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  • Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

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    Old 11-04-2013, 07:25 PM   #1
    strawberrygirl7
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    Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    hi everyone and thank u for reading my dilemma. I need some advice. My best friend and I have were friends since we were 4 years old ( we are 24 now)We are neighbors by the way. At the age of 16, she went thru a weird phase in her life and she stopped being my friend. 6 years later ( 2010), she came back into my life saying what she did was mistake. Well after that we became like sisters. we got extremely close .well here is my dilemma..the last year before we became friends again ( 2009) I found out that her father was having an affair with my mom! I HAD NO idea about this WHATSOEVER..until my neighbor asked me if smething was goiing on between my mom and her dad. I started to keep my eye open and it was true. My parents at the time were going through hell, my dad was having an affair and MY FAMILY was a disaster. Everyone knew it too. the whole neighborhood knew it. Anyway,,,as i started to notice her affair with my best friends dad i was infuriated! I did not want to tell my dad bec they were already going thru hell. When her and I became friends again, my mom stopped the affair with him. My problem now these past four years is her fathers Hypocrite ways. My best friend believes that her parents are the most perfect parents in the whole wide world. she always telling me her dadtook her mom to france, china, etc etc. HHer father throws HUGE hotel parties for her moms birthday anniversaries etc. He is a lawyer and a VERY good liar. Lately for the past few yrs, everytime im around he would say little comments about my family. He talks HORRIble crap on my dad...and he made her WHOLE family belittle and feel disgusted of my family. He acts like his family is the best and hes the best. I KNOW HE IS A CHEATER and its killing me that hes a cheater. I always wanted to tell her but im so afraid to break our friendship. she may also accuse me of lying and being jealous. I honestly dont have a jeaous bone in my body. I am just ANGRY that this man appears to be an angel and talks so much crap about my family. I am the shy type to ever say "dont talk about my dad like that" my therapist even suggested i take the dad to the side and let him know that i know. U see my mom admitted it to me in 2010. She told me he would see her int he mornings, theyd go out, hotels, etc. He NEVER used a cell phone always payphones. Ive even heard his voice several times on her phone. Her mom and dad are extremelty narcissistic people. her mom would never believe it. I dont even want her mom to know...I just want my best friend to know..Ive held it for WAY WAY too long and its killing me. Especially when she would talk about what her parents are doing...i act weird...she thinks its jealousy ...but what she doesnt know its becuase i know how her father really is. This man is areally really good talker..hes probably already made excuses in his mind if it ever came out. What do i do? I talked to my mom about this ( she feels horrible about the whole thing, and yes I despise her for it) but she thinks i shouldnt destroy my best friends vision and hope for love. My mom also says if i do that my best friend may even attack her. My best friend sees her parents as the only hope for love. my best friend was cheated on by her fiancee. So i dont know what to do. please help. shoudl i send an anonymous letter?

     
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    Old 11-05-2013, 04:18 AM   #2
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    I think your mother is right on this one. Don't tell your friend. At least not now. If the presence of her father really disturbs and upsets you, then you should simply avoid being in his presence, even if this means for you to move away a bit from your friend. I am not telling you to cut off your bond with her, but ask yourself if you really look up to her as your best friend (isn't her attitude a reflection of her family's?), and please try to expand your circle of friends. Again, I am not telling you to leave her, but try to make new friends with different backgrounds and families. Maybe you will have less problems dealing with simpler persons. Also, your friend looks a bit unstable, but what do I know?
    I don't see any reason why you should despise your mother and not your father. Wasn't he a cheater as well? Actually, I don't think you should despise any of them for whatever they did in the past. You may not approve of what they did, but you are not in a position to know what made them do what they did and to judge them.
    I think this is the most important aspect in your post: how you are behaving toward your mother and family. And not your "best" friend and her father.

    Last edited by pendulum; 11-05-2013 at 04:46 AM.

     
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    Old 11-05-2013, 07:05 AM   #3
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    I think in this case "Silence is Golden"...The less said the better.
    Definitely (Don't write a letter) something you might later regret but cant take back.
    Continue with your friendship with this girl and Don't let what goes on between yours and her family have any effect an effect on you its not your problem.
    O.K.if she think's her family are the Best in the world so what!!...its not your problem.
    If you cannot cope silently with this knowledge of her father/your mum then widen your circle of friends so you see less of her,

    Solofelix.

     
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    Old 11-05-2013, 07:27 AM   #4
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    Hi,, I admire your self control on this matter in saying nothing even though that despicable lawyer talks trash about your family. Me, I would have spilled the beans as soon as I found out because it would be too much of a burden to hold on to that information. I am not into so called "family secrets" and believe telling the truth is the only way to go no matter who gets hurt. Also the hatred I would feel for that lawyer would take over my mind and if I could knock him down a peg and lessen his daughters opinion of him it would give me great pleasure because he deserves it.. I believe in the saying "the truth shall set you free" and this case is no different. I also think it is necessary for all parties involved to feel the consequences of their bad behavior and set a better example going forward....

     
    Old 11-05-2013, 08:22 AM   #5
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    Don't say anything.

    I believe Karma will get him eventually.

     
    Old 11-05-2013, 04:28 PM   #6
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    Thanks guys. Its just that every since i was little i always felt like her family belittled mine. Little comments, ways they would look at us. We did have several problems in our home...my mom was an alcholic at one point and everyone in the neighborhood knew that. and the way she talks about her parents...makes me want to put her into her place. Shes an overweight girl, has some personal issues and I know this would destroy her only vision of real love. Do i have to hold this in for the rest of my life?

     
    Old 11-06-2013, 12:30 AM   #7
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    [QUOTE=strawberrygirl7;5239578]Thanks guys. Its just that every since i was little i always felt like her family belittled mine. Little comments, ways they would look at us. We did have several problems in our home...my mom was an alcholic at one point and everyone in the neighborhood knew that. and the way she talks about her parents...makes me want to put her into her place. Shes an overweight girl, has some personal issues and I know this would destroy her only vision of real love. Do i have to hold this in for the rest of my life?[/QUOTE]

    Not necessarily. There'll come a time surely when you will find the appropriate outlet for it, or maybe you'll put it on the backburner and not worry that much about it. Anyway, by posting about it on here you're already getting it off your chest, right?

     
    Old 11-06-2013, 07:13 AM   #8
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    I am and i truly appreciate everyones input. I hate dealing with this. Im already stressing out with school, my parents issues and im currently engaged ..trying to organize a wedding. I just had it when her dad asked me that question about my mom. I saw him yesterday,,and i acted normal. I felt bad for my friend yesterday..she looked like something wasbothering ( like usual) and I just told myself..no dont do it. BUt then ..i start thinking about all the times shes hurt me. and how she would rub into my face her parents...when I KNOW the truth. I wish i never knew.

     
    Old 11-06-2013, 08:25 PM   #9
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    what do you guys think about the anonymous letter?

     
    Old 11-07-2013, 01:01 AM   #10
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    Anonymous letters are often discredited. What is your ultimate goal? To tell the "truth"? Remember that telling the truth always requires material evidence. Do you have it? I mean, if you think you know the whole "truth" and want to share it, why should you hide behind anonymity? Anonymity can't be held for ever. Again, I think it is better to move on. Try to regain your inner peace focussing on other areas of your life. You can never predict the consequences of an impulsive action. It may backfire on you. But of course it is your choice.

     
    Old 11-08-2013, 10:24 AM   #11
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    The truth and evidence is my mother's confession. Unfortunately,
    , your right about it leading to a major backfire bec it's my mom.. I'm tired of his father acting innocent and like his family is the best. I'm tired of his side questions when he asks me about my mom. As if I don't know anything. And I'm TERRIBLY TIRED OF him talking bad about my father. He has already embarrassed us beyond words. And I'm tired of my best friend rubbing her father's "wonferful husband remarks in my face. Not due to jealousy....due to he's a cheater!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 11-08-2013, 10:27 AM   #12
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice,

    But how do I get away from her...When she is literally with Me all the time for a few years now. We consider each other like sisters and how am I going to all of a sudden stay away. She's going to think something is up

     
    Old 11-08-2013, 01:09 PM   #13
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice,

    Maybe you could say you need to concentrate on your studies. Or pick up any activities that you like, but she doesn't, such as yoga, dancing, drawing, cooking, bodybuilding, Chinese, whatever, so you can have more and more time away from her. Of course the shift cannot happen overnight.

    Or maybe you could also go through a "weird" phase like her and stop being her friend for a while?

    Last edited by pendulum; 11-08-2013 at 01:14 PM.

     
    Old 12-26-2013, 05:39 PM   #14
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    hey everyone, so its been awhil since ive written back...but i wanted to update a little bit on this situation. I started to take some of your advices and i stopped being too too close to her..well she noticed and i dont know how it happened, but i told her. i didnt tell her the whole story ( such as they slept together) but I told her he tried to get with my mom. She was very upset and sad for about 2 days..then she said she wants to close that chapter in her life and move on. she said she can not tell anyone in her family. She continues to rub in my face how much her father loves her mom still. I dont know anymore if she does, bec now i feel that ihave let out alot on my chest. Im sure he loves her, but her fathr is a HUGE two face. I told her that if she truly feels the need to ask her dad, she should. she told me shed rather not and just let go of it. I honestly DONT know how it came out..but i felt like i had to ..it was killing me. Im happy i was honest and i feel better knowing she can stop rubbing it in my face. lol regardless if she feels the need to continue. Ive talked to my therapist about this sitation and she feels that my friend does this ..bec this is only thing she "believes " she has that can make me "jealous"..i think its sad that she has to use old people like her parents to try to make her for her being better than me or "happier" than me. I truly wish i can tell her how much i dont care but that its annoying me.

     
    Old 12-31-2013, 06:30 PM   #15
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    Re: Big Dilemma for 4 years now. need advice.

    You can continue being friends with her but keep your distance if she's is continuing to belittle you, friends don't put friends down for whatever reason. Moving away might chnge the whole dynamic of this (you won't see your friend often and maybe the affair will decrease (assuming it's still occuring))

     
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