It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Can't get her out of my head...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-07-2012, 12:14 PM   #1
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Can't get her out of my head...

    Ok this is the first time I've ever shared this with ANYONE, so bear with me. I've actually tried posting this story at least 4-5 times already, but always stopped short of doing so because of the guilt. I will try to be as concise as possible, but please read the whole post!

    So...the story begins almost exactly two years ago. Our office hired a new girl into the department that I work in. It's a small place to begin with so we worked in pretty close proximity, actually sharing an office room. At first I was put off by her personality- she was ambitious and even a little brash, but not in a bad way. As we got to know each other through work, we started to realize how much we had in common. Sooner or later, we started to hang out outside of work- catching a movie, getting some Chipotle or ice cream, sometimes just going for a drive together. We even piled on extra workloads in order to stay at the office after hours together, ha.

    During all of this, we were both seeing other people. She had a boyfriend of 2 years and I had a girlfriend of 5. We both talked about them to each other, which I think contributed to the ease of our friendship- clearly nothing could happen if we were both seeing other people, right? Wrong. Feelings started to develop, slowly at first. After a few months of working together, you could cut the tension with a knife. We didn't acknowledge it, and never acted on in physically, but it was obvious just how we acted and talked with the other. We could talk for HOURS on end and it would feel like minutes, it was wild.

    All the while, I was fighting intense feelings of guilt. I was attracted to this new girl, but I still deeply loved my girlfriend. And although the new girl and I hadn't done anything physical, this was more than a casual friendship. I had been planning to propose to my girlfriend right before I met the new girl, and the whole situation actually delayed my proposal for several months- mostly because I was wracked with indecision. Eventually I popped the question to my girlfriend and she said yes! Everything seemed to be back to normal. Until...

    Only 2-3 weeks after becoming engaged, the new girl's boyfriend got a job across the country and she decided that she was going to move with him. And something just snapped in me. I didn't realize how much this new girl meant to me until I couldn't be around her anymore. A week before she left, we finally came out and admitted our feelings for each other. It was very tough to talk about it, because we both had so much respect for each other and our significant others, we refused to act on those feelings. We also did not want to make our significant others suffer because of our attraction with each other, so we decided to stay with them and keep the pain between us. And like that, she left.

    FAST FORWARD 2 years later...I am married and she is still across the country with her boyfriend. My marriage is great- our relationship never really took a hit because of this whole situation and she is an amazing person to be with. The new girl, on the other hand, has watched her relationship decline ever since she left. She feels stuck because she's scared to be alone, but isn't truly happy with her boyfriend. Even though I am happy with my wife, I still find myself thinking about this girl, and I know she does the same. We've tried not communicating at all, even for 4-5 months at a time, but it actually makes things worse because we're both always wondering how the other is doing. She's come back to visit a few times and we talk semi-regularly (couple times a week online/text/etc), but this indescribable thing between us will not go away and it's driving me crazy. Even so, I will not leave my wife for this. We have experienced so much together and are completely and truly happy together. My life would be a train wreck if she wasn't in it. But, how is it possible for someone to be in my head every day for two straight years?? I can't imagine having to deal with this forever- it seems like an impossible situation any way you cut it. Any advice?

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-08-2012, 05:57 AM   #2
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,446
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    For your own sake, and the sake of your marriage, you really cannot let this go on. You have moved on, and I think that if she had also been happy, she would have done so as well. I know it seems cruel, but if you want to keep you marriage, then you must cut this other one loose. I know what you said about no contact being worse, but if you actually formally break it off and commit to no contact, it will eventually get easier. Maybe you will never forget her; you would not be the first person to cherish a memory like this. You have made your decision, now your marriage must be the thing you are committed to. Sera

     
    Old 06-11-2012, 09:19 AM   #3
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    As I mentioned, we did formally agree to cut all contact but it just made it worse for both of us. The truth is that I really haven't moved on completely, even though I'm married now. I'm able to make my marriage work, but the other girl is still on my mind constantly. It's honestly like there are two halves of me, and I just wish I could cut the other half off and go back to the life I had before I met her.

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 03:18 AM   #4
    JB68711
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    JB68711's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 195
    JB68711 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    I think you need to make an appointment with a therapist. This has gone on WAY too long, and it's not fair to your wife. You need to talk this through with a specialist, and eventually you'll need to talk this through with your wife and give her the facts. If your wife was in your situation, would you want her to explain it to you?

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 08:14 AM   #5
    Agenda
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Agenda's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2012
    Location: Ireland
    Posts: 331
    Agenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Stop making contact with the other girl. You are risking your marriage if your wife finds out. Concentrate on making your marriage work.

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 12:17 PM   #6
    Chrissy26
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Chrissy26's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2012
    Location: new york
    Posts: 234
    Chrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    This may be a little long but I think it will help you.

    First, I want to applaud you for not giving in to temptation. I for one know that temptation is not an easy thing to ignore. Secondly, I believe that the reason you can't get her out of your head is simply because she's having issues with her boyfriend. Just think about this for a sec...she's telling you how unhappy she is and that she feels stuck where she is. But you moved on with your wife and you claim you're happy. If you were truly happy you wouldn't be thinking about her all the time. It sounds like a part of you wishes you could be where this girl is. You may even wish you could be her hero and run to her and rescue her. Maybe because of the two of you were so close. You know a lot about her and you want her to be protected and happy. You say you can't imagine life without your wife and I believe that. It's natural to feel that way because you're married to her. You're used to her and her ways and you have a good time with her. But with this girl, there's a part of you that wonders "what if". Even if you don't see it that way, it's probably true. You guys never even kissed and I'm sure you wonder how it would've been if you did give in. Would you guys be together today? Even though you're happy with your wife, maybe you would've been happier with this girl?

    I think a part of you is very curious about this girl. I mean, you already know what it's like to be with your wife. You've been with her for quite some time now. But with this girl, you guys had a very intense relationship, a strong attraction and the fact you guys never did anything makes you even more curious. The only reason you'd be thinking about her so much is because she does talk to you about her relationship. I think if you cut all ties (even though you've tried and it made things worse), it would eventually get better. You won't think about her all the time. Yes, maybe she'll cross your mind here and there and you'll often wonder if she's still with him or with someone else. You may even wonder if she thinks about you too. But in the end you will get over it because you don't talk anymore. You'll move on completely with your wife. You haven't completely moved on even though you claim you have. If you did you wouldn't think of her. No matter what she tells you, you wouldn't sit there and think about her all of the time. You would see her as someone you used to talk to and did like at one point but someone you moved on from.

    If you stop talking to her it'll improve things. Look, I had to stop talking to a lot of people because of this very reason. If it's to save a marriage you want saved, you will sacrifice. Chances are you and this girl will never be together because I can tell there's a lot of respect between the two of you and even more importantly, for your significant others and I don't think either one of you will do anything unless you guys left the ones you're with. Like you said, you won't leave your wife. You sound like a very respectable guy that's just torn between emotions. But I think you have to sit down and figure out what you really want. And if you want to save your marriage then you have to let her go. One thing to keep in mind: it sounds like you truly do love your wife and I say this because even when this girl was still hanging around, you still proposed to your wife because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. It sounds to me you're infatuated with this other girl. If it was love you wouldn't be happy with your wife. You would feel down and out about being married to her. You would wish you were married to the other girl instead. Only if it were real love. But because you married the girl you're with today, you truly love her. Remember, curiosity killed the cat. So don't do something you will later regret unless you plan on having a long term relationship with her.

    Last edited by Chrissy26; 06-13-2012 at 12:24 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2012, 12:17 PM   #7
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Thank you for the responses. I should have mentioned in my original post that I actually brought this entire situation up with my wife before we got married. I told her about my feelings for the other girl and how I wanted to put that behind me and start our marriage with a clean slate. She was understandably upset but appreciated the honesty, but in the time since, I feel like it has bothered her more than she's let on.

    I have once again ceased all contact with this other girl (currently at a month or so now), but the most frustrating thing is that I was thinking about her LESS when we still allowed ourselves to communicate. Now I find myself spending an absurd amount of time wondering how she is and what she's been up to. What makes things even worse is that since I first posted here, she finally split with her boyfriend and is living on her own.

    One of the main problems I'm having right now is my memory. Apparently my memory is selectively photographic, because I can remember in astonishing detail almost anything and everything I ever did together with this girl. Is that normal?? I can't remember what I did last week, let alone two years ago. But with her, I absorbed everything, and can recall things like they literally happened yesterday. I can ALMOST make it through a full day without something reminding me of her, but something always does. Always, without fail. And she admitted to me that she's had the same exact problem. UGH.

    I know it's not right to keep dwelling on this whole thing, but I just can't seem to shake it. I've read other posts from people that have gone through similar situations, and many of them have been dealing with this crap for 20+ YEARS! It's barely been two years that I've been dealing with all of this and it has felt like an eternity- I can't even fathom what I might be like after 20 years of confusion and frustration.

     
    Old 08-13-2012, 01:45 PM   #8
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Golden,

    Although our situations aren't exactly alike, I can relate to your fear of never forgetting. I have discovered that my mind is a dangerous thing for me when left with too much time to think. I recently just ended a year long emotional affair with a person that lives 16 hours away from me. We've never had any physical contact but the emotional bond between us ran very deep (at least it did for me) and now I worry that I may never be able to get him off of my mind.

    I too am married to a wonderful person, and I want nothing more than to be free of my own thoughts from this other guy. People offer me advice or tell me how selfish I've been for even letting this go on, but really that is beside the point now, regardless of what kind of person this makes me for having these feelings in the first place, I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing now.


    And the idea that I may never be free of my "friend" worries me so much and even wakes me up from a sound sleep. In my mind, this is my punishment for developing a relationship such as this in the first place....my Karma. I too find so many things in my daily activities that brings up memories (like you they are vivid) and even music isn't safe for me anymore. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope someday we will both be free from these thoughts that haunt us.

     
    Old 08-13-2012, 02:15 PM   #9
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Jasmine,

    Very funny that you should mention music. That is one of my primary memory triggers. We would sometimes just sit around and listen to music together, and we each made each other a couple of mix CDs when she still lived up here. As our friendship got more serious, the songs we shared started to have not-so-subtle hints in the lyrics. You get my drift, I'm sure. Half of my iTunes library is tainted as a result. I get a mix of happy and sad hearing a song that reminds me of her, then naturally it will snowball into some specific memory that I can't get rid of. Basically, listening to music has become a dangerous activity altogether for me.

    I'm sure you did not expect your friendship with this other person to become so emotional and deep...I certainly didn't expect it to happen for me. We were simply co-workers that had a lot in common, and something just sparked between us. I didn't ask for it to happen, and I'm sure you didn't either. I too have trouble sleeping- some nights I'll just stare at the ceiling and wonder why the hell this girl still haunts me. It's an awful, awful situation, complicated by the fact that I have to pretend it doesn't bother me anymore in front of my friends, family and wife.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-14-2012 at 04:26 PM.

     
    Old 08-14-2012, 10:09 AM   #10
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Golden,

    Music is the absolute worse for me. Me and my friend would play the music game. I have satellite with many music channels and I would switch from one channel to the next giving him the name of the song and he would then tell me who sang it and the year it came out. We did this countless times and I know it must seem kind of boring but we loved to do it…. especially him and yes I really do know what you mean about the not-so-subtle hints in the lyrics. Then he made me 4 mixed CD’s with various songs that I had picked out and he mailed them to me. So right now music is my worst enemy. No song is safe for me even if it isn’t one of the millions we talked about because I can somehow relate it to us or something is said in it to make me think of him….I know that sounds really pathetic but it’s true. And just like you I didn’t think of him this much when we were together.

    Anyway, our relationship did end on a bad note (you can read my thread under Extramarital Phone Romance if you want…but before warned it’s long and takes many turns) but I still can’t get him out of my head. I want so bad to be free of this nightmare!!! It’s been 2 months since we first stopped talking (notice I said “first”) and I feel as though I’m on an emotional roller coaster from hell. Some days I feel so absolute in my feelings but then the next it all changes again. I have every reason to just let him go and none to keep holding on but yet I do. And no I never expected our relationship to turn into what it did. We actually met on a trouble marriage message board and at first was nothing more than a support system for one another.

    I think just like with your friend, we connected on a non-physical level and the emotions ran so deep…at least they did for me (he claims it was real for him at one time too but now I have so many doubts about that). One day I understand everything and just want to be free of him, the next I’m missing him and sick on all my thoughts, then the very next I’m angry at him, myself, my husband, the world…you name it. I’ve never been the type of person to obsess this much over another person and that kills me more than anything. I often describe what I’m going through as a bad cold that I can't shake. I just wish there was some sort of antibiotics to cure this sickness.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-14-2012 at 04:06 PM.

     
    Old 08-14-2012, 10:16 AM   #11
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    I forgot to mention that it saddens me that you have been having this issue for 2 years now…..it terrifies me that this may go on that long. Mine has only been a few months but God help me I want it to end so bad!!!!!!! I want to be normal again with my husband and I too have to hide my feelings around him and our family although my husband knows something is wrong with me, he just doesn’t know what. This message board has somehow became both a support system and a terrifying place for me as it allows me to rehash this over and over. I tried not posting on here for a few weeks and even stopped replying to anything that was said on here but it didn’t help either.

    since this has happened I don’t eat right and I hardly sleep at all most nights. I don’t try to starve myself but in the beginning food would sour in my mouth and I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it and now I just eat barley enough to stay alive most days. Then I seen where you said someone on here has had this problem for 20 years!!!!!!!!! I’m actually a really strong minded person and I believe a lot of things can be controlled with mind over matter but this is killing me!!!!

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-14-2012 at 04:22 PM.

     
    Old 08-14-2012, 12:56 PM   #12
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Yes well this coming October is when it will be two years since she moved out of state, and not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about her in some way. And as I had mentioned earlier, it doesn't help that she feels the exact same way about me.

    It sounds like you've been taking quite a toll from your situation, much more so than I have. I've done a decent job of internalizing all of these emotions since she left, and other than losing some sleep every now and then, I can get through each day just fine. This whole messy issue aside, I have about as great a life as one can ask for. I'm in good health, still pretty young, with a nice house and car, a solid job, a wonderful wife, and I'm surrounded by some great friends and family. I really am a very lucky person by all counts. Like you, I've always considered myself strong-minded. I'm happiest when I'm in control of a situation, and I have no way of controlling this ONE THING that keeps nagging me, eating away like some awful disease.

    Regardless of how you are handling this emotionally, you really need to take care of yourself physically. Starving yourself will only make you feel worse in my opinion, and sooner or later your husband/family will begin to wonder what's wrong.

     
    Old 08-14-2012, 01:28 PM   #13
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    No I'm not starving myself on purpose...please don't get the wrong idea. I just can't eat! Maybe it's because it's all so new and things keep happening that make me sick from all the "thinking". I too have a very good life minus the friends. I moved to where I'm at 5 years ago and I work with all men so making "girl" friends hasn't been easy. I do have a few but they all have families or things going on in their lives that makes it hard to spend time with them. But besides that I have a wonderful husband, a good job, family and friends that live far away but are still close to my heart. I just can't seem to shake these feelings I have with Tony.

    I do love my husband dearly, and like I said he really is wonderful and he already knows something is wrong but he just doesn't know what. Each day does get a little easier for me to deal with all of this, and to tell you the truth I was going through a lot of stress with some family issues when all of this happened so it was like making a bad situation worse. At any rate, I am not trying to harm myself at all, that isn't the kind of person I am but I am trying very hard to overcome this all. My last communication was yesterday when I told him for the first time since all of this happened that I couldn't do this anymore, I just can't keep putting myself though this and actually I have now blocked him from contacting me at all, not to say he would but just to make sure.....this is something I've wanted to do a lot in the past but I just finally did it today.

    It just scares me that I may never stop thinking of him. Sure I know enough time will go by and maybe I wont think of him as much and at this point if that is all I can get, then I'll take it. And it may be easier for you because you and your friend still feel the same way about each other, but there was a time we had very strong feelings for one another and that is what makes this so hard....the fact that we shared a whole year of deep emotional feelings and a strong attachment (and not just on my end) and now it's gone. I knew it had to end at some point because neither of us were willing to leave our spouses but I was just never prepared for the kind of ending I got.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-14-2012 at 04:24 PM.

     
    Old 08-14-2012, 05:49 PM   #14
    Belly Kelly
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Belly Kelly's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2008
    Location: USA
    Posts: 856
    Belly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Golden, do you respect your wife and marriage? Before you stopped contact a month ago, did your wife know you were still texting this other girl or were you hiding it?
    __________________
    "There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

     
    Old 08-17-2012, 07:33 AM   #15
    goldeneye89
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    goldeneye89's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2012
    Location: Scranton, PA
    Posts: 11
    goldeneye89 HB User
    Re: Can't get her out of my head...

    Yes, my wife knew that I was still talking to this girl occasionally, I didn't try to hide it. I'll get back to that in a minute. But it was never "dirty talk" or anything like that- more or less it was just friendly chit-chat, and usually only once or twice a week at most. Every now and then one of us would bring up the "situation" as we referred to it, but we'd usually laugh it off and go on talking about something else. We were both trying our best to just be friends, and it was honestly working well enough for me.

    When I first told my wife everything, I said that I was going to stop communicating to the other girl. And I did. But since then, my wife has flip-flopped several times on her stance towards the situation. A few months would go by, and she'd say something like "you know, I don't mind if you talk to her as a friend. I trust you." So then I'd start talking to the girl again. Then a few more months would go by and my wife would change her mind, so I'd stop talking again. This has happened a few times now, so to me it's pretty clear that she's uncomfortable with the whole thing. I know I would be if the situation were reversed. But as I mentioned in previous posts, I thought about this girl much less when I knew I could talk to her whenever I wanted. And I felt less distracted at work and at home, for sure.

    I'm doing my very best to respect my wife and marriage by not talking to this girl, but I can't control my thoughts!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    I can't get him out of my head... How can I delete him from my memory? Teenmama Relationship Health 7 10-12-2011 01:34 PM
    Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex? Jul1980 Relationship Health 11 10-02-2010 05:57 AM
    I Can't Get Her Out Of My Head.... ken40 Relationship Health 40 01-13-2007 11:20 AM
    Guys who can't meet girls look here mada_3083 Relationship Health 17 12-01-2005 07:35 PM
    Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it! here4support Relationship Health 38 03-31-2005 07:08 AM
    I can't do this. I don't have the strength. ~Tyger~ Relationship Health 92 03-25-2005 10:00 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:39 AM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!