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  • Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

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    Old 08-19-2013, 11:45 AM   #1
    Correctusage
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    Unhappy Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    A breakdown of my family status: Mom and Dad divorced 6 years ago, when I was in my mid 20s. Mom remains single and happy, Dad remarried to a smart, independent passionate lady.

    I married 2 years ago and am very happy. My younger sister, who is 27 now, is at the center of my family's storm...

    Years ago, while working at a job I loved with the BBB, I met a guy who was a bit young for me to date, but who was very intelligent and an all around "good guy." He worked out every day after he got off work, was promoted to a manager position at work, he was enrolled in classes at night at the community college, etc. So, after working with him for 6 months and being impressed by his friendly, engaging character and drive, I figured "Hmmm.. he may be perfect for my sister!"

    I introduced them shortly after and they hit it off big time. She moved in with him and all was well for about 2 years. They were sweet together and I spent many evenings enjoying their company for dinner. Then, he changed. Massive overhaul. I continued to work in close proximity with him every day, so I saw the changes arise. He was no longer the held-together guy he was when I met him, he had started drinking almost nightly with a rowdy group of single guys, he left my sister home alone most nights of the week, he began flirting with every female employee/office visitor we had at work, and he would talk with my other male coworkers about their shenanigans outside of work with other women, etc. They often used code names while talking, like saying he was going to hang out with "Bill" when it was a woman, etc. It was all very fishy at the time.

    I witnessed all of this and knew that he was no longer the sweet guy I introduced my sister to years prior, but she did not want to hear about any of the changes I'd witnessed, and chose to go on with their relationship blindly, giving him the benefit of the doubt for another 1.5 years of his increasingly disrespectful downfall in life.

    Fast forward to my WEDDING DAY - he broke up with her (out of the blue in her eyes) that morning! My sister didn't mention anything to anyone in my family, so we had no clue. She acted mopey the whole day, but she wouldn't admit anything was amiss, she just slept until we were in the ceremony. That Christmas (a couple months later), which she LOVES, she was mopey. Sleeping the whole day. Only smiling when we turned on a Disney movie.

    Of course, at this point, we knew something was not right, but what? She wouldn't talk to any of us so we tried to cheer her up. Meanwhile, she was still living in the rented house with her then ex, pretending they were still dating for his family's sake. When their lease was up 4 months after the rude break up, she moved out.

    That following year, she blossomed. She began exercising, lost a bunch of weight, started dressing like a woman instead of hiding herself, did her hair - you could literally see the transformation. She dated a couple douche bags, but we were all happy she was, at least, no longer being controlled by the ex.

    Fast forward to January of this year - she dropped off the face of the Earth. No one in my family heard from her, she wouldn't answer texts or calls. It was entirely bizarre. Then in May, she had a heart to heart with me, opening with "You're going to be mad..." I then guessed she was seeing a douche bag ex, but was horrified when she told me which one. Not only was she dating the jack *** who dumped her on my wedding day, he had since gotten an extreme DUI 3 months before they started dating again, he was using cocaine and drinking, was serving weekends in prison, was jobless, and needed a roommate. It broke my heart when she was finally honest, after avoiding me and hiding this 'relationship' for 5 months.

    Now, she has been living with him since January, and though I'm one who buries the hatchet fairly easily because I hate drama, I just can't forgive this guy. I don't forgive her for hiding the truth for so long, either. Not only do I hate this guy (he was VERY rude to me my last few months on the job, which is a whole other can of worms), but my entire family hates him, too. We all know the truth now and while my husband and I can suck it up and invite him back into the lifestyle (He still avoids our family for the most part, unless my sister forces him to be present, and then he's rude and distant), my Father and his wife are not so willing.

    That's where my question lies - My father and his wife are visiting for Christmas this year, and his wife has made it clear that she will not be in the same building as my sister's boyfriend after the awful ways he's disrespected our family, especially my poor sister. The problem is that my sister is completely OBLIVIOUS to everyone's disdain towards this guy and she will be extremely offended if I tell her "Hey, you can come for Christmas, but he can't."

    My sister continues to turn a blind eye towards the guys cheating, drug and alcohol infested, extreme DUI engulfed past, but no one else can.

    I know that all I can do is support her and hope he never begins to get physically abusive, but in the meantime - How do you think we should proceed?

    My tiny family birthday party is this Friday and I said he is welcome to come, but the last time he had to endure my birthday, 3 years ago, he said some rude things and made me cry, essentially ending the party because my husband kicked him out. I told my sister he is welcome but he is NOT OBLIGATED to be there because we don't care either way. I don't want him making me feel *****y again, honestly.

    For Christmas - Should I tell my sister he is not welcome?

     
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    Old 08-19-2013, 12:08 PM   #2
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    Hi, I think that your sisters boyfriend is in the throes of addiction and his life is spiraling out of control, that is what happens to nice guys who get involved with drugs and alcohol. That being said, I think you should invite them both over because you do not want to alienate your sister. If he does not behave then you tell your sister that it would not be wise to mix with your family until he gets help for his problem and that way it is less personal than telling her that you do not like him. It sounds like he is hitting a bottom, a time in which many addicts seek help and who knows, if he gets himself better then he may again become the nice guy your sister fell for.

     
    Old 08-19-2013, 01:46 PM   #3
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    Your sister's boyfriend seems to be a total screw up. It would be one thing if, for instance, when your sister and her boyfriend got back together the boyfriend made true amends, admitted where he was wrong, and was making measurable steps in improving his outlook and becoming a better person for himself and your sister.

    From what you say, this does not seem to be the case. He seems to be a narcissistic self indulging person who, on top of all this, has addiction problems. I realize this may be uncomfortable and hard, trust me- I've been there as my father is a raging alcoholic and my younger sister has had a Meth problem for greater than 5 years- but at some point you can no longer enable such an endorsement of behavior or acceptance of behavior.

    You quite pointedly stated how this guy makes you feel bad. As uncomfortable as it may be, I would simply inform your sister that he is not welcome at your Christmas party for the way HE has treated YOU in the past.

    You "not inviting" this boyfriend is nothing YOU did to your sister or the boyfriend. It is something HE did to himself by they way he treated the people around him. You simply do not want someone who is unpleasant to be there at your Christmas party, someone who has in the past made you feel bad with his actions.

    You could even give the boyfriend a way of attending, for instance say "you can attend if you go to substance abuse/relationship counseling." Considering the highlights of his personality, I seriously doubt he would fulfill this end of your demand just further illustrating how he is not serious about your sister or improving himself...

     
    Old 08-20-2013, 08:20 PM   #4
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    You don't mention why you think enabling your sister is the route to go. No, do not invite him, for Christmas or any special family event. Your sister has made her choice and it isn't the family. For whatever reason, she has chosen this loser over you and the rest of the family. Why should you feel compelled to ruin what could be a nice memorable family event? Because your sister wants this loser in her life? Let your sister know that while you love her, you don't have to love her loser. If she blackmails you or pulls a guilt trip, then tell her that you love her and you will always be there for her, but life is too short to accommodate assholes. Tell her you will be there for her when she grows a clue.

    Do not expect your father's new wife to understand your sister's dysfunctional choices. For that matter, you may want to tell your sister that she needs therapy. Clinging to a loser means she has no respect for herself and she obviously thinks everyone should suck it up when it comes to her loser lover. His selfish actions are matched by your sister's actions, so maybe her attachment to him isn't so hard to understand after all.

     
    Old 08-21-2013, 08:18 PM   #5
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    "The problem is that my sister is completely OBLIVIOUS to everyone's disdain towards this guy and she will be extremely offended if I tell her "Hey, you can come for Christmas, but he can't."

    Then I think it's time some one sat down with her and had a heart to heart and let her know why everyone thinks this. I doubt she is oblivious though because she kept it a secret when she started seeing him again because she knew it wouldn't be welcome news.

    If someone behaves in a way that just ruins things, and this is what this guy does, then don't invite him. Explain to your sister that he's not welcome when the family gets together because of his attitude towards people. If you want to welcome him when it's just you and them getting together then that's fine but don't put up with his rudeness, call him on it when he does it.

    All you can do is support her no matter what, but it doesn't mean you have to accept being around her bf either. I agree with len though, I think he is in the throws of addiction, and your sister would have been better off if she made getting clean/sober a condition of the relationship because going back to him may just be enabling him to keep going the way he is.

     
    Old 08-25-2013, 10:42 PM   #6
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    You definitely need to get her out of that relationship!! Men like that do one thing.... He will get her hooked on cocaine and she will come back to him for more and more until she is dependent on him for it. I had a loser ex like that and he tried that on me but I was smart enough to see what he was trying to do. Your sister needs to respect her dignity and drop that loser! Does she not remember how much it hurt her when he left her? What makes her think he wont do that again? (Unless he gets her hooked) Yes she might be angry at you and your family, but she will realize someday that it was for the best. I wish you good luck and prayers are headed your way for your sister.

     
    Old 08-29-2013, 06:35 PM   #7
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    Re: Coping With Sister's Loser Boyfriend?

    I suggest you stay out of your sister's life totally. If she comes to you for advice, then be gentle with her and just listen without judging her. The only way your sister will learn anything is for her to live it herself.

    I would not invite her or the boyfriend over for any occasion (I'm sure your sister will know the reason why). Sometimes tough love is the best love.

     
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    pendulum (08-30-2013)
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