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Toxic relationship. Should I end it? How?

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Old 02-22-2012, 07:20 PM   #1
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Toxic relationship. Should I end it? How?

This is going to be a bit lengthy. I'll try shortening it as much as possible though. Hoping at least someone can bear with me. I really need help/advice.

My bf and I have been together for four years. In the beginning things were good. For the first year of our relationship we didn't have disastrous fights, just the occasional disagreement, but when we first met each other we were both emotionally f*ed up in our own ways. I use to be a very insecure, depressive type of person. During my teen and early adult years, I was suicidal, overly concerned with what others thought of me, etc. He was never that way, but was a severely angry person and unable to cope with his anger. Both of us have made huge improvements to ourselves during the recent years, but I'm now not so sure about our relationship itself.

My family members hate him. My mom insists he is an abusive person. Other people have hinted at this or flat our said this too...that he's not good to me/does not treat me well and I "could do way better:. Everyone tells him and tells me that he comes across as a very abrasive, antagonistic and even cocky sort of guy (luckily he's made improvements on this). Honestly this was part of what attracted me to him, I think because I've always been the meek, pushover type and I didn't like these things about myself and wanted to learn to stick up for myself and not care what others think. As arrogant as he can be, he is for a fact highly intelligent. Good at forming his arguments and presenting you with facts, evidence and logic and not JUST emotion and anger.

He's not physically abusive to me, but does have a very bad habit of throwing things (not at me), breaking things and punching holes in walls, yelling at the top of his lungs, etc. when he gets mad. Sometimes even over very minor things. For whatever reason, this did not bother me a whole lot during the beginning of our relationship when I first witnessed it. It felt "normal", if that makes any sense. Now I can barely handle when he starts to react like this to anything. It's like my body cannot physically handle the stress anymore. I start shaking and sweating and yet I feel rather numb (emotionally that is).

I'm not perfect myself. I have my tendencies to overreact to stupid things and I tend to get jealous and threatened and angry easily. Sometimes I get mad at him when I have no right to be mad. I've slowly learned self control. I don't react like this nearly as often as I use to and when I do, it doesn't last as long and I don't flip out nearly as hard core. Mostly I just cry a little bit and leave the house (go for a drive or walk my dog until I calm down).

The thing that's bothering me most is that each time we get in a big fight (which happens an average of twice a month) He tells me to get out, he's done, doesn't want to see me again, calls me all sorts of horrible names... I don't talk like this to him..even when I am mad. But these insults don't really effect me anymore. He's said them so many times I just don't really care.

I'm sure you're reading this wondering why I have I stayed with him. I don't completely know why. I love him, have come to know who he is and understand a large part of the reason he has the issues that he does. I think he feels the same way about me, which is maybe why he's continued to put up with me. The other reason is I just don't know HOW to exit this relationship..I'm use to it. My life with him is all that I know and have. I don't even have any friends at the moment (just acquaintances). I feel like this whole thing would be so much easier if I even had one friend to turn to, but I don't. (which I know is my own fault) If we broke up now, I'd have to move back in with my mother. I'd lose my job and would have to start all over again. Then there's also the issue that even though I love my mom very much, her and I have grown apart and have recently had some issues in our relationship. I'm 25, so moving back with mom is definitely not ideal.

I really think he wants to leave me (the things he says when he's angry tell me so), but he too does not know how to end it with me...and he's gotten comfortable with me. It seems he's just pretending until he can get on his own two feet, save up enough money to where he can afford his own place. He's hinted at this a few times. It's a bad, lonely feeling of thinking I'm being used and fooled.

No idea what to do.

Is there any hope for this relationship? I love him and really want to work it out, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's already given up and is planning his escape as I type.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-25-2012 at 03:55 PM.

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Old 02-25-2012, 03:28 AM   #2
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Re: Toxic relationship. Should I end it? How?

Why would you lose your job if you left him?

Old 02-25-2012, 07:43 AM   #3
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Re: Toxic relationship. Should I end it? How?

There are really two options here...stay and continue to be called horrible names and be abused (yes, you are being abused) for the next 40 years or so, or gather yourself up and realize you deserve better and leave.

Just because you don't know how to do something doesn't mean you can't. You weren't born knowing how to type, how to use a cell phone, how to put gas in your car, how to go on job interviews, how to ask for directions, etc. These are things that are important so you either asked for help or you figured them out. Aren't your future and your emotional well-being important enough to figure out how?

This is an unhealthy, sick relationship... a "drama" relationship. I know many people who love this kind of relationship and find secure, healthy relationships "boring" and "unchallenging". They mistakenly believe that screaming fights and extreme jealousy are signs of "love" when they really are signs of emotional immaturity and sick dependence. The "love" they believe they are feeling is really adrenaline, anxiety and nerves. High emotions, sure, but certainly not the kind of love that makes you feel warm and secure and safe.

It sounds to me like you might want off the drama train, but you're not sure. If you'd leave him only to decide you "miss" him and the intensity, you probably should stay put. But if you want better for yourself (and I hope you do), you can bite the bullet and move back with Mom. Tell yourself it's only for x number of months (say, 4, so you can find a job and save money for your own place) and when there's an end in sight it's often easier to get through something. And you may find that your relationship with your mom gets repaired while you're there, and that's a good thing.

And make some friends! It's always a mistake to give everything up for a boyfriend.

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