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To move or not to move an unhappy wife

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Old 06-24-2012, 09:54 AM   #1
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To move or not to move an unhappy wife

Here's the deal.

I live in the NYC area with my wife and 6 year old son. We barely make a living in the TV business here. We rent a small 2 bedroom attic apt. It's really pathetic. I have long wanted to move out of the area (the congestion and insanity is sucking my soul away) my wife however seems to like the energy.

However, she is generally unhappy - she complains and criticizes all the time - it's relentless. She is unhappy about our financial situation but then really never seems to be willing to take the steps necessary to improve it. (There's only so much we can cut back on now)

I am from Buffalo, NY. I love the area. Aside from some brutal winters (and they can be brutal) Buffalo is really a nice city, great people, and the cost of living is FANTASTIC.

I may have a job opportunity with a station in Rochester (about an hour north of Buffalo) making decent money that will afford us a house and a "normal" lifestyle. It's also a GREAT career opportunity for me, giving experience in an executive position.

And my wife would likely only need to work part time AND we could have another child together (which she desperately wants) Having one now in our current situation makes to sense.

Problems: Her family lives 2 hours from us now in DE so she would be 10 hours away from them in Rochester.

She is staff with her company and is 5 years away from an early retirement.

She would have to trust and rely on me which is tough for her to do (she is very controlling)

She HATES the area (although I think she likes it more than she lets on)

She hates the winters.

Plus, I'm confident my wife deals with depression that needs to be treated so this could send her over the edge.

But I know taking this job could drastically improve the quality of our lives. And I'm getting the impression she just isn't going to be happy regardless of our financial situation or where we live so - while I still have a little sanity and dignity - maybe I should just go for it?

But then I'm worried I'm just being selfish.

Should I pass up this opportunity and wait for something to open up closer to her family?

And I'm worried taking this job would be too much of a risk because what if the economy crashes again and we're left with nothing?



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Old 06-24-2012, 11:33 AM   #2
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Re: To move or not to move an unhappy wife

This is really hard. I can see both points of view. You have a great opportunity, and your wife will benefit from that. She has her job and the status there, which I am guessing she worked for. I can see her not wanting to 'waste' that effort. Being further from her folks would he hard, but not insurmountable. I think the overriding factor would be the easier lifestyle and the chance to have another baby. I think you should try to sell her those things. Sera

Old 06-24-2012, 09:17 PM   #3
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Re: To move or not to move an unhappy wife

Very straight forward and yet extremely insightful. Simple advice for a complex problem. That may be just what I need. Start selling! THANK YOU!

Old 06-27-2012, 08:01 AM   #4
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Re: To move or not to move an unhappy wife

Rochester can be a lovely place to live!, Especially the east side suburbs. We have been shielded somewhat from the housing bubble as our prices have pretty much remained the same. We already went through downsizing with the demise of Kodak, so that downturn is rather done. We don't have the size of Buffalo but we do have some very child friendly environments. DE isn't that far of a hop via plane, which it sounds like you would be able to afford with a better job. She could have her own house, which would def take up some of that controlling time, and the chance to have another child free-er from financial worries and with more room to breathe might help to offset that resistance to do anything that sometimes comes with depression. You both will have to work on getting treatment for the depression where ever you go, but it is not an insurmountable problem, any more than if one of you had arthritis or something. Dealing with the depression may help with those control and trust issues, which may just well be the result of the disease process. So a better situation for you may equip you better to handle the ups and downs of marriage, and of getting your wife through the disease process and treatment to where she'll be in a better place, both physically and metaphorically speaking. And please remember that "her family" is just support and YOUR family, the one that the two of you have made is the important thing. So if it is being selfish to put that interest above all else, so be it. It is not a bad thing. And raising 2 small kids is a full time job in and of itself. It may not be politically correct to point this out but the reality of it is that women often have to make hard choices about their career and family life. We may not like it but there it is. A better financial situation would enable your wife and you an opportunity to examine where you both are in life and where each of you wishes to be both as partners and individually within that partnership. The economy is uncertain but then so is life and hard times can come to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Wishing you the best from Rochester!

Old 06-29-2012, 07:17 AM   #5
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Cool Re: To move or not to move an unhappy wife

Don't ever feel bad for being selfish. It's your life, not hers. It just seems to me like she wants all of the control. Like you said, she's not going to be happy no matter where you go or what you do. The reason she isn't happy has nothing to do about where she is or who she's with, it has to do with herself. It sounds to me like she needs to come to terms with herself, and do a lot of thinking, and a lot of self improvement. Sometimes, people fall off the right path but we should never look down on them for doing so because eventually they might come back.

Move, tell her that you want to go. Tell her that YOU'RE not happy and that you want to finally do something to make both of your lives better. If she doesn't want to go, then tell her maybe it's time you rethink your relationship. Don't ever let ANYONE stop you from doing what you want to do.

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