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  • Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

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    Old 02-01-2012, 11:18 PM   #1
    Engel87
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    Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    So, I've caught my bf of three years in a lie. We’re both 24.

    There's this girl who has an obsession with my bf. I trusted him fully in knowing how to handle the situation. However, some weeks ago, I found out through his ******** wall that this girl was gonna start writing him letters. Yes, personal letters, not e-mails. She lives in another country and they met abroad. Anyway, I told him I thought this was passing the line and he said he was going to tell her not to write to him.

    Later on, I started getting suspicious and snooped into his ********. I know what I did was wrong- I invaded his private space. However, I saw an e-mail from this girl saying she had already sent the letter and that it was gonna arrive in about 2 weeks. Shocked at him lying to me, I asked him “Are you hiding anything from me?”, to which he answered “of course not, stop bothering me”. So I told him I was suspicious and if I could access his ********. He first told me that if I trusted him I shouldn’t feel suspicious since he wasn’t hiding anything from me and later told me I could access his ******** account. So I did. Problem is, when I checked his inbox, the e.mail this girl had sent him wasn’t there anymore, he had deleted it. So not only did he lie about writing letters to a girl he barely knows but he deleted this e-mail now.

    Before I continue, you have to understand I have a need to be honest about everything.. maybe sometimes too honest. I’ve always told him everything and have never lied.

    So I called him and told him we needed to talk. I told him I had entered his ******** earlier in the morning and saw this e-mail about this girl writing a letter to him when he had agreed not to pursue the issue, and now that he had given me access I knew he had hidden this from me. Was he ever gonna tell me had I not logged into his account before? I don’t know. And I don’t care about this girl. I only care about him lying and hiding this from me. I am in love but I can’t see a future relationship without trust- unless you wanna drive yourself insane, which I don’t. I don’t know what to do.. help?

    Any help is much appreciated

     
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    Old 02-02-2012, 02:44 AM   #2
    pendulum
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    That was an ugly lie, if I may say so. And I agree that he has broken your trust. But I think this was the first time you caught him in a lie, right?

    It would help if he admitted that he lied and then explained why. Let's suppose that this girl was pestering him about coming to this country and he didn't know how to avoid her AND how to share it with you.

    Okay, this would be the best scenario for his lie. I know it doesn't delete the fact that he lied, but at least makes it a bit more defensible.

    What did he say when you confronted him?

     
    Old 02-02-2012, 05:12 AM   #3
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    Yeah, what did he say when you told him you were in his account and saw that email but now it's gone? You totally left that part out of your story!

     
    Old 02-02-2012, 08:10 AM   #4
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    Hey! Thanks for the quick answers

    Haha, well, I wanted to tell him all this in person but he insisted me on telling him over the phone or else he wouldn't meet up (¿?). He was at a friends house. So as soon as I dropped it, he paused and then said "Well.. it's a long story. I'll tell you tomorrow".

    We're supposed to meet up today.

    Pendulum, he's not the kind of guy who apologizes. He's self-centered, narcissist and always finds a way to be right. I think he'll try to blame me for not trusting him and logging into his ******** earlier without his consent. Still, I feel he tried to manipulate me. Am I exaggerating?

    Last edited by Engel87; 02-02-2012 at 08:14 AM.

     
    Old 02-02-2012, 08:44 AM   #5
    pendulum
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    I don't think you are exaggerating about the trust issue, but maybe maybe the relationship if anything with this girl is harmless or of no consequence.

    You made the mistake of looking into his ********, and this gives him an advantage, but then again you simply followed your instinct/intuition.

    Whatever the outcome of your conversation, things will probably never be the same between you guys from now on. You found he lied and that has shaken your trust in him, and he knows that you invaded personal stuff and this puts him on his guard against you.

    This can't be a light conversation. But I hope you won't end up fighting.

    If you want the relationship to be workable again, both of you guys have to work on it, but on the other hand you say he is self-centred, narcissist, etc... Do you want someone like that in your life? Does his positive qualities make you want to stay?

    Last edited by pendulum; 02-02-2012 at 08:46 AM.

     
    Old 02-02-2012, 08:51 AM   #6
    Kszan
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    If he is a self centered narcissist then why does any of this make any difference? Who cares about the girl that is writing him letters, dump him for being a self centered narcissist and move on to someone less self involved!

     
    Old 02-02-2012, 02:34 PM   #7
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    Re: Caught my bf in a lie and hiding things from me. Help?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Engel87 View Post
    Pendulum, he's not the kind of guy who apologizes. He's self-centered, narcissist and always finds a way to be right. I think he'll try to blame me for not trusting him and logging into his ******** earlier without his consent. Still, I feel he tried to manipulate me. Am I exaggerating?
    And why do you love this person if he's all that you just described? Is that the type of person and relationship you see yourself being in?

    If trust is an important need (which is should be) and he's not meeting that need, why are you wasting time with him? What could he possibly say that will convince you to trust him like you use to? It's not like you're married. Also, the fact that you have such strong negative opinions about his personalty just screams that you should find someone else.
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