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  • My live in partner is still not divorced.

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    Old 11-09-2013, 01:40 AM   #1
    Emma1984
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    Join Date: Nov 2013
    Location: Exeter, Devon, UK
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    Emma1984 HB User
    My live in partner is still not divorced.

    Hi, I'm new to this site and was hoping if anyone can relate to my situation and offer there thoughts and advice to me.

    Around April 2012 I met a man through work, he was very sweet and considerate and our conversation flowed easily. We continued to meet up regular for coffee and conversation and we found out more about each other, he's 16 years older than me and he told me he has two grown up children who are 21 and 22. I told him about my son who's 4 and that his Dad had walked out on me when I was pregnant and had never heard from him since. He told me he HAD been married, but it had ended 4 years ago.

    In August 2012 I realised I had fallen in love with this man and I tried to break off contact with him as I've been hurt in the past and was worried he would also hurt me. He wouldn't let me break contact and told me he had been in love with me since the day we met in April and he would never hurt me.

    So we became an official couple, I introduced him to my parents and then my son.

    By the end of September I was wondering why he had not asked me to meet his family. Then he took a call in front of me, I could only hear his side but I highly suspected it was not one of his kids or a parent, but a wife.

    I asked him outright if he was married and he broke down apologising for lying to me, he did have a wife and he was still officially with her, not separated, the place he lived that I had been too was their holiday home.

    I told him it was over, I wanted nothing to do with him, I loved I'm but I'm not prepared to be his bit on the side. He told me he would go to his wife right then and tell her he was leaving her, could I ever forgive him, in his head his marriage had been over four years, that's why he lived at the holiday home bar weekends as his wife was very cold and he only went back to see the children and slept on the couch as his wife did not wish to share a bed with him.

    I told him I would think about it. The next day he called me and told me he had seen his wife and told her their marriage was over, could I find it in my heart to give him another chance. I told him I needed time to think.

    The following day he turned up at my house pleading for me to talk to him. I let him in and I told him I devastated I was at his lies and when he promised he would not hurt me. He told me he hated himself for having lied and had intended to tell me but was scared and he could never find the right moment. I agreed to give him another chance but told him he would need to get divorced sooner rather than later because even though he had told his wife they were over, legally they were still married and that makes me a mistress however you dress it up. He said he would find a solicitor ASAP and begin divorce proceedings.

    I didn't push the matter, one of his kids took their parents separation badly so could understand putting off divorce while emotions were raw. He told his parents and siblings he was seeing me and he was in love but didn't tell his children until December when they had got over the shock of their parents separating, this caused one of his kids upset and neither of his children wanted to meet me, which I could understand at the time as it must of been greatly upsetting for them.

    He then lost his job so didn't have the funds for divorce, when he was back in work a couple months later he told me he wanted us to get a home together, I told him I wanted him to get a divorce, he said he would as soon as he could but it would cost a couple of thousand pounds but would do it soon, he said he really wanted us to live together though as he could not bear to be apart from me even for a night. I was flattered and we found a house to rent, tenancy in both our names.

    By August this year I had met his parents and siblings, but his kids still refused to meet me, so they won't visit my partner, therefore he goes to them when he can. He promises me he doesn't meet with them at the home he shared with his wife, but I'm not sure i believe that.

    Since August I have been asking when is he going to divorce and does he even have the intention of doing so because knowing he is still legally married is messing with my head, I had gone into a deep depression which I am only just started to feel stable from because of him stalling getting a divorce. He always cited money as an excuse.

    Last week he bought a new car for 2 grand cash, I have been screwing in my head all week if he could find that much for a car, couldn't he surely find money for a divorce if he loves me like he says he does? Especially as I discovered on line that the court fees total to less than 700 and are not all paid at the same time. I also realised that if he wishes to use a solicitor, they will charge initial consultation upfront and bill the rest and having previously worked for a firm of solicitors in the office I know that some solicitors will let you pay in instalments.
    I also got thinking that as his kids still refuse to meet me (I understand, to them I broke their parents up, they don't know I didn't know their Dad led me to believed he had been divorced several years, nor would I ever wish to tell them as I don't want them to think anything negative of their Dad), I will be excluded from family events so his kids don't meet me, when they get married my partner will be going without me and his WIFE because they are not divorced will be there. When they give him grandchildren they will not visit him at home because I am there.

    I registered on the local housing register to try and find a place for me and my boy to leave to, but we could be waiting a long time for that. My family just haven't got room to put us up and as most of my disability benefits got cut off when I moved in with my partner because he works, I have no way of saving a deposit on private accommodation.

    Last night I told him exactly how I felt about everything and he was like, it's just the money, to which I told him that was rubbish, I don't believe he has any intention of getting divorced and I don't believe we have a future together, not just due to him not getting divorced but because his kids will never accept me and they are not ever likely to and as he already doesn't see them as much as he'd like because they won't visit, he is going to end up resenting me. I also told him he doesn't talk to me and connect like we used to, I love him more than I've loved anyone but I'm not prepared to carry on. He started crying and told me he loved me more than anyone too and he couldn't lose me, he's just been under pressure (but didn't tell me what) and he will sort everything out, he will start divorce ASAP.

    Trouble is, as much as I love him, I've heard it before and I am losing respect for him and I believe he is disrespecting me by not divorcing and his family also by being with me when not divorced.

    He wants to talk later, but I believe he is hoping I will forget all about it and nothing will be discussed.

    I have decided to mention nothing to him again, I am remaining on the housing register and as soon as I am offered something, I am taking it - unless he actually does as he's promised, but sadly I'm not holding my breath as I doubt very much he will do anything.

    I just wish I could get out now because it's just prolonging the agony.

    I love him so much but I wish I'd never met him. I know I am also at fault for giving him a chance after finding out he was married and he told his wife it was over, I should have told him to get lost then, but I was too in love and believed what he told me, now though, I'm aware whatever promise he makes he isn't gonna go through and each time he breaks a promise to me I love him less and less and I don't want it to get to the point that I hate him.

    I would rather just call it quits now :-(

    Is there any chance he will get a divorce? Or have I just been strung along all this time because he has no intention of getting a divorce? Has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with someone who's kids will not meet you?

    My head is just so messed up with thoughts and emotions :-(

     
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    Old 11-15-2013, 03:49 PM   #2
    Fizzickle
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    Join Date: Sep 2003
    Location: Hampton, GA USA
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    Fizzickle HB UserFizzickle HB UserFizzickle HB User
    Re: My live in partner is still not divorced.

    Bless your heart! You have quite a situation.

    Your primary question seems to be, "Will he ever get a divorce?"

    In my humble male opinion the answer is simply no.

    Right now he has his cake and is eating it too. You are available to him in every way he desires. The only thing that will cause him to reevaluate his situation is if you actually leave him and mean it. Then he will have to make a choice.

    I hate to say this, but his wife and his children are too much of an anchor for him to leave without a complete change in the scenario he faces . That's just my opinion, but I firmly believe it.

    Good luck to you and I hope you can find happiness without including him in your plans.

     
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