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  • Dealing with my Boyfriends Adult Daughter

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    Old 09-10-2012, 12:42 AM   #1
    mjbgma's Avatar
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    Dealing with my Boyfriends Adult Daughter

    We have been together for going on 6 years. I guess there are several things going on here besides the troublesome daughter. I moved into my BF's home and he had a male roommate who had lived there for nearly 15 years "rent free". The agreement was that I would move in and the roommate would move out within 3 - 6months. Well three years later the roommate was still there and the BF would get defensive about not wanting to throw the roommate out when the roomate was down on his luck financially. I set a timeframe of 6 months, he goes or I do. I ended up moving out and it's been six months since I left and the roommate is still there with no move out date. The plan has always been to get married, but I don't see us any closer to it today as I did 6 months ago. I moved into my own apartment and we have been dating, been on a few trips abroad, things have been going really great with us. Feedback please.

    Now for the daughter.....she is in her 30's, single mom, has four young children from different fathers. Receives no child support, battled an illness that prevented her from working but has a clean bill of health currently, and is on assistance. She constantly makes poor choices that affect her children and Dad is constantly having to bail her out for her poor choices. I'm afraid she now looks at her father as her mate or "other half". He is taking her to all of her Dr.'s appointments whether they are for her or the children so he can help watch the children for her. She calls on him to be the disciplinarian when the two older ones are fighting. She calls on him to attend school meetings for the children with her. He takes most responsibilty for all her vehicle repairs. It seems lately she is showing a pattern of everytime he is with me (and she knows we are doing something) she wil call him and tell him it's an emergency and wants him to pick up one of her children or administer discipline. It's like a sibling calling her "Daddy" on her siblings to tell on them. I told my BF I didn't think it was right that she put him in a disciplinarian role, he's the Grandfather not the Father and that they are distinct different roles unless the Grandparent is raising the child. Also, everytimy my BF and I do something like go out of town or something fun, she takes an attitude with him and doesn't let him see the grandchildren for days on end. She posts pictures of her and her father on Social Media Sites which seems creepy to me since she see's or talks to him daily. Maybe it's just me and I resent it. I have reached out to her and been nothing but nice, and she's nice to my face but I know she must really dislike me. When we came home from a trip last year, we came home to her and all four children having moved into our home without our knowledge. I was livid and told him that either they go or I go. He moved them into an apartment the next day. This was the second time in one year that he had to finance an apartment for her. Her entire situation has put so much strain on our relationship, but he makes excuses for her all the time. First it was her physical illness, and now he says she has mental issues. I suggest maybe she needs some help, but he says she doesn't think she needs it. The girl changes her phone number every other week, no exxageration. I'm at my wits end on how to deal with this. I know it is his daughter and she will always be the daughter so maybe I should cut my losses and run!!!! But then I keep hoping she will find someone. She always calls her Dad to tell him of this man or that man who is interested in her and wants to support her and her children. I feel she tells him this more for a reaction. Once she said a construction worker asked her to have sex in her bathroom while doing some repair work in her home and she kicked him out of the house and she immediately called her Dad and he advised her if it was that bad to call the Police.

    He is a kind, giving and wonderful person with integrity but he is torn. I know this is difficult on him as well. So much that he tries to shelter me from his involvement with them to the point that he does not tell me much anymore. I know I have been negative at times but have tried to approach it in a diplomatic way.

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    Old 09-10-2012, 07:01 AM   #2
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    Re: Dealing with my Boyfriends Adult Daughter

    Wow... yeah

    The daughter seems to have an issue with any other female in her dads life..
    Where is her mother? That could have a lot to do with her not "liking" you. But yes its his child and hes going to be there.. if your in for the ride try getting closer with her children... that may calm the fears and hers as well. But she looks to her daddy as a BIG support chair. She may have underlaying issues from her childhood dealing with her mother or other women he has brought into her life.. so if you really want to be with this guy you need to accept his child and grandchildren.

    No the grandfather shouldnt be the one disciplining etc but maybe thats what they need, a strong male figure in there life.

    Him not telling the other room mate goodbye would have been a warning flag for me, but some people are very caring and dont want to rock the boat in any situation. So that could have been the problem.

    Daddys and there daughters are veerry hard to come inbetween. Try to get closer with her and her children see how that helps.

    Old 09-10-2012, 07:33 AM   #3
    mjbgma's Avatar
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    Re: Dealing with my Boyfriends Adult Daughter

    Thanks for the feedback. Yes he is a kind and giving person and does not like confronation. The roommate is almost like a brother and I know he's been afraid the roommate would harm himself if he were to make him move out when he was really down on his luck. His friends tell him he's babied the roomate enough and really should have him move out.

    As for the daughter. I feel like I'm the other women, There is my BF, me and my 18 year old daughter in one life, and then its as though he has a complete other life caring for his daughter and her children. He says he doesn't mind taking her to her appointments because it's his way to spend time with her and the grandchildren.

    As for her mother, she left nearly 20 years ago to follow the psychic world and my BF raised the daughter and a son. The son went on to college has a successful life and family and she was a challenge through HS. The Mother is still around, she's remarried but the daughter gets along with her for just very short windows of time. I watch both the Mother and my BF cater to her needs, they tip toe on egg shells constantly with her. My BF had a few relationships over the years, but no one as serious as he and I. He and I knew each other from HS. I am the only GF he ever asked to move in.

    I have worked to try and build a relationship with the children, the oldest 12 resents my daughter and I. He was extremely jealous of my BF doing anything for my daughter. He also was upset thinking that his Grandfather was paying my cell phone bill (which he wasnt) A real sense of entitlement for him. The next to the oldest, I have done some art projects with them, I've been active in xmas shopping for them, put together fun sleep-overs for them. The one thing that has been difficult is that my BF has not taken me into consideration when he had decided to have grandchildren over. I feel if we are partners we should consult each other when we want to entertain all the children. He does not see it that way.

    The daughter calls anytime she's had enough of the oldest and wants to have my BF pick him up and keep him at his house or drop him off.

    Old 09-12-2012, 03:37 PM   #4
    Join Date: Sep 2012
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    sol4J HB User
    Re: Dealing with my Boyfriends Adult Daughter

    My heart goes out to you and I realized that you are in a tough situation right now; trying to determine what boundaries should be set in regarding your BF’s daughter. You are right to protect your relationship and guard your heart.

    <There is a book that may help you>, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud . Take care!

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-14-2012 at 03:08 PM.

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