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  • Leaving someone you love

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    Old 08-07-2012, 09:47 AM   #1
    blue712
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    Leaving someone you love

    I love my boyfriend a great deal. I have been with him for 5 years and that terrifies me. He is only the second person I have been in a relationship with and I am 24. I want to break up with him because I have had very little time to learn and grow from others because of our binding relationship. I have difficulty making friends now that I know I always have him if I can't seem to make friends out in the world. I also lost my independence and my identity. I think in terms of "we" rather than "me" or "I" and feel like "Aaron's girlfriend" rather than "Kaylee" (names changed). I haven't really done much of the things I love in life, as my boyfriend is quite lazy and only wants to sit in front of the tv and drink everyday, which affects me by breeding laziness in myself and being uninspired. He doesn't have any interest in most of the things I like aside from music, movies and books. He is also a very negative person and it brings me down quite a bit. I feel like my personality changed in our relationship. Instead of being fun-loving, bubbly, social, funny, intelligent, creative and unique like I used to be, I don't know who I am but I seem to be pretty shy, quiet and boring. Another reason I want to break up is that I haven't experienced many relationships and I don't know that I can't have a better relationship, or learn from mistakes with others or even just have fun with a few. I feel selfish and cruel. He wants to marry me. If I leave him, he is so unprepared. He lacks resources and just really doesn't have his **** together. He is financially strapped and doesn't even have a car to get him to work. Also, it's weird knowing his whole family and being considered part of their family. I know he will take this so hard. He said it would kill him if I ever left. Early on in the relationship he told me I was the main reason he hadn't killed himself and that worries me. I'm mostly in the relationship for his benefit.

    Even though I love him, I know he loves me more than I love him, I am certain of that. He deserves someone who reciprocates the same deep expression of love. He is my best friend and I still have some romantic feelings for him, so this will be exceedingly tough to go through with. I really feel that I need out and part of me is scared that I will be too chicken to say goodbye and will end up signing another lease, living with him and staying in the relationship forever while harboring resentment and bitterness. I a scared too. I want to remain best friends, but I know that if he even ever wants to see me again, that it will take a long time to feel able to have a friend relationship with me. He is the only real friend I have and the only source of social interaction outside of work, where I don't really connect with anyone anyway. When I decide to leave, what am I going to do? Sink or swim? I am just going to be dropped out there on my own, doing everything myself with no help or support from anyone.

    Please, I really need some advice. I am so scared. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

     
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    Old 08-07-2012, 09:54 AM   #2
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    yes its definately time for a change.....when you don't like the person you are around someone else
    you need to do this, also please read the book co-dependent no more......it helped me. you sound like you're more worried about him than you are about you.....that's the definition of a co-dependent....we put everyone elses needs above our own. It's time to be "selfish" and put yourself first. he doesn't have his act together? not your problem.....he's got family, let them worry about it.

     
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    Old 08-07-2012, 10:06 AM   #3
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    You're not wrong to feel this way. In fact it shows a lot of maturity that you are thinking all of these things about needing to discover yourself independently, wanting to have new experiences and growing from them. That's all really great stuff and it's awesome that you're realizing this while you're still so young. Go out there in the world and have some fun. The best thing that will happen for you is that you will learn a lot about yourself and probably have some great stories to share with people about your adventures.

    As for the guy, well, he is clearly going nowhere and you shouldn't saddle yourself with someone like that. I know it's hard to let go of the comfort factor and that whole thing about his family - I totally know how that feels! But trust me, you get over it once you realize you have your freedom back. You're making the right choice so don't second guess yourself!

     
    Old 08-07-2012, 10:20 AM   #4
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    Just by acknowledging and expressing your feelings about the relationship, you have already taken the first steps away. You will not go back, even if your body hangs around for a while. It is daunting and it is hard to separate 'love' from 'comfort' and 'safety'. You are doing him no good by colluding with his negative lifestyle. Rose is right about the codependency - read that book and it will answer a lot of your questions about your life. Take your life into your own hands; being single for the next part of your life will be a huge learning experience where you can get back in touch with yourself as a separate entity. Good luck, Sera

     
    Old 08-07-2012, 10:21 AM   #5
    Chrissy26
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    I don't think you're selfish and cruel. You have a right to want to live your life. You say you're in this relationship mostly for his benefit. That isn't healthy and in the end it's unfair to the both of you. A person simply cannot stay with someone because they threaten to kill themselves. That isn't love on either persons part. I think you need to leave him and worry about yourself for a change. Life goes on and believe me, he'll be okay.
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    Old 08-07-2012, 11:06 AM   #6
    toughgal012
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    Hello, I think you know its time for a change of plans concerning this relationship. You may have a sixth sense that this partenership has run its course, and are just in need of knowing what you want. It is easier to go down that road alone when you are confident and know deep down in your heart what you want. I gave up a two long year relationship about six months ago. He was my best friend and he was there for me. I loved him deeply, and it hurt me to do it. He is an alcoholic and an abuser so those two things provided me with enough bitterness in order to keep me away from him. I then proceeded to become depressed for about six weeks because of the break up. I usually can leave a relationship with my wits about me and come out happy about it. I had no clue how devastated I had really become being away from him. Do you know what? I did it for my protection and sanity, and now feel better about breaking off the relationship. I moved to the next state and never gave him a second chance to mess my life up. By the way, he can get a job and his own place. Please don't ever feel guilty because you can't provide some place for him to go and buy him things. He needs to grow up and be responsible for himself, and not depend on you as a mommy figure to leech off of until the next woman comes along. I would think carefully about where you want to be in the next five years. I would rather be alone then have to face many more years this kind of situation. I look forward to hearing happier news from you.

     
    Old 08-07-2012, 11:55 PM   #7
    blue712
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    Thank you all so much. Everyone had something very insightful to say and I value all of your responses. I know I am co-dependent which is the main reason I am deciding to do this. I will look into the book, thanks for the recommendation.

     
    Old 08-15-2012, 10:36 PM   #8
    blue712
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    I did it. Sort of....

    I told him I need to focus on me and help myself. I said I needed a fresh start and that I needed to be away from everything that linked me to my past. We were emotional. He asked several times if it was what I really wanted and that he would change. He said he would follow me if I needed to move out of the state and across the country. I explained again that I had to be on my own. He begged to at least remain a couple in our house with our things and our cat until our lease was up in Oct. Then we would go our separate ways. I agreed.

     
    Old 08-16-2012, 09:06 AM   #9
    rosequartz
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    Re: Leaving someone you love

    good for you blue!
    how do you feel? relieved?

     
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