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Becci101 03-08-2013 05:38 PM

I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never see hi
Hi there.

I am 25 in just under a month and I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me...because I NEVER want to go out socially anymore. I started a PGCE 6 months ago and I'm almost two third's of the way through it but it's really, really intense and I work 80-100 hours a week some weeks, juggling Uni Masters level assignments, other Uni deadlines, teaching, planning, marking, evaluating and reflecting.

To cut a long story short, I started getting a bit 'bored' of going out before I started my PGCE and didn't want to socialise with the same people anymore doing the same things in the same places. In the city I live in, me and my partner of over 5 years, have alot of the same friends and the same social group. Most of them drink loads very often and do other drugs, sometimes coming home as late as 11 in the morning. This is why I started getting 'bored' with this way of life before I started my PGCE, when I was about 23/24.

The problem is, my partner isn't bored with this way of life, or these friends or those places or those people. And when I'm not at Uni or school I'm so exhausted that I just want to watch a film and cuddle up with him and eat nice food. But he wants to go out- and the only time I'm free and not collapsing is the time he's wanting to go out. He wants to go out without fail every single weekend. He also goes to the pub in the week and other social activities, and while I like being home sometimes on my own, on the weekends I feel really lonely and I just cry for ages...I just want him to come home so that we can spend time together but the problem is- this is every weekend and he obviously doesn't want to be here else he would be here! Sometimes he comes home as late as 7am even though we have specific plans for the next day, and it scares me seeing him so high when he comes back even though I used to do that sort of thing now and again.

In a perfect world things wouldn't be like this and he wouldn't feel the need to go out all the time and we would have a normal, mid- 20's relationship (is it normal?!). I'm not wanting to control him, I just feel like I am growing up and 'settling down' but that he is in a totally other place and still wanting to do things that I did years ago. I started drinking 12 years ago and drank socially with friends really up to the age of about 19/20, but now I feel like I have been there and done it, got the T shirt and want to move on now. I feel like I could start my teaching career in September and have a nice little car and settle down and save for a few years before thinking about the future in 5 years or so...with someone...but we never talk about the future we never have done in 5 years- every time I try to he just laughs. But I am so lonely here by myself, and feel like there's no point in anything, hense why I don't want to go out, and am only proactive and busy during the week when I have loads to do out of home.

So is it that we're in totally different places and that as he started drinking etc later he's not bored of it yet? Or does he not want to grow up? Or maybe it's just that he doesn't want to grow up with me? Or am I depressed or down for never wanting to go out anymore? The other thing is he has a job where you can't work in the winter so he has been in the house since October not earning money or being stimulated, and he has become restless. When I tell him I'm lonely when he leaves, he tells me he is lonely all day. So maybe it's because he's bored he wants to go out quite alot? Sometimes I say I am writing assignments to my 'friends' just so I don't have to go out...but I feel bad for being so lame. Is it because I'm not happy in this current situation and feel I don't have anything in common with those people so therefore it's not that I don't want to go out but that I don't want to go out with those people or to those places? Or is it because I am literally so exhausted that those days/evenings are my only time to relax and catch up on sleep and sometimes work?

The two questions I am asking myself and would love advice and help on are:

[B]-Am I depressed for never going out and for crying all the time when he goes out and feeling lonely, or am I just tired and if so is it OK to not go out much when you get to 25?[/B]


[B]-Is there something wrong with our relationship for the fact that he does want this lifestyle still, or is he just in a different place in a different time? And if so, is this OK and can we still live alongside each other, even though it feels we don't get quality time together anymore ever?[/B]

Whoopee 03-09-2013 12:10 PM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
I'm sure others will chime in but I'll give you a quick opinion of what I think. Personally, it sounds like a classic case of you two not being in the same "place". It happens all the time. I'm guessing you two have very different types of jobs and therefore are around a different level of folks during the day. You sound very intellectually curious and driven, leaning towards a settled lifestyle and he's still in a party adolescent state of mind. Obviously the two of you are not operating on the same wavelength and eventually one of you will gravitate towards the other's lifestyle or one of you will break away and go it on your own. I doubt things will be able to continue much longer as they are. You should talk to him to find out if he thinks he'll be ready to join you in the relationship in the near future. If not, I'd start making plans for life without him. I wish you the Best!

lenvegas 03-09-2013 01:09 PM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
Hi. perhaps in the midst of his merriment with his friends, he is hiding a problem in plain sight......what problem? .....alcoholism. He goes to the pub everyday and during the weekend is is out all night. You say his friends are involved with drugs also so it would not be a stretch to think he is involved with drug abuse too. You are trying to better your life and he is pulling you down and you have to realize at this point in time is the best it's ever going to be.It is difficult for you to wait for changes when in reality the changes have to come from you. You are going to enter a professional life and will be meeting professional people that you have more in common with. Do you see your boyfriend playing an important role in your new life? Frankly, I do not see a future with a guy who leaves you to cry in loneliness every time you have a few hours of your precious free time. You may guilt talk him into spending a night or two with you but what is the use when he would rather be somewhere else. I hope that eventually you find the happiness in your life that you deserve.

growagourd 03-09-2013 03:18 PM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
First of all, I must say how proud I am of you for all your accomplishments this far..Quite impressive!

I think the previous posters have given you some great support, and I agree with their advice. Lenvegas really pointed out something interesting about the alcohol and drug use being such a draw to him.

The fact that he does not work in winter, and has not found any worthwhile things to do with his time except party all night with his buddies. There is no future in that. I would not feel badly about not going out with him for the reasons you explain. You must be exhausted by Friday and need the weekend to rest and prepare for the week ahead. I would seriously question your boyfriends choice to take off in your only time at home. I would try and use that time to enjoy yourself in your own way.

I cant get away from the fact that he is choosing not to work in the winter. There are always other jobs for those willing to work, and if he is instead creating problems with finances and his ability to commit to a future with you, I would start moving your heart away from him. There are always people that do not want to work for their future, and they will reap what they sow, which in this case is nothing. I dont blame you for not wanting to hang out with others who have all the time in the world to simply drink and party.

Do you have girlfriends that you could make weekend plans with? Or family maybe? I hate to hear of you crying over this man who has so little concern over your happiness, and holds his own so highly.

You are on the track for a wonderful fulfilling life. You will be a great catch for a man with similar interests and high goals like you do. This might not be now, or even in the next few years, but it will come when the time is right..

Although you do have a history with your boyfriend, it does not mean you must make a future out of it.

About the possible depression, you could be experiencing some situational depression over this relationship. I bet if you can change you feelings toward this man, you could be so much happier. If you need some help in the mean time, just speak to your doctor for some temporary help to get through this. There is no need to suffer.

I wish the very best to you, please let us know how it goes from here.

betz750 03-19-2013 08:14 AM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
I tend to agree with Len Vegas, it doesnt sound like depression to me, you can look up the symptoms of depression too to get more clarity on your situation.

rosequartz 03-19-2013 10:49 AM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
you are in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, or it's not going anywhere that you want to are going in 2 different directions. You're not depressed, you're just too grown up for your boyfriends childs play......
get rid of him, I guarantee you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders

Waiting2011 03-19-2013 11:15 AM

Re: I never want to go out- am I depressed? My partner still goes out loads- never se
Please don't think that something is wrong with you just because you don't feel that you aren't measuring up to the social aspirations of others. There are different kinds of ppl in the world. I am just learning that I am more like you and that is not a bad thing. Most of the folks I have spent the majority of my life around are partiers. I am not. I prefer staying home with a good movie over clubbing or the need to be around people. I don't know if you are depressed or just sad because your mate prefers other activities. You may just be finding yourself. You seem pretty driven for a depressed person. This is not an easy situation for you, but really do some soul searching before you decide that YOU are the problem. Keep your chin up... you have alot to be proud of!

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