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  • need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

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    Old 02-10-2013, 06:24 PM   #1
    francineronco
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    need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    I met the man of my dreams! He was in a loveless marriage, I was newly separated. We worked for the same company. He confessed to me he is leaving his marriage and would love to date me. Within a few months he confessed to his wife he no longer wanted to be married to her and told her he was interested in another woman. They have 3 young boys, and he is very involved with them and sees them everyday. It's been almost four years since the separation and she still wants him back! I have not been able to be a part of the boys activities, rep hockey and rep soccer because it's too upsetting for her. This takes up the majority of their time. They are in constant contact and see each other everyday. He tells me I am the only woman for him but I only see him at night because I'm not allowed to come to any games. The boys love me! We get along great! She gets very upset knowing that we spend some evenings together. I have raised my 3 boys. I know she's a good mom have no intentions of stepping on her toes. He still helps her with house maintenance and any other issue that pops up. I have told him that will not wait another year for him to stop holding her hand. We have no time to nurture our relationship. He has my heart and I love him so very much....please give me some advice on how to deal with this?? Thank you!

     
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    Old 02-11-2013, 05:26 AM   #2
    metalzombie
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Are they not divorced yet? If not, then he is having his cake and eating it, too. He has the best of both worlds, his wife and kids and "the other woman". I don't mean that in a bad way, but I learned from experience how that is (similar situation as yourself before). The effect on your own self-worth and happiness is not good.

    If he isn't yet divorced, then end the relationship until that happens. Either way, he has not let go of his past relationship. That is why it is important that after a break-up, a person gives themselves time to grieve and get on with their lives before they enter into another relationship. You and he did not do that.

    Talk with him about it. Tell him how you feel and see if you can work something out. I don't recommend staying in a relationship that will never be nurtured and never grow.

     
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    Old 02-11-2013, 06:40 AM   #3
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Thanks for the advice. No, he is not divorced but legally separated. I know he is eaten up with guilt and she will not let up on him. It's sad to see him so defeated. Do you know of any books that I could read and pass on to him?

     
    Old 02-11-2013, 07:00 AM   #4
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    Smile Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    I'm sorry I don't know any books on the topic. I think that he needs to get on with the divorce and start setting some boundaries with his ex so she learns that she may not dictate anything in his life. Not getting the divorce is just prolonging things and giving her reason to believe that she still has a chance to stay together.

    My boyfriend is divorced (two children, 13 and 8), but before he and I met, for a long time even after they divorced, he allowed his ex to tell him what to do, where to go, how to do it. During some counseling, the counselor told him that he had to take charge of his own life and actually just tell her no and set boundaries on what was okay and not okay. He did just that. Not only did it make things better for the children and less confusing, it gave him a freedom and happiness he didn't have before.

    The way he and I deal with the ex is that she is allowed interaction/input where the kids are concerned, but every other aspect of our lives is off limits. However, I attend any event that has to do with the children whether she is going to be there or not. We have holidays with the kids, go places, etc. I am a part of their lives, too, regardless of how much she may or may not like it.

    I wouldn't stay in my relationship if the ex ran things or dictated when/how we could be together. I know your boyfriend feels caught up, but he can get on with it and move on. It will be tough at first, but if he is consistent and sets clear boundaries, things can get better. I really think the key is for him to close that chapter of his life and complete the divorce proceedings.

    Last edited by metalzombie; 02-11-2013 at 07:02 AM.

     
    Old 02-11-2013, 07:07 AM   #5
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    You have been a great help to me. I will pass this on and pray he has a "lightbulb moment" I'm so glad I found this website. Thank you so much!

    Last edited by francineronco; 02-11-2013 at 07:16 AM.

     
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    Old 02-11-2013, 07:35 AM   #6
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Good luck. I wish you all the best.

     
    Old 02-13-2013, 08:22 PM   #7
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Well first of all, I'll warn you. I am pretty old-fashioned. (and maybe that's why i'm still single. Lol jk) Anyways, I've been divorced a few years and still working on myself to just be ok. At first, I was so alone, so lonely, that I just needed to replace that man part of my life. But now, I'm really ok with it. I simply am not looking for anyone anymore. When it happens, it happens. Now, back to you. I feel for you. It's been a long time for you to "wait" for him to divorce. That wouldn't be good for anyone. Before someone has actually divorced, (the step after legal seperation) they haven't completely committed to it is how I see it. It doesn't mean he's a jerk or even intended for this to go on so long, he just wasn't ready yet, and isn't or won't be until he actually goes through it and signs the divorce papers. (this is how I see it by what you wrote). Like I said, I really feel for you. That must be very painful for you, and he couldn't be really truly content and at peace with himself either. My suggestion is for you to set some boundaries for you and him to be able to move on and make a life together. Something has to change, or like they say, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." 4 years is a very long time and he doesn't really have a reason (from his actions so far) to "change" anything right now. I don't even think there is a specific book you could have him read that would be that powerful. It has to come from inside him. He has to want to "end" that chapter of his life so that he can "begin" the new chapter, and noone else can do that for him. This is just my own belief and how I see it. He kind of is having his cake and eating it too. But, it's not fair that he's doing it at your expense.....and you just can't allow him to anymore. That's no longer an option.

     
    Old 02-13-2013, 08:50 PM   #8
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    I appreciate your input. I'm not giving up on us. I know he loves me as I love him. We've had the most honest conversations in the past few days.... What I didn't reveal to you is that I lost my job over our relationship. He is management and I was a union worker. Even though he informed the company, it was living hell! He has to walk through those gates without me everyday and keep it all together so we both aren't unemployed. It's been a tough go but we are still together and know he's the one. : ) I am trying to be understanding but thanks to some advice I've had great conversations lately. Thanks again!

     
    Old 02-14-2013, 06:26 AM   #9
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    I can see why she wouldn't want you at her kids games. It is probably very painful for her to see you especially at her children's events.

     
    Old 02-14-2013, 06:30 AM   #10
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Fair enough...

     
    Old 02-14-2013, 06:32 AM   #11
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Although my ex husbands girlfriend comes to my sons games and I don't have a problem with it. She is kind to him and I appreciate that. What more could I ask for?

     
    Old 02-14-2013, 06:53 AM   #12
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by francineronco View Post
    Although my ex husbands girlfriend comes to my sons games and I don't have a problem with it. She is kind to him and I appreciate that. What more could I ask for?
    That is how it should be. You have moved on and your ex husband has moved on. I am assuming that you are divorced.

     
    Old 02-14-2013, 07:04 AM   #13
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    Re: need advice please! My boyfriend still protects his ex...

    Yes, just recently.

     
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