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-   -   My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/916808-my-boyfriend-makes-me-cry-but-he-cares.html)

ilcb 09-02-2012 09:59 AM

My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
My boyfriend (we are both 21) makes me cry about random things a lot. The most recent instance:

Sep 2, 2012 – We were signing up for CNN newsletter, I couldn’t figure out how to sign up and my computer screen wasn’t working because it said “loading profile, this should only take a few seconds” and I waited like 5 minutes each time even after refreshing. He got frustrated/mad at me when I asked if he could just use the username and password I have to sign up. I also couldn’t figure out how to subscribe as fast as he did, so he got mad at me. Hurt my feelings “I just don’t understand how you can be so bad at technology” “Why cant you do it yourself?” I can do it myself. It would just take longer for me, and if you’ve already figured it out and are so good with technology why cant you type in my un/pw and click subscribe? My computer is old and glitchy and something that would take me 10 tries would take you 1. --> from my "cry chart" I started recently to try to make sense of it all.

He apologized to me, but this seems to happen all the time... He is an angry person by nature and conversely my parents have never once been really angry at me and I am have a non combative personality (in the same situation where other couples argue, he argues and I just cry). He is caring and is never abusive or anything, but I'm afraid that if I'm crying so much now will he just get worse in the future since we are still semi in the "honeymoon phase?" I love him so much and I know he loves me too, but I hate crying so much all the time... especially when most of it isn't my fault. Also, because I'm crying a lot I'm worried that if I cry in the future about something truly important he won't care as much since I cry so much now. We're currently in a long distance relationship (but will be in the same place in less than a year) and he makes me cry over *****.

More about his personality: whenever something goes not the way he planned he gets super upset... sometimes unreasonably. He knows he's being unreasonable and still he gets very angry and violent to objects like kicking the radiator with all his might. This happened when he sent in his passport and they sent it back with his name misspelled... he became very angry and had a kicking fest with the radiator while I was on *****. I was very scared, but I know for a fact he would never hurt me. Lastly, I am very open and honest with him and have told him many times that his behavior scares me sometimes and hurts my feelings when he makes me cry. However, it keeps happening partially because I'm oversensitive when he gets angry and partially because he can't really control his anger well. What should I do?

Edit: I'm skyping him now and told him looking for shadowing opportunities isn't going so well and he just said "Don't worry, you'll find something good eventually I know it." This is him most of the time.

Rubidubi 09-02-2012 11:26 AM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
He is 21 and has a bad temper now, imagine when he gets older and you have to put up with a lot worse.. If you can tolerate his verbal abuse then you really dont need our suggestions, but if you can not tolerate it then get out of it now. You are too young to be going through this, I bet you'll have zero self esteem left by the time you'll reach 25 if you continue with this relationship.. So get out of it. Thanks!

Belly Kelly 09-02-2012 12:14 PM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
While he might have some anger issues, you have to also face the fact that crying over every little argument or when he looks at you the wrong way is also your flaw. To me, the two of you don't sound like a good match, emotionally.

Kszan 09-02-2012 12:24 PM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
I agree. You're too emotional and he is too angry and there is no balance in this relationship. I think you both need someone more compatible because this relationship isn't working for either of you.

Rellie61 09-02-2012 06:45 PM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
Hi just wondering, if you your BF understands how you feel when he says the things he does that upset you. Maybe try and talk to him explain how you feel, allow him to say what is on his mind too. I have found that everything not matter what it is can be sorted out, if that is what is really wanted by both parties. Start your talk with a promise that if either of you get upset or angry to stop the talk wait awhile and start again when you are both settled. You say you love each other are you both willing to work at it, if you are then it will work out, be honest :) You both are young and still learning about yourselves never mind adding someone else into your own lives, give each other the space,time and encouragement to grow together as well as an indivudal person. Just my two cents :) Hope things work out for you both :)

pinkrose12 09-02-2012 10:13 PM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
Your boyfriend does NOT sound like a grown man that truly loves a woman, namely you. You say he is not abusive but he mostly certainly is abusive given the way he talks to you when ask for help and has anger fits that scare you when things don't go his way. You Did not mention one thing that sounded like this man really cares about you. If he did would treat you with kindness and respect consistently particularly when you cry. You say you are afraid if you cry more he will essentially leave you. This creates stress and anxiety for you which leads to you walking on emotional eggshells. Another sign of emotional abuse. Rather your boyfriend sounds self-centered and very immature on in addition to being abusive. Given this, care enough about yourself and walk away now before it gets worse and it WILL get worse.

sakura84 09-03-2012 12:18 PM

Re: My boyfriend makes me cry but he cares?
 
[QUOTE=pinkrose12;5049721]Your boyfriend does NOT sound like a grown man that truly loves a woman, namely you. You say he is not abusive but he mostly certainly is abusive given the way he talks to you when ask for help and has anger fits that scare you when things don't go his way. You Did not mention one thing that sounded like this man really cares about you. If he did would treat you with kindness and respect consistently particularly when you cry. You say you are afraid if you cry more he will essentially leave you. This creates stress and anxiety for you which leads to you walking on emotional eggshells. Another sign of emotional abuse. Rather your boyfriend sounds self-centered and very immature on in addition to being abusive. Given this, care enough about yourself and walk away now before it gets worse and it WILL get worse.[/QUOTE]

Personally, reading your post, I feel that you both need some growing up to do. When I was your age, I was like you: I didn't know how to handle frustration and stress and ended up crying over the dumbest things. Sure, we all show our emotions and deal with stress differently, but there comes a time where we all have to suck it up and work through things without crying. In a mature relationship, you have to show the other person that you can handle obstacles in your life without crying or breaking down or constantly asking someone for help/assistance - no one wants that, not even you. People become attracted to resiliency. YOU will be attracted to your own resiliency. It makes you more confident and, therefore, more mature. Believe me. I've been there.

That being said, whomever you're with should never belittle you or make you feel that you're not able to do things on your own. From what you have written, yeah, maybe he doesn't have abusive tendencies - YET. Kicking radiators over a mistake on a passport? People don't regularly do that. That is NOT acceptable. Snapping at you for asking him an innocent question? That is NOT acceptable. I never believed that my ex would hurt me; I saw him being physically aggressive with inanimate objects, but told myself that he would never touch me. In the end, he pushed me numerous times when he was drunk and one time told me he would stab me. I told myself that he was drunk and didn't mean it. But, you know what? WHY was I putting myself through that? In your case, it hasn't gotten worse, BUT IT COULD and I bet it will. People like your boyfriend and my ex can't handle their own stress and will, in the end, take it out on things or PEOPLE that are around them. Maybe he's not physically abusing you, but he is verbally abusing you.
That being said, who knows - maybe he won't hurt you, but do you want to stick around and find out?

From what I'm reading, the person he is can't be with the person YOU ARE. You personalities are not fitting. It's like a puzzle. You see a piece that could fit: it's sort of the same colour, the edges look as though they might fit, and you're trying to bash it together, determined to make it fit. But it doesn't fit; try as you might, it's NOT the right piece.

I can't make up your mind for you, but I can sit back and look at this objectively. I hope you reflect on what I have said and make a decision. Only you will really know what the best decision is for yourself. You will learn from experience and I hope that your choice will be the best one for you.


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