Fallen out of love with my husband

Agenda

Are you sure you have fallen out of love with him, or do you just need more out of the relationship. You have 3 children who are going to be upset if you break up and to stop yourself feeling guilty you need to really try and see can you make your marriage work. Have you tried talking to your husband, I believe that there are very few marraiges who do not hit a bad patch. With work some can get back on track.

captjane

bettybee, it's no too late for your marriage. When the kids come a lot of your energy and focus goes on them, for your husband his energy and focus may be on making sure he can provide for his growing family. You just need to make the effort to focus on each other more and make the effort to reconnect by talking to each other, taking more of an interest in each other, making the effort to be more affectionate outside of sex etc. Maybe your husband feels like after the kids came along he became invisible and doesn't get much of your attention so has withdrawn because of that, and you in turn just shut off more to him.

"I constantly think about the possible struggles with my husband and his mental condition."

when you are married IMO, these are the times when you dig in and support each other, not walk away because it might be hard. You get in there and do what it takes to get through it and working together when there are big issues brings you much closer together. Marriages don't just magically work out, every married couple goes through tough times so if a person bails when the going gets tough, every marriage will end sooner or later.

I think you should try counselling as a couple with a therapist who also works with mental illnesses so that you can try and work through some of these issues. I'm assuming your husband is getting therapy for bipolar, so you may be able to arrange some appointments where the two of you are present to discuss some of the fears you have about it with someone who has experience with it so that you have a better idea of what to expect and just talk about your concerns.

Belly Kelly

I agree with the other posters. When you have kids, you stop focusing on each other and spend so much time on the kids. I highly suggest an over night mini getaway if you can swing it, or having date night at least once a week so you can reconnect.

My son is 5 years old now and I finally feel like my husband and I are able to reconnect on a more fun level after all these years. However, now we have twins on the way and I realize we are going to have to work even harder on our marriage and our family.

Don't give up, this is what it means to be married. It IS a lot of hard work.

__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

feelingdepleted

This should be a huge consideration and I quote, "I have an emotional connection with a man at work and it has swayed my attitude about my relationship." Of course that statement caught my attention because I have been there myself, regrettably so. It is very easy for this man to be supportive because at the end of the day he does not suffer the ramifications that may affect the lives of you and your children. I would remove this man from the equation of your marriage completely. If he is a true friend, he will understand that this is a marital issue between you and your husband.
I know it is easier said than done because it sounds like your coworker is filling a void at the moment. However the void is so much deeper once a family has been broken when it could have possibly been saved.

Betty Bee

I have cut off any personal communication with my co worker. It's been difficult and lonely to say the least. I do have feelings for himm still but I realize I can't throw away 7 years of marriage. I think of what divorce would do to my children and it kills me. My husband and i are going to therapy together next week. In the meantime we are tolerating each other. He is suspicious of everything I do. He is severely insecure and has trust issues and controlling behavior. I have complied with his demands over the years. He will not allow me to have my own email account, face book, and he does not want me going out with my friends. He fears I won't come back which stems from an old high school girlfriend who damaged him. So I've been living and molding into his world, I lost my sense of self and individuality.I'm upset with myself because I allowed it to happen. I have resentment towards him and now it's time for me! I'm really trying to let go of the resentment. At times I feel like my husband is more of a roommate who asks for sex once a week. The romance is gone and I'm trying to feel love for him again.

BeaTrade

Well really I don't personally think (JMHO) that it is time for "me me me", you have children to think about and when you have kids...it really all about raising your children.

__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

captjane

I agree with beatrade, once you get married and have kids you don't have the luxury of a "me" attitude anymore.

"I think of what divorce would do to my children and it kills me. "

this is one of the biggest reasons you have to do everything you can to improve your marriage, for yourself, your husband and for your kids. Divorce is incredibly hard on kids and that alone makes your marriage worth fighting for. The resentment comes from not addressing the issues, but with counseling you now have the opportunity to do that and deal with things head on like you should.

Betty Bee

You're right it's not about me, me, me. I'm not saying that's the case however what I am saying is there needs to be some kind of balance between kids, husband and doing things for yourself. Like I said I have molded myself around his life, what he wants, what he expects etc...he has kept me on a very short leash because he has so many trust issues. He tries to control everything and I have said to him I'm not a puppet.

I am trying to save my marriage, hence the therapy and cutting off communication with my co worker. My worry is that I'm afraid we won't get back to loving eachother again. I'm not questioning whether or not to stay in the marriage I'm questioning will and how will we make it work! The reason i decided to post this thread was to get input from all you married people with this kind of experience!

Kszan

I think all of the stuff you said should be thoroughly discussed in counseling. That's the great thing about marriage counseling, you can discuss all of the stuff that has been causing issues in the relationship and then get pointers from the therapist about how to handle things better in a less resentful manner.

I don't think it's right for him to be so controlling of you but I do think it's possible to work through it with the therapist. At least I think it's worth a try. It doesn't sound like you guys have tried it yet so give it a shot and see what happens.

BeaTrade

You'll never be able to fall back in love with your husband as long as you are still in love with someone else. Doesn't it only stand to reason your husband would act the way he's acting knowing that you are in love with someone else? Who could blame him for being jealous and not trusting you to go out with your friends. It would only stand to reason he'd assume you are out with this other man. I agree that counseling is much needed if this relationship is to be saved.

__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

blondee78

I'm glad that you want to work through things and seek counseling.
Have you thought about planning a date night, once per month, just about you two? Have you left notes stating how you are feeling or thanking him for being your husband or doing something nice for you? Do you have couple friends that you could spend time with so he knows and is reassured on who you are hanging out with and build that way?

Betty Bee

Beatrade--first of all I'm not in love with someone else nor have I cheated on my husband. Yes I have feelings for someone but I'm
certainly not in love!!! Ive never spent any intimate time with this person!
Also--my husband had severe trust and insecurity issues well before he met me and I've never EVER given him a reason not to trust me!! If you're going to comment regarding my situation you should read the posts because you are obviously judging me and you are definitely perceiving my situation incorrectly!

Betty Bee

As a matter of fact we are planning the date nights and therapy starts on Tuesday! Wish us luck!