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  • Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

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    Old 06-26-2013, 12:21 AM   #1
    mb683
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    Ex Girlfriend of 6 Years Left Me For Someone Else (Depression)

    I will share my story in brief. With ex for 6 years. I'm now 24 her 22. I got GIGS 2 and a half years in. Initiated a break up. Thought I had fallen 'out of love', loss of attraction. There was no one else, I was just being selfish about wanting to live my life without any tie downs. Being young and dumb

    After 5 of so months of the 'single life'. , still keeping in regular contact over this period. I didn't lead her on, I still loved her but at the time I just couldn't admit it to myself. Anyway we get back together, communication was poor between us. Her being extremely moody and difficult to handle sometimes. Me being stubborn and stuck in my ways. Anyway our relationship goes on, she comes and stays at my place most weekends, the attraction and bond we have is stronger than ever. Fast forward to December last year and she starts becoming extremely depressed, alcohol binges, cocaine use. She would ring me verbally abusing me one minute, then ringing me crying saying she's sad and doesn't no why, I would question her as to what had triggered this.

    She continued drinking binges. Cocaine use. Until one day she rang me, saying she got into debt and couldn't pay the money. Relatively small amount. I was angry, but agreed to pay it. Aslong as she packed her things to come and stay with me for the foreseeable future. She agreed, she came to my home. That day I took her for a walk, we sit on a bench and she begins to cry saying she's turning into someone she doesn't want to be. I cry with her, and we hold each other for a while. She stayed for 2 weeks, I cooked her good food, her sleeping pattern was getting better, these walks continued. At the end of the 2 weeks, I arrange a weekend away for her birthday. 5* hotel, spa treatments, dinner. Amazing weekend, the love was there in abundance. She said we'd been getting on much better and she had a smile on her face as we strolled down the Thames, London. We come home, she makes a point of staying the night, because she knew she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She goes home as normal. Everything is ok for 1-2 days. Then her replies become less frequent, I arranged the cinema and for us to go and get some proper photos. She agreed to both. Told me to send her what was on at the cinema. She strings me along for a few days saying she's happy on her own, but she just needs space for a while, im not losing her, course she loves me. After a few days of me bombarding her with messages, receiving no replies, she ends it by text. 'I love you but it doesn't feel like enough sorry'. I'm distraught, how has this happened. I continue telephoning, texting, no replies. I go to her home, she comes to the door and laughs and asks me what I'm doing here, we go for a walk and she says she doesn't love me anymore. I try the someone else trick, she says who told you. Red flag. She denies anything has been going on, there just talking.

    I believed it for a minute. I return home heartbroken. I dig for answers. Turns out a lot of third parties knew it had been going on for anything from 4 weeks to 4 months. I confront her with the guys name and she just says yes and puts the phone down. I send her hateful messages for a week or so. How could she do this?! I message the new guy telling him all about her addiction problems and anger issues. Bad move I no. I then wish her all the best in several messages receive no reply to any. Go full NC. After 2 weeks she initiates, 'how r u'. I reply and bombard her again. Just to seek the closure I need. She doesn't even reply. So I go NC, she initiates again 2 weeks later. Same text. I ignore it. Don't reply for 2 weeks. We exchange a few messages. She says she loves me with all her heart and always will, I said if this was true you'd be with me, she said I love you but not like that, there is a difference. So I said so you love me, but your not in love with me? She replied yes. I've been there in some capacity but not leaving for another girl. I accept this and say we don't no what way happen. The doors open for reconciliation. Do not contact me again unless it's about us moving forward as a future. Full nc. Its been 7 days.

    I can say I'm actually over her. I want her back yeah. But it's a want not a need, if she doesn't return then I no it wasn't meant to be. She's swapped love for lust wouldn't you agree? Crushed out on another guy. She's receiving the chemicals to her brain she has been lacking, as well as being on meds for 3 months. The honeymoon period is in full swing. They've maybe officially been together for 3 months now. I just wonder if she'll ever realise she made a mistake. I did all i could for the girl I loved in her darkest hour. And she was deceitful for some time. And she left me. When most men would of ran, I stood firm as I knew this wasn't her. She says she's doing good now and is happy with herself for once. Her jumping from one relationship to the next surely is not healthy and shows she's insecure of being alone. Any opinions would be great. Sorry about the long story but it's extremely complex

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-26-2013 at 12:37 AM.

     
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    Old 06-26-2013, 01:14 AM   #2
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    I think you are mistaken here - this is exactly who she is. When you met, you were both pretty much adolescents. Those six years contain some of the most significant changes, mental, emotional and physical since babyhood. You are both different people now. The drug use and abandonment of your relationship are more than a temporary mood swing. She may be happier for now; you were definitely part of the problem (in terms of her and you as a unit). People "jump" from one relationship all the time. Your hope that she will "realise" her mistake is sheer wishful thinking on your part. She is gone. Even if she did come back, it would be a tragedy for both of you. You have been in denial, now you are in the "why" stage of grief, moving into anger. This will run its course and you will be able to move on. Sera

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-26-2013 at 09:55 AM.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 01:29 AM   #3
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    What she was turning into I mean wasn't her. The drinking, attemps on her life, depression, drug use. This wasn't the girl I knew up until December last year. Also I fail to see how I was part of the problem as you put it. Our relationship was good. Her anger and emotional and verbal abuse aside. It put a strain on us but things where very much improved until the day she left. Everything was great. She's on celexa and has been for 4/5 months. I'm. Not sure now if she still is as I haven't spoken to her about it for a long time. We had the strongest bond and connection of any couple. All the couples we grew up with parted long ago, we stood strong and had outlasted them all.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 01:50 AM   #4
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    I'm also way past anger and denial. I had my angry stage and ive had 'this can't be happening to me' stage also. I'm at the stage where I'm worried for her. Even though I shouldn't be after being treated so appallingly. I no its happened and im a million miles away from where I was a few months ago. I no the route cause of her depression and she has never faced up to it. By no means was I part of the problem. Or we as a couple weren't either

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-26-2013 at 09:54 AM.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 02:25 AM   #5
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    Is there anyway anyone can break my story down and tell me or at least advise me on wether she could be suffering from bpd or bipolar. I no a diagnosis cannot be given, but from what I've read she shows a lot of traits for someone suffering with this. Also the lies, false promises etc. Pathological lying I would call it. She tried to ignore her way out of our relationship. She has never apologised for her deceit or even really admitted anything I confronted her with. I was the crazy one and obsessed.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 02:38 AM   #6
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    I am not saying that you in any way caused the problem. This is not at all about fault or blame. Whenever there are long term problems in a relationship ( and you wrote about problems going back for some time), then the dynamics of the relationship do become part of the problem. This stuff did not just drop out of the sky. You say that things were fine "except for her anger and verbal abuse"; if this is going on then, no, you are not fine. Even just reading your post it is clear that the relationship was broken since you had the breakup earlier on. Even the drugs do not necessarily break up a couple if they are willing to get help or counselling. My point is that you may both be better off away from this relationship, especially you. You cannot help this woman and, for whatever reason, she is gone. You say there is a root cause for her depression, but she wasn't willing to work on it with you. She sounds very troubled and you come across as a bit self righteous and judgemental. At least through your writing. You will move on from this, and I wish you well. Sera

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 02:58 AM   #7
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    I am not saying that you in any way caused the problem. This is not at all about fault or blame. Whenever there are long term problems in a relationship ( and you wrote about problems going back for some time), then the dynamics of the relationship do become part of the problem. This stuff did not just drop out of the sky. You say that things were fine "except for her anger and verbal abuse"; if this is going on then, no, you are not fine. Even just reading your post it is clear that the relationship was broken since you had the breakup earlier on. Even the drugs do not necessarily break up a couple if they are willing to get help or counselling. My point is that you may both be better off away from this relationship, especially you. You cannot help this woman and, for whatever reason, she is gone. You say there is a root cause for her depression, but she wasn't willing to work on it with you. She sounds very troubled and you come across as a bit self righteous and judgemental. At least through your writing. You will move on from this, and I wish you well. Sera
    The break up was when I was 19 and thought the grass was greener. Boredom. Its how a lot of teenagers get. I soon realised what I'd given up and won her back. I never went near another woman and she knew this. We where always still in close contact. She was never led on or anything of that nature. I understand I'm better off in the long run away from her. Doesn't mean I don't worry. And I'm not self righteous at all. I care about her and her wellbeing. Its not about me and it never was. Her needs came before my own because she asked for my help and support and love on 10's of occasions. My needs now come before hers as she has chosen to take up a new relationship literally a week after ending ours by text message. And then blaming me and saying I was crazy, delusional etc. Typical push the blame from herself to me to make it seem like I'm the bad guy. When all I did was do my best by the girl that meant the world to me.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 03:11 AM   #8
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    I refute the accusation that the relationship was broken. She was broken. I had my faults granted. And I worked on those and improved on them and she acknowledged this. She just didn't appreciate this. She also didn't understand how what she was doing to herself was affecting me and her mother. It was all about her and she still to this day has never acknowledged how hard it must of been for me to watch the girl I loved destroy herself week by week. Maybe the relationship was broken to an extent, but things had improved greatly. As her mental wellbeing had seemed to be improving. I cooked her healthy food, took her for walks daily in the fresh air, made sure she got enough sleep as her sleeping pattern was haywire. I had to hide all the tablets in my home for fear of her trying an overdose again. Can you imagine how this was for me? It was incredibly painful. My heart ached for her. The love of my life crumbling to dust right before my eyes. Then as soon as the anti depressants kick in, I'm put on the scrapheap. But this guy was obviously in the background for some time for him to swoop in and take over from me a week after. So how depressed could she of been if she was falling for this new guy.

    I worry for her in a new relationship. She's had no time to work on herself. She's had no alone time. Even though when she started the process of ending our relationship it was 'I want to be on my own'. Which was obvious lies. If she'd of actually done this I would of had more respect for her as she probably did need some time away from the stresses of a relationship to work on her issues. She denies there's any root cause for her depression 'it just happens' she'd say. There's a reason behind everything. Nothing just happens. And I no the reason. I tried to get her to open up, sometimes she did, and then she'd seal herself up again when she had to think about things. You could see the fear in her eyes, then she'd say 'I don't want to talk about it'. I came extremely close to having her sectioned under the mental health act. She said to me she wanted to because she 'didn't no what was going on in her head'.

    Now she's 'better' (a matter of a few months on) she doesn't acknowledge what I went through, admit her lies apologise for those lies, say thanks for all you did for for me or anything. That's what hurts I suppose. Completely devised of all emotions. Now she's 'happy', it's like it never happened and she just doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 03:31 AM   #9
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend of 6 Years Left Me For Someone Else (Depression)

    You need to change your number, block her email address and never speak to her again! This is a toxic and unhealthy relationship for both of you! There is nothing good about you being together. At some point you need to be the one who cuts off all communication and let this thing go completely in case she decides to start bugging you again.

    Your first clue should have been the drug use. Your second clue should have been the other guy. You can't possibly be so clueless to think this relationship ever had any hope of survival after everything that has happened already? You need to get realistic about this and realize its a bad relationship and it will never be healthy nor good for either of you to ever be together again. No contact means no contact ever again. This is it.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 03:58 AM   #10
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend of 6 Years Left Me For Someone Else (Depression)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    You need to change your number, block her email address and never speak to her again! This is a toxic and unhealthy relationship for both of you! There is nothing good about you being together. At some point you need to be the one who cuts off all communication and let this thing go completely in case she decides to start bugging you again.

    Your first clue should have been the drug use. Your second clue should have been the other guy. You can't possibly be so clueless to think this relationship ever had any hope of survival after everything that has happened already? You need to get realistic about this and realize its a bad relationship and it will never be healthy nor good for either of you to ever be together again. No contact means no contact ever again. This is it.
    I've iniated no contact and am 15 days into this. We had no contact for a month previously before that. I may have it perfectly clear for her not to contact me again anyway and I no I will never contact her again also. She was toxic. I had my faults, but I worked on those and grew up greatly over our time together. I progressed. She stood still. In fact got more and more immature as the months passed. Especially once the depression had taken hold of her.

     
    Old 06-26-2013, 11:30 AM   #11
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    Re: Ex Girlfriend, Depression, Lies & Traumatic Break Up.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mb683 View Post
    .....

    Now she's 'better' (a matter of a few months on) she doesn't acknowledge what I went through, admit her lies apologise for those lies, say thanks for all you did for for me or anything. That's what hurts I suppose. Completely devised of all emotions. Now she's 'happy', it's like it never happened and she just doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
    Hi mb,

    I want to comment just on this paragraph. I see where you are coming from. It really hurts not to be recognized, but then again what could you expect from a mentally unstable person like her? There's a passage from The Little Prince, by Exupéry, that I would like to bring to your attention. It is about when the prince is visiting the planet inhabited by a king. Read it if you can. "One must require from each one the duty which each one can perform." In other words, you can't expect gratitude from someone who doesn't know a thing about gratitude. That would be unreasonable of you. Also, from the same passage: "It is much more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others." So please stop judging her. Focus on yourself. Maybe you had too high expectations about her. And ask yourself and answer honestly: "In all circumstances of your life, were you always grateful to the people (to begin with, your own parents) who helped you in a way or another?" Often "normal" people like us also take other people's deeds for granted and are not aware of it. So ...

    Last edited by pendulum; 06-26-2013 at 01:04 PM.

     
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