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  • Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

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    Old 02-18-2013, 11:40 AM   #16
    Liarose006
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Kszan I appreciate your response. You are right everyone is treating my son like a child and that is what got him in this situation in the first place. He was living on his own, had a house to maintain, learned to cook all his meal (on his way to being a independent adult) and his father forced him to move-in with him and then began controlling his life. I was not aware that this was happening until the holidays when I saw my son and the state of anxiety and depression he was in. I treated him like young adult and yes "mothered" him as much as he needed to feel confident with himself. His confidence was shot by the situation his father put him in.The negativity and the lack of confidence that my sister and her husband had in him made him feel scared. They made it seem that there was something seriously wrong with him and his fear was that he was not going to be himself. I kept stressing that he could do anything he sets his mind too and that this will pass. He needed to have his self esteem raised but my sister and her husband did the complete opposite. I was treating him as an adult, he made the decision to fly back to his college town on his own...this is what made them verbal attack me. They did make me feel that I was leaving them a child to care for in the 3 hours prior to his flight. He was capable of getting himself together and had his own ride to the airport. They were completely irrational and caused so much stress and hurt feelings. He is now back to him own apartment and is on his way to feeling better. You struck a thought about this situation and that is...not only did they treat my son as a child but treated me as a child also. I am a single mother that ran a company with over 300 employees but in their eyes I am single therefore incapable. Wow...that just hit me...that's why she said "I am a married woman". I guess being married makes you and your life more important than mine. I agree my brother should stay out of this but it seems that my sister is using him to side with her. I don't want him involved...my sister should have called me even if she expressed her anger about the letter...I would have accepted that at least she acknowledged what I said. Thank you for hearing me out and responding.

     
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    Old 02-18-2013, 11:46 AM   #17
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Thank you Metalzombie...I have to learn to let go of those who bring me down. The best feeling out of all this is that my son is back to being himself and onto a happy life. It has taught him a lesson that he is teaching me...don't let others control you and your feelings and speak your mind as long as it is true to who you are. Many thanks for the support!

     
    Old 02-26-2013, 07:12 PM   #18
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    So it's been 3 weeks and I've given up hope of any response from my sister. I sent my niece (her daughter) a lovely birthday gift and called her to wish her a happy birthday. We talked for awhile but she never mentioned the gift. I had it especially custom made for her and wrote a nice card. I know she received it because I had sent it with tracking and insurance. I then texted her and she responded that she received it. I think my sister is putting a strain on my close relationship with my niece. She always confided in me and would spend hours talking to me about her life. I thought that at least at this point my sister would have called me, even if it wasn't to respond to my letter but to acknowledge the gift I sent my niece. I really feel like she does not care about me. She know that I am dealing with a lot of things, such as my move to a new state on my own, loss of my job that I had for years, taking care of my sons on my own. I have never asked her for anything and am always there for her if she needs me. This is just so hurtful.

     
    Old 02-28-2013, 05:00 AM   #19
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Liarose25 View Post
    So it's been 3 weeks and I've given up hope of any response from my sister. I sent my niece (her daughter) a lovely birthday gift and called her to wish her a happy birthday. We talked for awhile but she never mentioned the gift. I had it especially custom made for her and wrote a nice card. I know she received it because I had sent it with tracking and insurance. I then texted her and she responded that she received it. I think my sister is putting a strain on my close relationship with my niece. She always confided in me and would spend hours talking to me about her life. I thought that at least at this point my sister would have called me, even if it wasn't to respond to my letter but to acknowledge the gift I sent my niece. I really feel like she does not care about me. She know that I am dealing with a lot of things, such as my move to a new state on my own, loss of my job that I had for years, taking care of my sons on my own. I have never asked her for anything and am always there for her if she needs me. This is just so hurtful.
    I know it's hard, but try not to agonize over it too much. It may not be that she doesn't care, but that she is being extremely selfish and in her mind, she is the one that is hurt.

    Given what you said before and that this is the first time really for standing up for yourself with her, she is likely not going to be the one to make the first move. She is not putting it behind her and moving on and I definitely don't think you will ever get an apology. If you want to maintain a close relationship with your niece, you may have to talk to your sister. You don't need to apologize for anything, though.

    The problem with letters (and texts) is that they can be misunderstood and/or taken the wrong way. We can't always read the emotion with which it is written. What you wrote in sorrow, she could have read thinking you were angry, for example.

    So, while I agree you should not allow yourself to be mistreated, you also don't want to allow that to effect your close relationship with your niece. That is important, so you will likely have to be the bigger person in this situation.

     
    Old 02-28-2013, 09:53 AM   #20
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Thank you Metalzombie I do hear what you are saying. It's just too hard for me right now to be make the move to speak to my sister. I know that if I do call they will think that I feel I was wrong in sending the letter and will dismiss my feelings. Whether she saw it as hurt (which I stated numerous times in the letter) or anger, either way they could not ignore that her cruel words were said. I don't expect an apology because I don't think that can take back what was said and how it made me feel. It showed me where I stood in their eyes...and it's sad to say but that I am a lesser person in their eyes. They have an air about them that the their family is better than others. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't enjoy being around them even in the past because of how they make me feel.

    I appreciate you taking your time in responding. I know this is not a big deal in comparison to other's problems but I need to get my feeling out. It is helpful to hear unbiased advice. Thank you!

     
    Old 02-28-2013, 10:51 AM   #21
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    You are very welcome.

    I understand where you are coming from on all points. Sadly, I am the blacksheep of my family and I can completely relate to being seen as "lesser" by family members. Their loss, though. I have a full life with wonderful kids and grandkids even though I limit the time I am around my parents and siblings.

    It is very good to have an outlet here. No matter how trivial an issue may seem, it's very important to someone. I don't think what you are going through is trivial.

     
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    Old 03-03-2013, 06:14 PM   #22
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Agreed! I don't think it's trivial in the least.

     
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    Old 03-06-2013, 09:17 PM   #23
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    I need to let this out because I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. Next Friday is my brother's 50 birthday. I am driving to their hometown and flying my sons in to be with my brother (their uncle) for his birthday. There were no plans made so I planned a day out with my brother and mom on his birthday along with my sons. I made mention of this to my mom and asked about my sister. My mom said they had not planned to do anything. So today I get a text from my sister that she planned a celebration for my brother next Sunday. I thank her for the invitation and explained that we will no longer be there on Sunday. My sister states well I don't know your schedule...this is the kicker...my mom told her that I would be leaving before Sunday. So I, in turn, invite my sister and her family to join us on Friday. She states that they already have plans to do something at the house for his birthday. I mention the letter I had sent and how she ignored that it was even sent. She denies ignoring it, although it's been over 30 days since she received the letter. So the text messages go back and forth with me trying to explain how I felt and with her contradicting her own words. Here is the Twilight Zone part...she says that things are being said that did not happen. What??? She says that she is trying to make peace and resolve the matter. She says she wants the best for the family and wants to move forward. How can I move forward without my sister acknowledging my feelings. So I tell her that she is not seeking peace by denying responsibility. And I hope when she lets her guard down she can re-read my letter and text messages and understand what she has done to me. She even denied that my son cried that day. My head is spinning because how much more can I explain and still the response is denial on her part. A simple "I didn't mean to hurt you or your son" would have gone a long way. Now denying that those things happened just adds insult to injury. I have a gift for remembering what people say and the express on their faces as they say them. So when someone tells me that things didn't happen I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

     
    Old 03-06-2013, 09:42 PM   #24
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    If you can, I encourage you to take the experience just as it was, knowing you did everything you could think of to be a generous guest, a caring sister, and a loving mother.

    That is all you need to focus on. We can not allow ourselves to be damaged by another poor behavior. Of course, with family it can be heartbreaking. I encourage you to continue of focusing on your family that is interested in keeping close and sharing time together. If you do need to be together, just remember where you cannot tread. If she chooses to approach you about it, fine. But otherwise I would take her non response as her response. You have stated your feelings and forget the rest of it.

    Your son will also have to find his own way of choosing time with his aunt, if at all. I would not force him to do anything he does not want to. I would not encourage you to prolong this hurtful experience any longer, or involve others. In a family, we all have our faults and everyone learns to accept us or not. I imagine in time this issue will be resolved, but for now I would let the fire die down and the embers to go cold. That will leave you with lots of room in your soul to create something positive for you.

    I have also been a single parent of two sons, now both one their own, It is the perfect time for you to concentrate on yourself, on your interests, your needs and your kind of fun. Hold your head high and keep being that grateful, generous person you are.

     
    Old 03-06-2013, 10:28 PM   #25
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    Thank you for your kind words growagourd. I have been trying to get past this but my sister's text messages today after 30 days of non-response brought it back to the forefront.

    I am happy to say that both of my sons are not involved and have no idea that there is a problem between my sister and I. I do not want to ruin any relationship that they choose to have with their aunt and uncle. I only wish my sister had done the same with my nieces and nephews. I can just image the cruel things they are saying about me and my nieces and nephews hearing such things about me makes me sad.

    I will follow your advice about finding the positive in my life and begin to enjoy my life. Being in a new town without any friends I appreciate you and everyone on this board that gives me the push to focus on my life.

     
    Old 03-06-2013, 10:37 PM   #26
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    Re: Sister did not respond to my letter of hurt

    You are welcome, that is what we are here for.

    I am very sorry for your l\pain. I also had to loose my sister following the death of both my parents, which was awful and I understand how that hurts. She just bailed out before the funeral even happened, we have never spoken or seen each other again. I understand what it is like for things to just go too far for any reconciliation.

    I have a feeling that you will be able to mend this fence one day, given the proper amount of time. I hope that for you both one day. It is definitely her place to make the next move, whatever she decides it to be. I hope she can find the words that will begin the healing you need. It is her issue to resolve this, and yours to accept of deny her efforts. If she cannot ever respond appropriately to you, that is on her. I would not worry about your nieces and nephews, for they know the truth long term.

    I hope you find your life in the new town to be full of friends and new experiences.

    Last edited by growagourd; 03-06-2013 at 10:46 PM.

     
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