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redbag1 03-08-2012 04:27 AM

Do we see too much of each other???
Hi everyone.
I've posted on here before about my relationship. I need advice again.

Basic background.
Got divorced last year after separating from my husband. Very amicable split and we are friends. Have 2 boys and there's no problems there.
Started dating my boyfriend a year ago. I known him for a few years as we work together. Weve had an amazing 12 months but now we have some problems.

Before me he was having an affair with a married woman from work. She's not a very nice person and she was having numerous othe affairs whilst she was seeing my bf. She ended it with him 3 years ago.
When we got together he assured me there was no unfinished business. She started texting him tho and it caused problems. He changed his number and blocked her on ********.

Then 6 mths in he admitted he wasn't over the affair. I was angry but he assured me he loved me and we agreed to sick together and work at it.
All seemed good till a month ago. When he admitted he had an obsession with the affair. He says he's nit obsessed with her but he was finding it hard to get over.

After some time apart we agreed to stay together. But I'm struggling. He says I'm the one! He loves me! And he wants to build a future with me. Something he has never felt before. But it feels awkward to me. I need constant reassurance and it's getting on his nerves.
All through my marriage I was never jealous of anyone. It's never been in my mature before. But now I see everyone including this woman as a potential threat. I feel inadequate and I'm constantly looking for problems. And this gets him down too.
I'm killing our relationship with my worries.
He says that I should know he loves me and that's all that should matter but it doesn't work that way for me.
I need to feel wanted and that I'm the only woman in his world. Is that totally insecure of me?
I ended it with him last night but within 2 hours we were back together.
During our row he told me that we see too much of each other and he needs space to focus on his hobbies (he makes music and paints) I thought we spent the right amount of time together.
We don't live together and hardly see each other at work. We spend about 3 nights a week together. Apparently this is too much.
Previous to all this I would have relished time apart cos I like to see my friends too but knowing he has issues with his past makes me need to see him more. I suppose I need reassurance now more than I ever have. He feels like he's walking in egg shells with me.
I have taken his resist to see less of each other as a subtle hint that he's not as in to this relationship as I am.

Please be honest. Am I being too needy? Or am I within my rights to say 'yeah I need you around more at the moment since you told me this stuff'.
I've never felt so confused in my life. I love him dearly and I know he loves me but honestly, am I flogging a dead horse here?

amknight12 03-08-2012 06:40 AM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
I hate to say this but your gut is probably right. It was a hint that he is not taking this as serious as you are. You have choices... you can put up with it or move on. But ask yourself, do you really want a committed relationship with a man that was bedding a married woman?

rosequartz 03-08-2012 06:56 AM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
you can't trust him, and rightfully so.....he doesn't have a whole lot of integrity.....your gut knows what to do.....listen to it

redbag1 03-08-2012 06:56 AM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
Hi. And thanks for your reply.

I've often thought about that point exactly. Im amazed he did bed her to be honest. And he hates himself for doing it. Thats why he's having such a hard time getting over it. He says the affair was the darkest time in his life, that he was depressed and at points suicidal. This woman is very good at what he does and he's one in a long line of younger men she has bedded from work.
He says he's learnt from it and wouldn't ever want to be in that position again.
He is so honest with me, sometimes far too honest. And he says the reason he wants us to see less of each other is for the good of 'us'.
All I know is that I love being around him and that I kind of need him more at the moment but he doesn't get that. Obviously i don't want to feel like I'm mithering or pushing myself on him tho. We have holidays booked for this year and he talks about the future lots. All positive points. But I can't shake this feeling I have. Help! X

solofelix 03-08-2012 07:01 AM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
I think he does love you but because of your insecurities you are driving a wedge between you and him.
Take up some new hobbies and see more of your friends and see if he will come running when he sees you are occupied with other things apart from him.
Hope it works out for you,


scubadiver637 03-09-2012 09:51 PM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
Try to get the other girl's contact number and meet her and talk with her. If your boyfriend has been less than forthcoming with you, then your decision will be much clearer.

redbag1 03-29-2012 01:16 AM

Re: Do we see too much of each other???
[QUOTE=scubadiver637;4942012]Try to get the other girl's contact number and meet her and talk with her. If your boyfriend has been less than forthcoming with you, then your decision will be much clearer.[/QUOTE]

Hi there. Thanks for all the great advice. I spoke to this woman yesterday. She says they've had no contact since about a year before we got together apart from a couple of texts she sent him but he never replied.
He had told me that the affair was purely sex. That they never met up or spent the whole night together. She told me yesterday that they would meet up in town for drinks and that she stayed over at his house sometimes. So now I'm thinking he's lied to me. Why be honest enough to tell me he was struggling to get over her, and make out it's cos he wanted to be honest but then still be lying to me.
She has no interest in him anymore and actually quite dislikes him cos of how he behaved during the break up. He had threatened to send pics to her husband.

She says she wants him to get on with his life cos she's getting on with hers. I actually believe her. At least she's been honest enough to tell me how it is.
So now I have some major decisions to make. He seems ready to settle with me. He's making plans for the future with me and I'm suddenly feeling unsure of everything. Honesty is so important to me and I'm not sure I'm getting it. Thoughts anyone x

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