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  • Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

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    Old 05-19-2012, 10:01 PM   #1
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    Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    My exgf of 3.5 years broke up with me last week. Briefly about us... we met 8 years ago because she was my friend's sister. We started to date after being each others confidants and best friends.

    Sure enough, our relationship was great. We definitely had our ups and downs. Fast forward to 6 months ago, we had this huge fight about her lying about the people she hung out with. She lied simply because she didn't want me to be upset because she knows I hated her friends (females). Long story, but not important at all. Our huge fight resulted with me blurting out about breaking up and how I can't trust her (because this wasn't the first time she lied). For awhile, I was back and forth and finally I was like.. fine, I'll overlook it. I'll move on from it.

    Since then, we've been on rocky terms. A few weeks after I blurted that out, she told me she no longer felt the same and lost the spark. Wanted to break up. But I managed to convince her to try to work it through with me. She agreed to it. However, since then, things were different. I had trust issues with her and seem to get anxious when she doesn't stay in touch. She promised to be better, but yet she was still so busy. I guess overtime, things boiled over and she finally decided to break up with me (6 months after trying to work things out). We had a long conversation over the phone, she cried and cried and cried. But in the end, it couldn't be saved.

    I maintained 2 days of no contact until I finally broke one day. Called her to tell her to come out and talk. Saying those things over the phone just wasn't alright... When she first walked to me, we both had huge smiles on our face. It was a while since we've seen each other in person (she's away for school). We embraced and began to talk. Basically she repeated everything she told me before and that she was tired and didn't want to try anymore. I respected that and told her, I want to be friends for now and wherever that takes us, is wherever we will be. I was like... I want to try and chase you and win your heart back. She said no, she doesn't want that. She's okay with us hanging out, but she hesitant about anything that is similar to a date. I had no choice but to agree. After that, we hugged, joked around, had a decent conversation and walked away on a positive note. There's no question she was and still is my best friend. It felt that way. It felt right despite the circumstances.

    3 hours after I left, she called me to tell me about the most little thing. She told me that she did well on her courses. She asked me where I was and left it at that. I said congrats and nothing more (wanted to keep my cool, calm, nonclingy demeanor).

    24 hours after that, she calls again to tell me she's bored. We BSed around for 20 minutes on the phone, joking and just talking about random stuff. But I know from her tone of voice, she's really upset and frustrated. After awhile, she told me how she's mad at her parents for trying to intervene with fixing us and blaming her. I felt AWFUL! I guess I said more than I should. I talked about how she should tell her parents that we were trying to fix stuff. I was careful with my wording, but she ultimately said, "well... its not like we're really trying to fix anything specfically.." My response was... "you are right..." Anyway, she then says something about how.. she's worried about calling because I may be misinterpreting her intentions.

    For the most part, she is right, I am misinterpreting it. But when I said "Sometimes you think you know how you feel, but on the inside, you may be feeling something else." She got upset when I said that... so before I made it any worse, I redirected and just told her to sleep.

    Anyway... what should I do? I try to maintain no contact, but obviously, that isn't working. My goal is to ultimately try and save the relationship. I've read countless blogs and spoke with close friends... But the advice is same. No contact. Grow as a person. Do my own thing. Make myself an even more attractive person for the sake of myself. This ALSO seems to be the strategy to potentially win her back. Of course, the more rational reason for doing those things is simply for myself. In the end, she will come back if its meant to be. I really love this girl and still see a future with her..

    Any other ideas?

    Thanks for reading!!!

    Last edited by micro; 05-19-2012 at 10:07 PM.

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    Old 05-19-2012, 10:14 PM   #2
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    You don't need us, your final paragraph is what I am sure most of the folk her would advise. There is stuff you can take away with you as well; don't give a partner such a hard time about her friends that she ends up lying to stop the harassment. I don't approve of lying but trying to make her give up her friends is pretty mean, you don't have to like them. Hopefully she would eventually grow away from them in the natural course of events. Sera

    Old 05-19-2012, 10:57 PM   #3
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    Well I never had an issue with her hanging out with her friends. I am a very reasonable guy. I told her up front that she can hang out with them. There's no need to justify or need to ask for permission because they are HER friends and she can do as she please.

    The issue with her friends was that they disrespected me and turned me into the villain when it was my ex who did something behind my back. But that's another story... not important at all, since Im over that..

    So if she does contact me again, do I just ignore her call or do I have to be upfront and tell her that I won't talk to her. I really don't want to make dumb mistake and lose my chance.

    Thanks for the reply tho!

    Last edited by micro; 05-19-2012 at 10:58 PM.

    Old 05-20-2012, 10:35 AM   #4
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    Your girlfriend's friends, if they are friends, of course will side with her when the two of you have a disagreement. That's what friends do. The same way your friends will side with you over her. The thing you need to be concerned with is, how she handles it. Does she run to them with every little thing and carry on about how a horrible boyfriend you are just to get the "aww you poor baby, how dare he treat you like that" from them? Ultimately it's her responsibility to deal with the problems between the two of you without totally turning her friends against you. You want your friends to side with you, but you also want them to like the guy you're dating.

    But I agree that staying friends is very difficult if not impossible when the two people involved have different agendas. She wants to stay friends. You want to get back together. You have different goals, and different reasons for wanting to stay in contact. And someone's going to get hurt, most likely you. I have to agree with the advice you've been given. No contact until you have moved on and no longer want her back and can truly just be her good friend without wanting anything romantic from her.

    Old 06-30-2012, 02:26 PM   #5
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    Tough stuff.
    A rule my spouse and I agreed to very long ago was, "never say anything that can't be unsaid".
    Sometimes that has been a difficult thing, however, it has worked.

    Your current situation may be past a point of repair; if it is, there is a great quote by Charles Kettering, "my interest is in the future, because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life".

    Good luck.

    Old 06-30-2012, 07:40 PM   #6
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    I don't see how to save things. She seems like she wants to be friends and nothing more. I agree that you shouldn't be getting mad at her about her friends. Who cares what they think about you. if her friends have the ability to warp her mind and change her feelings then do you really want to be with a person so easily manipulated? Why do you want to stay with her so much? I think that's the question you need to ask yourself. It seems like you may just be afraid to move on. There will be plenty of other girls, and you will love them even more. If she doesn't want to be with you, then you can't force her.

    Old 06-30-2012, 10:11 PM   #7
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    Re: Ex Broke up with me, but still contacts me..

    Just my humble $.02...I'm assuming you're a fairly young guy (early to mid 20's?) because you mentioned she was away at school. 3.5 years is a long time and I went through the same thing in my early twenties. I know it feels devastating at first..but it sounds like she is not interested in a reunion and you are. You may just be setting yourself up for more heartache and frustration. My advice would be to cut all contact for some time. Take some time to yourself....go out and have fun with your buddies. Don't look to dive into a new relationship too it can take a long time to truly get over an ex, meet different girls and go out on dates...chances are after a while you'll feel like a brand new man and wonder why you ever stayed together with her that long in the first place. In the end it will stand in your memory as a learning experience for better or worse.. Best of luck to you pal.

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