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    Old 04-18-2012, 10:44 AM   #1
    chipsmom
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    Unhappy Boyfriend's adult children

    My boyfriend and I recently became engaged, after dating and living together for 8 years. He has three adult children from his first marriage.

    His youngest child, who's 26, acts more like his wife than his daughter. She is constantly hanging on him (especially in public), calls him repeatedly throughout the day to tell him she loves him, shows up when we're on a date - or even out with our friends - and she either hangs on my boyfriend, sits on his lap, or (worse) hangs on all his male friends, to the point where many of the wives/girlfriends don't want her coming around us anymore. Nor will she let any female talk to him. She wedges herself between her father and any other woman in the room.

    I never understood why she doesn't really have any friends of her own age, and why she wants to hang around with a bunch of older people, including her own father.

    For years, I've been keeping all this bottled inside, hoping that she'll eventually grow up. She lives in a house that my boyfriend owns, she works for my boyfriend (he owns a business), and I see no prospects for a bright future for her. He is constantly giving her money and buying her things, like cars and phone and her health insurance.

    Last year, I tried to tell him how I feel: that I'm concerned for her future, I am concerned that she'll never form a healthy relationship for herself, and that she needs to get her own life and a career that's her own. He listened to everything I had to say, and he apologized and said he feels guilty for putting his kids through a divorce twelve years ago. He said he realizes he "goes overboard" with her. I also told him that they act more like boyfriend and girlfriend than we do, and he apologized over and over. He said he has to act that way with her because she gets "angry" if anyone finds him attractive (including me). I find that bizarre, because if someone found my father attractive, I would probably be flattered, not angry.

    Anyhow, for a few months, I saw an improvement, but now it's worse than ever.

    About six months ago, I met someone at work that I became interested in. I began an affair, and my boyfriend found out. I broke off my affair, my boyfriend and I tried to work things out, and he gave me a ring a few months ago when I told him I'm tired of not being a priority in his life.

    After we got engaged, he had to go and sit with his daughter, one-on-one, and tell her the news of our engagement , and she did not take it well. She tried to talk him out of it, reminding him how horrible his divorce was with her mother (who, by the way, she's very close to).

    Since we've become engaged, his daughter is worse than ever. I don't know if I should just break this off for good. It sickens me to lose him, but I don't know what else to do. I just got hung up by him, because she was calling on the line and he can't keep her waiting or she'll get angry and start swearing at him.

    I had an affair at work, I think, because this guy was telling me all kinds of stuff I needed to hear. My boyfriend doesn't talk about anything but his daughter, and I guess I got tired of hearing about her 24 hours a day.

    I don't want to lose him, but I just don't know what to do at this point. I am very sad. We've been together for 8 years and I can't imagine my life without him. I just want her to grow up, or move away, or get her own life. I would be a lot more understanding if she was a child, or a teenager. Does anyone think she'll ever become independent? I don't know if I should keep waiting. A few of our friends have asked me to ask my boyfriend to not have his daughter come around us anymore, but I don't know how to tell him this without embarrassing him.

     
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    Old 04-18-2012, 12:46 PM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    I think you answered your own question. He hasn't gotten over the guilt of the divorce and his youngest daughter hasn't let him move on. That whole situation is so weird that personally I would not want to be involved with that. If it were me, I'd cut him loose. You can wait around another 7-8 years but I think you'll be in the same position being just as aggravated about the situation. He can't be all that great if he has such a bizarre relationship with his daughter.

     
    Old 04-18-2012, 05:23 PM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    you don't need a crystal ball to see your future..eight years from now you will still be dealing with this stuff. If he hasn't done anything constructive by now he never will. If you feel he is worth the hassle, then hang on but, personally, I think it sounds like just too much trouble.

     
    Old 04-18-2012, 05:35 PM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    What a frustrating situation this must be for you and quite frankly, she is too old to still be daddy's little princess! I totally agree with you that she should be living her own life by now and not behaving this way but your bf has encouraged this obviously. You need to sit down and talk to him and give him an ultimatum that this HAS to change or the engagement is off, this is ridiculous to be competing with her for his attention like this, and really I think it's very unhealthy for her to be so attached to him in this way at her age. Your bf is obviously getting a lot out of this though, her affection, jealousy etc probably makes him feel special and from all you've said he is enabling her to stay a child instead of growing up. He is the only one who can stop this and if he doesn't, then this is just going to continue to be a real wedge between you.

     
    Old 04-19-2012, 12:27 PM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    I'm going to be blunt here, and please don't take this the wrong way, and I of course could be wrong, but this sort of sounds like there may be some kind of sexual abuse at some point in her past. I'm NOT saying it was necessarily him, maybe a teacher, an uncle or something. But she is unable to relate to men, even much older men, in a way that is not sexual. And 26 years old is simply too old for her to be sitting on his lap. Their relationship sounds sexualized, and your boyfriend, even if he isn't the one who caused it, he is enabling it. She should be in therapy, and he should be encouraging her to be more grown up, more independent and more appropriate with him and his friends. Instead, he's encouraging her to continue to behave the way she has been. Like I said, I could be way off base, here, but there has to be some reason why she thinks this is how a girl should behave with her father and her father's friends.

    In any case, it seems he's more worried about making her angry than he is worried about losing you. That's a shame. He's doing her no favors by indulging her when he should be getting her some help. I know you've invested 8 years in this relationship, but you really have to consider and think long and hard as to whether that alone is a good enough reason to stay for the rest of your life having this guy's daughter be his first, most important girlfriend, embarrassing you in front of all your friends and co-workers, family, etc. by having her behave so inappropriately and him letting her, and always coming in second to her or third behind her and her mother. The only thing worse than wasting 8 years on a relationship that ends, or should end, is wasting 8 years and one day.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 04-19-2012 at 12:29 PM.

     
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    Old 04-20-2012, 08:47 AM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    No offense taken whatsoever. I have considered the sexual abuse angle of this, as well. My boyfriend's other daughter (who's 30, and has 6 kids with several different men, who we haven't heard from in several years, and is constantly in trouble with the law) acted the same way with people...very sexual. I was kind of thinking they BOTH may have been sexually abused. They're both very promiscuous, inappropriate, loud, bossy and obnoxious.

    My boyfriend's ex-wife is an alcoholic. She is constantly in-and-out of rehab, and she, supposedly, spent their whole marriage either drunk, or passed out in bed, so my boyfriend raised his kids, for the most part. He did tell me a few times that he feels bad that they never really had a mother, and he thinks that's the reason they act the way do. I used to believe it was all his ex-wife's fault, but now I'm not so sure. I do think he's an enabler, and I know he feels guilty about the divorce, and his other daughter is a criminal and is constantly missing, so I think he goes overboard with daughter #2.

     
    Old 04-24-2012, 09:33 AM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    My step daughter (30 years old) isn't this bad but let me tell you from experience that it never goes away and it never gets any better. If you do plan to stay with him expect the status quo Guilty Daddy Syndrome.

     
    Old 05-22-2012, 04:05 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    I know EXACTLY what you are going through, I was in the same position as you two years ago. My boyfriend tried to warn me in a round about way that his daughter could be a *****, to be quite honest I didn't like her from the start, but didn't know that she lived with him. We bought a house together and it turned to hell from there. They were both to blame, she was all over him and so jealous of me she would say I had been nasty to her and try to cause fights. I had a huge fight with her and she left, he was supportive of my choice at the time, but she wouldn't leave him alone and kept turning up whenever she wanted. It went downhill fast and she got her way and I had to move out. Look, seriously, I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody. I know its a sticky situation because she is his daughter and what they went through with the mother and all, but she is a young woman, not a child, and she is old enough to pay her own expenses as well, another issue I had to deal with. Do yourself a huge favor and move on, and give yourself a huge pat on the back for putting up with it for so long. He will always have three people in his relationships believe me, you deserve better, they may have words, and she might back off for a while, but she seems persistent, and you dont need that. Good luck in your choice and I wish you all the best.

     
    Old 05-22-2012, 05:02 AM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriend's adult children

    It can be very difficult dating a man with children. Unfortunately, you either have to make peace with it or end the relationship with your boyfriend. It can cause problems with your relationship with your boyfriend, if you bring the situation about his daughter up to him a lot. There is a very strong bond between a father and child, and he may resent you if you try to speak your mind. Hopefully, in time his daughter will get a boyfriend and/or get married, and that will solve a lot of this problem. I understand how you feel, but at least it's not his ex-wife or an old girlfriend of his that is doing this.

     
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