HealthBoards (
-   Relationship Health (
-   -   Get off my chest (

lance887 03-28-2012 12:21 PM

Get off my chest
I have been married for 16 years. We have a total of 5 girls(2 from me from a previous marriage 23 and 21 years old and she had 2 from a prevoius marriage 21 and 17 years old and we have 1 together she is 13 and she has Lupus since 2010.

I am just having Major problem with my wife and it started back in 2004 when we were station in Colorado Springs. My wife left for Iraq and we were living on post. Well the whole time wife was in Iraq she didn't send me any support. I had all 3 kids taking them to school, working, going to school myself and doing my wife correnspondent to help her get promoted. So wife stayed over there for 15 months and when she came back she had save a good amount of money to include money she was recievied 600 dollars a month in Child Support. When wife came back we were sitting down talking about thing and my wife made it very clear that the money was her and she was the one over there and not me. So once she said that I didn't ask about it again just to maintain peace in the house hold. When I had my first back surgery my percent went from 50% to temporary 100% until I was able to go back to work. So it took the VA 4 months to start my 100% so I got a nice pay check and at that time my wife came to me and said that since she help me in my recovery that some of that money belongs to her. So since money was no issue with me I gave her half which about 2500 dollars.

About 8 months into leaving in VA my wife mother husband died in Colorado and she didn't know anyone there I told my my wife maybe it is a good ideal for her to have her mother come move here to VA and until she get on her feet she can just stay with us.(Worst thing I could have said). My mother-in-law had to 2 small dogs that I didn't like so my wife said her mother was bringing the dogs and I said no because I didn't want those dogs here, my wife came back and said her mother said if her dogs can not come then she was coming and my wife was asking me why am I being so selfish cause her mother had the dogs for awhile.

So i told her that her mother could bring one of the dogs cause the other was really old and probally could make the trip but the dog could not stay inside the house. Wife came back with her mother said that the dog has been in the house the whole time she had him so she didn't want to come here if the dog had to stay outside. Once again my wife ask me why am I being so selfish. So I then came back with the dog can come and stay inside but if I am home I don't want to see the dog. So my wife and mother got here with the dog and not even 2 days later I am looking at the dog everyday so I went to wife and ask her what was the deal about the dog when I am home. So my wife got upset with me because she had to go remind her mother who was about 51 years old at that time. So then my mother-in-law put a small chain on the front stairs so when she let the dog go take care of business she would just hook him to chain let him do his business and then she would bring him back in without cleaning. So one day I come home from work I got poop all over front yard so I go to my wife and tell her about it but it was no concern of her because she barely went out of the front door or walk on the front lawn until that one day where she was running late from work she had left something in the house and had to rush back and get it and guess what she step in poop and she got it all over the carpet from the front door to the bed room. Now she got a problem and she told her mother that she had to have carpet clean and to clean up after the dog. I thought that was the last of that until I was watching tv and my cable went off so to make a long story short was had to help her mother buy stuff that wasn't a neccessary thing and use the money that she was getting for me to take care of the bills to help her mother. Needless to say I was **** because her mother was getting at the time 1500 dollars a month from SSI.

So around 6 months after her mother was there I ask my wife when is her mother planning on looking for her own place and that when my wife stated to me that her and her mother talk about it since she had sleeping disorder and she sometimes stop breathing(later find out that most people that have that problem stop breathing because I have the same problem that why they give you a breathing machine) that she wasn't going to move out and was going to live with us. So I was like why yall didn't talk to me about it and she was like cause we are married and this is my mother so I didn't think it was no big deal. Then I ask her about what is her mother contributing to the house hold bills and she again stated that she decided that her mother did haven't to pay anything because we took care of the bills and we meaning me. So I told my wife that will not work because I am not letting no grown person stay there for free and that she would have to contrubute if she wanted to stay there.

I wasn't asking for her whole check but to contribute in some type of way. About 3 years my wife got orders to go to Hawaii so we decided to sell the house and move on post. One week after we move on post I had my 2nd major surgery. So when I got out of surgery my short term disablity kick in but it took about 3 months from the paperwork from the doctor and my going back to the job and then for the temporay 100% to kick in so I was only getting enough money to pay my car note and my insurance. So wife had to pay the bills. When we move on post my wife came to me and said since she want be getting BHA(BAsic Housing Allowance = 1467.00) that we should go half on all the bills for now on so I said that is fine. When I finally got my back pay she came to me with a break down on all the bills to include groceries where she said I owe her 3300 dollars. I was like really after the whole time I was paying the bills and she was like we made the agreement and you agreed. So I just gave her the money and I remind her of this day and that everything would be half. By the way her mother move on post with us.

Now we move to Hawaii me my wife and the my daughters and once we found us a place my wife went looking for another place for her mother her SSI had went down to 1300 dollars. She was like what ever she short on she meaning my wife would pay the difference. I said well that your choice but remember we do half on everything. So needless to say my wife was paying so much on her mother bills that she was falling behide on her truck payment and other bills where she was recieving repo letters was coming in finally she came to me and ask me could I help her now I can see her losing her truck that would put us down to 1 car and I had to go to work she had to go to work and we had to get kids to school so I help her and paid 2 out of 3 months of her truck payment but I put it on her list through. So I then had the last major back surgery where I got my SSI and became 100% on my VA. I had put in paperwork to have my va increase way back when I had my first back surgery in 2004 so when they increase me to 100% they had to back pay me from well back from 2004. So when I got that nice check from VA guess who had there hand reaching out. So I decided to give and I say give her 4000 dollars and she turn around and put it back into my account and said that was not enough for all the bills she has so I turn around and put 10,000 into her account. I also purchase her new tires and rims for her truck because she need new tires and I just threw in the rims.

I told her that I would help as much as I can but she got to help herself first and stop helping other and falling behide. So see got selected to go to Warrant Officer School so we move back and while she was in school which was 6 months me and the girls move to GA. The whole time I was in GA I didn't recieve no finiacial support fron her I pay everything and she just save money. So I ask her about it and she said I was trying to take her money from her.

We then get to Texas and to speed things I was paying wife bills for her but putting things on the list that she owe me so when she got her income tax I came to her and ask her when was she planning on paying me from some of the money she owe which was 6700 dollars and she was like I thought we were trying to start all over and here I am bring up a list so I just told her just forget about list and she don't owe me anything. Fast forward a little and when my oldest daughter got to be a senior in High school my wife just absoluetly went crazy she spent close to 6000 dollars from 1000 dress, 1000 limo cost for prom, 560 for senior picture, 1000 on cost for a graduation party and down payment for a car and I was telling her she should not do that and she was like she is a senior only once and then she ask me was I going to help and I was like I didn't do nothing like for biological kids and I am not going to do it for anyone. So she did and once again she feel behide on bills to include start to borrow money that i didn't know about. To make a long story short she is still paying for the loans. The my daughter wanted to go to school in Austion but the places for student since they didn't have a campus they had arraingment meaning the school for certain 3 bedroom and the student paid like 1500 every 3 months but my wife didn't like that she she went out looking for a 2 bedroom for her. I was like telling not a good ideal being she has never been out on her own she was like my daughter wanted this and I ask my wife who would be paying for this because I am 100% the VA pays any of my dependent almost 1000 a month for going to school so she said she would be using that. Then my wife got order to go back to Iraq and in Texas if your parent is deploy and you go to any texas affliated school it is free so I told me daughter and wife that she could go to school online for the first year while wife is in Iraq she could move with me since me and kids was moving back to Ga while she is in Iraq or move back to DC where her real dad id and she could save 1000 a month for when she do come back.

Wife came back to me and stated daughter don't want to do that she want to go to school in Austin and I was like then if that her choice then when things happen then she will basiciall be on her own she didn't know anyone in Austin I am in Ga mother in Iraq and her dad in DC. So I move back to Ga had to pay for my own uhaul to include gas, had to pack pretty much by myself and lastely my wife gave me what she wanted me to have to included sheet towels rags anything that she had physically brought with her money she said was hers even through i had started off paying the bills to now where i was paying over half of the bills she still didn't understand that it was my stuff to plus I am taking 2 of her daughter back to GA with me. I still had to do it on my own to get back to GA.

We had agree this time that she would send me 500 dollars a month. So before my wife left out for Iraq she had to take out another loan for oldest daughter because she fell behide on her rent and she had been given a eviction notice so it was even 5 months since she had move into her appartment and she had already fell behide. So needless to say the whole year wife was gone never seen the 500 dollars. While wife was in Iraq which was 2010 daughter who is 13 was dionastic with Lupus and got real sick so wife was suppose to be in Iraq for 15 months but she only was there for 12 months and she got to come home to Ga because daughter was in Hospital. Wife came in stayed in house that I was paying all the bills for 3 months and didn't pay one nickle for any of the bills and the whole time she was in iraq she had almost 1 room and half of her stuff in the house. When my wife got her income taxes in April on 2010 she said I needed some new tires and she would get them for me she recieve about 8000 in taxes and she spent every penny on her and the girls and then she told me if I go to one of those places where you pay a month for rims and tires she would pay that and I was like why you want to crate another bill needless to say I didn't get any tires. Then when we were finally able to move here I once again had to pack uhaul pay for uhaul to include all her stuff and drive it by myself which was the biggest uhaul 26 foot and a trailer with my vehicle. Then I got her to San Antonio and had to down load whole truck by myself while she and daughter with to Austin to see my oldest step daughter. So when she got her she wanted to rent this house that cost 2300 a month and because she wanted I just said we could then she said she could pay half of the rent would I be willing to pay 1700 dollars of the rent. Once again I want to at least try to make things work with us hoping she see just how much i am trying and I decided to do it. So on the 1st of June I paid a total of 2200 hundred dollars 1700 for rent and 500 for deposit and she paid 500 for rent and 500 for deposit. So then we move here and that when things start to surface that I had no clue about like the week before we move in she took out a loan for 10,000 dollars and she had her pay check which about 2600 dollars but she allowed me to pay all that amount for 4 month month and she only paid 500 dollars a month and then after I found out about that I told her we would pay half for rent. Now we have been here for 8 months and the whole graduation things is starting over again because middle step daughter is graduateing and she doing the same as with the first one. Taking out loans getting 2 months behide on truck.

My daughters don't like to hurt her feeling so if wife and I are not talking then as long as my wife is not here around but when she comes home she can of shut down on me and just talk to her mother and my middle daughter is just the same. I don't ask much from them they wash dishes every other day and cook the same time so they may cook and wash dishes 2 times a week and then we have a bathroom down stairs that my middle daughter has to clean but she don't think it is fair cause she barely uses it and I told her that she is cleaning it because I told her that is what she going to do. So my wife stated in front of daughter that she didn't think it was fair either and I was like when I am out cutting grass and yard stuff by myself it not fair cause the yard is not mines by myself so as I said she will continue to do it. Now my step daughter is very disresptful to her real dad even through he only take part in her life by sending child support so she calls him by her first name so I was talking to her and ask what happen between her and her dad and she told me and I told since you don't want to talk to him write a letter to him explaining why you are upset because as a adult you just can't run from a problem you need to make sure that person understand your feeling he may not have a clue. So she wrote a letter and my wife read it first and then I read it it was really a disrecptful letter but I wanted him to step up and let her know that she is a child and she want talk to him because he is her daddy. Needless to say he didn't say anything to my daughter but he ask my wife why he allowed her send it. My wife was like she didn't have nothing to do with that. now my daughter is trying this with me because in my house hold when you meaning the kids wake they say good morning when they leave they say they are leaving the same when they get back and then when they go to bed they say good night. So when wife and I are not talking she thinks she don't have to say it so I have to keep reminding her to what i told her so finally since she wanted to keep doing it she has a boyfriend that she is always talking him either on the phone or lab top I took it from and explain that she wants to act like a child I will treat her like a child mind you I am the one that takes her to school and pick her up.

On the weekeday I take her every place she need to go and I take her and pick her up from work sometimes 10 or 11pm. So wife told me she didn't think what I did was right and I had to explain to her that when daughter is ready to go some where she can easily text and say she is ready so I don't see what the problem.

A little about my wife is that she came from a very abrusive home. Her dad would physically and mentally abuse her and her 3 sisters and beat up on her mother. He had a son from there oldest sister. If he was home their mother could not go to sleep. If the food wasn't hot enought he would throw food on the way make them clean it up and make something else. If they left any dishes in sink he would pull all the dishes in house back in sink and make them clean everything in house. He has shot at everyone in the family. They couldn't have any friends and if they wasn't home after school by a certain time they would get beaten. All this was told to me by the mother. So when wife and I briefly talk about it she said that she would never let no man do her like her dad did her mother. Didn't never think about that until now. I have done nothing but support my wife and in return I get nothing. I try to talk to her and she tunes me out or if I tell her things that I want her to do that she doesn't her thing is she say I am trying to tell her that she a bad wife. She is always yelling at me and the kids manly me and I be telling her to not yell at me I am having a conversaation with her and then she respond if you don't like me talking this way then don't say anything to her cause that is how she talk so I just shut down because all this yelling and i am not yelling and you saying that is the way you talk and I tell her to lower her voice then because your tone is a lot lounder than i am talking to you.

So now when the lease is over on 30 May I am planing on moving into my own place and we just have joint custody of my daughter cause that is the only reason why I am even staying Texas because of my daughter.

Little about me I have done thing in the relationship that I am not proud of. When I was dealing with my mother-in-law and I just felt like I was a hostage in my own house. I didn't want to be there and so I ended up talking to the a lady that I work with she was also having problem at home and we became best friend. we never had any sex but picture was shared that we should not had shared. Wife found out and since I wrong I told friend that we could not talk or see each other because I wanted my marriage work so we stop talking but I am pretty sure if we would have continue to talk we would had sex and this is not saying what I done was right but this lady could listen to me and let me see whateever i had to say would judge me. When i was with her I was happy and didn't have to worry about nastyness or yelling just peace and then when i got home I would come back to this hell so I just started to hang out later until I knew she was sleep and then didn't have to worry about it. Now I am feeling the same way as I did back then. I bowl and bowl and bowl just to stay away from the house. This time there isn't another woman to chat with so I just have all this thoughts that I want to get off my chest.

I think I am going to have to have another surgery and I am having a lot of stomach problem. I feel the weight of the whole world is on my shoulder.

My question to anyone that read this long message is I have talk to 2 of my friends back home and they problaly bias because they are my friends but am I right for feeling like this and when I do move out should I make her give me anything as for as money wise since I am entitle to 700 dollars from her since I am her dependant. what about my stedaughters should I take them off of my dependant list where they want get the 1000 dollars since they don't think they need to have a relationship with me?

Thank you for listening

slenderella 04-07-2012 05:52 AM

Re: Get off my chest
I totally agree with your friends, you are RIGHT to feel the way you do. Totally right.
I'm sorry for all of your emotional and physical pain.

blessings, Sue

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:56 AM.