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rubyred716 04-06-2012 09:29 PM

Am i overreacting????
Hi everyone,

Im 25 and my boyfriend is 26. Weve been living together for 8 months now. He visited me at work today and one of the women who work there was saying how she is fostering an english bulldog. My boyfriend always wanted an english bulldog. Right now we live in a 1 bedroom apt., and we have 1 dog and 2 cats. I've had my dog for 6 years already, and he wanted the cats which we got within the past year. (they were his idea). Anyway, he said " Oh can we get her?" I love english bulldogs." I simply said, "Well we will have to see how Cocoa (my dog) is with her, since Cocoa has been the only dog for 6 years. And we also have to ask the landlord if we can have another dog. I really don't want another animal, we don't have the space for it." So the woman said, 'Ill let you guys talk it out.. im not getting the middle."

So when she left, he said to me "you're a [deleted]. you always go against what i say in life. i hate you." I texted him and I explained that I didn't do anything wrong.. He blindsided me. We're in a relationship and we need to discuss things like that. Not just say, oh hey lets get a dog!

So he responded with- he cant take me anymore.. all i responded with was negative answers, i hurt his feelings, he cant stand me, [deleted], the only reason why i dont want the dog is cuz of my dog, called me a jerk, shut his phone off for 3 years, hung out at his friends and told me not to go there, ignored my calls etc.

I tried calling him and asked him what his problem was and that he needs to grow up and is being so dramatic... He called me a freak and a nut cuz i was blowing up his phone.. then he says he's over what happened and he simply just asked me to leave him alone.. but how do i leave him alone while being treated like that?

When I called him when I was at work still, he said "I hope you die whereever you drive to on the way home." ... like who says that? I said to him that words hurt, and if you say things to someone like that they don't just forget about it quickly. He said " you hurt my feelings first and im sosrry i acted in reaction to the hurt feelings."

Idk what to do with this... Cuz if i say to him that I dont wanna talk to him and im mad at him, he will say " then break up with me then. theres no point in arguing about this forever." so i dont know what to do

captjane 04-07-2012 02:07 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
I think you are being completely sensible wanting to discuss it properly because this dog is already being rehomed and it deserves more consideration than being taken on a whim. Things like, do you have a suitable home right now, enough space, enough time for exercise, enough money for food and vet bills etc, is your bf going to be committed to this animal for the rest of its life or is he going to get rid of it on a whim also when he realises the dog may have problem behavious, the dog gets sick and needs an operation etc because he didn't think it through.

The way he is acting though is not how a mature adult behaves. Of course you need to discuss things like this when you are in a couple and his reaction is pretty bizarre to say the least but there's obviously something much deeper going on here. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you like that when you disagree on things? Because behaving that way, and saying those hateful things is just unacceptable and IMO abusive, and then he runs away to hang out with his friends instead of talking to you and sorting things out? If my DH behaved like that and said those type of hateful things to me, he would find his belongings sitting on kerb when he decided to eventually come home.

Kszan 04-07-2012 04:56 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
And you're with this guy why, exactly? He is really mean and for him to say those things is so completely and totally unacceptable that you need to stop this right now. He tells you to break up with him then say fine, and leave. Pack up your stuff and go. Why would any sane person stay in a relationship with someone who is so majorly verbally abusive like that guy? What's in it for you, besides a verbal beat down? There's literally no point in staying with him after this. None. Get your stuff, take your dog and move out. Change your number and block his email. End of story. Don't ever let someone talk to you that way! It's completeg and totally unacceptable!

slenderella 04-07-2012 06:38 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
Trust your gut, sweetheart. You are TOTALLY correct in how you are feeling about your dog and this new dog. In your heart of hearts, you are also totally right to wonder if this is the boy (he certainly does not sound like a man) for you. My answer, if you were my daughter? The answer is no. You deserve better. In my opinion he sounds like a coward, WANTING you to break up with him so that you can look like "the bad guy". I say, do it.
I bet you will thank me in the months to come. To have ANYONE wish death on you...."words hurt" is putting it very mildly. That's just sick, no matter HOW hurt he is.

bless you, Sue

Belly Kelly 04-07-2012 06:53 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
Agreed, it is very important to talk about. But you are also smart in being cautious. I noticed the one thing that wasn't mentioned was the expense associated with a bulldog. My brother and SIL have one and she has sooooo many health problems. I mean, she has cost them so much money in vet bills. Bulldogs are known for having many health problems. I listen to a certain radio personality on satellite radio and he and his wife also have a bulldog. He talks all the time about his dog is always having problems and at the vet. He specifically said that he feels sorry for the breed and thinks they should stop breeding bulldogs b/c they are known to have so many problems.

Just the expense is something to think about. But maybe you can say something to your Landlord first about it, because he or she may say "no way," you can't have another dog in your place, and therefore, this issue would be considered dead.

But other than that, any man who talked to me that way would be booted. In the 12 years I have been with my husband, he has never told me he wishes I were dead (and vice versa). That is abusive language and you should be weary of living with someone like that...or even planning a future with someone like that.

daisymae55 04-07-2012 08:01 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
I'm guessing you are used to his name-calling, threats & immaturity to some degree. Your partner seems to have no filter in how he speaks to you and I'm guessing this is a long-time pattern for him and it's likely a pattern that you have come to tolerate & tacitly accept.

The dog is surely an emotional, hot-button issue and I agree with your take 100%. But ultimately this is not about the dog, but how you both communicate & negotiate & problem-solve as partners. When cooler heads prevail maybe you can together set some ground rules in how to "fight fair," ie no name calling, no threats, no running away, etc., etc.

Good luck!

IamAandD 04-07-2012 11:16 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
You are not overreacting; it definitely has nothing to do with the dog. Has he always treated you this way or just recently?

If he has always treated you like this you should leave. If he has only treated you this way recently then I think there is some unresolved problems in your relationship that he has not expressed to you, so his anger and frustration maybe coming out through his actions. My mate has done this to me. When my mate was unhappy and felt like I was not meeting his needs or he needed more from me, instead of expressing these things to me, he turned into a complete jerk. He told me if he had told me how he really felt, I probably would have never spoke to him again or left him so, instead he bottled everything up inside, to spare my feelings.

However, he was still hurting me because everything he bottled up inside was coming out through his face expressions, and his attitude toward me, he became nasty and numb, he would get ticked off at the slightest thing. He even began to refer to women as B’s, and say things that he would never say before. I told him that I did not like his attitude and why he was talking like that, but at the time he did not care.

I told him it was only a matter of time before he starts to talk to me like that because he was getting ticked off at people for the slightest things and would say nasty things about them. Then I told him when I am mad at him I never curse him out, yeah I be upset, but I never mumbled nasty things under my breath or thought of cursing him out , I loved and respected him too much to do that. Then he said we are different, and that’s when I knew he was losing his respect for me because that was evidence that he was either mumbling nasty things about me or thinking them but would not say them out loud.

Although we have moved passed this, I still look back and say to myself and I even told him, that he hurt me tens times worst then I ever hurt him and, that he made our problems worst then what they was because he caused more damage to our relationship.

Kszan 04-07-2012 01:58 PM

Re: Am i overreacting????
Ruby you've posted here a lot about this guy and none of it has been positive. He was in love with your male cousin, texting one of your other girl cousins all night long, told some other girl they were soul mates and basically has treated you like a doormat for your whole relationship. And you've allowed it to continue. I'm not sure what you want us to do since you don't want to leave him (which is what you should do), so what is it that you want us to tell you?

It's not going to get better, it's going to keep getting worse. It already has been getting worse all along and now he is telling you that he wants you to die in a car crash? Really? And you still want to stay with this jerk? He is such a jerk and it really makes me wonder why you insist on staying with him? He serves no purpose in your life other than as an abuser, that's it. What could you possibly gain from this?

rubyred716 04-09-2012 10:37 PM

Re: Am i overreacting????
This isn't the first time he talks nasty though.. I don't know b/c he usually apologizes and says that he will try not to but it just comes out because "thats the only way he can get my attention, and that's the only way ill learn." He says if we get into an argument I keep going and going and I don't give him his space when he says leave me alone and then he starts the name calling b/c he doesn't know what else to do. But everything has been so good, better and better actually. We don't always fight, but I think I'm going to tell him that I really can't take it anymore and that words hurt, even though he doesn't think it's a big deal. He always says, "who cares, you know I don't mean it, stop taking everything to heart and acting like a child about it. You can never get over things and always harp on every little thing." But I'm gunna tell him no more or else I'm gone. There's no physical abuse or anything, if there was then I would've been out already. Thanks for the advice guys.. I'm gunna have a harsh talk with him tomorrow about it. You all are right.

rosequartz 04-10-2012 08:07 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
[QUOTE=rubyred716;4958734]it just comes out because "thats the only way he can get my attention, and that's the only way ill learn." [/QUOTE]

he sounds like he's trying to train you like a dog.....
i hope you have that talk with him and show him the it.

Larrylou'smom 04-10-2012 09:59 AM

Re: Am i overreacting????
It's funny that he says YOU act like a child, when all you want to do is discuss taking on a pretty serious, expensive and long-term responsibility, and he says "I hate you." THAT is something a child says to his parents when they don't let him stay up late or something.

I think if it will satisfy you to know that you did everything you could to make this relationship work, then go ahead and have a talk with him. Personally, i feel it's kind of past the talking stage, and that like he says, this is just who he is, and he won't really be interested in your nagging him about it any further. I think he's just an emotional child and he's just not the right guy for you. But you need to ease your mind for yourself, and if that means talking it out with him one last time, then that's what you've got to do. I guess my only advice would be to not put TOO much more time and energy into this relationship. It just really doesn't sound worth it.

mistycloud 04-15-2012 04:41 PM

Re: Am i overreacting????
Are you overreacting? HA! No, it sounds like he is the one who is overreacting!! I agree that you should discuss taking a dog together before it happens, there are many things to consider, especially, since you already have other pets and you live in an apartment!

Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend did not want to be in a relationship with you so he picked a fight over something silly, made you out to be a bad guy, and then said he wanted a break up. It's a red flag.

You sound reasonable and level-headed, you should find a boyfriend who is the same!

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