HealthBoards (
-   Relationship Health (
-   -   Husband of 8 years lied about STD (

Heartbroken73 01-30-2013 08:45 AM

Husband of 8 years lied about STD
I recently had an episode that terrified me. I told my husband immediately that I thought something was wrong. I went to the Doctors and he had no desire to go. He said if it's herpes, I better not give it to him. Later he told me that he loved me no matter what and we actually had sex a couple times before the test results came back. He did however insist we use condoms. Which i agreed. I got the results back, I am postive for HerpesII.
Later that week he was sick and decided to go to MedCheck. On the paperwork it listed current medications. Two of which were for Herpes. I confronted him and he said he didn't know what they were for.
Our medical insurance is under my name. I did call and confirm with his doctors office that it was specifically for Herpes outbreaks. He had requested refils through our pharmacy atleast 10 times in the past 2 years. He finally told me that he does in fact have it. He has had it for over 20+ years. He said he was embarrassed to tell me.
I am so upset. My husband has lied to me. Infected me and he was going to make me believe it was my fault for bringing into our marriage. And eventually say that I infected him. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS???

rosequartz 01-30-2013 08:49 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
I will tone it down and say an insecure scared person.......
but the good news is he had this before, he didn't get it by recently long have you been married?

Heartbroken73 01-30-2013 08:56 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
[QUOTE=rosequartz;5125229]I was going to say a scumbag, but I will tone it down and say an insecure scared person.......
but the good news is he had this before, he didn't get it by recently long have you been married?[/QUOTE]

We have been together for 13 years. Married for 8. The doctor was surprised it took this long for me to get it. I understand people have the STD. That's not the part that i'm so upset about. I can't believe the first thing I do is show/tell him. The first thing he does is blames me.

rosequartz 01-30-2013 08:59 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
I don't blame you for being upset! Your feelings are completely valid!
I just can't understand how he could keep something like this from you for so long

Kszan 01-31-2013 07:12 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
I have an acquaintance (friend of a friend) who has never told her husband that she has herpes. They have been married about 5 years and they have a 2 yr old son. She made a huge deal out of telling everyone that she was having the baby via c-section because she said she wanted to "preserve the area" and avoid an episiotomy or stretching or whatever. I didn't know she had it until my friend told me and then I just felt bad for her husband who is totally clueless about it.

So my point for telling you is that it's not uncommon for spouses to withhold that kind of info. I think it's a shady thing to do and I'm sorry that your husband lied. I don't have a whole lot of patience for people like him so I guess I don't have anything positive to say. I think I'd probably scream at him for 45 minutes about it but that wouldn't solve the problem. Sorry I don't have any good advice for you this time.

sadgirl74 01-31-2013 07:34 PM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
sucks thats what i say. but when and where did he get it at ? call the insurance company and see when they first started to RX the pills for it.

also the fact he was going to lay this all on you ? really? i am not sure i would stay in this relationship girl, sorry. this would be a deal beaker for me. i think he was going to use it to break up with u. he may already have a girl one the side hence having "herpes".

men with stds screw around a lot. i dont really care what other kind comments the other ppl here have for you. you need a reality check here and now. sorry to be the one to give it to u. u deserve a better guy asap. if you divorce now or what ever can u live $$ on your own?

if not start socking his money away asap. 50 here, 100 there, get enough as fast as possible to rent a studio if u have to, enough for a cheap junky car maybe 1200 at least for that and sock something away for the bills, utilities, deposit etc and go. a divorce takes at least 3 months.

start now. you can do your own papers, or find a local womens group for abused women or battered women bc yes this is a form of battery and they will agree with u and they can also help u fill out papers.

when i was recently divorced i had to ask them for help also and they gave it to me and the divorce was easy and fast and painless.

whats next from him for you: gonorrhea,syphilis, aids etc you better get tested for all of those also. thank God u arent pregnant also.

i would go, but get ready to be on your own also. if nothing else a local womans shelter may be a place to stay if need be. hugs and keep all faith in God. he will bring you some one better.

if you do stay find a way to track his every move, i bet u, u find a another girl or maybe three or four.

Heartbroken73 02-01-2013 08:50 AM

I had his doctors office verify that he started receiving the meds in 1993. I honestly don't believe that he's had relationships on the side. I have the means to move, I'm leaning towards moving out. I can't even look at him without getting upset. And I actually find myself at peace with the idea of being on my own. The downfall is our family and friends. My number one concern is our son. He is very active in sports. Straight A student. Amazing heart. I am terrified that I will destroy my sons outlook on marriage and life. I am ok with being alone. I would deffinately tell the next person that I would be intimate with knowing that I could be rejected. I also fear people finding out why we've split. I know that it will have such a negative stigmatism for my husband. And even though I hurt I do not want to cause any further pain.

BeaTrade 02-01-2013 10:28 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
The worst part of it all is that he was accusing you of giving it to him! I believe that's inexcusable really! I'll dare he! The fact he has herpes is really very insignificant if you ask me! Being informed of the virus as I am, I realize that it is extremely common and MANY MANY people have it totally unaware of that fact! So many finger pointers who think they are so ABOVE having it, if they would go and get tested they would find out that they already have been infected. You do not have to even ever have a single symptom of it...just be exposed and you could be a carrier. Seriously, I wish testing was mandatory!

Heartbroken73 02-01-2013 10:51 AM

I have been a blood donor for years... And you know they don't even test for the Herpes virus?!? Crazy if you ask me! It isn't the fact that I have it now. It's not even the fact that he has it. It's the point that he hid it. Never even have me the option. And then he was going to truly manipulate the situation so that his secret would never be found out. I ask again... What kind of person does that?!? That is inexcusable, I agree! It has instantly changed me.

lenvegas 02-02-2013 10:01 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
Your husband has been taking anti viral medication to mainly protect you as herpes outbreaks are few and far between and generally last a few weeks. I have had it since 1981 and have had no outbreaks since 1985. By him taking these medications it will reduce his chances of transmitting it to you, however there is still a small chance it will be passed to you.. He may have felt that by taking these medications the risk to you was nill hence the surprise when he leaned you contracted it. I was married for 11 years and never told my wife and I never took meds for it. Your husband did alot more than I did and in my opinion should be commended for taking the medication even though he lied to you about it which should not be condoned. Many people say you have the right to walk out of your marriage and that is your choice and the other is to forgive .

BeaTrade 02-02-2013 02:21 PM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
I can agree that maybe he believed in his mind that by taking the meds that he couldn't transmit it but ignorance of the virus is no excuse for falsely accusing her when he knew good and well that he was already infected with the virus! I am sure that many people keep this a secret and that is very wrong but to accuse her of something that he knew was not true is just deplorable!

Heartbroken73 02-02-2013 09:50 PM

He didn't take the meds to keep me from getting it. He took them to keep me from finding out about it. He said he's so relieved that now I know. Which I could understand to have that weight on his shoulders must have been horrible. But I wonder how many times I felt isolated or distant from him because he was actually having an outbreak and didn't want me to "want" to be intimate with him? It's a never ending circle starting with "What if". I think I'm honestly still in shock. What if he would've just told me? What if he would've came clean when I started to show signs? What if he wouldn't have tried to manipulative the situation?

Waiting2011 02-06-2013 05:25 AM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
So sorry! I understand being embarrassed, however... his selfishness extended beyond his concern for your health. He has knowingly made decisions about you and your future (whether you are with him or not) and taken your choices away. And when the issue came up, manipulation at its finest. I would sincerely do some soul searching.

heilers 08-08-2013 06:44 PM

Re: Husband of 8 years lied about STD
Dear Heartbroken,

I will tell you I too have been lied to. I've been with my husband for 10 years and this October we will be married for 9. I too never knew until just recently. I feel really na´ve and mislead. About 6 years after we were married I notice medication he had been taking (Val acyclovir). I did not know what this was and really didn't pay much attention to it. Then a television ad came on with Valtrex and the other alternative medications related to this drug and Herpes. I was sickened. I approached with kindness as this has to be some kind of mistake. As I was told, "Babe, that's not what you think it's for." I say, "Then what is it for?" I was informed it was for a skin rash he gets every once in a while. And he proceeded to show me. (this is where I feel really stupid).

Life moves on and now I'm into taking medical classes. And I'm reading up on diseases and medications for all types of diseases. I realize that what he may be telling me is not true. A couple of reasons. I am having infections every time after we have sex. I mean every single time. Then after researching, visiting a few doctors, and reviewing our health plan. I realize my man for 10 years has been taking this medication of 500mg everyday since day one. I rush to the doctor for testing. I ask for everything. I tell my gyn what I just possible uncovered and she tells me. "He's lying. He has herpes." Oh geez, I'm sick to my stomach. Do I confront him - do I not??? I did. I let him know I was going for STD testing as I've been getting infections right after we have sex. One would have thought he may have been a man and stepped up to the plate then. NO!!!! I get, "Have you been cheating on me?" I can't help but look at him like he's a moron. What would make you think that? The fact that every time WE have sex, I get an infection.

My STD tests are back (at least I though all of them). I'm negative. Oh, thank goodness. Then he get's tested. He's positive. He is so distraught
I could not even help him. So here's the kicker....I started listening to what he stated his doctor told him about HSV. I didn't understand it at all. So I called my gyn. In which she informs me they never did the HSV test. Wow!! Talk about livid. I was so irate and not understanding why as this is the main reason I went in. To have ALL STD tests done. Little did I know. This is not an ALL STD test they do. You specifically have to ask for it. Did I go back for another testing? Yes. In the mean time, my husbands moping around was upsetting to me. Being the honest dutiful wife, I decided to tell him they had never did that test. And then.......the kick in my gut from the mouth of the man I said, "I Do to." "How do I know you didn't give it to me?" from his mouth. There I stood stunned, shocked, in disbelief, and wanting to just be a bad person and verbally bash him. It took everything from me. And I turned and just walked away.

He swears he did not know he ever had it. Now he tells me it was for canker. Every medical professional I know say he's lying.

We have been in marriage counseling for a few months and in our counseling he still drums up his lies. His story jumps around and he's all over the place. Now I hear, "Honestly, I thought I had canker." And I did not know I had this. I just cannot believe I've been taking this medication for 20 years and no one told me I had herpes." His story is exactly what it is. A story and denial. He's lied and doesn't want to admit it at all. So now he claims victim due to him not knowing what the medication is for. Problem is....I don't believe he didn't know. Especially the medication and what it's for. He's a fire medic. And has been on the force for over 30 years. He knew. He's a liar.

So hang in there. Unfortunately, you're not alone. Good news for me. 2nd time thinking I was being tested. But first true test result, I'm negative. We have not had sex since my last infection in Jan 2013 and I have no desire to have any physical relations with him. Now I must decide.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:56 AM.