HealthBoards (
-   Relationship Health (
-   -   To give up or not?? (

ElizaLou 09-03-2012 04:58 PM

To give up or not??
Hi! This is my first post and i'd really like some help with a relationship but i'll try not to make this too long!

I have been close friends with a guy for about 10 years now and its fair to say that for maybe 5 of them he was very interested in being more than friends with me, but i just didnt see him in that way. I told him so on all occasions whenever he ever asked about taking things further with our relationship. He used to tell me that he thought i was really 'cold' but i used to just try and make sure we were just being friends and i wasnt leading him on in any way. We both went through other relationships and have always been close friends no matter what. So we saw each other as friends with no kind of regularity for ages and then we started seeing each other more and more often and a few years back suddenly it hit me like BAM i think I'm actually in love with this man. I started to see him in a completely different way to how id seen him before and i just kept thinking how have i missed noticing how great this man is?! and that my feelings had grew from a string friendship to actually being in love with this man and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. But because of the years of me basically rejecting him at every turn i had no clue about how to tell him. So one night i got drunk and ended up telling him via text which was just a HUGE mistake. He told me how offened he was that i could only tell him something like that when i was drunk and that he didnt think we should talk anymore. Which i completely understood.

So about 6 months pass and we had no contact at all apart from me sending the occasional text asking him if i was allowed to talk to him again and him telling me to delete his number. This was really hard for me knowing that it was all my fault for losing him and how selfish i had acted over the years with him but i respected his desicion and left him alone and eventually he got back intouch.

I was so overwhelmed with happiness when he got back intouch, it was like the last 6 months hadnt happened we started seeing each other again more and more often, i got to kiss him for the first time which just make my heart explode but thats as far as we went. we havent ever 'done the deed' as such even though we've both wanted to and come very close its just never happened. So this kind of pattern emerged where we'd see each other 5 times a week but we never actually moved things forward. I now know with hindsight that i think its becasue i was so afraid that he would 'leave' me again that i wasnt sure what to do for the best. I told him i couldnt deal with him hating me again and he would just say ok. As far as i was concerned he was becoming more than a friend and sure things were moving slowly but after 10 years whats 3 months??

Then he told me out of the blue that he had found a girlfriend that he didnt think it would go anywhere but he thought i should know, i was heartbroken. I couldnt understand how when things were going what i thought to be ok he was looking for someone else. I asked him why he had gone looking for someone else when i was here and he said that he had gotten over wanting me in the way that i now wanted him, that he wanted more from a relationship than he thought he would ever get from me and that he just didnt feel that way for me anymore. I was so upset and hurt and confused but i couldnt cope with losing him completely again so i played the part of being a good friend for the best part of last year. I've helped him to deal with him telling me he is in love with her and then help him deal with their break up. Hes been casually dating a few girls since the woman he fell in love with and i've just sat by and prentened like im ok with it.

But the truth is im not not ok. Sometimes im so overcome with sadness that hes not mine that i can barely function, other times i find myself being jealous of an imaginary girl hes with. But no matter how many times i tell myself i need to let him go i just cant. I havent dated anyone else since i realised im in love with him and hes told me in plain terms that it isnt ever going to happen with us he just doesnt feel that way anymore. Hes told me i should stop seeing him because hes stopping me getting on with my life but the thought of losing him scares me so much that i just lie to him and say i know it wont happen and im completely fine with us just being friends blah blah anything that i know will pacify him to keep him in my life.

I still see him maybe twice a week and occasionally we will get into heavy petting again but he always stops and tells me he shouldnt because it would mean something different for me that it would for him and so we stay as we are. He knows that i love him deeply and he has told me he loves me too just not in any way that would change things between us. It just hurts so much that i know one day hes going to find his 'someone' and im going to have to be happy for him while dying a little more inside.

So after all that (sorry!) i want to know should i give up on him? I sort of feel that after all the time he spent waiting for me it would be really unfair of me to just give up on him. He's still around for me after everything that has happened so i just feel awful if i say i cant see you anymore because of how much it hurts me to not have you always.

I just dont know what to do for the best but i feel like im going to spend another 2 years of my life waiting and before i know it, it will be too late for me to do anything.

You thoughts will be very much appreciated good or bad! xx

mommyfix 09-03-2012 06:34 PM

Re: To give up or not??
I will start by saying I feel really bad for your situation because unrequited love can be extremely painful. You say you and this man have been friends for 10 years. That's a long time, and it seems as though you have a pretty strong friendship. It seems to me since he has admitted he no longer feels the feelings you do, that it is time for you to move on. What can you get from hanging on, knowing how he feels, except more heartache? As for what to say, you should absolutely tell him that it hurts too much to be around him and you have to move on. Be honest and I am sure he will understand.
Who knows? Maybe your Mr. Right is just around the corner, you only open yourself up to it.

ElizaLou 09-04-2012 12:04 PM

Re: To give up or not??
Thanks for your advice - i didnt realise i had written so much!

I know that i have to move on from him because he wont ever feel that way about me again, i just find it so hard being 'just friends'

But like i said he never stopped being my friend so is it really heartless if me to stop being his because i cant keep my feelings in check??

Kristoforo 09-17-2012 10:10 PM

Re: To give up or not??

I thoroughly sympathize with your dilema. At present I am in the same situation as you with a woman who has also asked me to relegate our intimate relationship to a mutual friendship. Her motivation however is quite different from your former boyfriend. Before I met her she had become a nun for several years in a religious order. Subsequently she was dismissed from her religious order and is now in psychiatric therapy.

Her demeanor was always affected by her former religious affiliation and she keeps all of her inner thoughts and strivings to herself. Any attempt to discover her true feelings for me was very subtly thwarted by her lifelong religious orientation. She prefers not to go out with a single companion, but always prefers a group setting. I have expressed my feelings to her and have always been met with her own particular reasoning which expresses her wish to logically and sensibly limit our emotional feelings for each other.

I must admit that she enjoys my company and I realize that I must constantly sense the point when I have passed a certain intimacy boundary. This is quite devastating to me; something like an invisible brick wall which hinders any further intimacy. I would rather just call it quits than try to repeatedly break this boundary. So ElizaLou, our mutual decision to call it quits, however painful, might be our best course of action.

ElizaLou 10-04-2012 03:02 PM

Re: To give up or not??
Thanks for your advice! A quick update...

It now appears that he has forced my hand on giving him up, a fortnight ago we had what i thought was a minor arguement after a wonderful couple of days. He walked out and has not spoken to me since. At first i let things be thinking that he just needed time to cool off and i have now tried talking to him and he just ignores me.

I know i should just take this as a massive clue that now is the time to move on but i cant help feeling like i did nothing wrong and there are things unsaid left between us. I just wish that he would talk to me to tell me why. But at the same time i know that if i keep bugging him to talk to me i'll just drive him further away...urgh men!

Kristoforo 10-04-2012 05:50 PM

Re: To give up or not??
There is no justification for anyone, male or female not to respond to a question or an appeal to talk things out. Its not that males donít care; itís just that we feel threatened by being forced to interact with a person with whom we have issues with.

So instead of facing up to an unresolved issue we run away from it and hope that it goes away. This is a cowardly method of issue avoidance and some men would rather let any differences just remain unresolved. However this avoidance technique is really not representative of all men.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:16 AM.