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confused2013 01-25-2013 11:50 AM

Trust Issues In Relationship
This is my first time posting anything like this online, but I guess you could say that there's really nothing else I can think of. My fiance and I have been together for a few years now and are engaged to get married, but won't until we have resolved one major issue.. Trust. A few months ago we came clean with each other and gave each other brutal honesty. And it came down to that we had both been unfaithful once and only once, and it wasn't anything as drastic as full on sexual intercourse.. to be honest, it was just "making out" I guess you could say. Regardless of how little was done physically, the results for both of us were devastating. Neither of us can trust the other, though we desperately want to.

We've agreed to starting over with a new slate.. from that day on we have been brutally honest about the smallest and biggest of things, and we have obviously agreed 100% faithfulness and loyalty. And for the most part, things have been great since we then.. but every 2-3 months we hit a wall.. one of us will start over thinking and building suspicions and sometimes outwardly accuse the other with no basis.. which I understand the lack of trust.. but don't think it's fair to either of us when both of us are really trying.. But we still seem stuck on it.. it's not the unfaithful aspect that has "ruined" us, for lack of a better word, it's the fact that the trust was broken.. it was months before we both told each other about it.. we both want this to work and we both want to get past this and we do want to get married.

We both have 2 children each, so this further complicates some solutions we're tossing around, as we want stability not just for our relationship, but his and my children. We've thought about moving out in separate places and continuing the relationship to see where it goes from there, we've also discussed a 30 day no contact option with the obvious rules of being faithful and still being in a relationship.. they're drastic, but all we can think of other than continuing to live with each other.. I don't agree with the moving out option unless we're ending the relationship, I want to be able to work through this together as a team.. as partners..

I guess you could say I'm looking for feedback on these options, and also desperately seeking out any other solutions that could possibly help us work through this. We've been and continue to be honest with each other, call/txt each other, always remain on time, we have great communication, and we have the same goal.. to rebuild trust in each other, get through this and work on our relationship.. we know there's no easy way or "quick fix" but we feel we need to come up with something that could get us on the right track. Any suggestions, advice or personal opinions would be greatly appreciated.

lenvegas 01-27-2013 08:48 AM

Re: Trust Issues In Relationship
Hi, the disease of suspicion can certainly ruin a relationship. Trust issues in the past and personal insecurity are a few causes of suspicion. When you and your fiancee made that deal to be 100% faithful, that should have been it. If you get those feelings of suspicion, don't tell your partner unless you have absolute proof something is going on. You need to deal with it yourself and not get each other involved with your baseless suspicion. We are always attracted to other people even when we are committed but the point is not to act on it. So, if you are using phone calls and texts to keep tabs on your partner you are heading down a dark road. The trick is to grow up and deal with your own insecurities and give your partner enough space so that being faithful will be a choice and not a demand.

metalzombie 01-28-2013 07:26 AM

Re: Trust Issues In Relationship
I agree with lenvegas. Making unfounded accusations doesn't do anything for a relationship. Rebuilding trust just takes time. If you both have the same goal and you are both working towards that goal and have good communication, then it seems to me that you are on the right track. The other options seem like options for people who are splitting up, not for people trying to work through their problems.

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