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  • Totally at a loss, no way out, can't make him happy

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    Old 03-28-2012, 11:14 PM   #1
    sadsack11
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    Totally at a loss, no way out, can't make him happy

    Hi,

    I'm writing because I have no other way of obtaining an outside perspective on this.
    My boyfriend is depressed. He is depressed because he can't find a job, his friends have moved away, he has epilepsy and other medical conditions and he uses drugs to escape all of these problems and then in turn is depressed about that.

    I am at a loss. I try to help by talking about it or by suggesting courses of action or by giving my opinion or by just doing small gestures such as cooking for him or taking him out somewhere nice.

    We've settled on separation a few times, he always follows this by telling me that he loves me which leaves me in total disarray and we subsequently usually get back together.

    When we see each other I get nervous because he always seems so down and unenthusiastic. There's a sense that he doesn't tell me things because 'I won't understand.' I actually feel as though he hates me. And yet he tells me I'm crazy for doing so.

    The stress of it all is actually giving me health problems, I can't eat. Consequently, I'm not doing that well at uni. I also don't feel like I'm able to talk to anyone about it because he would see that as betrayal or take the stance of 'why didn't you just talk to me.'

    I love him. there are times when we are so happy together. I try so hard.

    Recently, if he is in a bad mood (often) I will get upset due to the way he treats me. I will get upset and he will get angry because he says I revert the situation back to me - 'not everything is about me.'

    I don't actually know what to do, how to make him happy. I feel horrible, and guilty and stupid and worthless (but here, again, he would say that 'it's not about me or how i feel).

    I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore and I feel like I will experience as much pain in continuing the relationship as I would if I ended it. I still have hope and energy, and so also I don't want to end it.

    What are your thoughts?

     
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    Old 03-29-2012, 12:00 AM   #2
    captjane
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    Re: Totally at a loss, no way out, can't make him happy

    "Recently, if he is in a bad mood (often) I will get upset due to the way he treats me. I will get upset and he will get angry because he says I revert the situation back to me - 'not everything is about me.'"

    no his behaviour is probably not about you, more to do with his depression but it certainly *affects* you because it affects his behaviour, but it's not an excuse by any means, if depression is having those sorts of affects on his life and how he treats those around him then he needs to take action about it.

    "I don't actually know what to do, how to make him happy."

    You can't make some one happy or fix them, especially when depression is involved, that has to come from within. He really needs to get some professional help and stop using drugs to deal with things and being self destructive, that isn't the answer and will only make things worse.

    I think the only way you can make this work is if he starts doing something proactive about his problems (getting counseling, getting on medication etc.) because right now he's so immersed in his own feelings and negativity, that there isn't much room in his world for you right now, but unless he starts taking steps to do something positive to get out of this then nothing will change for him. You can be his friend, but you can't be his saviour and give him what he needs which comes down to proper treatment.

     
    Old 03-29-2012, 02:41 AM   #3
    Seraph
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    Re: Totally at a loss, no way out, can't make him happy

    You do need to talk to somebody, preferably a professional. Living with and supporting a person with untreated depression is not usually something you can cope with on your own. Counseling will help you to deal with your part of the relationship, and learn how to support him without making yourself ill. There are also many good books around on this subject. I think your first step will be to set boundaries between your stuff and his stuff. His behavior when he is depressed is his stuff, do not try to fix him. Cheers, Sera

     
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