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Should I Marry Her?

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Old 01-31-2013, 05:07 PM   #1
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Should I Marry Her?

So, I'm in my late thirties and I want to settle down with a permanent partner and start my own family. I have a girlfriend who I have been with for almost two years, and I cannot describe how much I love her. It should be an easy call that I should marry her and get on with it, right?

Well, I'm nervous. She had a disastrous prior marriage. I knew her during it, quite well, and I while I am not sure she is "to blame," I know she could have avoided the disaster. Put simply, she knew she didn't want to go through with it but she did anyway. Speaking for myself, I think that a "marriage" is when two people make an indefinite commitment, when they intend (even though they can't always follow through) to become one family together. That's not what she did. What she did involved a ceremony, a piece of paper, and not much else other than an attempt to not disappoint everyone.

I'm worried. It would be one thing if she found out some new information, if she had gone into it and something changed . . . but that's simply not the case. Isn't this the kind of mistake that people repeat again and again?

To make matters worse, I think she feels that it was "her fault," and she's ashamed. So, I think that I would feel more comfortable if she gave me the impression that she understood what went wrong before, and that she understands what she wants in a "real" marriage. I've dated people with prior marriages before, and they all "carried themselves" as if they had grown, learned, matured. They understood what happened and what they intended going forward. I don't need her to give a speech or write a memoir, but it just feels like she has "blocked it out" and never taken the time to heal, to learn, to move forward.

Should I be worried?

(And yes, some of you will remember me posting before. Things are going way better than before, but now I am nervous about taking this next step.)

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Old 01-31-2013, 06:01 PM   #2
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Re: Should I Marry Her?

talk to her about this asap. if you cant then no dont get married at all ever to her. its a bad sign if you cant open up and both you sit down and have a talk like this one. its a real bad sign.. not being able to sit and talk.. if it doesnt feel right then she may not be the one for you or vise versa. really think this one over, divorces in most states take 3 months to get over with. and not to mention a accidental pregnancy etc. sucks if you ask me, especially if it's not the right girl.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-01-2013 at 05:23 PM. Reason: Please type using full words. Thanks.

Old 01-31-2013, 06:18 PM   #3
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Re: Should I Marry Her?

I agree with the previous person that ability to communicate openly is like one of the most important things for any relationship. And if you guys don't have that then you're missing a crucial foundational component of a successful relationship.

Right now at this moment, what is it that is your biggest concern with moving forward with this relationship? Can you identify what your biggest concerns are and what it would take to resolve it? Have you guys had a discussion about it yet?

It's clear you're really into this girl and if she as much into you as you are to her then I think that's a pretty good place to start. I know this situation with her previous marriage has you spinning but if you try to consider who she is now, not who she was back then, does she appear to have learned from her experience? Does it seem like she is really committed to her relationship with you in all the right ways? You should have a pretty good idea of whether or not she appears to have learned anything or not since you knew her before, during and after that experience.

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