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phuong789 03-05-2013 09:12 PM

I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year, and I am having a problem where she and her best friend are really close that is a bit too close for my comfort. She knew this guy before we started dating. Initially I had no problems with her having a male best friend - as long as the relationship stayed on the friendship level. But over some time I have grown a dislike for him ever since I realized that they text each other every day - from the morning until they wish each other goodnight. This isn't the only reason why I don't like this guy. Whenever I see him, I try to say hi to him, but most of the time, he pretends he doesn't even see me and when he does he just looks away. I told my girlfriend about it and that I found it disrespectful so she talked to him about it - he claimed that he does say hi and acknowledges me, i said ok fine, I probably mistaken.

The next day my girlfriend and I went to her friend's house for a gathering, and I saw him there. The first thing he does is approaches my girlfriend and says hi to her and hugs her while I just stand there and he does not even look at me - not even for me to have a chance to say hello. In fact, he did not say a word to me the entire night we were there. It is really starting to get on my nerves how this guy shows his respect to me and on top of that, he texts my girlfriend every day. Before you guys assume that I am "insecure" and that I am just over thinking things, there is a reason why I don't trust this guy. This guy always messages her stuff that is inappropriate, usually dirty jokes about her, etc. On top of that, there was one point where they were talking to each other about their intimate lives about how her ex boyfriend pulled her pants down and slapped her bottom etc. I talked to her about what they say to each other and she talked to him, and told him he needs to stop (with the jokes).

But the one thing that actually bothers the heck out of me is how much they talk to each other. Whenever she is over, I would always hear her phone ring from messages, and every time it is from the same guy. He never stops. She knows I hate it whenever she texts him while we are hanging out together but she does it anyways. It's like they have their own little relationship that I know nothing about. I don't know what they talk about, nor does she tell me what they talk about.

Today I brought up the fact that I see this guy everywhere at my school and that he is literally everywhere I go - even in my liberal class which hes not even enrolled in and she got annoyed. She started defending him saying "why do you hate him so much", "why can't you just say hi to him" and "you need to respect him, hes my best friend."

I've already told her I tried saying hi but he never looks at me or gives me an opportunity, my existence is like invisible to him. What do I do? How do I get her to stop texting him so much? It's like she chooses to defend him over me.

metalzombie 03-06-2013 07:59 AM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
My best friend is a guy. However, we respect each other's private time and don't incessantly text. We are best friends, though, so no topic is really off limits.

It seems like maybe he is jealous of you and maybe they were closer than just friends at some point. I could be wrong about the closer than friends part though. Why don't you walk up to him, offer him your hand and talk to him. At least become acquainted with him since he is your girlfriends best friend. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not getting to know their friends. She can't control what her friend does, only what she does. You could talk to her about you getting to know him and befriending him so that you and he can get along and she can have her best friend and her boyfriend. Also ask her to silence the phone when you and she are spending alone time together. You do the same with yours. Tell her you want time that you both can just be alone without outside interruptions.

If she continues to put her friend before you, maybe she isn't as committed to your relationship as she should be and maybe you should move on. I don't think it will go over if you ask her to choose between you and him.

Kszan 03-06-2013 09:24 AM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
It sounds like you haven't really made too much of an effort to be friendly with the guy. If all you have ever considered him to be is a usurper then he will sense that and not be nice to you. Have you tried having a man to man talk with him to say, Hey I respect the fact that you guys are friends and now that I'm dating her I'd like to be friends with you also because I don't think there needs to be any tension here.

It's possible that he has been in love with her this whole time and he is very threatened by your relationship because he was hoping that he would have a shot with her. If that's the case then don't expect him to come around any time soon, if ever.

If I were you, I would tell the girlfriend that you don't understand why her friend is being such a douche toward you however you would really like to be friends with him too so ask her if she can talk to him about that and then talk to him like I said in my first paragraph.

If none of that works then you have to decide whether you want to date a girl whose friend hates you and would likely poison her against you if you guys ever had an argument about something so he could make his move on her.

lenvegas 03-06-2013 09:29 AM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Hi, let's say hypothetically you were the one with the girl friend who keeps texting you and ignores your girlfriend. it would drive her absolutely crazy. You tried talking to her about it and you tried to acknowledge him but were ignored. He sees you as competition for her attention and it seems he is trying to stick it to you whenever he can....he sounds like a real *******. Here is what I would do.....Do not mention him at all while at the same time distance yourself from your girlfriend. Do not break up with her, just break a few dates, cut the evening with her short by telling her you are going to hang out with your friends, act aloof. Put the question in her head as to what is going in with you.....maybe she will think there is another girl. Remember say nothing about the boy friend. Some people would say why play these games?....Well it is not a game it is just a strategy. She is just as to blame as he is, don't let her push you around on this issue, it is wrong on many levels. Good luck.....

phuong789 03-06-2013 12:07 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Thank you so much for your lengthy responses guys, I really appreciate it. The thing is I have tried talking to him and even made conversation with him once. But that doesn't change the fact that he blatantly ignores me at gatherings and whenever he sees me. My girlfriend told me that at one point (before we dated), that he liked her, but then became best friends later. This is why I have some suspicions about this guy as they send each other "playful" hearts and saying "I love you" to each other and even saying "happy valentines day" to each other whenever they text. It is way too close for my liking. I understand that I don't need to be friends with this guy, nor do I have to like the guy, but am I supposed to let this kind of texting continue? I don't know, maybe it is just me. What do you think/do?

phuong789 03-06-2013 12:18 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
[QUOTE=lenvegas;5142696]Hi, let's say hypothetically you were the one with the girl friend who keeps texting you and ignores your girlfriend. it would drive her absolutely crazy. You tried talking to her about it and you tried to acknowledge him but were ignored. He sees you as competition for her attention and it seems he is trying to stick it to you whenever he can....he sounds like a real *******. Here is what I would do.....Do not mention him at all while at the same time distance yourself from your girlfriend. Do not break up with her, just break a few dates, cut the evening with her short by telling her you are going to hang out with your friends, act aloof. Put the question in her head as to what is going in with you.....maybe she will think there is another girl. Remember say nothing about the boy friend. Some people would say why play these games?....Well it is not a game it is just a strategy. She is just as to blame as he is, don't let her push you around on this issue, it is wrong on many levels. Good luck.....[/QUOTE]

I asked her what if my friends did that to you (ignores you whenever they see you), she said she doesnt care. lol. Which i think is a load of crap. Anyone would want the respect from people they know, especially if they are good friends with her boyfriend and vice versa.

lenvegas 03-06-2013 12:51 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Still best policy is not to say anything about the texts, you will just drive her closer to him. Look at it this way, you're the man, the winner......you closed the deal, she is your girlfriend. This other pathetic guy liked her but he had no game so he ended up in the friend zone. He is definately jealous of you so don't let him rent space in your head because if your girlfriend even liked him as a boyfriend they would have got together before. Keep your cool.......

trystme 03-06-2013 01:02 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
If the guy is straight then he is after her romantically and you have every right to be put out by him. I know I'm old fashioned but I'm in the When Harry Met Sally camp (and there is a newer movie with the same theme called Your Sister's Sister.) Straight men and women cannot be close friends without the man wanting more. This dude is in the friend zone and I bet he hates that he is in the friend zone, he is just biding his time and waiting, hoping, and praying for the day that she develops romantic feelings for him. He sees you as an obstacle to that endeavor so of course he doesn't like you and is at best aloof and at worst rude to you.

Problem is...you cannot forbid her to talk to him. You cannot tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. You cannot tell her how often to text or talk to him or how much time she can spend with him. The best that you can do is to slowly try to get her to see the light and know what he is really up to. She won't believe you of course but there will come a day when he will make his move and she will realize that you were right all along. Until then you'll just have to put up with it, unless you can't take it any longer, at which point you guys will break up.

rosequartz 03-06-2013 02:01 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
she ALREADY knows the guy wants her and she's loving the attention......
it's up to you to decide how long you are willing to put up with it.
its not going to change

phuong789 03-06-2013 02:23 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;5142834]she ALREADY knows the guy wants her and she's loving the attention......
it's up to you to decide how long you are willing to put up with it.
its not going to change[/QUOTE]

she claims they are just best friends though. Should I talk to her about it?

rosequartz 03-06-2013 02:27 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
[QUOTE=phuong789;5142843]she claims they are just best friends though. Should I talk to her about it?[/QUOTE]

if they are just best friends, it's because that's the choice SHE has made.....
and that doesn't change the fact that she is loving the attention.....
you can talk if you want, but I doubt anything will change....
if nothing changes, what is your next move?

Kszan 03-06-2013 03:02 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
I think it's very possible that she is incredibly naive and doesn't realize that her friend is more in love with her than she realizes. She probably sees him as a brother and she cares about him like a friend. But he really wants to date her and he is really mad that you got lucky and are dating her now. So I think there's trouble here no matter how you look at it.

You definitely can't tell her to stop seeing him because that will completely backfire in your face. I don't know what to tell you. It looks like this is a no win situation for you if you stay in it. Right now you may be her boyfriend but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was planning a way to sabotage it all for you.

karlee10 03-06-2013 04:58 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Hi. I really feel for you. Yes. She did choose you, so you are the winner here. You've been given some very good replies already, and that's good. I like the one where someone was suggesting you react less, or not at all, when he te texts her and you're with just your gf. Act like you're over it, and see what happens with that approach. If nothing changes, nothing changes. So, the first response wasn't working well, on to Plan B. There's also nothing wrong with you putting forth more effort to be friendly with him. Even just for you and her relationship. Who knows? It may even help him to back off some in the long run. That'd be nice.

noevr 03-06-2013 05:31 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Hi, was wondering, have you asked him to hang out, in front of her, or something like that , since you guys have a common interest or just to get to know each other better?

Or, try bringing along a female friend to set him up with, being sure to do this in front of her so she sees his reaction?

Or, in front of her ask him who he's dating? Sorry, female here, .....hee hee. Cathy

phuong789 03-06-2013 06:13 PM

Re: I really dislike my girlfriend's male best friend
 
Thank you so much guys. Much respect for all your answers. I will tell her how I feel


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