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belle005059 01-13-2012 12:46 AM

Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:wave: Hi All

I'm pretty new to this board and need some much needed help
over something my S. In Law said before Xmas..

it's escalated to such that he's stopped his little girls coming to see me anymore,

and my Daughter is being controlled to his way of thinking as well.,

and I'm not to see the children anymore, according to him..

The whole thing blew up into a bigger thing than it needed to be
and HE knows he should apologise to ME,

but he's so pigheaded he thinks " he hasn't done anything wrong.". as my Daughter said,

but what he said was so shocking I was stunned,

I told her I'd have actually called the police if my partner hadn't been here at the time, pity I didn't!

how wuld he handled the police at his front door?

My partner said what would he have said if it was the police ringing to say his wife had been in a accident, or something.?

Lots of scenarios we thought of..

my friends can't believe what he said,
and they all say to me not to apologise in anyway..

HE should say he was sorry..

It's a longish story, but I'll get to the point as quick as I can..

This is what happened ...

I was going to give my daughter my son's oversea's address for xmas,
but forgot,

the next night I rang their house at 930pm .. waited for the person to answer, then all of a sudden I heard a scary voice whisper ...

... " I'm gona Fu..k u till you scream!! " then it hung up..

I was shocked !! , and felt scared.. my heart was pounding..

My heard was spinnng with all kind of thoughts..

To cut the story short, my daughter told me the next day it was her husband, my S.In Law..

They'd been having some hoax calls..etc..

When she came down that night she would not admit I deserved an apology,

she just kept saying he didn't think he'd done anything wrong.. etc..
We nearly had an argument over it.. that the way it was left..

The next day 8.am I was here as usual to look after their kids..
I love them to bits.. as they do me..

That day I thought hard and decided I was sick of being treated like rubbish by them,
it's happened before many times ( since my husband cheated, and we sended up splitting after 35ys marriage, ) ... after me being in hospital for spinal ops 3 times.. now in wheelchair..

so I decided to tell the girls what their father had done without the details, .. and said he wouldn't apologise in anyway..

They asked if they could help by getting him to apologise to me, but I said no , I'd let him realise his mistake..

Then we went out side..

That night I got a call from the older girl ,

crying her heart out. saying " I won't be allowed to come down to see you anymore, or to stay after school, etc "

I saved that message on my phone....

Then a few days later I reluctantly sent their xmas presents up to their house by taxi, ( as I'm in wheelchair, )

and my partner wasn't sure what their father would do ....

no one came to talk to me about the poor little girls..
it was so Cruel ..

So I went away for 3 weeks out of town..

I received a text today saying they were home from their hols.

and she would be down to pick up the girls clothes, belongings etc next week..

I already had everything packed up to send up by taxi but it was raining today.. so she will be down she said , on Sunday..

What would you do if that was your daughter.?? . and S in.Law... ??

please help with your suggestions..

Much appreciated..

Broken hearted Nana .. :(
Thank You ..

Seraph 01-13-2012 01:02 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
If this incident is isolated, then I think you overreacted. It was pretty stupid on his part - as you mentioned, it could have been anyone. If he didn't know it was you on the phone, then I don't think you can take it as such an insult. Having said that, I feel he ought to show a bit of apology, but your insisting on a full apology is a bit extreme. I think that telling your granddaughter about it to put pressure on him was very ill-judged. Children ought never be dragged into this stuff. I can see it making him angry enough to want them to stop seeing you. It has escalated to ridiculous lengths, but it is not just him who has been ramping it up.
Sera

belle005059 01-13-2012 01:59 AM

Thank you for your reply Sera,..

I was so shocked the way it happened.. anyone who experienced the same would've had my sympathy, it was so scary..

but I explained the story briefly so's not to make it too long..
although I could have explained the whole thing better..

To find out it was actually my S.In. Law was even worse..

You don't know what I've been thru with my Daughter & S.In law
in the past, theres a lot of history there, only my friends who went thru it with me know,..
so I can't expect you to understand my story..

Just believe, it hasn't been nice..!! Very hurtful !!

I'd like some Positive Opinions that might help give me some ideas to get thru the hurt, and perhaps avoid these things happening in the future?

I know my G/children will seek me out in the future when they're big enuff to make their own minds up..

and the've had enuff of their father controlling everything in their lives like he does now..

They even told me that day I was honest with them what he's like at home to them & their mother.. screaming at her..and when he gets REALLY MAD , he roars at them.. so I know what's happening..
but can't do anything till she admits it to me herself..

No, he didn't know it was me when he said such an awful thing,

but he still should've felt he had to apologise once he knew,
and I would have accepted no problem, right away,

but I haven't had that at all !!

Only the kids taken away from me which I don't deserve....!!

So I've hardened myself against this awful battering again in my life..

and will get by on my own with my friends love and support..


Any ones' positive opinion would be Gratefully received..

Sad Nana x

Seraph 01-13-2012 03:04 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
I am sorry if my reply was not as positive as it could have been. I was replying to this one incident that you described. We have this situation with our ex-daughter-in-law, who is always threatening to stop my son and us from seeing the children. The one thing I have learned over the years is never to involve the kids. The divided loyalty thing is hugely hurtful to them. Your SIL does seem like a bit of a monster, and I should have said that in the last letter. I meant that involving the kids is a certain way to escalate the situation. The kids will definitely return to you when this all dies down. Concentrate on them and your relationship with them, and step away from the "who is right/who is wrong" aspect. You will never get somebody like this to change, the only way is to change your reaction. For example, I have totally stopped bothering at all if I have been wronged or disrespected by my son's ex. If she wants to think she has scored a point, I don't care. Forget about him, he will still be a pain when your granddaughters are grown up and still love you. The no apology says it all about him, nothing about you. It is his stuff, he can look ad, it need not touch you. Cheers, Sera

belle005059 01-13-2012 04:34 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:) Thanks again Sera..

I have gone thru this all before, not only with my S.I.Law but my Daughter.. which hurt so much more,

she took sides with her father and didn't believe me when I said I knew he was cheating after I'd/We'd been Faithfully married for 35yrs.. and she still won't talk about it..

It was confirmed by a Private Investigator after me going thru 2 yrs of crap, and 3 spinal operations where he couldn't be there for me, ( I'm now thankful to know that, ) and he's now married to that woman,

if that's not enough proof to show I'm not a liar,
if it doesn't vindicate me to my daughter and S.I.Law,

then nothing will be be good enuff .., and that's why I'm so hurt.

We just get on for the sake of the kids, as she works long hours.. and he has his own business,

I'm conveniently sitting here in the house everyday
& a drop off point after school.. or when they're sick,

but I've changed that of late..

I've now met a lovely man who fulfills my life and go away often out of town..

So I can manage without them all ..

I was happy for the first time in my life.. until this shocking incident..

but I'll get over it.. like all my other battles..

I'm a Survivor..

Thanx for being here.. ;) xx

rosequartz 01-13-2012 07:21 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
I'm curious, doesn't your son in law have caller id, which tells you who's calling? We have that here in the U.S. and it's very handy, and even cuts down on prank calls because they are easy to trace
I can't imagine he'd say something so vulgar, not knowing who was on the other end of the line?
it seems your fighting a losing battle......if your daughter doesn't mind being controlled by him, I'd just leave it alone.....if you try to help her, she will just turn on you and defend him.
as far as the grandkids go, just bide your time and see them when you can and try to be a positive influence on them

Curious One 01-13-2012 08:13 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
Regarding this one incident and the resulting loss of enjoyment of your grandchildren, I will ask you what my therapist once asked, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I know your relationship with your grandchildren makes you happy. You are older, wiser and more mature than your SIL, so what would it be like for you -- for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren -- to say to your daughter and SIL "I realize I overreacted and, while it did freak me out, I want to let it all go. I am sorry for talking to the kids about it."

He may be a Class A jerk, but he'd have to truly be a monster if he kept the kids from you after you said that. And, again, it's a bit of swallowing your pride and sacrificing some of your principles, but again, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

BigRed54 01-13-2012 01:51 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
[QUOTE=Curious One;4910066]Regarding this one incident and the resulting loss of enjoyment of your grandchildren, I will ask you what my therapist once asked, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" [/QUOTE]

The exact words that popped into my head when I read this post. Sure, it would be hard to deal with this guy and very hard to watch your daughter go down this road. You want so bad to make her learn. You want so bad for him to apologize because you know that's right. BUT it's not happening.

It would hurt me more than anything to lose contact with my grandchildren. I want to be a positive influence in their lives. That means I would never, ever say anything bad to them about their parents because children need that special bond with parents. They need to believe they are loved no matter what. They need to believe in their parents. So you were wrong to bring the kids into it, but your SIL and D were wrong in what they did. However, it seems obvious you're not going to get an apology, so if you want to be an influence in your grandchildren's lives and continue to see them, do what CuriousOne said and bite the bullet. Be the bigger person.

belle005059 01-13-2012 05:51 PM

Thanks Rose

I have caller ID.. but S.I.L doesn't .. my phn no comes up saying "nothing" so my friends tell me as Telecom have programmed it in ..

My partner and I culdn't believe what he said.. as I said, t'was a big shock!!

Unbelieveable !!.. what a thing to say to any caller ?..

that was verbal abuse and I culdv'e rung the police and got him in trouble

my daughter wuld not admit he'd done anything wrong.. AT ALL
so she's controlled as well as the kids..

Oh yes I culd apologise for bringing the kids into it.. it was a sudden reaction at the time,
but again it's giving in to HIM with his smart horrible attitude which I've sustained for so long ...
I've tried to fight it, never got anywhere, so I just shut up and concentrated on the girls for so long.. --

this time I've got him !!

so I won't be apologising for anything until he says he's sorry and he WON'T !!

... Stalemate !

if I don't get the kids back it's too bad.. there's no more I can do..

it's SIL & daughters loss I'm afraid.. they're gona make the kids lose out ..

Sad eh? xx

_____

Thanks for your replies

During the breakup with my husband of 35yrs,

my SIL & D. played a large role with my ex ..

He lived with them for 2 yrs until he went to live with this woman he cheated with ..

So much I've gone thru ..

Even my lawyer culdn't believe the way I was treated by them..
It was unbeliveable !!..

So I've lost my G/Kids before, thru no fault of my own ...

It's only these past 2 years they came back into my life..

Now it looks like I'm gona lose them again..

well that's life I'm afraid..

I'm used to it.. xx




Thanks for your reply Big Red54

I'm numb to my feelings now..

I shut off long ago and got on with my life.. such as it's been.

I was a dedicated, faithful wife for 35yrs,.. but it's all gone...

If I don't see the kids, I can't change that.. thanks to their parents ignorance..

one day, somewhere in their lives, they'll realize what their father's really like,

then it's gona be THEIR turn to grow up and find out the Truth .. the hard way..

I'll be here for them when & if they want me.. with open arms ..

That's what REAL love is all about. xx

Also Big Red..

I didn't say anything awful about their father to the girls..

I wouldn't do that.. no mater what..

I said - -

" Your dad said something to me that wasn't very nice ( no language mentioned) and I got a fright.. "

" I told your Mum, but she said he wuldn't apologise.. "

... THAT'S ALL !!

Since then the older girl rang me crying, saying she wuldn't be allowed to come down anymore .. etc..

No discussion about it with me.. just CUT Off all ties.. according to him ..

That's where things stand till their mother rings tomorrow with details of picking up their stuff, on Mon / or Tuesday..

We'll see what happens.. but I'm not going to be their puppet to suit them anymore ..

I've got a life to live.. I'll wait till the girls come to me later if they want.. .xx.

belle005059 01-14-2012 06:34 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:wave:

Well It's D Day..

my daughters' supposed to be texting me to let me know when she's coming to get my Grandkids stuff.. but it still hasn't happened yet..

So I found some more stuff in cupboards I'd forgotten,

then I remembered the girls RINGS I'd promised they could have..

one is an Amethyst ,
that belonged to my own Mother I'd gotten her for 50th B/Day,

and the other a Garnet , a beautiful ring my ex bought me for my
20th B/Day.. they chose them 2 yrs ago..

so I kept my promise.. and wrapped them up with a note for each girl,

saying how I loved them and would always remember them .. and asked them to remember me..

I put it in their toy box inside a basket.where they'll look sometime...
So I can rest easy they should find it one day....

I rang my partner , told him what I'd done , that I love him..
then put some music on.. got a coffee..

So that's all I can do till she contacts me..

Wish me Luck... ;-) I need some.. xxx :wave:

belle005059 01-16-2012 07:36 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:wave: Well it's all done

My daughter and friend came at 4pm to collect all the girls toys etc..
She never spoke just wore sunglasses and had a poker face..
I watched them take everything then as she went
I said "Say hello to the girls from me.." I will., she replied..

then a couple of hours later she texted me " there's some dolls etc"
So I looked in a cupboard, texted her back ..
Said

" I've packed them, Come and get them before I go"

She replied " I'll be down soon.... when are you going ? "
I never answered her..

I've just had the Real Estate agent here, he bought all his agents to look thru ..
they're coming sometime this week to take photos of my flat..

I'm taking off out of town at the weekend to live with my Man..
I've nothing left for me here now. ..

when it's sold I'll come get all my furniture and live on the interest I'll put in the bank ..

So there'll be nothing for my kids
( or grandkids..unless they contact me in the future) I'm afraid..

they've done the dirty on me..
So I'll leave it all to Linz.. He cares.. ;-)

Thanks for your help ..
Belle :wave:

Belly Kelly 01-17-2012 04:54 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
May I ask how old your grandchildren are?

I am sorry you are dealing with this. However, I do agree you should not have involved the grandchildren. I think this is what set off your daughter and SIL. Can you apologize for doing that part?

headset 01-17-2012 06:28 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
Morning Nana I read your threads and I weap as I come from a family where a daughter in a law and my mother and father did not get along 28 years passed living 10 minutes apart and not speaking nor talking to each other.
I can tell you the disfunction started out small and then spread where my brother n sister n law stopped talking to the entire family I buried my mom 3 years ago and my dad 1 year ago I had hoped an prayed they would show up left doors open
Find a neurtal mediator, find a way to stop with the right fighting and focus on what you want which is peace happiness for yourself and from there you will attract positivepeople and seeing your family
I hear your pain from the past and now with your current situration but the 2 are seperate incidents do not mingle them together
I may suggest a good book by melody beattie Co dependent no more
as a family who grew up in a similar controlling envorironment I found working 12 steps and letting go was not easy but brings me peace and happiness
take care be kind to yourself find a way to forgive

belle005059 01-17-2012 12:32 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
No it's too late now..
I and they will never see each other again.. I'm selling up and going away.. it is sad tho..

it's showed what he's really like as a person in the first place.. .

I would've said I was sorry I told the girls he frightened me like I said.. but I still can't see what's wrong with that for the life of me !!..

It's TRUE.. he DID.. I was petrified .. I never told them anything WRONG or UNTRUE..

they've ( parents) never even spoken to me at all about anything..!! NIL ..

Just SHUT OFF because I showed him up to his girls..by telling the truth..

all it wouldv'e taken in the 1st place from him was a simple apology at my door.. for swearing ( unbeknownst to him at ME) on the other end of phne.. was so stupid ...

and I would've accepted that and nothing wouldv'e happened..

Can't anyone see that?...

It's the girls loss ( which HE did to them, .. ) thru his pigheadedness not wanting to say sorry to ME..it's simple as that..

They're a lovely 9 & 7yrs .. .

but I'll see them no more, not my choice till they're grownup ..if they want me..

Thanks Belly Kelly x

Kszan 01-17-2012 12:44 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
It would have turned out better if you would have tried to take the high road and be the better person, setting a good example for your grandkids of how to handle this maturely. But instead you dug your heels in and didn't even try to work it out so now you've lost your grandkids. It's been my experience that most grandparents would walk through fire for their grandkids and move mountains just to spend time with them, but you didn't do that and I'm confused about why your pride is more important to you than your relationship with them? I'm not trying to be mean here but I'm trying to understand why you dug your heels in and didn't even try to preserve your relationship with your grandkids? Is this guy, your son in law, really important enough for you to lose them over? It doesn't seem like it to me and I think you may have overreacted to the situation that occurred with the phone call.

It looks like it's all done but if you really wanted to have your grandkids in your life, you should at least have tried to make an effort to be in their lives. It's really sad when a grandparent washes their hands of their grandkids over something stupid that the parents did. You're punishing the kids for the actions of their parents and that's not exactly the best lesson to teach kids.

Larrylou'smom 01-17-2012 01:10 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
I'm really sorry it had to come to this, I know it must feel horrible. I say shame on your daughter for putting this immature, tacky man above her own flesh and blood, above the woman who raised her. But it seems this was boiling for long long time, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. It looks like your son in law was looking for a reason to kick you out of their lives for a while, now, all the easier for him to ride roughshod over his wife and kids. I suppose you could have let this go, and you could have continued to see your grandkids, but at what price? I imagine it was starting to take a toll on you, always having to hold your tongue, always having to swallow your pride, etc. I'm so sorry they chose to use their own children in this power play. The kids are the real losers here. I just hope one day your daughter comes around and sees how wrong she's been to let this guy walk all over her and her children, and her mom.

belle005059 01-17-2012 01:27 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
:)
Thank you Larry Lous' Mum..

You're right on the Button..
That's exactly what I've been trying to get thu everyones head.. !!

I was a devoted Granma to those girls .. I wuld have done anything for them even tho my D & SIL never let me see them 4 5yrs..

when I broke up with my ex.. from his continuous cheating..

BUT again I NEVER did anything wrong, I was devoted to HIM!! for 35yrs for goodness sake.. all that goes with it.

I was a wonderful devoted mother to my two kids, as everyone tells me then to my G/kids... and I'm still paying for it....

Thank you so much L/Lou .. xx

belle005059 01-17-2012 02:19 PM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
;-) thank you for your thoughts .. much appreciated in this time..
Belle xx

belle005059 01-18-2012 04:49 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed-the Ad-On
 
:(

I'm going to tell you all the story behind my daughter and her father..

it's been bugging me as it wasn't the issue that started all this in the beginning..

but it has a lot to do with my Daughter & SIL.. and my EX husband..

When I'd left him due to his cheating, I went away to womens' refuge twice and my sister's out of town for a month..

one time when I came home,

he said
" Your'e home ! now I can put you back on the books!"

He was thinking of the money , I had worked for him for 12 yrs doing his books and did everything for him, he didn't want to lose his money to me! if he divorced me.. .. well he did in the end!!

That next night I thought I'd try and make an effort to rekindle his love if he had any for me ..

so I went into the bedroom , made myself up to look nice.. when I came out he was sitting in a chair behind the lounge door.. and here he was with a pair of my white knickers on , feeliing himself..

I was quietly shocked, but I said .." what are you doing?"

"Oh I like the feeling " he said..

( I rang my private investigator later and he told me " He's one sick puppy!! " That's not normal behaviour..)

So I tried to let it go at the time and concentrated on kissing him..

We ended up on the floor then went thru to the bedroom..

When I got into bed beside him.. I heard a funny noise beside me..
Turned out he had a Vibrator going, he had it up his back passage!! My god..
" Where did you learn that? " I asked.. ( He never learnt it from me) ..
Again .. " I like the feeling" he said..

( It Turned out he'd been going to swingers clubs here in my town while I was away.. where he knew quite a few of the ladies! )

As things went on he started cuddling me.. so I responded, thinking I had to make it work..

then he had me standing up, out of my wheelchair , then he began raping me up the back passage , !! .. & he started yelling at the top of his voice ..

" OHHH.. It's the best it's EVER been!! " !!

all the neighbours would've heard him ..

I'd been trying to say NO!! NO!! STOP !! but he wouldn't stop... I said to him later " Didn't you hear me say to stop!" but he said " No,.oh it was so good! "

I told my Pvt Inv.later and he said.." get away from him .. leave him.. he's no good for you!"

Such a lot more happened after that, too numerous to explain here..

We went to Relationship Councelling to fix our marriage .. he went to only 2 sessions and didn't want to go to anymore..

So I did and told her everything, then I cried and cried..

She said, " why didn't you tell me?" ..
I said " he wouldve' killed me when we got home.. he's got a gun, if I'd told you, with him here.."

After a long time of many things he did I left him for good,

but I couldn't tell my daughter what he did to me..

Subsequently her and my SIL wouldn't believe anything I said about him, .. But it was all true..
I had to get the police to him Twice.. it was so bad.. My daughter and ex tried to get me committed to Mental Health, but THEY worked out I was fine.. quite sane in the end..

Even more happened.. in the end it took yrs for my Daughter to bring the children to see me.. They loved me..

until my SIL swore at me and this all blew up again..

I was on a dating site,( suggested by my son in Aussie) and met some nice men, some not so good.. ,

but I trusted them, as that's the way I've always been .. learnt a few lessons along the way,

then one guy who has written some books said to me..
" Put it all behind you.. Forgive and forget "

So later on I tried to do so..
Met some more men and concentrated on beginning a new life..

And this is why my SIL & D. doesn't like what I did with my life..

He thinks I'm older and shouldn't have a man !!!
He disapproves of me for that.. cos his mother hasn't got a man.. she's 10yrs older than me..

but I'm a younger looking woman for my age, in a wheelchair and I thought I'd like to meet someone who'd care for me in my older years..
and that's what I've just done..

Met someone who cares about me as I do for him, does things to make me happy..

Now after what happened with my G/ Kids I've got nothing to live for here..

I'm going away to live somewhere else.. and live a happy life..
I deserve it I've decided..

..
Now you might understand just a little bit more about me perhaps.?..

It's been unbelievable, but that was the truth..

Long live Love and Life

Thanks for reading this.. with much love x Belle xx :wave:

Belly Kelly 01-18-2012 05:12 AM

Re: Son in law is a controller: Help needed
 
[QUOTE=belle005059;4912547]No it's too late now..

I would've said I was sorry I told the girls he frightened me like I said.. but I still can't see what's wrong with that for the life of me !!..

They're a lovely 9 & 7yrs .. .
[/QUOTE]


This IS a problem and gives us a much clearer picture. I would probably do the same thing if my MIL or mother ever said something negative to my children about me. You really had no right to involve the children in this. At 7 and 9 years old, they don't understand the whole situation and probably love their father and only see him as, "daddy."

If you truly want to salvage your relationship with your grandchildren, which I think would be something you would want to do, then I think an apology for involving the grandchildren should be granted. Good luck.


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