Addicted to male affirmation

10-08-2013, 02:31 AM

I am in a very very healthy long-term relationship with an amazing man, my best friend. I couldn't have asked for a better man.

Unfortunately, I have suffered from severe depression for about the past 6 years and until recently have I only felt able to try and start pursuing friendships and meet people.

There is one guy who is from my "social group" I suppose you could say and he initiated contact with me. He was very affirming of me, quite quickly became REALLY flirty and quite persistent. The strange thing is, he has a girlfriend and would keep telling me he wasn't trying to crack onto me, he is just a flirty type person. He would go on and on and on about if he wasn't with his girlfriend he would try to be with me etc etc
As I don't have much experience in this department and was just desperate for friends, I kept in contact but just tried to be careful not to flirt back.
We would talk on ******** a fair bit and texting.

I think I started to become addicted to the contact and the affirmation. I don't know what happened, I started to really enjoy the attention. One day it was all under control and then the next day, when I noticed he had pulled back a bit, I freaked out.
I admit I struggle with low self-esteem and I started to enjoy having someone other than my partner tell me how incredible I am.
My partner is extremely affirming, but I am a bit insatiable when it comes to affirmation. In the past I've compromised myself just to feel valued.

I started to let my guard down, I told this guy that I was concerned I was enjoying it too much. He understood, but kept going.

Lately, the contact has started to drop off and he has been less initiative and "flirty" as before. But now I am left with this, almost addict like behaviour.
I am addicted to checking my phone to see if he has contacted me and I get really sad when I haven't received anything.
We still talk most days, but it is different. He is less persistent. He still seems interested in being friends though. But because he has in a sense "pulled back", I have compromised myself and flirted back a little just to try and get some kind of affirmation.

It might be hard to believe, but I don't want to be with this person in a relationship, I love my current partner.
I just somehow managed to get myself addicted to this person's affirmation of me. It is like he was my drug dealer and just decided to cut my dosage.

My partner knows about this, he's been very supportive.
He understands I am a bit of a broken soul just trying to get back on my feet (since the depression).

Why am I compromising myself like this for a quick feel good?

What's wrong with me?

10-08-2013, 07:19 AM

Hi, possibly this guy who is feeding your head with compliments is trying to manipulate you into falling in love with him to feed is masculine ego. Whatever the reason if you want to get out of this situation then just stop contact with him for a few weeks and it will all go away. Your boyfriend is being very understanding but in fairness to him you need to stop these flirtations because it is not healthy for your relationship.

10-08-2013, 10:37 AM

Hi,

I feel this male friend of yours is leading you on and letting you down alternatively.
One minute he's persistent and the next he's gone all cool.
Your boyfriend on the other hand is being tolerant and understanding. Don't take advantage of this as one day he may decide enough is enough and he may not be around when you need him.
I think you should stop all contact with the other guy and see how things turn out from there.
Whatever you decide I wish you well,

Solofelix.

10-08-2013, 11:03 AM

Please read the fable The fox and the raven. No, I am not saying you are the raven, but please don't let him dupe you like the fox did to the raven.

Self-esteem really does come from inside, from your self.

10-08-2013, 11:17 AM

Maybe you should just be honest with the other guy and tell him you're only using him to stroke your ego. If he knows that the only reason why you talk to him is for validation in order to avoid your low self esteem issue, then maybe he will decide to leave on his own and you won't need to tell him to get lost. Confidence is a very desirable quality for both males and females to have. On the other hand, low self esteem and a major lack of self confidence as you have is typically considered a real turn off for pretty much anyone (unless they have the same problem). You should probably consider yourself lucky that you managed to find and keep a boyfriend who will put up with the lack of self esteem and self confidence because that gets old really fast in most cases. And if you're not careful you may turn around one day and find that he has moved on without you while you were busy getting your ego stroked by that other guy.

10-08-2013, 04:49 PM

I've decided for my own sake to stop contact with this other guy, at least until I gain some perspective. If I am "addicted" chances are I am not thinking clearly and rationally. It might be impossible to not ever talk to him again though, since se move in the same circles.
Sadly, I do think I have been duped by this other guy. I told him I had a weakness for affirmation and he seems to have exploited that and just goes hot and cold. I was too trusting, I am too trusting.
I suppose because he kept saying he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to pursue anything, I kept thinking maybe I was overreacting and should be friends with him. He can be very nice to me and has been helpful in some respects.

I have asked my partner why he stays with me even though I struggle with self-esteem, he tells me that he just loves me. I think I'm with one of those rare people who accept you for who you are, flaws and all. Plus he knows my history so I think he understands why I am the way I am. I'm very lucky.

10-08-2013, 04:54 PM

Awesome, I think you've got a good plan moving forward to avoid that other guy.

10-15-2013, 09:07 PM

Bravo to you for being honest with yourself. Recognizing why you seek out that attention is the first step to changing so I commend you for that. It's ok to want affirmation, we all do as human beings, but I would tend to agree this "friend" does not have your best interest at heart. Do your best to find what you need within yourself and with the praise of your partner. Cutting ties is always difficult but your self worth is far more important than his opinion of you. I have been in your shoes and am a recovering affirmation addict

what you said resonated with me: "I am a bit insatiable when it comes to affirmation. In the past I've compromised myself just to feel valued." How many of us have done that. I admire your bravery, you'll find a friendship with healthy give and take now that you know what NOT to look for. Blessings!!

Addicted to male affirmation

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