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    Old 10-23-2011, 10:29 AM   #1
    Marie21
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    Unhappy Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    I recently got married and I feel like I’m ruing this relationship already. I don’t know what Is wrong with me. I just make men angry.

    I grew up in a pretty conservative and religious family and I wasn’t allowed to date when I was in high school or do a lot of things that the other kids were allowed to do. Because of it I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 19 and I didn’t have my first real relationship until I was 20.

    My first real boyfriend “Jack” turned out to be a real jerk. He was controlling and made me feel bad about myself. One month into the relationship he wanted to have sex. I wasn’t ready. I was still a virgin. He said that someone my age should be more experienced. He really made me feel inadequate and like there was something wrong with me. I foolishly kept dating him, and about a month later he got his wish. He got me to the point where I had had too much to drink, and we ended up having sex. After that all he said was “I can’t believe someone lost their virginity because of me.” A few days after that he broke up with me, and started seeing someone else. We worked together, so this was a hard situation, as he was my superior. I also heard through the grape vine that he was in such a good mood lately at work because he was finally getting “some” from his new girlfriend… and apparently for the two months that we dated he was always in a bad mood. I guess I have that effect.

    The next guy that I dated was named “Rick” he we dated for about the same duration of time; two months. Everything seemed to be going well until one day he stopped returning my calls. Shortly thereafter a mutual “friend” asked me if Rick and I were still dating, because she had seen him out with another girl. So, it turns out that he started seeing someone else, and didn’t bother to break up with me. To this day I’m not sure what I did to screw that one up.

    Anyway, as you can see my dating history is very short. I went on dates with a few other guys, but nothing that progressed past the first or second date.

    This brings us to my current relationship. We have only been married 3 months, and it sounds like he is already wanting a divorce. We dated for like 5 years and were engaged for 2 years before getting married, and we never lived together before marriage. Over the years we’ve had our ups and downs and arguments, but always managed to pull through. However, since we’ve been married I feel that we spend less time together than when we were dating. Right after we got married, he turned the spare bedroom of our house into his “man cave” and that is what he calls it. He has his TV, Recliner, and video game in there. He plays this video game with all of his friends and he wears a head set and they communicate over it while they play. Since we’ve been married I feel that he spends almost all of his spare time in there. He works an earlier shift than I do, and gets home about an hour and a half before I do. When I come home, he will be down stairs, but I feel that as soon as I walk in the door he runs up to the “man cave” and will spend the entire evening up there, except when he comes downstairs to get food… and this is every single night. I’ve been trying not to complain because I understand that he needs that to distress after work.

    Well on Friday we were supposed to have a movie night. We were going to go out to a movie, but we couldn’t agree on one. He absolutely refuses to see any “chick flick” that I might want to see, so we either have to find a movie that we both will like, or I’ll go with him to a “guy” movie that he wants to see. Well on Friday, I didn’t feel like sitting through a movie that I knew I wouldn’t like, so I suggested that we stay in, order a pizza, and watch a movie on Netflix. He can instantly get movies on his video game apparatus (sorry I’m not sure what it is called). So, while we were waiting for the pizza, he decided to go up into the man cave to play his game for a while, then he was going to hook it up downstairs on the big TV so we could watch a movie. When the pizza arrived, he came down to eat, but didn’t bring the video game station down to hook it up to the TV. I asked him why and he said that he would do it after he ate. He finished eating, and then basically told me that he was sorry, but he was going to play his video game for the rest of the night, and we could do our movie night tomorrow night instead.

    This really upset me. While he was playing his video game, I notice he left his phone out. I know this was stupid of me, but I’ve been so upset and feeling ignored lately that I went on and checked his emails and texts. Well, I found all kinds of pictures of naked women that his friends apparently email to each other, and they were opened and saved in his email. I was so annoyed. I felt like, okay he won’t spend time with me, but he’ll look at these pictures. So, I went up stairs and handed him his phone while he was playing (I had the pictures still up).. All I said was “nice” and started walking away. Then he started to say that he didn’t know what this was, and then he realized that he had his head set still on… so he was angry at me for bringing that to him while his head set was on. He then turned it off and denied that he looked at those pictures and said that he moved then into the saved category because he hadn’t looked at them yet, but the thing is I checked his sent messages too and many of those emails he had “sent” out to his friends as well. Anyway, later that night we talked about it, and I thought things were okay again.

    The next day he went to help his friend with an errand and was gone most of the morning and afternoon. I ran out and rented us some movies because I thought we were going to have our movie night. I got home and he said that 2 of his friends invited us out to a bon fire if we wanted to go. I said ok, and then he said he was going to go help his friend “Joe” work on his car and he’d be back in a few hours and we would go to the bon fire, then come back and watch our movie.

    Well 10 o’clock at night rolls around and he still wasn’t home. I tried to call him but he didn’t answer… so I sent him a text and he didn’t respond. I waited a half hour and tried to call him again, but no answer. Finally 10 minutes later I got a text from him that read “hi” and that was it. So I called him again and the phone rang and rang like he wasn’t going to answer. And then he finally answered and said that he was on his way home now. I was angry of course when he got home. He said that the bonfire had been cancelled and that everyone just went over to his friends garage and hung out. So, then I was mad that he didn’t call me up and invite me over.

    Anyway, he was pretty drunk and he spilled his food allover himself while we were talking, and kept dropping things and knocking things over. So, I was mad… and then he said that he had had enough of me and that he doesn’t need this. He said that he was two seconds away from leaving me, and that he would have no problem walking away. He said that last night when I brought him his phone, that he was so angry that if I was a man he would have punched me right in the face.

    He also went on to say that all the guys at work told him he was crazy to get married since we don’t have any kids and are currently undecided if we want any. He said the guys at work said that the only reason to get married is for the kids, and that since we don’t have any there is no point to marriage at all… and that he is starting to agree. Anyway, I ended up apologizing again for barging in on him while he was playing his game… he was so drunk that there was no point in having a rational conversation with him. He said he told them that you get married for companionship. They told him that "you can buy companionship." This hurts me so much

    So, I ended up putting the movie in that I rented and within in first 10 minutes he had fallen asleep… in fact it is noon and he is still sleeping, and I’m assuming he will sleep all day. I feel so sad and alone right now. I now know that he wants a divorce… but he was drunk… I don’t know if he really meant it. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this, but I feel so depressed….

    … I just don’t know what is wrong with me….

    Writing this out has helped me feel a little better. I know that it is long, but if anyone read through it and has some constructive advice for me I would appreciate it. I really have no that I feel I can talk to about this… and I know what I did was stupid by confronting him while he was on his game, but there is nothing I can do about it now… so please no rude comments about how dumb I am… I feel so alone right now.

    He has also be talking about getting cable hooked up in his man cave, and putting his bed from his parents house in there. If that happens i'll really never see him because he will obviously live in there...

    I dont know what to do.

    Thanks….

    Last edited by Marie21; 10-23-2011 at 10:52 AM. Reason: grammar

     
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    Old 10-23-2011, 12:21 PM   #2
    CadenceA
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    There's nothing wrong with you except the jerky men you choose to date and have relationships with.

    This couldn't have come on suddenly; he must have shown signs that he was way more into video gaming and his friends than he was into you, but maybe you thought he'd "change" because you two are married? Marriage doesn't "change" anyone. What were the "ups and downs" and arguements about during your 5 years of dating? Were they about how much time he was spending with friends and gaming? Or were they about other things?

    It sounds like you are married to a man who'd rather be single. If he chooses to divorce you, I'm afraid there's not much you can do about it. If you two do divorce, you might think about getting some counseling to find out why you date and stay with men who don't treat you with respect.

     
    Old 10-23-2011, 01:55 PM   #3
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    Cadence took the words right out of my mouth, so I'll just second her. The only thing wrong with you as far as I can see is that you have really horrible taste in men and for some reason you choose really lousy, loser guys who treat you like crap, and you loet them talk you out of your morals, your beliefs and what you know is right for you. I think you need to examine why you think so little of yourself that you don't think you deserve a good man from the start. You choose crappy men and then try to change them into good men, but that's just not how it works.

    Your husband never wanted to get married, it seems. He is a little boy. All his work friends are little boys who have no idea what marriage is all about. They are still wriging "No girls aloud" with a backwards S on the clubhouse door. I think you should beat your husband to the punch and divorce him. He's not really a husband. Now he wants to move a bed into his "man cave?" Staying married to this loser little boy would be the biggest mistake you could ever make. You need to set yourself free while you're still young and while you still have time. Get rid of this jerk, get your career on track, get a nice little place of your own, and check out a few therapists. Find one you like and work with him/her and try to get to the bottom of why you pick such losers to be with. The only person whose actions you can control is you. These men weren't/aren't losers because of who you are, it's because of who THEY are. Llife is not a fairy tale. A good-hearted woman's true love does NOT turn the beast into a prince. You cannot find an a''hole, loser of a man and fix him, change him, save him or love him into loving you. You have to find a good man who is good, attentive, respectful, devoted and loving right from the start. Get out, get on your own, get your head together, and then go and find a good man who will treat you right. Good luck.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-23-2011 at 01:58 PM.

     
    Old 10-23-2011, 05:02 PM   #4
    Marie21
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    Unhappy Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    I don’t know if I necessarily choose them or if the choose me. I literally went the first 18 years of my life with out a date --in part because my parents were so strict, but guys just didn’t ask me out. I was just very shy and quiet. This is the only type of guy that has ever shown an interest in me.

    I don’t think I need therapy to tell me why I have low self esteem. I already know the reasons, and I think my dad is a big part of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my father very much… but he is a very controlling person, and he used to have a bad temper (he has really mellowed out with age). My parents fought a lot when I was a kid-- however, as I got older I began to realize that it wasn’t so much that my parents were fighting, it was more that my dad was yelling at my mom. His food wasn’t warm enough or didn’t taste right. She didn’t load the dishwasher up to his standards, or she did "something on purpose" to make him mad. He would yell and yell and tell her how stupid that she is, and she never could say anything to win with him. This is really all I knew growing up. I secretly wished that my parents would get divorced, and when I was a kid I didn’t ever want to get married because the “dad was always yelling and ruining everything.

    I felt my dad overreacted a lot. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18 because my dad yelled at me so much when I was learning how to drive that I became extremely nervous behind the wheel. I just don’t learn that way, he would yell and tell me that I was stupid, but he wouldn’t tell me what I was doing wrong, and if I asked him he would just yell some more…

    He was just very irrational. Here is an example. One time I was taking something out of the oven, and I had on these big oversized oven mitts. The very corner of the mitt touched the hot part of the oven and it made a singeing sound, to which I said “Oh, that scared me.” His reply was, “You know what scares… that you didn’t know that was hot.” Well of course I knew that was hot… that was why I had on oven mitts… and I tried to explain that to him, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me that I was making excuses and walked away.

    My dad is also the type of guy to hide away in a “man cave.” He eats his supper in his bedroom in front of the TV. This is jus how it always was and still is. However, my husband isn’t as bad as my father. He doesn’t tell me that I’m stupid or get angry over stupid little things… but I still worry now that I have married a man that is similar to my father in some ways, and I knew that that was something I never wanted to happen.

    I just feel so alone. And, yes, my husbands not spending time with me was an issue for a long time, but then he got better, and I thought that after we were married that it would get even better yet since we would be in the same house. I however, was completely blindsided by the amount of time he spends playing video games. I had no idea -- I guess I was really stupid.

    I guess from a young age I always knew that I would have to be strong and go through life alone, but I had forgotten up until now. So, I just tell myself to be strong. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with hobbies and things that I like to do. I just wish that he would share in those things with me and get out of his man cave. And he is not all bad… I know that he loves me, and that he would never cheat on me, and that he would never abuse me…

    All that I know of men is that they are all very selfish creatures, and I find it hard to believe that there are ones out there that are not... It is all I know.

    Last edited by Marie21; 10-23-2011 at 05:44 PM.

     
    Old 10-23-2011, 05:29 PM   #5
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    Well, I think that's why therapy would help you. You need to start learning how to rise above your raising, so to speak. Unlearn all the crap you learned from your father as a girl. Of course not all men yell, and are abusive, or just want to hide out all the time in their "man cave." But not only do you not believe that, a part of you doesn't WANT to believe that. Because if you believe it, then life gets a whole lot harder. it means you have to get to work figuring out who they are, where they are, and why they aren't drawn to you, or why you aren't drawn to them. You have sought out at least two men that you have told us about, who are very much like your father. Perhaps not as abusive, but still with a great many similarities to your father. And then you try to turn yourself into a pretzel to earn their love. In a way, you are still trying to earn your father's love and approval. You are still trying to make the past turn out better than it did. That's actually not uncommon. Many women find themselves doing this. Lots of people in general find themselves doing this. In choosing a partner, they seek out someone who has the characteristics of someone or someones that they had unresolved issues with as a child. Earning that person's love would be like finally earning the love of the person(s) from the past they had issues with. Many times in love, we seek out someone who will help us return to the past and at the same time try to undo the past. But again, therapy can help you better recognize this pattern and give you the tools to break this pattern, and get over needing to finally earn your father's love and approval by seeking out men who are just like him. If you don't learn how to break it, you will keep repeating it for years and years.

    And please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not stupid. You are just struggling with some issues from the way you were raised, as we all do. You just need some help in sorting through them.

    And by the way, you say your husband would never abuse you. But I have to say, I would consider him telling you that if you were a man he'd punch you in the face, and that he's "inches from divorcing" you, yes, i would call that verbal and emotional abuse. Your goal really needs to be getting away from him. He will not change. And you will not be any happier living with him as he is. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I know it will feel like failure, like losing your father's love all over again. But in time you will see it was for the best.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-23-2011 at 05:32 PM.

     
    Old 10-23-2011, 06:48 PM   #6
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    I totally agree with the others. You need to figure out a way to stop attracting the loser types. Therapy would help your esteem but also help you cope with your past so that you can have a healthy future.

    As for your husband, what did you guys do for fun while you were dating?

    I feel your husband turned this situation around on you - which is abusive. Next thing he will be calling you crazy and saying that things are, "all in your head." The fact remains that he had porn on his phone and he LIED about it. This isn't your fault, but he is making it out to be.

    Honestly, I wouldn't kiss his behind. I would get mad and serious. He needs to either apologize about what he said or realize that you won't stand for that kind of verbal abuse again. What he said was VERY hurtful, but you don't seem to be too hurt over it.

    Can I ask if he tells you that he loves you? Is he romantic?
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    Old 10-24-2011, 12:26 AM   #7
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    Divorce this loser, he'll never change. Use your woman powers and take everything.

     
    Old 10-24-2011, 08:07 AM   #8
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    I think there are 2 issues here:

    First of all, the obvious issue is that you are attracted to angry men. You do not make them angry. Maybe your being conservative makes you feel that you have to serve men and you tend to find angry men as your role model for men probably is the one that is strict. Being strict is not as same as being angry. Some men have the issue of anger and you need to stay away from them before they hurt you physically. You are only defending yourself, you do not make them angry.

    Second, certainly there are some people who have temperament issue. Some older women get mad easily due to hormone issue. Some women are just meaner as feminist. I don't know you so I cannot say for sure if you have anger issue or whatever. Some people are really mean in terms of values and etc, then they are mean to the family as well. I don't think it is you. Your man is angry and did strange things to estrange you. Leave him. Find some better man who can share your life.

    It is not your fault.

    Take care,
    Nina

     
    Old 10-24-2011, 08:59 AM   #9
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    Please get some help and take an assertiveness training class or go to Al Anon and see that when others are verbally abusive and blame you for things it isn't your fault at all. He is not taking responsibility in being a good and loving husband to you. You need to respect yourself and stand strong. Don't let him bully you nor ignore you. Find girlfriends, counseling and get some backbone. I was shy and didn't date either and married a controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive man and even had children with him. Don't have children with this selfish and immature man. You will regret it. I love my children but finally divorced my husband because I couldn't stand being criticized and controlled all the time. Please get some support and help. Best wishes.

     
    Old 10-24-2011, 09:12 AM   #10
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    Re: Married 3 Months - Husband already talking divorce

    you know your self-esteem is low....you try to make everyone else happy while neglecting your own needs. i think you would benefit by reading the book "codependent no more". it helped me greatly. we have to meet our own needs not just everyone elses. if this guy divorced you, he'd be doing you a favor in my opinion. you deserve so much better, and you're settling, but you don't have to! And you ask yourself what did YOU do wrong when the guy left you and didnt bother to tell you....you did NOTHING wrong, but got involved with an inconsiderate jerk! first step....stop blaming yourself for other peoples actions, character flaws and behavior.....

     
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