It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • The girl who did nothing wrong...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-19-2012, 12:15 PM   #1
    bendb
    Member
    (male)
     
    bendb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 59
    bendb HB User
    The girl who did nothing wrong...

    I am 27 and have been dating my gf for almost three years now. When we met, I was in a bad place in my life and trying to piece things back together and although I didn't know it at the time, she was too. We hit it off and started dating and still are to this day.

    So here I set a few years later and something just isn't right. I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't feel right about this relationship anymore. She has mentioned getting engaged and it honestly caught me by surprise with that. I don't want to sound like a jerk here because she honestly hasn't done anything wrong, but I am just not sure I am in love with her anymore. It really is causing me a lot of heartache and pain, but I don't know what to do. I can't point at one thing about our relationship and say thats why we can't make it but thats how I feel none the less. I know what has to be done and I know that the longer I wait the worse it will be, but I just don't know how to go about it. How can I break up with someone who really hasn't done anything wrong? I am worried about her on her own, both emotionally and financially, and don't want to ruin her life but at the same time I have felt for some time now that I am losing myself in the process. I guess what I am wondering is how to go about having the talk with her so that 1) she doesn't hate me for life and 2) she doesn't feel like she isn't good enough. Any help or advice or comments are much appreciated.

    Heartbroken and confused...

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-21-2012, 12:48 PM   #2
    hiddenreality
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    hiddenreality's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2011
    Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada
    Posts: 12
    hiddenreality HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Coming from someone whose fiancee walked out on her 6 months ago with no good reason after 3 years together... there is no good way to leave. She will hate you, and she will suffer for a long while and blame herself for doing something wrong that she didn't do, or missing something she should have seen that wasn't there.
    It's taken me this long just to understand that it was his choice to leave and he has a reason that he isn't willing to share. I still love him now but I also don't ever want to see him again because of what and how he left me, and I have a hard time looking at the future but I make it by, day by day.
    I'm sorry to say, if you're planning to walk out of this girl, there is no way for you to be the nice guy about it and that's something you will have to deal with as well as her.

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to hiddenreality For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-22-2012)
    Old 06-21-2012, 02:02 PM   #3
    bendb
    Member
    (male)
     
    bendb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 59
    bendb HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Thanks for the reply. I am a realist and I know that this isn't going to go over very well. You mention that you don't ever want to see him again because of how he left...that is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I don't want this to be a shady ordeal where she feels like that. I can't give her a concrete reason for leaving, but deep down I just don't feel like we are going to make each other happy in the long term. We get along but its just not right. Now I know feelings fade over time and the "honeymoon ends", but I have been in a long term relationship before and in my experience this isn't that kind of feeling. This is a deeper disconnect between us. I have felt this way for some time now but I told myself just give it some time its natural to have ups and downs. Well its been a while now and I still feel the same and it breaks my heart it really does...I mean I have just as much invested as she does in this. This just sucks...this will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done but I just don't feel like I have a choice.

     
    Old 06-21-2012, 04:12 PM   #4
    janewhite1
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: NJ, USA
    Posts: 9,369
    janewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Well, the one thing you shouldn't do is get engaged! It's true, no matter how you do it, she will be hurt. You might become friends eventually, but she might need to not see you for a while.

    Honestly, I dated a man for a while, I was in a bad place when I met him, and I was shattered when he wound up leaving me just because he knew I wasn't the one. Now, I am happy and I have a good life. The greatest gift that man gave me was to push me out the door. So, she will be able to get past it if she chooses to.

    Be gentle, refuse to be drawn into a screaming match. Make sure she has a way to stay on her feet financially for at least a few months. It's not a nice thing to have to do, but sometimes it's necessary.

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to janewhite1 For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-22-2012)
    Old 06-22-2012, 06:08 AM   #5
    bendb
    Member
    (male)
     
    bendb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 59
    bendb HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Thanks Jane it helps to hear you say that even though it hurt you are glad he did it. I have been cheated on and broken up with before and I can honestly say that what I felt then as the victim isn't as bad as what I feel now. It is breaking my heart so much to see this happen and seeing her hurt or crying will probably be a low point of my life. Even as I sit here and write these things during the day, when I go home at night I hope that whatever has been wrong will be right all of a sudden. But that doesn't happen and the feeling I have isn't going away. In almost 3 years I have said things that made her think we would get married I am sure, and I would never say those kinds of things if I didn't mean them when I spoke. But I can't help how I feel and if I could believe me I would change it. This just sucks...I thought that by 27 I would be a little farther along with my life than this. I really do love her but am not in love with her anymore and I feel like a grade a jackass because of it.

     
    Old 06-22-2012, 07:11 AM   #6
    beccablob
    Member
    (female)
     
    beccablob's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2011
    Location: Cambooya, Queensland, Australia
    Posts: 61
    beccablob HB Userbeccablob HB Userbeccablob HB Userbeccablob HB Userbeccablob HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Angst is an awful emotion and you seem to be struggling to find a way to leave without creating any damage.

    It is obvious in your writing that you hold this lady in high regard however, there will always be hurt involved in a break up. It is unavoidable. Although you would like to remain friends, it is a little unrealistic to expect this. Initially, the young lady will probably feel a range of emotions...anger, grief, denial, loss etc...but these would be her emotions...not yours. If you stay, you run the risk of making the pair of you very unhappy. We have but one life and at 27, you have a great deal of living to do.

    She will get over it eventually. Whether she wants to remain friends with you is entirely up to her and if she doesn't, you need to respect her decision and allow her move on with dignity.

    Hope this helps!

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to beccablob For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-22-2012)
    Old 06-22-2012, 09:33 AM   #7
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    To be honest with you I don't think there is any way to keep her from hating your or to make her her feel bad about herself. If you don't have a concrete reason for why you want to end things, I think for her it will feel as though she has no closure and to me that is very important for a clean breakup. I too am in a position where I did nothing wrong but the relationship I was in had run its course for him and even though we had a peaceful breakup and ended on good terms, I'm left wondering what I did wrong or was it me. At first I wasn't angry but now I'm very upset by it and I feel as though he was being selfish in his decision, but then again I'm sure I have to go through the stages to get over this and I'm sure she will too. I'm also just as sure that one day I will be thanking God for unanswered prayers just as she will be. Not to say that you are a bad person but someday she will find happiness in her life that she couldn't have found with you because if you aren't happy now then you never will be and you two will grow old and resent each other for not ending it now. Hope this helps

     
    Old 06-22-2012, 09:42 AM   #8
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    I'd like to add it sounds to me like you are an honest and caring person. Although we as total strangers can see your point, I'm sure she will have a hard time and be in denial. I think at some level she knows she too isn't happy but maybe scared of being without you. I also think it's very important that you don't let her draw you back in guilt, make sure you stand your ground because the longer you go on with this the harder it will be. Like the others mentioned make a clean break and respect her wishes if she chooses not to see you or talk to you. Only time will be able to heal her wounds and nothing more.

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to jasmine76apl For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-22-2012)
    Old 06-22-2012, 12:25 PM   #9
    bendb
    Member
    (male)
     
    bendb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 59
    bendb HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Thanks to you both. I don't know why this had to be the time when this came to a head...its the worst possible part of the year for a breakup. Her brother's birthday is next weekend and the whole family gets together for that, the following week is our 3 yr anniversary, and the following week is her birthday. I almost feel obligated to stay during this time...I am not sure if I should wait until this stretch is over or if it would be better to do this before. I am worried to death about her emotionally and financially. I am not rich by any means but I make more than her and I take care of rent and all. And thinking of splitting stuff up just hurts. After I talk to her is when the fun begins. We live together so its not like we will be able to go our separate ways right off...one of us will have to find somewhere to live. If I feel like this I can only imagine what a divorce with kids must be like...just knowing there is a journey straight through hell coming.

     
    Old 06-22-2012, 05:07 PM   #10
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    I have to say that the more I read from you the more I like you. I love the fact that you really are concerned for her, that shows how much you really do care and I admire that. I also vote that you stay with her until a little after her birthday, no reason she should have to think about this every year on her birthday. This will also give you time to think about what you want to say to her and make sure the it is in a proper setting. Please let her vent without getting upset with anything she has to say. She will most likely be hurt and need to get some things off her chest, just let her vent. Also please keep us updated on the situation, I'd really like to know how this will all come out. One more thing, if I were you I'd tell her a lot of the same things you told us. I mean how concerned you are for her well being and offer her finical support for a few months until she can get on her feet. I really do hope things work out for you. Good luck!

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to jasmine76apl For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-23-2012)
    Old 06-23-2012, 07:50 AM   #11
    bendb
    Member
    (male)
     
    bendb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 59
    bendb HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Thanks Jasmine. I do really care...this girl has done everything for me and really loves me and it really does hurt me to have to do this. I feel like this whole thing is my fault for letting this relationship go this far. I have been dumped and cheated on and I know how it feels and it tears me up that I am about to put her through this. She will make someone very happy one day, I am just really sad that it isn't me. At this point I have worried myself so much about this that, although it will hurt her, it will be a million pounds off of my shoulders. I don't know why I am made this way, but this is the 2nd time I have had to do this. I am not sure if I am just not marriage material ( I always wanted a wife and a family so I thought I was) or if I just haven't met the right person yet. At any rate I truly hope this is the last time I have to break someone's heart...

     
    Old 06-28-2012, 07:30 AM   #12
    Deadmano
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Deadmano's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2012
    Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
    Posts: 3
    Deadmano HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    Dear bendb,

    I signed up to this forum solely on your post that I came across by the most bizarre of ways. How I happened to arrive here is of no importance, but I do wish to say a few things to you, that is if you would hear me out.

    Firstly, why is it that you're so intent on breaking up, and everyone is offering their two cents instead of actually trying to turn this all around and perhaps even make the relationship work out?

    Let me say that I have been in the position that you are facing now, however my reasons are probably totally different to yours. I had a functional relationship, but it wasn't a constant thing, she was far away and I never get to see her so much and I couldn't live like that because I am a very affectionate person who needs to constantly be around the person I'm with. So in time I grow out of love with her, but the truth is we didn't share anything in common, at all. In short, I elongated the relationship by a further 6 months for a total of 2 years. Those 6 months to me were complete hell because I was pretending everything was OK, being that "perfect man" to her because I was afraid of hurting her, meanwhile I was hurting myself all along. In the end I decided that what I was doing was wrong, and the longer it would go on the longer it would hurt. I ended up breaking the news to her, and I can tell you it was not the sight any decent man would like to witness, needless to say that was done and over, and to this day, 4 years or so, we have not had any contact. I have no idea what she's doing, I doubt she knows anything of me, but honestly it matters not to me because I got into the relationship for all of the wrongs reasons...

    However currently I'm in a one year relationship, we actually had our anniversary last month. Things are going perfectly, we love the same types of music, food, straight down to our own personality, we are the perfect match. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, and so can she. Sure we've had our ups and downs, but I had learnt straight away from my last relationship and know exactly how to ensure they never repeat. So this is what I have to ask of you...
    • Do you really love this woman?
    • Do you share the same interests?
    • Can you picture yourself spending a lifetime with her?

    If you answered to "Yes" to any of the above, then there is still hope to try and get things "working" again. Ask yourself this; "What is it that I want or need from her to make myself happy?" A relationship is ALL ABOUT TRUST! If you can't trust her, you'll doubt her and you will fall out of love, I have been there. Be open to her, speak to her about everything and anything. I am not embarrassed to say that myself and my girlfriend are comfortable using the bathroom in each others presence.

    What is it that the two of you do together? Do you do any activities? Myself, I'm an active person, I love to go out and do all sorts of things, but as of late work has been keeping me so busy that I hardly get to do the things I love, but thankfully my girlfriend is so understand that even a standard dinner and a movie each night is so damn satisfying. (Forgot to mention that we are staying together, been 4 months so far, absolute delight).

    If you guys have nothing to do, then obviously your interests will run dry and you will feel like falling apart.

    Be honest to yourself, what is it that you exactly want? Do you want to be with another girl? Is she just not "appealing" to you? Do you want to be left alone because you'd rather prefer solitude? I can tell you this, I have spent most of my life alone and it is a miserable thing. Having the company of a female is amazing, it gives you a greater sense of purpose and pushes you further towards your goals with the right mind-set.

    Have a sit-down with her when possible, do not delay because you will honestly hurt yourself more and she might just think you're being a jerk and leave you if she feels you're ignoring her. If she really loves you she will understand and reasoning will be possible, instead of breaking it off outright tell her exactly how you feel. Explain to her what she can do to make you feel inlove again. Afterall, if this is the person you're going to be spending the rest of your life with then surely sacrifices will need to be made from both sides, no?

    I have an old saying of mine that I keep repeating to myself after my ex cheated on me with 2 other guys, and which I've repeated to several times to my ex;

    You're young, your life is full of choices. Sure you could mess around, be with anyone you like, but remember what you'd be throwing away. Someone who sees you as nothing less than perfect, who loves you for who you are and supports you through anything. But when you get older, it'll be harder to find someone and you will be left alone, with no one to have, left to slumber in sorrowfulness forever. Make sure you make the right choice, because you only life once and you can't take back the things you say and do.

    So do you really wanna break up with her? Or do you wanna give it another chance and see if you can't make it work? Perhaps there is something in you stopping you from being happy and inlove with her? That only you would know, and only you would be able to overcome it. I wish you goodluck, and I will try to check in every so often to see if you have a response or any update to your situation.

    Remember one thing though; You are unique. Just because you are not happy with someone doesn't mean you're forced to be with that person for the rest of your life, but equally so if it is something that you're doing, pushing you away from that person, and from ultimately being yourself around them, then that is, in turn, not fair on them. So before you up and leave due to your own state of confusion (if any) do try and see if you can't sort yourself out first, perhaps it is something that can easily be fixed?

    P.S - This was really all written in a rushed manner, I haven't even gone through it all to do some touch ups, but if you do happen to respond I'll be more than happy to help you out and give out some more (hopefully helpful) advice!

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to Deadmano For This Useful Post:
    bendb (06-29-2012)
    Old 06-29-2012, 06:54 AM   #13
    Kandles
    Member
    (female)
     
    Kandles's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2012
    Location: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 63
    Kandles HB UserKandles HB User
    Cool Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    You have to think about yourself more, and her less. Imagine going your entire life being with someone just to avoid her hating you? It seems a little silly doesn't it?

    My advice would be to tell her how you're feeling. Tell her that you really don't feel that spark anymore, and that you feel like the relationship is going nowhere. If things don't improve, at least she had a warning!

    If she chooses to hate you, that's HER problem. She can't expect you to go through life miserable just to make her happy. Make that clear, make the reason why clear. It's much better to leave honestly then to just leave without giving her a reason.

    You say that you can't think of anything wrong but your reason is crystal clear to me. It doesn't feel right! It feels like it's going nowhere! If you had to live like this the rest of your life, you'd most likely want to blow your brains out. Just be honest with her, and she should respect you for that.

    That way at least at the end of the relationship you'll have her respect.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 07:59 AM   #14
    jasmine76apl
    Member
    (female)
     
    jasmine76apl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
    Posts: 56
    jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    You've already gotten to the point where you knows it won't and IMO you was asking for our suggestions on how you can end it without hurting her too much. From what I gather you love her deeply as a friend but that is where it starts and stops. You've already struggled with your emotions and decision about rather to stay or leave and you himself came up with the decision to leave. Again bendb, I strongly suggest making a clean break when you can because if you know deep in your heart that you aren't happy then you also already know that you never will be. One thing that I have thought about in the last few days is if you have had such a bad relationship in the past that it turns you off when anyone else gets serious. If this is the case then maybe you need to see a professional about sorting out those issues, but if this isn't the case then prolonging the relationship with her thinking that it's going somewhere is not only cruel to her but you are being dishonest to you both and not doing either of you any favors.

    And please know that all of this you see on here is only advice that we can offer, only you can know what is right for you and your girlfriend and in the end I'm sure you will have made the right decision.

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 06-29-2012 at 05:22 PM. Reason: Please respond to the original question, not other answers. Thanks.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 08:10 AM   #15
    Deadmano
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Deadmano's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2012
    Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
    Posts: 3
    Deadmano HB User
    Re: The girl who did nothing wrong...

    There comes a time in life when a second chance can be stretched, because if you don't try then how are things to get better by themselves? Would you want to live a life of not knowing what could have happened if you had tried every possible situation?

    I can't expect everyone to view things the way I do, but for me there aren't second or third chances, but a lifetime of commitment till every possible scenario has been exhausted and there is no way forward. You make your own happiness, with your own actions causing a chain-reaction from others.

    Once again, bendb, I wish you all of the best and that you may make the best possible decision based on your own feelings. Please keep us informed if you will!

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 06-29-2012 at 05:23 PM. Reason: Please respond to the original question, not other answers. Thanks.

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:29 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!