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    Old 03-20-2012, 08:32 AM   #1
    redflagmagnet
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    in a mess

    had a BF move in with me 3 yrs ago, he hasn't been living up to expectations AT ALL and i've told him, he continues on doing what he's doing, messing up my house, not picking up after himself, always broke, although he works.....
    he buys groceries, doesn't pay rent or any other utilities, and sometimes is short of money and needs to borrow money for gas, etc. All this might be fine except for the fact that he's got a real bad attitude, he's passive aggressive and does everything 1/2 way, intentional inefficiency......
    so been thinking about giving him the boot for some time now, just not sure how because he won't have anywhere to go, but he's not making me happy....decided to look up an old friend from 35 yrs ago, someone I was nuts about before, and got back in touch. Went out for pizza on Fri and really really enjoyed his company. We kissed a little, held hands, were affectionate and it felt really really good. I know i'm playing with fire, but it felt so comfortable, almost like we could pick up where we left off years ago. I'm excited, feeling anticipation about talking to him, seeing him etc. He is also handy, can fix things, which my current BF is NOT.....and I could use this guys help with quite a bit. I
    meanwhile BF ended up in the hospital Fri nite with a problem with his ankle, and still wanted me to go out and get together with "my old friends". I had told him I was getting together with this guy and his sister.....
    so i went and had fun and now i'm not sure what to do.....
    wanted to get rid of BF before due to his bad behavior, and now feeling bad because he's in the hospital, but not sure about the new guy either.
    i know it's best to take it slow, and get rid of one because of HIM, not because of another guy......
    any advice?

    Last edited by redflagmagnet; 03-20-2012 at 08:35 AM.

     
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    Old 03-20-2012, 08:49 AM   #2
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    Re: in a mess

    You already know the right response, good for you!!! You have to end your present relationship before you continue with this new one. Also keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side...it's certainly possible that three years from now, this new guy won't be that great either, only he will have disappointed you in different ways.
    The timing is up to you, but if you don't want to be with your present boyfriend anymore, he needs to know.

    best wishes, Sue

     
    Old 03-20-2012, 08:55 AM   #3
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    Re: in a mess

    knowing it and putting it into action are 2 diff things
    plus feeling guilty about kicking the guy when he's down
    how do i tell the BF that i don't want to do this anymore?
    i dont have a lot of practice breaking up with someone because i'm usually the one that gets dumped, plus i hate to hurt someone.....that's the co-dependent in me....

     
    Old 03-20-2012, 08:59 AM   #4
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    Re: in a mess

    and here's another thing.....when out for pizza on fri with the new (one from my past) guy, somehow in conversation it came up that he pays for prostitutes and that threw me.....I said why, and he said why not, you end up paying one way or another......so that was very off-putting to me, but i held in my surprise/shock because i didn't want him to shut down and be afraid to tell me things. That's just not sitting well with me, and i would like to ask more about it without looking like i'm judging him, and also what right do i have to be upset about that, I'm living with a guy, although the relationship is more like a room mate.....

     
    Old 03-20-2012, 10:55 AM   #5
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    Re: in a mess

    First of all, yes, it's time to ditch the lazy boyfriend who isnt carrying his weight. Whether or not he has anywhere to go is not your problem. He is clearly an unmotivated sad sack and it doesn't look like that's going to change anytime soon. So, lose the dead weight and do it soon.

    Secondly, as for the other guy, you should not get involved with him either. Just because he is showing you some attention doesn't mean he is the right guy for you. The OnLY reason why you're so interested in him right now at this moment is because he is giving you something that your bf is not. If this other guy wasn't there, you wouldn't even be thinking about him. The fact that he admitted to you that he is sleeping with prostitutes should be your clue that he is really bad news. Why would you even consider being with a guy like that? Can you say STD factory? He can go get tested all he wants but I can guarantee that after being with multiple women like that, he is a carrier for HPV for which there is no test for a man and which causes cervical cancer in women. I would stay as far away from that germ factory as I could. He is NOT the answer to your happiness!

    Right now the best thing you could do is spend some time alone to figure our why you keep settling for guys who are clearly all wrong for you. You need to learn to know yourself and love yourself outside the context of a relationship so you can be a better partner to someone and so you can spot red flags early on so you don't waste time with more losers as you have been up to now. That's what you should be doing.

     
    Old 03-20-2012, 09:10 PM   #6
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    Re: in a mess

    Get rid of both and give yourself some time on your own for a while. Going from one relationship straight into another is never a good idea.

     
    Old 03-21-2012, 05:32 AM   #7
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    Re: in a mess

    Once I heard prostitute on a first date, I would have been running. Be single for awhile.
    __________________
    "There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

     
    Old 03-21-2012, 08:58 AM   #8
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    Re: in a mess

    partially true.....he is giving me something my BF is not, but I was the one who looked him up....just thought of people from my past, and was searching online. I always liked him, so thought why not.....so i tracked him down. So I must have been thinking about him to try to find him. We were great friends in the past, really liked each other. Of course I would be protected, I wouldn't take chances, but we're not even to the point yet of thinking about that....
    it seems when i mentioned the paying for relations, that was the nail in the coffin......what if I didn't mention that, what would your responses be?
    i know i should spend some time alone, i enjoy my time alone, and miss it....i'm not afraid to be alone, i'm just thinking of re-connecting with an old flame who was special to me......if i got rid of the sad-sack, i would just enjoy being by myself and not pursue a relationship, if I hadn't contacted the other guy. I'm not going to rush into anything with him. Should i try to ask him more details about the situation?

     
    Old 03-21-2012, 09:41 AM   #9
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    Re: in a mess

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by redflagmagnet View Post
    what if I didn't mention that, what would your responses be?
    That's totally irrelevant because the cat's out of the bag and you know about it. You can't un-ring a bell, what's done is done as asking "what if" is a waste of everyone's time.

    Just a side note, with HPV, even if you use a condom, you can still get it. The fact that he has been with a lot of women who have in turn been with a lot of men makes it certain that he is carrying HPV. There is no test for men to see if they have it but the more partners he has (and that his partner has had), the more highly likely it is that he is a carrier. The only way not to get it is to not have sex with him. But since he has been with prostitutes why would you want to be with him anyway?

    I'm serious here, think about it. What possible reason would you want to ever be in a relationship with a guy who admitted to you that he has slept with multiple prostitutes? I'm serious, what kind of guy does that? That says to me that he is very promiscuous and probably has a sex addiction, he may be desperate because no one else wants to date him cause of his sex addiction, and besides which even though you're having problems with your current bf-you're still currenty in a relationship but he was kissing you and all over you anyway! This guy has ZERO integrity, he is a dog, and you're a lot better off alone than with someone like him!! Don't do it, or else you'll be sorry.

    Last edited by Kszan; 03-21-2012 at 09:45 AM.

     
    Old 03-21-2012, 09:56 AM   #10
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    Re: in a mess

    kzan i don't know if it's multiple women or a single woman....but yes that could be irrelevant, because it only takes one....but for that matter, even if he had never been with anyone except his wife, he could still have something....but he was married for 25 years and never cheated on her. He's been divorced for probably 5 years now, so that activity has been after his marriage. I had hpv over 25 years ago and I believe I got it from my husband (at the time), and it was treated with cryosurgery, and i haven't had a problem since......and i'm pretty sure that a condom will protect against hpv
    he was kissing me gently, not pushing things, he wasn't all over me......
    we liked each other a long time ago and had good feelings and i just wanted to see if things could be good again....i'm not rushing into anything.
    I think he was with the prostitutes because he didn't have a girlfriend, not that he would prefer a prostitute over a girlfriend.....

     
    Old 03-21-2012, 01:50 PM   #11
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    Re: in a mess

    if it were me, I would sure want more information about the prostitutes before getting in too deep. Also, don't get ahead of yourself, take if slow and get to know him. You might not even like him anymore. But you need to get rid of the dead weight first.

     
    Old 03-22-2012, 06:27 AM   #12
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    Re: in a mess

    Agreed, you need to ditch your bf. Not sure about the other guy. Plenty of guys visit prostitutes but rarely make it known in public. Any guys on here want to comment?

     
    Old 03-22-2012, 06:33 AM   #13
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    Re: in a mess

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
    Agreed, you need to ditch your bf. Not sure about the other guy. Plenty of guys visit prostitutes but rarely make it known in public. Any guys on here want to comment?
    haha, yeah i've never known too many guys to brag about it.
    would love to hear a guys opinion......i'm wondering if because he's doing that he might view women as objects and not real people, but it was so comfortable with him, like we really connected

    Last edited by Administrator; 03-23-2012 at 09:21 AM.

     
    Old 03-22-2012, 06:34 AM   #14
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    Re: in a mess

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by redflagmagnet View Post
    i'm wondering if because he's doing that he might view women as objects and not real people, but it was so comfortable with him, like we really connected
    I don't think men who use those services view women as objects. They have a 'need' and it's just a service. Doesn't mean they don't see women as objects. After all, didn't you say he was married for years? He's had relationships, it seems.

     
    Old 03-22-2012, 06:41 AM   #15
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    Re: in a mess

    yes he was married for about 25 years

     
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