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  • Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

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    Old 01-03-2012, 09:04 PM   #1
    Oompah
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    Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    For starters, I am 21, my mom is 43 and for the past 5 months she's gone all cougar and been seeing this 19 year old guy. She tells me how nice and sweet and caring he is, how he's romantic, blah blah blah. I know you would probably say it's her life so just let her do what she wants, but ever since she's been dating him it's as if I don't even exist!

    Before my mother and I would talk on the phone almost every day, we'd go shopping, have fun etc. etc. we were very close but now she hardly speaks to me! She got out of a 23 year marriage a little over a year ago and I am her only child.

    Whenever I call and ask her to do something she'll say "Oh, me and x have plans" or "Me and x are busy". This guy is a total loser too, he is only going to junior college part time, works part time, yet she let him move into her house and he barely helps out at all. He just sits around and plays videogames (which she buys) and watches movies (which she buys). She's totally become his sugar momma!

    When I try to tell her about how bad it is, she just makes excuses saying "Oh he's just had a hard life and I want to help him" and "We'll grow together and he'll learn to help more" etc.

    What really got me frustrated was for christmas he got 6 videogames (around $60 each) a 3DS ($170) and a new graphics card for his computer! She spoils him rotten. What did I get? A $50 gift card. Now I know it's wrong to expect a lot, but I feel so depressed that she puts her boy toy over her one and only daughter!

    Please help!

     
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    Old 01-03-2012, 11:13 PM   #2
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    I am guessing that this is the first time in her life that she has had the chance to indulge her 'inner adolescent'. I bet she feels younger and more alive than she has in years. She has put the rest of her life on the back burner, but I do feel she has something to get out of her system, and this affair is how she is doing it. Bottom line - there is nothing you can do. It will not last forever. Best luck, Sera.

     
    Old 01-04-2012, 07:34 AM   #3
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    I agree with Sera. She's 43 and you're 21, so she had you when she was 22 or so, probably married at 20, so it sounds like she never had the chance to be young, to experiment, to date wildly inappropriate men, etc. She's going through a phase. I know it hurts to feel so neglected, and as hard as it may be, try not to take it personally. She's got some hard knock life lessons to learn when this all tanks on her, and it will. She'll realize what a mistake she made by trying to return to the youth she never got to have, and will once again appreciate you. Just give her some space and time, if she gets into money trouble, don't lend her any, say sorry, you're all tapped out, bills and all, etc. don't enable her. When she has to clean up the mess she'll find herself in soon enough, it'll dawn on her. Good luck.

     
    Old 01-04-2012, 03:14 PM   #4
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    I see your points. But it just saddens me that she would care so much more about this boy than me. Even when he has said rude things to me and I told her she doesn't believe me because "He would never say something like that".

    After her divorce she was a total mess and I had to help her a lot with bills, getting her to work etc. and this is how she repays me??

    Oh, and due to financial issues it looks like I could have to move back home, I have talked to her but she said that if I do I can't have my old room back (because he has taken it) and I'd have to sleep on the fold out couch bed.

    I do see where you're coming from though, I know that she was beat down mentally by my dad and it destroyed her self-esteem.

    She has even changed the way she dresses and does her hair/make-up for him, wearing stuff I see girls my age wear. She's become a completely different person and I miss her.

     
    Old 01-05-2012, 08:03 AM   #5
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    This is a tough one. I see exactly where your hurt of rejection is coming from, plus the fact that your mom is heading down a dead end road. But as others have said, you can't change it and just have to "ride it out". Don't provide any money to her and try to avoid moving back there if at all possible. Explore all options. Get a second job or whatever. I know you love your mom, but you don't have to follow in any of her patterns to do so. Rather, take life lessons from her behavior and use them to avoid similar mistakes. You seem to have a very level head for your age so use it to benefit yourself and hopefully your mom if she ever wakes up. She and others can attribute her behavior to anything they choose but if she is going to have any kind of life, she will have to ditch all that stuff and take responsibility for her life just as anyone else does. I hope this helps and hope to hear more from you.

     
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    Old 01-06-2012, 01:15 PM   #6
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Thanks, any other thoughts?

     
    Old 01-06-2012, 01:20 PM   #7
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    bide your time and just be there for your mom to pick up the pieces when the young stud decides he wants someone closer to his age.....because it WILL happen.....

     
    Old 01-26-2012, 07:52 PM   #8
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Thank you for all your replies, bad things have gone from bad to worse.

    I ended up having to move back in with my mother and her "bf" and it's been hell! First off, they are not discreet at all about their PDA or sex. Her bf eats everything and all my mom does is talk about how wonderful he is. They play videogames and online games together (which she pays for) and I can't get a word in edge wise. I have to sleep on the couch and if they want to play/watch something my mother tells me to get off. They also drink together. I swear, it's as if my mother has become a teenager!!!

     
    Old 01-27-2012, 04:16 AM   #9
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    She is gone blind.

    I am sorry you had to move in back with her. Would it have been worse if you had gone to live with your father?

    If I were you, I would leave them alone (I know it hurts, but there is nothing you can do) and try to be outside the house as much as possible.

    Focus on your own life, friends, career, health, etc...

    Like the others said, it won't last. All I hope is that you won't have to call the police after he leaves.

    Last edited by pendulum; 01-27-2012 at 04:17 AM.

     
    Old 01-27-2012, 07:51 AM   #10
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Just think about what you do have and not what is so bad. It sounds like they aren't that bad...they aren't using drugs etc or beating you. My guess is soon enough your mother will come off the honeymoon stage and also young guy will get tired of it too. She'll start nagging him to go to work or school and all the fun will be over. Like others have said, just concentrate on yourself and do your own thing...she may even be rebelling against you so if you act like it's no big deal, it might not be so much fun anymore.
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    Old 01-27-2012, 02:14 PM   #11
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Thanks. My dad isn't a good dad so I don't want to be with him.

    What gets me is the way my mother treats me. She does everything for him yet when I need something she acts like I don't matter. A good example: I was low on gas and asked my mother for some gas money and she said it's my problem yet she pays for his and even helps him with his car payment!

    I even caught him looking at me while I was getting dressed and when I told my mom she just said "Stop making things up, he would never do something like that"

    She even told me that when she's at work to let him do what he wants even if I'm doing it. Such as if I'm watching TV and he wants to play a game I have to just give it up.

     
    Old 01-27-2012, 02:19 PM   #12
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    In some ways, doesn't it feel like she is treating him as her youngest son?

     
    Old 01-27-2012, 04:50 PM   #13
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    It's too bad you have to live there. Is there any way you could move in with a friend or another relative? Do you have a job? I think if you have nowhere else to move, find a job as fast as possible and start putting away as much money as you can so you can get your own place. You may not be able to afford an apartment but there are rooms for rent all over the place. Start small and save your money. If he is looking at you while you're changing then go in the bathroom and close/lock the door so he can't look at you. That's gross for him to look at you but maybe that means he is getting tired of her wrinkled behind and maybe he will get bored soon.

     
    Old 01-28-2012, 12:27 PM   #14
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Thanks everyone. I do work part time but it's not enough to get my own place. I don't have many friends and no relatives willing to take me in.

    To be fair, my mother does take good care of herself and many say she looks like she could be late twenties. So I don't think he'll leave her for wrinkles or whatever, especially since he's got it made here.

     
    Old 01-29-2012, 04:16 AM   #15
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    Re: Mother cares more about her new young bf than me!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Oompah View Post
    Thanks everyone. I do work part time but it's not enough to get my own place. I don't have many friends and no relatives willing to take me in.

    To be fair, my mother does take good care of herself and many say she looks like she could be late twenties. So I don't think he'll leave her for wrinkles or whatever, especially since he's got it made here.
    Anyway, I'm sure you are able to work towards (more) independence, right?

    I agree life isn't being sweet to you right now, but it helps to think it could be worse, like you were homeless.

    I know it is unfair, but take what life is giving you with humility and patience and without complaints and find a way to reach your goals in life.

     
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