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  • Breakup after 36 years of marriage

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    Old 06-23-2012, 11:43 AM   #1
    skimom
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    Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    My husband has cheated on me more than once in our marriage. The first time was over 20 years ago when the kids were little. I attributed it to family stress and me being exhausted. We mended after that. I just found out this week that there have been more since then and particularly in the past 3 years. He has "someone special" right now. He has left our home after leaving a letter for me. Cheesy I know. He needs time to think things over and decide if he could come back and never do this again. He has lost his faith in God, is depressed over business failures, and I guess my recent health problems were too much for him. I do love him but I'm also not a fool. I believe people can patch things up and in the interest of my family I would try. I suppose I have to just give him time alone to decide if he can come back. If he can't then decision made. At first I was angry and just said "I'm done". Now rethinking things slowly. If anyone has a similar experience, I would appreciate feedback. Thanks.

     
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    Old 06-23-2012, 07:10 PM   #2
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    The question here is less "can he come back?", and more "Will I let him back?". He doesn't seem to have any remorse about what he puts you through, but plenty of self pity. I can't believe he can just go off to decide whether or not he will grace your marriage with his presence. He acts as if he is the one being wronged. He just won't man up and admit that he is totally responsible for his cheating - NOT your tiredness or health issues, NOT his business problems, just plain old selfish dishonesty and betrayal. I wouldn't have him back. Sera

    Last edited by Seraph; 06-23-2012 at 07:11 PM.

     
    Old 06-23-2012, 07:46 PM   #3
    Kszan
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    I'm with Sera. I can't add much to what she said. He needs to man up and accept responsibility for his actions and he needs to learn there are major consequences to his selfish actions up to and including YOU not wanting HIM back. Don't let him put this on you!

     
    Old 06-23-2012, 10:59 PM   #4
    skimom
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    He wrote me a letter. That's how he left. I came home from an exercise class and there it was. He said in the letter that it was his fault. That he made this mess. He admitted all the affairs. And now I know of the one special one. It's incredibly hard to have your life change in an instant. And be in a big house suddenly alone. Incredible. At least I have my kids still. I'm so danged loyal I guess. I'm still thinking we must patch it up. But there may be no choice on my part. He's with someone else. After this many years of sharing one's life, it's just too hard to face that now you will be alone. He's always been so strong. It would appear that he has lost his mind, however. Thank you for your feedback.

    Last edited by skimom; 06-23-2012 at 11:00 PM.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 07:50 AM   #5
    Kandles
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    Why the hell would you want him to come back!! Close that door and don't open it back up to him ever again. Respect yourself!! Screw him, he's a jerk! You deserve so much better than someone who cheats on you. He can have fun with his new girlfriend but he doesn't deserve someone like you back.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 08:18 AM   #6
    jasmine76apl
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    Skimom,

    I totally sympathize with your situation and although I've never been hurt to the extent you just have I can't help but feel sorry for you. I agree with Sera and some of the others but I can understand how this is all so new to you and you are afraid of being alone at this stage in your life. I can also understand how you would feel lonely and scared to be in your house by yourself after all of these years, but if you do take him back please don't use the excuse that it's for your family. I've always thought that was a bad excuse for people to use in order to try and work things out. If you do try then it has to be because you love him, and to me it is obvious that he doesn't love you or he would never have hurt you like he has in the past or he's doing now. Please don't let yourself believe that he's off somewhere by himself trying to figure this out because I would bet my bottom dollar that he's not and further more that was cruel of him to lead you on and let you believe that there was any hope of him coming back. If he has found someone else you can also bet that he was pressured by this person to leave you and be with her, no one wants to share their partner when they can have them all to their selves. My advice get out of that relationship, sell that big house, and start a new and fresh life for yourself. I know it won't be easy but if you ever find another man that is worth your love you will wonder why you took so long and wasted so much time to find him. My heart really goes out to you and I hope and wish the best for you! Just remember that you deserve more out of life than dealing with an unfaithful husband!!! Your happiness and self respect should be wroth more than that! God bless you!

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 08:20 AM   #7
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    Your husband is selfish and selfcentered. Why would you want him back? Go on with your life. Start taking care of yourself. Start loving yourself..

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 08:32 AM   #8
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    This is your time to really think things through. Don't do anything rash and don't make a quick decision. Think through all the angles you can to come to the best decision for you.

    If he comes back, will you ever be able to fully trust that he came back because he loved or or just because this "special person" dumped him?

    If he comes back, can you truly forgive all of his indiscretions?

    Your kids are affected by this also. Remember to talk rationally with them, explain things, and do not say bad things about their father. Remember that they are children, and they don't need to know all the sordid details. Let them come to their own decisions about what he has done.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 01:30 PM   #9
    skimom
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    Thank you all. I have not trashed him to the kids. Who are grownups BTW but still live here with me. They are not too happy with him at the moment. I did tell him yesterday that I would go to counseling with him. Now I am sorry I said that I guess. It's hard to throw away 36 years and I'm the tender-hearted one. He has that side to him too but he is also self-centered and arrogant. An A type personality who is the boss. I feel that I get tossed and turned with each day and his current contriteness. I am going to see a lawyer on Monday just to discuss my options. He is the major breadwinner. Yes, one would wonder why I might want to give him another chance. Crazy probably. The fact is, I still don't know what is going to happen. Never thought this woud happen again.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 07:12 PM   #10
    Kandles
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    I know that it's a really long time, and that your whole life would be turned upside down...but that seems better than living with someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible. He could just end up doing it again, once a cheater always a cheater. I feel like you deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy.

     
    Old 06-29-2012, 10:17 PM   #11
    skimom
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    I do believe it depends on the reasons. I think my husband has had a breakdown of some kind. He knows he needs professional help. I know for sure I don't have to make any quick decisions. We have gone through a tremendous amount of stress the last few years. Job loss failed businesses and kid problems. My dog died after a long illness. Cheating isn't always the end of the world or a marriage. Thanks for talking

     
    Old 06-30-2012, 05:56 AM   #12
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by skimom View Post
    Cheating isn't always the end of the world or a marriage.
    Perhaps not if it only happened once and was over. But what you're saying is that this snake of a person cheated on you repeatedly, has zero remorse for it, and is blaming you for not being able to keep his pants zipped! Any one of those things is grounds for a divorce but all together and you've got a nuclear explosion with a fallout that majority of people would not be willing to hang around for. You can't use your kids as an excuse to stay together because you said yourself they are grown. The only thing that makes any sense here is that you don't want to lose the cushion of having him bring home the money and the thought of having to find work for yourself scares you enough to make you stay with a selfish lying cheater. You should have much higher standards for yourself. You should never let any man treat you like a doormat. It doesn't matter how long you have been married, in fact that's probably part of the reason why he stepped out. Men get bored and they use it as an excuse to cheat. I still say you shouldn't let him get away with it but it's your life and you're the one who needs to live it. Stay if you want but it looks like you're wasting your time and compromising your dignity by allowing this behavior to continue with no consequences for him.

    Last edited by Kszan; 06-30-2012 at 05:58 AM.

     
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    Old 06-30-2012, 06:28 AM   #13
    skimom
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    Re: Breakup after 36 years of marriage

    @ Kszan - you are right. He is a repeat offender as you say. It's huge. I am seeing a lawyer on Monday to discuss my options in case I do have to be on my own. The fact of the matter is that he is showing tremendous remorse right now. He writes me daily professing his shame and how he wishes he could turn back the clock. I feel like he used sex as a drug to numb himself. He probably was bored. I would now be wondering how I measured up. I clearly do not know him anymore. I think he is having a nervous breakdown. I am seeing my counsellor again this morning. Although, she has already told me we need marriage counseling. Most people just tell me it's my decision. It's natural to want your life back when it has been wrenched away from you violently. That doesn't mean I'll stay. This is going to take time to decide. We both need time to heal some wounds and get our heads on straight.

     
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