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Budgie101 04-24-2013 04:43 AM

Marriage on the rocks, and maybe in love with someone else?
I have been with D for a total of 11 years and married for the past 5 yrs, we don't have any children. We got together when I was 19, and were friends for over a year before any romantic feelings emerged. We have had our ups and downs like any relationship but our strong friendship and ability to talk things through has usually got us past things. Our sex life has been up and down and there have been big periods where I haven't been attracted to him and we haven't had sex for many weeks/months. We now usually have sex about once a month.

About 18 months ago I was really unhappy in our relationship. D was depressed about work and frustrated that he wasn't being creative. He was drinking a lot and was often not very nice to be around. I broke down one day and told him that I didn't love him anymore. We talked through a lot of our problems and D stopped his drinking, we sold our flat, bought a house and he has quit his job and started up a business where he can be creative. But I'm still not totally happy.

The other guy...I've known him for 4yrs and we became close friends straight away. There was an instant connection like we'd known each other for years. He is also good friends with my husband. Over the past couple of years my feelings for him have increased and become very strong. Last September we shared a kiss, then another one a few months later, finally we had sex a few weeks ago. We both know this is totally wrong. He also has a girlfriend. I think I love him and that he loves me but we don't want to hurt everyone so we have stopped contact.

Over the last few months I have been really depressed because of my feelings towards this other guy and not feeling in love with my husband. Finally I told my husband that I was unhappy in our marriage. I haven't mentioned the other guy- this would crush my husband and it's not fair to put him through all that additional pain. My husband and I have talked (and cried) lots since then and he really wants to save our marriage - he is still totally in love with me. I know that I should put effort into this but I'm afraid that I really love this other man. My husband has changed so many of his behaviours to make me happy and it did for a while sort of. I'm scared that I keep saying I'm unhappy and then he changes something which makes it better for a while but doesn't deal with the underlying problem - maybe I just don't love him enough. He deserves someone to love him in the same way he loves me. We are going to see a relationship counsellor this week but I think Iím doing this more because it's the 'right' thing to do than because I want to save my marriage.
I'm confused and miserable. How should I deal with this situation?

lenvegas 04-24-2013 09:05 AM

Re: Marriage on the rocks, and maybe in love with someone else?
Hi, I think you are doing the right thing not seeing the other man. If you feel deeply enough to be with the other man you have to ask yourself this.......Can two cheaters make it work?......Actually the odds are no as 90% of relationships borne out of infidelity fail within three years. There are too many guilt and trust issues that impede success. If you want a divorce then fine but do not do it to be with this other man because it will end up being a curse rather than a blessing.

pendulum 04-24-2013 12:52 PM

Re: Marriage on the rocks, and maybe in love with someone else?
I agree with Lenvegas: don't reconnect with the other guy until you are totally free and not before you have lived some time on your own.... You need to recharge your own batteries before embarking on another serious relationship. Even if you don't want to save your marriage, I think that seeing that counselor is a very good idea. If the counseling proves good, it may open your eyes to a few things that anyone in your position often is unable to see. Good luck!

timido 05-05-2013 12:52 AM

Re: Marriage on the rocks, and maybe in love with someone else?
You guys have been together almost forever, it is normal to feel this way after a long time. Maybe some time apart will do you good. About the other guy, maybe not a good idea. Divert your mind to work or something. Hope this helps. Good luck.

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