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    Old 02-04-2012, 09:43 AM   #1
    Scribbler128
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    Having a bad day

    Still missing my ex. Still feeling so much grief. All I can think about is how happy he is with his new girlfriend. It's been 5 months since he left me for her.
    I thought time is meant to heal? How much longer?

     
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    Old 02-04-2012, 10:26 AM   #2
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Have you continued to contact him? Are you doing anything like looking at his "social networking" page?

    Last edited by bibimbap; 02-04-2012 at 10:27 AM.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 10:56 AM   #3
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    Re: Having a bad day

    If you're still in contact with him in any way, whether electronic or on the phone, then you won't ever get over it. That's a fact. Since you insist on keeping him in your life, be prepared to take forever to start feeling better, fact.

    However, cutting him off 100% and focusing your attention elsewhere will make it a lot easier to stop thinking about him all the time. I think it's time for you to face facts that keeping him in your life in any way is hurting a lot more than helping so you need to stop it now.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 12:12 PM   #4
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Heartbreaks are brutal but they do heal in time. Be gentle with yourself.

    I think music can be so healing & therapeutic. After one break-up I discovered a song called "I wish you love," about wishing love & happiness to someone who breaks your heart (sung by Jose Feliciano). It's not easy but there is incredible freedom in being able to do that. I credit this song in helping me move on.

    Another beautiful & haunting song I discovered after another break-up was also critical to my healing. It's called "You are forgiven" by Deb Talan & it's about forgiving someone & letting go after a break-up.

    My break-ups were also not my choice but those songs truly moved me forward & opened my heart to new possibilities.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 12:21 PM   #5
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    Re: Having a bad day

    He's not in my life, he lives in another country. We exchanged a few messages over the last month, eg, happy new year etc. It barely counts as any communication at all. So while I appreciate you're trying to help, please don't say it's because of those few messages I'm feeling this way because it isn't. It's been 5 months and I'm really no better than when the break up first happened, I didn't even feel better when we were in no contact.

    I've focused on work, travelling, picked up new hobbies etc. I'm trying everything. But it's not getting any better. It's been 5 months and I still love and miss him. It's so cruel to have these feelings, I'm really miserable.

    Thanks daisymae55, I'll check out the songs.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 01:38 PM   #6
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    Re: Having a bad day

    No contact only works if you maintain it for months, not just a few days or a couple of weeks. And yes, that contact you had can definitely hold you up. How do you feel when he responds to you? Does your heart or your stomach jump a little? Do you open the message hoping he'll say he misses you, or that he and his new girlfriend broke up? Do you wait for his reply, checking your email or your phone hoping you hear back from him?

    If you maintain a good 2 months of absolutely NO contact at all (including looking at his or his friends' "social networking" pages) and you still feel exactly the way you do today, then maybe you could look into professional help because you may be depressed (in the medical sense, not just in a down mood). Therapy and/or medication can help if you are truly depressed.

    I know feeling that way is lousy, so I hope you can find your way out of it soon.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 01:45 PM   #7
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    If you maintain a good 2 months of absolutely NO contact at all (including looking at his or his friends' "social networking" pages) and you still feel exactly the way you do today, then maybe you could look into professional help because you may be depressed (in the medical sense, not just in a down mood). Therapy and/or medication can help if you are truly depressed.

    I know feeling that way is lousy, so I hope you can find your way out of it soon.
    Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

    I did maintain over two months of no contact before when I made new friends and spent a month travelling but I didn't feel any better. Now, in some ways, I feel even worse because it's been so long and I'm still heartbroken where as he's still with that girl, probably didn't spend a single day mourning our relationship. Funny how some things work out. Well, not funny at all actually. He's destroyed me.

    I think I probably am suffering from depression, I'm going to go counselling and my doctor suggested anti depressants.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 02:19 PM   #8
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    Re: Having a bad day

    I'm just going to through my own experience out there in the hopes that maybe it can help in some way. Maybe not, but you can take it how you wish.

    I had a bad break up a long time ago. I think for everyone it's different, but I was angry for a long time. I found the more I filled up my life with fun, really interesting things, the less I thought about him and missed him, though he was always in the back of my mind. I was also dead set on meeting someone else. I was kind of naive, I just assumed I'd meet someone else, someone much better suited for me. I thought "I'm reasonably nice looking, smart, educated, independent, why wouldln't I meet someone else?" But I never did. Maybe it would have been easier if I had, I don't know. But I do know that you can't just sit there and wait for time to take the pain away. You have to take an active role in making it go away. In deciding to accept that it's over, by not thinking about him and his new woman, by cutting off those thougths cold when they start, because they really are none of your business anymore. Time alone won't heal anything. You have to do the work.

    For me, it's been 14 years since we broke up, He met someone else pretty quickly after me and married her and took her kids in as his own, and as far as I know, is happy with them. The pain that I didn't get to have a life, not just with him but with anyone, well, I've just accepted it as part of my life now. I've also accepted that I will never be who I was before I met him, and my heart will never be the same. But maybe it wasn't supposed to be. All we can do is learn the lessons we can learn and do everything we can to move on and build a life to be proud of, without looknng back and hanging onto shoulda-woulda-couldas. At least now I can honestly say I'm not sorry we didn't stay together. I do miss the good bits of being with him sometimes, but i also embrace the fact that they were not worth the bad parts, and I am healtihier and more secure and self possessed than I would have been had I satayed with him. Sometimes that's the best you can hope for, but again, you have to want to get to that point. I still don't hear you really WANTING to get over it. You want to stop hurting of course, but you're still not wanting to do what you have to do to stop hurting. You're still wishing things had turned out differently. You're still wishing you could go back. As long as you do, you will never feel any better.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 02:31 PM   #9
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I had a bad break up a long time ago. I think for everyone it's different, but I was angry for a long time. I found the more I filled up my life with fun, really interesting things, the less I thought about him and missed him, though he was always in the back of my mind. I was also dead set on meeting someone else. I was kind of naive, I just assumed I'd meet someone else, someone much better suited for me. I thought "I'm reasonably nice looking, smart, educated, independent, why wouldln't I meet someone else?" But I never did. Maybe it would have been easier if I had, I don't know.
    Hi Larry, sorry to read about your bad break up. But never say never. You don't know what the future holds!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    But I do know that you can't just sit there and wait for time to take the pain away. You have to take an active role in making it go away. In deciding to accept that it's over, by not thinking about him and his new woman, by cutting off those thougths cold when they start, because they really are none of your business anymore. Time alone won't heal anything. You have to do the work.
    I've tried to do the work, I really have. I went on contact. I went travelling. I picked up new hobbies. I made new friends. I dated men. I've talked about him until I grew sick and bored! But I'm still here. It's so infuriating. People also keep saying give it time. It's been 5 months, almost half a year! Something has got to give, but I don't know what. It didn't take me this long to get over my first love.

    It shouldn't be taking me this long. I wonder it's because of my depression? There are other things in my life that I'm not happy with as well. I think I will probably go on the anti depressants just to not feel so desperately low all the time. Believe me, it's the last thing I would want but I've exhausted everything else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I still don't hear you really WANTING to get over it. You want to stop hurting of course, but you're still not wanting to do what you have to do to stop hurting. You're still wishing things had turned out differently. You're still wishing you could go back. As long as you do, you will never feel any better.
    I want to get over this awful feeling of being heartbroken but how can I when I still love him? How can I make myself stop loving/missing him? I suppose I need to accept it is over and he's never coming back but it's a tough feeling to ride against when your feelings of desire and love are so strong.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 02:43 PM   #10
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
    I want to get over this awful feeling of being heartbroken but how can I when I still love him? How can I make myself stop loving/missing him? I suppose I need to accept it is over and he's never coming back but it's a tough feeling to ride against when your feelings of desire and love are so strong.
    I think you can get over that painful, feels-like-someone-just-kicked-you-in-the-chest feeling. How I got over that really horrible feeling is, I really did basically just DECIDE to. hanging onto that pain was a way of hanging onto him, because accepting that it was over, everything we had and were was all in the past, felt worse than pining over him. But it really is the only way to move past that awful, desperate pain. Just decide to. I know it's a tough feeling, and the fact that things aren't going well in other areas of your life can make that worse. I tried the antii-depressants, too. They did not work for me, but if you feel they may help you, perhaps you can try them and work closely with your doctor to get the right kind and the right dosage, etc.

    Another thing that might help, if you haven't done it already, is make two lists. Make one list of all the things you miss about him, all the things that were good and positive about your relationship. Then make another list of all the things that were bad, the things that hurt your feelings or made you feel insecure, disrespected, dishonored, and don't hold back, Be honest and don't give him any quarter, and make no excuses. When I did this, my bad things list was THREE TIMES as long as my good things list. That was really the first real, tangible, concrete thing that really helped me see that no matter how much I loved him, no matter how I still wanted him, the truth was the relationship was unhealthy and I was better off without him. You have done a really great job at examining how you "messed" things up. Now it's time to take just as hard and honest a look at how he messed things up, and the things he did that contributed to the fact that you two just don't belong together.

    And be more gentle on yourself. A broken heart is like grieving a big loss. There's no time table. Grief does not have a set schedule, so don't be so hard on yourself that you aren't "over it" yet after only 5 months. It took me really 5 years to start to really move forward, and that was with a lot of work. Like I said, it might not have been so hard if I'd met someone else, but it takes as long as it takes. As long as you're doing everything you can to move yourself forward, then don't sweat any kind of time table.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-04-2012 at 02:46 PM.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 03:08 PM   #11
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    Re: Having a bad day

    I know how you feel, I really do. I had a rough break-up at the same time as you did apx. 5-6 months ago. I struggled with bouts of severe depression and at times felt hopeless. It wasn't until I did a combination of two things that I finally was able to find a way to heal myself. It takes not only cutting off contact with that person but also meeting new people. I started going on dates and making efforts to open myself back up to new people. It wasn't easy, but the healing process finally took off once I did this.

    The truth is, I am still undergoing the process, but I feel so much better. I found out she is now engaged to get married. Interestingly enough, she has contacted me several times the past couple weeks. We talked on the phone a few times and it started to get to me. Slowly but surely, when I felt a little depressed, I started thinking about her and I almost sent her an email today. I'm glad I didn't, this thread reminded me why it would have been a bad idea.

    I'd suggest you cut off all ties with him completely. Even short text messages are enough to open your heart back up, allowing the pain to creep its way back inside.

    Last edited by NightOwl2012; 02-04-2012 at 03:17 PM.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 03:15 PM   #12
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    Re: Having a bad day

    I know how you feel, I really do. I had a rough break-up at the same time as you did apx. 5-6 months ago. I struggled with bouts of severe depression and at times felt hopeless. It wasn't until I did a combination of two things that I finally was able to find a way to heal myself. It takes not only cutting off contact with that person but also meeting new people. I started going on dates and making efforts to open myself back up to new people. It wasn't easy, but the healing process finally took off once I did this. I think even short messages open your heart back up. I'd seriously suggest cutting off all contact completely.

    The truth is, I am still undergoing the process, but I feel so much better. I found out she is now engaged to get married. Interestingly enough, she has contacted me several times the past couple weeks. We talked on the phone a few times and it started to get to me. Slowly but surely, when I felt a little depressed, I started thinking about her and I almost sent her an email today. I'm glad I didn't, this thread reminded me why it would have been a bad idea.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 03:18 PM   #13
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by NightOwl2012 View Post
    I know how you feel, I really do. I had a rough break-up at the same time as you did apx. 5-6 months ago. I struggled with bouts of severe depression and at times felt hopeless. It wasn't until I did a combination of two things that I finally was able to find a way to heal myself. It takes not only cutting off contact with that person but also meeting new people. I started going on dates and making efforts to open myself back up to new people. It wasn't easy, but the healing process finally took off once I did this.

    The truth is, I am still undergoing the process, but I feel so much better. I found out she is now engaged to get married. Interestingly enough, she has contacted me several times the past couple weeks. We talked on the phone a few times and it started to get to me. Slowly but surely, when I felt a little depressed, I started thinking about her and I almost sent her an email today. I'm glad I didn't, this thread reminded me why it would have been a bad idea.
    Hi NightOwl, thanks for your reply.

    Sorry to hear you went through a rough break up and about your depression too. Why did you break up?I can't believe she's engaged after only 5/6 months? Why do you think she is back in touch with you? Also, did you seek any help/treatment for your depression?

    I realised I was depressed around a month ago. I don't think all my sad feelings are just from heartbreak but also depression. People tell me i should be over my ex because it's been a while but when you're dealing with depression, an illness, it makes it even more difficult.

    Going out and meeting people is great, I agree. I did a lot of that over the last few months but not so much in the last month. I met people on my travels a couple months back and we're planning some trips later on this year. A good way to have fun and keep distracted.

    I've seen your thread on meeting a new girl. I'm happy for you! Hope you will take the opportunity to enjoy getting to know her.

    I'm absolutely nowhere near that stage yet. I have been on dates (not in the last month or so though) and there were three men who caught my interest but I was/still am too heartbroken and sad. Plus, I am somebody who loves her freedom.

    I suppose what I need to do is carry on with my life, the hobbies, travelling etc and try to think about my ex less and less, and seek some proper help and treatment to take the edge off feeling so sad.

    Keep in touch, let me know how you are doing.

    Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-04-2012 at 03:28 PM.

     
    Old 02-04-2012, 03:27 PM   #14
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I think you can get over that painful, feels-like-someone-just-kicked-you-in-the-chest feeling. How I got over that really horrible feeling is, I really did basically just DECIDE to. hanging onto that pain was a way of hanging onto him, because accepting that it was over, everything we had and were was all in the past, felt worse than pining over him. But it really is the only way to move past that awful, desperate pain. Just decide to.
    It's just so tough I've never found it so difficult to move on from a guy before, not even my first love. You mentioned writing that list. Well, I have one. And there were good and bad points but overall the good outweighs the bad. He was truly awful in the way he broke up with me, totally lacked any integrity and I would never have imagined that he would have done that. But he was a good boyfriend to me and I miss him and our trips together so much. I need to accept it's over for good but it's so difficult getting there. I know things will get better once I do and hopefully the antidepressants will reduce my sadness and anxiety so I am able to accept - I wonder if that's all it will take?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    And be more gentle on yourself. A broken heart is like grieving a big loss. There's no time table. Grief does not have a set schedule, so don't be so hard on yourself that you aren't "over it" yet after only 5 months. It took me really 5 years to start to really move forward, and that was with a lot of work. Like I said, it might not have been so hard if I'd met someone else, but it takes as long as it takes. As long as you're doing everything you can to move yourself forward, then don't sweat any kind of time table.
    Five months feels like forever when you've been feeling this way every day. I'm sure you know, as you say, you've been through this yourself. I become so frustrated at times, it feels so unfair to be feeling this way when he didn't give me a second thought.

    I'm not someone who jumps from one relationship to the other either. Before I met my ex, I was extremely happy being single and dating a string of nice and successful men but I did not want any more because I was enjoying being free. I would like to get back to that point before I even think about getting into another relationship. Relationships just cause problems, it seems. I also have my career to focus on.

    The pain really is quite awful at times. Today has been especially bad.

    Thanks for listening, sharing your story and offering great advice.

     
    Old 02-05-2012, 03:11 AM   #15
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Hi Scribbler

    How are you doing today?

    Have you been sleeping well? Have you been eating well? I know breakups can seriously affect your health and well-being, but the stronger you are, the less affected you are. So I would advise you to keep strengthening your body and your immunity system, so you are able to cope with your emotional pain better.

    As for this guy, at times it sounds like you have put him on a pedestal. I suppose you will find my words strange, but there they go: it would help if you forgive him. The point is you haven't done anything to him that would require a revenge from him. So I don't think the pain he inflicted upon you was voluntary. Simply put, he isn't even aware that he has caused you any pain. You might say that he is superficial/shallow or insensitive, but it is best to stop judging him completely, forgive him for he didn't know what he was doing, let him go and move on.

    I hope these words make sense to you.

     
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