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  • Antisocial Behavior?

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    Old 01-15-2012, 08:19 PM   #1
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    Antisocial Behavior?

    Hi, I am really confused and hurting at the moment. My husband (we've been together about 3 years now) can be extremely anti-social, to the point of being rude to guests in our home, my parents, heck even his own family. Apparently he has always behaved like this. His dad was very much like this, rude to his in laws, but thinking his behavior was normal and not rude. When someone comes over he will get up and leave the room and go sit on the computer in the office. He did that today with my parents over. We were supposed to go out to dinner for my birthday and we were waiting before heading out. He got up, took the computer and went into the office to sit in the dark. I didn't really think much of it, I get that work stresses him out, he's wonderful with me. But after today and my mom point blank asking him if he hates her, and him not saying anything just ignoring her, I couldn't take it and broke down in tears. To which he left, my parents left (after driving 6 hours to see me)... He honestly thinks his behavior is normal and not rude. I called his mom to find out where this comes from (she's warm, loving and welcoming to everyone) and she told me his dad was the exact same way and that my husband had picked up the behavrior from him even though she tried to correct it. This is something that has to be worked on. It is a major issue. I can't have my parents or friends getting their feelings hurt everytime they come over. Its not right and not fair. I have been searching the internet, trying to figure out if this is a mental health issue that maybe a therapist could help with? I mean its amazing he honestly see's nothing wrong with his behavior.

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    Old 01-15-2012, 09:15 PM   #2
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    Re: Antisocial Behavior?

    Unfortunately you're going to need a therapist if he doesn't think anything is wrong with his behaviour. Have you sat down with him and told him that he's insulting your friends, family, any guests? Have you told him that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel ashamed when he does this? Make sure you say it without being too emotional or accusing, because that isn't going to help. He just needs to realise that it is not normal behaviour. If he doesn't after that, then go to a therapist. It doesn't sound like you need a marriage counselor, but he needs a personal therapist. It's going to be a long journey, so be patient. It's great that you have a good marriage otherwise, it means you have so much better chances of getting through it unscathed! Good luck!

    Old 01-16-2012, 03:48 AM   #3
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    Re: Antisocial Behavior?

    Did you marry this man to change him? Good luck! This would have to have been a biggish red flag from the start. Unfortunately, for him, this IS normal. This is who he is. I think that all you can do is to insist on sociable behavior and decent good manners. Rudeness and inconsiderate behavior is a learned thing, and he needs to unlearn it. As the previous poster said, tell him how it makes YOU feel when he behaves like this. Use the "when you......., I feel........., and I need you to .............." statement. This is non-blaming. It does not accuse or put him are addressing the behavior, not the person. Be prepared to do this many times, it will take a while to get through. I think you will only end with him "making an effort", but his default position will always be antisocial boor.

    Old 01-16-2012, 09:10 AM   #4
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    Re: Antisocial Behavior?

    I think what you have to ask yourself is, why would he change? Insulting his mother in law, making his mother in law think he hates her, ruining your birthday, making you cry on your birthday, not enough to make him re-evaluate his behavior. Not enough to make him care about other people's feelings enough to consider changing. So what would be enough? Maybe you could ask him what it would take to make him want to change. But it has to start with him. If he doesn't WANT to change, and if he doesn't care what his behavior is costing you or him, then there really isn't anything you can do. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to. If that's the case, all you can do is consider the possibility that you simply married this man before you fully understood all that being married to him would mean, and cost, and that maybe it was a mistake to marry him. But have a talk with him and see if there's any way he would WANT to change.

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