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He cheated, now what

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Old 12-12-2011, 09:13 AM   #1
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He cheated, now what

My husband of 20 years just admitted to an online affair, complete with lots of sex talk.I do not know how far it would have gone, if the woman had not been caught by her bf. Her bf gave my husband 3 days to fess up. After 4 days this bf called me to talk about what he knows.Some of it he provided proof for.Which was devastating to read those emails.
I am beside myself, and lost.The bf had the impression my husband does love me, although he made comments such, I love my wife, but I am not in love with her.
We are not in a financial situation to separate, and we have 3 kids.My husband also had a similiar, (but not exactly) issue 9 years ago, we worked hard to get through. Now I feel like once a cheater, always a cheater.And liar.I don't know how to get through this again.Any hope?Any advice? Thanks

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Old 12-12-2011, 12:34 PM   #2
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Re: He cheated, now what

I think you need to ask your husband, calmly and without anger, if he meant it when he said he loves you but is not IN love with you. I don't know if he'll lie or tell the truth, but it seems this is the situation you are in. If you cannot separate, then you have to decide how you will co-habitate, and if you do get into the financial situation to separate, you need to decide if that's what you want to do. Is this good enough for your or not? What do you want and what are you willing to settle for? Only you can know. Think long and hard about it.

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Old 12-13-2011, 05:23 AM   #3
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Re: He cheated, now what

Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally and physically. You shouldn't settle, you deserve to have your husbands full attention. If he can't do that you should probably move on. Kids pick up on this stuff, and you need to model healthy relationships for them, or they will let people treat them poorly. I know it's much easier said than done. Surround yourself with supporters. You can be happy again.

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Old 12-13-2011, 07:14 AM   #4
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Re: He cheated, now what

I know in this day and age with technology everywhere this happens all the time.I have seen TV shows on it. I know I am not alone, but how does one forgive? I am afraid I can not forgive again.

Old 12-13-2011, 07:54 AM   #5
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Re: He cheated, now what

I wouldn't be able to forgive again either. That's why, if I was in your place, I would start making plans for how I was going to be able to leave. Whatever that involves, I would put all of my energy into whatever I needed to do so I could get out. He has now demonstrated a pattern that likely will not change and I don't think you should stick around for a 3rd time.

You're right, unfortunately this kind of thing happens far too often and people's marriages are breaking up left and right. I think it's a sign of the fact that people are becoming far more selfish and less caring of their families and it's a sad thing to see how far away we've come from the times when family actually meant something bigger and more important to people. I'm glad I don't have any kids to raise in this current climate because things just keep getting worse and worse in this world.

Old 12-13-2011, 04:40 PM   #6
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Re: He cheated, now what

Unfortunately... once a cheater, always a cheater, seems to be something that is quite true in this day and age. Mandolins is right -- you shouldn't settle. Not only do you deserve his full attention and love, your children deserve more than a father who would do something like that to his wife; it's not setting much of an example. Make plans for what you would have to do if you were to leave, and have a conversation with him. You really need to know what his thoughts are; does he think he deserves to be forgiven? Does he want to stay? I don't think he would have done this if he really wanted to stay.

Old 12-14-2011, 04:24 AM   #7
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Re: He cheated, now what

Some people really are humiliated by their deceit and they change their ways. However, he would have to initiate that himself. He also should have to be open about everything and expect you to take a look at the facts behind everything he does until you feel confident again. And, I think while going through that a separation is completely justified. He should move out, then do everything in his power to win back your trust. Until you feel you can trust him I suggest that you live apart.

It would be the hardest thing you ever did. but as one psychologist says, a marriage break up should not be taken lightly. Both should do everything possible to get past the problems, and earn their way back into or out of the marriage.

It doesn't seem like either of you are really through with the marriage. So, if you deal with the issues, now, you are less likely to repeat the same choices that led up to choosing someone like him. It doesn't mean you caused it. It means we are each apart of the dance that got us where we are.

Last edited by YaYagirl; 12-14-2011 at 04:26 AM.

Old 01-20-2012, 10:56 AM   #8
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Re: He cheated, now what

I am going through the same thing except that this is time number 3, I just caught it before it got to the point of inappropriate chatting. The first time was the exact situation as yours - the husband of the woman called me and faxed me copies of their instant message conversations from ********. The second time I stumbled across messages between him and a girl on a scrabble type came on his iphone. This time was the same thing - the app on his iphone.
Also like you we are not in any kind of financial shape to separate. We just refinanced our house and with the market the way it is we are upside down on it still. We have two car notes, two kids in daycare, two personal loans, etc etc etc. We are barely able to make ends meet now. I don't want to give up my house - I don't want the embarrassment and questions from people that would come with putting a for sale sign in my front yard, but I do want him out.
I am not sad anymore like I was the first two times, now I'm just angry.

Old 01-20-2012, 07:33 PM   #9
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Re: He cheated, now what

Hi first sorry to hear
What happened in the past is separate u worked through that
Currently you have some things tinwork through couples counseling
When he told u is he lookingnto end with u, get permission
More importantly where r u in the relationship is this a total surprise to you
Communicate and try to not say what you do not like or better focus on your likes and

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