little odd, but now a few days later he seems to have mixed feelings about his friend's intentions. Apparently he (my boyfriend) had a conversation with his friend about me, and his friend reassured him that his relationship with me is strictly platonic. He told my boyfriend that we connect in many ways, but not in "that way". My boyfriend, who is not easily suckered into believing just anything, says he really wants to believe him.

    My boyfriend also says that as a friend, this guy can be pretty clingy. Going by his past history, my boyfriend says he will latch on to a new friend for a while, do lots of nice things for them and spend lots of time with them, only to move on a little while later. I guess he sort of "uses" people for companionship until he gets bored or meets a new friend. The boyfriend also pointed out that when this guy is into a woman, he's usually pretty mean to her, haha. I have seen this in the past.. he's the kind of guy who acts like a child with women and would rather pick on them or ignore them to get their attention than hang around them constantly and give them gifts and whatnot.

    So we really don't know what to think. My boyfriend says I should continue with the friendship as I please and see what happens.

     
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