HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   Son in law is a controller: Help needed (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/885356-son-law-controller-help-needed.html)

Larrylou'smom 01-17-2012 01:10 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
I'm really sorry it had to come to this, I know it must feel horrible. I say shame on your daughter for putting this immature, tacky man above her own flesh and blood, above the woman who raised her. But it seems this was boiling for long long time, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. It looks like your son in law was looking for a reason to kick you out of their lives for a while, now, all the easier for him to ride roughshod over his wife and kids. I suppose you could have let this go, and you could have continued to see your grandkids, but at what price? I imagine it was starting to take a toll on you, always having to hold your tongue, always having to swallow your pride, etc. I'm so sorry they chose to use their own children in this power play. The kids are the real losers here. I just hope one day your daughter comes around and sees how wrong she's been to let this guy walk all over her and her children, and her mom.

belle005059 01-17-2012 01:27 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:)
Thank you Larry Lous' Mum..

You're right on the Button..
That's exactly what I've been trying to get thu everyones head.. !!

I was a devoted Granma to those girls .. I wuld have done anything for them even tho my D & SIL never let me see them 4 5yrs..

when I broke up with my ex.. from his continuous cheating..

BUT again I NEVER did anything wrong, I was devoted to HIM!! for 35yrs for goodness sake.. all that goes with it.

I was a wonderful devoted mother to my two kids, as everyone tells me then to my G/kids... and I'm still paying for it....

Thank you so much L/Lou .. xx

belle005059 01-17-2012 02:19 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
;-) thank you for your thoughts .. much appreciated in this time..
Belle xx

belle005059 01-18-2012 04:49 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed-the Ad-On
 
:(

I'm going to tell you all the story behind my daughter and her father..

it's been bugging me as it wasn't the issue that started all this in the beginning..

but it has a lot to do with my Daughter & SIL.. and my EX husband..

When I'd left him due to his cheating, I went away to womens' refuge twice and my sister's out of town for a month..

one time when I came home,

he said
" Your'e home ! now I can put you back on the books!"

He was thinking of the money , I had worked for him for 12 yrs doing his books and did everything for him, he didn't want to lose his money to me! if he divorced me.. .. well he did in the end!!

That next night I thought I'd try and make an effort to rekindle his love if he had any for me ..

so I went into the bedroom , made myself up to look nice.. when I came out he was sitting in a chair behind the lounge door.. and here he was with a pair of my white knickers on , feeliing himself..

I was quietly shocked, but I said .." what are you doing?"

"Oh I like the feeling " he said..

( I rang my private investigator later and he told me " He's one sick puppy!! " That's not normal behaviour..)

So I tried to let it go at the time and concentrated on kissing him..

We ended up on the floor then went thru to the bedroom..

When I got into bed beside him.. I heard a funny noise beside me..
Turned out he had a Vibrator going, he had it up his back passage!! My god..
" Where did you learn that? " I asked.. ( He never learnt it from me) ..
Again .. " I like the feeling" he said..

( It Turned out he'd been going to swingers clubs here in my town while I was away.. where he knew quite a few of the ladies! )

As things went on he started cuddling me.. so I responded, thinking I had to make it work..

then he had me standing up, out of my wheelchair , then he began raping me up the back passage , !! .. & he started yelling at the top of his voice ..

" OHHH.. It's the best it's EVER been!! " !!

all the neighbours would've heard him ..

I'd been trying to say NO!! NO!! STOP !! but he wouldn't stop... I said to him later " Didn't you hear me say to stop!" but he said " No,.oh it was so good! "

I told my Pvt Inv.later and he said.." get away from him .. leave him.. he's no good for you!"

Such a lot more happened after that, too numerous to explain here..

We went to Relationship Councelling to fix our marriage .. he went to only 2 sessions and didn't want to go to anymore..

So I did and told her everything, then I cried and cried..

She said, " why didn't you tell me?" ..
I said " he wouldve' killed me when we got home.. he's got a gun, if I'd told you, with him here.."

After a long time of many things he did I left him for good,

but I couldn't tell my daughter what he did to me..

Subsequently her and my SIL wouldn't believe anything I said about him, .. But it was all true..
I had to get the police to him Twice.. it was so bad.. My daughter and ex tried to get me committed to Mental Health, but THEY worked out I was fine.. quite sane in the end..

Even more happened.. in the end it took yrs for my Daughter to bring the children to see me.. They loved me..

until my SIL swore at me and this all blew up again..

I was on a dating site,( suggested by my son in Aussie) and met some nice men, some not so good.. ,

but I trusted them, as that's the way I've always been .. learnt a few lessons along the way,

then one guy who has written some books said to me..
" Put it all behind you.. Forgive and forget "

So later on I tried to do so..
Met some more men and concentrated on beginning a new life..

And this is why my SIL & D. doesn't like what I did with my life..

He thinks I'm older and shouldn't have a man !!!
He disapproves of me for that.. cos his mother hasn't got a man.. she's 10yrs older than me..

but I'm a younger looking woman for my age, in a wheelchair and I thought I'd like to meet someone who'd care for me in my older years..
and that's what I've just done..

Met someone who cares about me as I do for him, does things to make me happy..

Now after what happened with my G/ Kids I've got nothing to live for here..

I'm going away to live somewhere else.. and live a happy life..
I deserve it I've decided..

..
Now you might understand just a little bit more about me perhaps.?..

It's been unbelievable, but that was the truth..

Long live Love and Life

Thanks for reading this.. with much love x Belle xx :wave:

Belly Kelly 01-18-2012 05:12 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
[QUOTE=belle005059;4912547]No it's too late now..

I would've said I was sorry I told the girls he frightened me like I said.. but I still can't see what's wrong with that for the life of me !!..

They're a lovely 9 & 7yrs .. .
[/QUOTE]


This IS a problem and gives us a much clearer picture. I would probably do the same thing if my MIL or mother ever said something negative to my children about me. You really had no right to involve the children in this. At 7 and 9 years old, they don't understand the whole situation and probably love their father and only see him as, "daddy."

If you truly want to salvage your relationship with your grandchildren, which I think would be something you would want to do, then I think an apology for involving the grandchildren should be granted. Good luck.

belle005059 01-18-2012 05:31 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
No BK I will not apologise to that smart arse SIL after what he's done to me over the years..

He's treated me with nothing but contempt, thinking he knows everything, but he doesn't, as I've just explained here.. ..

and my daughter has NEVER acted the way a daughter should.though it doesn't surprise me after all that her and her father did.. ( but lost)!!

It's sad I'm losing the kids, for sure..

but it's really against my morals to apologise to their father..

he's such an A-hole, and controlling, so they're losing out, as well as me..

Tell HIM that !! ..

Thanks for your comments BK... x

Kszan 01-18-2012 06:55 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
I'm not really sure what your relationship with your ex husband has to do with all of this because it seems like a separate issue and it's all very confusing to me where it all comes together. But I think the lesson here is that there will always be people we encounter throughout our lives who are really annoying, rude, inconsiderate, and sometimes truly evil. Unfortunately for some of us, those people somehow end up members of our families, whether through blood relation or marriage. But in any case, you can't let people like him or them rile you up to the point where you are willing to sacrifice something that you claim is important to you, namely those grand kids. It's not their fault that both of their parents are morons but you're punishing them just the same because you are chucking it all and moving away from them. At their ages of 7 and 9, they won't understand why all the sudden grandma went away and they will think it's their fault because that's what kids do. I feel really bad for those kids and I think that if you would have calmed yourself a bit before turning this into world war 3, you could have found a way to salvage that relationship with them.

I think there was probably a better way to do it but it seems like your mind is made up and those kids are the ones who are going to suffer for it even though they didn't do anything wrong. This all just makes me really sad because my grandma just had a stroke and has developed dementia so she doesn't know where she is half the time, but I would do anything to have her back to normal again because I really miss her.

Larrylou'smom 01-18-2012 08:00 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
Well, thank you for sharing your story with us, belle. Yes, it does seem that with everything you've gone through, you need to be around people you can trust, people who respect and care for you. Unfortunately this is not your daughter or son in law. In fact, I would say being around them would hinder your recovery from all your husband did. It's sad they decided to take the kids away, but if they and the kids are a package deal, you might be better off. You've been through so much, and your daughter has never been on your side. Why, I don't know. I'm sure she'd have her own story to tell, but her willingness to subject herself to a man's controlling and to be with a man who's so closed minded as to say "you're too old to have a man," well, that sort of says where her head is at. I'm sure this feels like your daughter betraying and abandoning you all over again like she did when she chose your ex over you, even though you didn't even really ask her to choose, just to not turn her back on you.

I suggest that when you get to your new residence, make an effort to also get to know the neighbors, do what you can to meet new people and make friends. As wonderful as your man may be, try not to make him the end all and be all of your world. But I wish you luck, peace and happiness in your new life.

belle005059 01-18-2012 02:17 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:) Thank you both, Kazan and Larry Lou's Mum for your comments..

You've got it exactly right L.L Mum..

I have had yrs of being controlled by both of them ( SIL & D) in a vindictive way...
but I put up with it( and shut up to keep the peace) these past few years, to see the children these past 3 yrs,

and I guess this was just the Icing on the cake I needed to make my decision I wasn't going to put up with it..

Unfortunately it turns out to have become the children who are going to suffer for it ( & him in a round about way) and I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT..

If you read, Kazan- I Said

" He's not letting me have Any more Contact with the girls at all.. right from the moment he swore at me .. Zilch.. no explainations .. FULLSTOP ...

I CAN'T see them due to their fathers CONTROLLING ATTITUDE ..

( I'm wondering if their mother,( My Daughter) is under his thumb or agreeing with him as well... I won't be seeing her either..

She's turned into a daughter I don't even know anymore. She loves her girls tho which I'm thankful for..

So there's nothing I can do..
until the future when or if the kids might seek me out...
but I'm not sure about that either.. Time will tell.

one thing I do know, I'm sick of taking the blame..

for my stepfather who interfered with me when I was 4 till I was 13 yrs old.. then after my ex.. now my SIL... too much..

Like I said , I'm moving on with someone who cares about me..
but the kids will always be in my heart..

I sent them something from me, my rings .. ( if he hasn't taken them off the kids) ..
So they will have a part of me to treasure..

Thank you L.Lous' Mum..
Your words were very special..
I appreciated

Thanks.. Belle :wave:...

Keysey 01-18-2012 02:36 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
Belle,
I'm sorry for all you've been through. One suggestion I have is that you write letters to the kids. Mail a copy and keep a copy. Tell them how much you love them and miss them, what you are doing, etc. It will be wonderful for them and healing for you to have some contact with them. I suggest keeping a copy of each just in case they don't receive them. One day you can give the letters to them yourself or via someone else so they will see how much you love them. Prayers for a blessed, peaceful life filled with love. I agree that you shouldn't let your partner become your entire world. Enjoy, experience, live.
Love, Lee

P.S.
Don't forget to include pictures of yourself. Grandparents have a very special place in our lives. xoxo

belle005059 01-18-2012 03:33 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
;) Thank you Kesey..

your words also mean a lot, and all the suggestions..

It's both the girls Birthdays in Feb and March,
so I thought I would send them both a card.. ( whether he likes it or not.. surely not ?!)

so popping in a Letter to say I love them & what I'm doing is a good idea..

and maybe a photo which my partner can take for me.. Good Idea!..

So maybe all is not lost, I say.. to all the doubters ..

I DO care more than you know.. but I just can't show it..at the moment..

Perhaps there's still a chance... Fingers crossed..xx Belle xx


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:50 PM.