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-   -   Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/900336-husband-being-disrespectful-am-i-overreacting.html)

trystme 05-10-2012 06:20 AM

Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
Please tell me if Iím overreacting. I have been married for 13 mostly good years. Lately I feel as though my husband is disrespecting me. He has been under a lot of stress at work and I think that he may be taking it out on me. The things that he says are not that bad. He mostly gives me a hard time, kinda making fun of me. Iíll give you a couple of examples so that you will understand what I mean.

On Monday I was supposed to print out something for my daughterís school work. I was supposed to do this at work because we donít have a working printer at home right now. Well, I did print it out but as I was leaving, I left it on my desk, forgetting it. My daughter texted me when I was about Ĺ way home asking me if I had it. I called DH right before it was time for him to leave to come home and asked him if he could print it for her. He was VERY put out by this. He talked about how busy he was at work and how he was trying to take care of a crises before he left and that I should have remembered it, etc. When he got home he again started talking about how I caught him at a bad time and that if I wanted him to print something then I should have called him earlier. Well, if I had remembered it earlier then I wouldnít be calling him about it would I?

Another example: We had burritos for dinner Tuesday night and I only ate Ĺ of mine so I took the other Ĺ to work and I took the whole jar of salsa with me to put on top. I forgot and left the jar of salsa in the fridge at work. Well, we had leftover burritos on Wednesday night and no salsa. He kept going on at me for leaving the salsa at work. I said Iím sorry and Iíll never do it again, what more can I do? He was telling me how to place some of the salsa in another container to take to work, like I was a 4 year old. "See you get a little plastic container out of this cupboard, you open the salsa and you pour some of it in the container." It really hurt my feelings and he said all of this in front of our 11 year old daughter who I already have a hard time with her disrespecting me. I donít think that she needs to hear him making fun of me, it just gives her license to do the same.

These are just two examples but basically the pattern is this: I do something forgetful or slightly stupid and he disrespects me verbally. He doesnít call me names or anything like that but speaks to me like I am a child that needs reprimanding. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like he has to put up with me rather than living with me because he loves me and wants to be with me. It makes me feel like there is a lot more that he wants to say but he is holding his tongue.

It hurts my feelings sooo much and he knows that it does. This morning, just to make sure that he knew how it made me feel, I sent him an e-mail. He apologized and said that he wouldnít do it again.

Am I overreacting?

rosequartz 05-10-2012 07:33 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
I see what you're saying.....it is subtle, but I see it.....
I don't know if it's so much disrespect, as much as it is condescending.....
I'd talk to him and tell him to knock it off!

Belly Kelly 05-10-2012 07:52 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
Oh dear, I can somewhat relate. I am very quick to call my husband out when he makes me feel inferior. I will literally stop and say, "why are you using that tone with me...?" and it makes him stop. I know you feel hurt, but try to call him out on it when he talks to you this way. Tell him you are not a child and that although you might be forgetful or make poor choices at times, we ALL do.
And if he wants you to point out all his poor choices then you will gladly do so, but you don't feel it is good for your marriage.

But yeah, I notice my husband gets that way when he is stressed at work as well.

Seraph 05-10-2012 08:19 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
This is a pretty common complaint amongst a lot of the women I know. Even my usually wonderfully evolved husband has done this on occasion. In his case it was always at times when there was external stuff going on, and stuff I did annoyed him more than usual. Always call him on it as Belly Kelly and Rose said. I think it is a bit knee-jerk on his part, but it is hurtful and I can relate. Although, it is great when it happens that he does the big superior lecture bit and he is wrong LOL! I got hours of apologies, that was ages ago and he never did it again. Cheers, Sera

trystme 05-10-2012 11:22 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
Thank you guys for your responses, they do make me feel better. It is good to know what other people think.

It just seems like every time one of these little incidences happens as soon as I get over it, it happens again and I have to start all over with the hurt feelings. He has apologized and he always apologizes after I point out what he has said has hurt me.

I had a long term boyfriend of 13 years in my late teens and throughout my 20s and one of the reasons that we broke up was that he would make fun of me. He would just think that it was funny to point out my shortcomings and laugh about them. Maybe I'm just too sensitive IDK.

rosequartz 05-10-2012 11:36 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
no you're not too sensitive......
when someone tries to joke at your expense, it's not funny and it says more about them than it does about you.....
you might want to tell your hubs that "I got rid of the last guy who did that"
your feelings are valid!!!
:angel:

EagleRiverDee 05-10-2012 02:02 PM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
I see it also. I like that you said something to him via email. I like that he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I think it's important now to see if it does happen again, because now that he's aware of how it hurts you, if it happens again that definitely signals a problem.

captjane 05-11-2012 04:45 AM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
I've been through the same with my DH and I felt hurt too. He apologised, it would happen again etc. I guess I came to realise after a while he was just stressed out and I was adding more stress by putting demands on him, so I just tried to step out of myself and see things from his point of view and not take it personally. You know for example if I ring him at work and he's short with me or sounds angry, I let it go, I know he's dealing with something and I'm just being an added distraction, so I won't bring it up when he comes home, or I'll say "sorry for bothering you earlier, I could tell you were in the middle of something". He will always apologise and just tell me yeah, he was dealing with something urgent at the time but even if it doesn't come up, I've learned not to take it personally because I know it's not about me, I'm just ringing at a difficult time and he appreciates it that I apologise and see that, because to tell the truth, I don't know what's going on at the end of the phone when I ring, it's just bad timing.

If the salsa incident came up, I would just look at DH with a smirk on my face, he knows that look now, it means "god you're being rediculous you idiot" and he gets the message. I just refuse to take him seriously if he gets like that because again I know it's not about me and he's just stressed.

I guess the point I'm making is that your dh is always going to have these times of stress that make him picky or seem like you're the target, but I've found with my dh he's just blowing off steam and it really has nothing to do with me or how he feels about me. You probably won't change it, so you can only change how you choose to feel about it. don't personalise it or interpret it as a relationship problem, take a breath and let it slide and just try to see it for what it is.

Confufled 05-17-2012 11:56 PM

Re: Husband being disrespectful, am I overreacting?
 
This is condescending, my boyfriend does this to me a lot. At least, if it is as you say, its recently since he has been stressed out. I do not condone that scenario with the salsa. It was ridiculous, I dont know you and I would want to slap him. You are right, it send the wrong message to the kid. Nip this problem in the bud because I find that when someone starts becoming condescending it becomes a habit and it gets more severe until it is blatant disrespect accompanied by an air of 'better than thou'. I am also guilty of this habit and I am trying to stop it right now. Finding out what is specifically stressing him and working with him to resolve it at the same time could be helpful for the two of you. Good luck luv.


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